My boyfriends ex is going to ruin our relationship.

[Snoopy24]

Hey everyone,

 

I have been going out with my boyfriend for almost two months now. When we started dating we both somewhat recently got out of relationships. The differnce is mine was a 5 month relationship and his was 3 1/2 years and he was going to propose new years eve until she left him for another guy in december. and completley stopped talking to him.

 

About a week into our relationship the guy she was seeing left her and she found out about me and he she would constantly text, message, call, and IM him begging and pleading for him back. He would talk to her and tell her that any romantic feelings he ever had for her are gone and he'd like to be her friend and that's it.

 

Now I know he must still have feelings for this girl. And I can live with that as long as I know he doesnt want to be with her and soesn't see her at all, and any feelings he has left for her are slowing going away. but this girl wont stop. At first it didn't bother me so much, but now it's really getting to me. She writes him comments on his myspace like " my heart is in a million pieces" you should come with me to get my tattoo because I went with you for all of yous" and "I'll wait for you to come to me forever"

 

I think this is really disrespectful of her and him for talking to her. I don't want to tell him who he can and cannot be friends with but I told him to wait a few months to get her feelings sorted out. but his excuse is "she's dying and I don't know how long she has" ...She has cystic fibrosis and the avg life expectancy is like 30. ..and I don't want to sound like a selfish heartless person, but everyone is dying and I doubt, and god forbit she passes away anytime soon, i just think he shouldnt talk to her for a few months.

 

Am I being selfish?

 

I know we haven't been going out very long and most of you will probally tell me to just leave, but we really do have strong feelings for eachother. I know he doesn't see her at all bc I'm with him everyday. It just really upsets me that she is constantly contacting him saying the stuff she does.

 

I was thinking of writing her a message on myspace telling her to stop, in the nicest way I possibly can. would that be a bad idea? I really need advice! Thanks bunches.

[EvaGina]

DONT get involved.

You writing to her will only make her worse.

 

You are going to have to talk to him... he can talk to her as friends, yes, but he HAS to make it clear that if she keeps reffering to their past relationship like that, and trying to get him back, he will cut contact with her.

 

Its not fair on you. IMO, he should tell her if there is one more untoward message, he will block her from his myspace etc etc...

[Ferion]

Its perfectly fine the way you feel. Many people, including myself would get pretty disgruntled in the face of a situation like that.

 

You need to tell your boyfriend that, the way she talks to you is very disrespectful of your relationship with him. Cystic Fibrosis or not, its unfair the way he lets her talk to him like that, when he is suppose to be commited to you.

 

It wouldn't be a bad idea to tell her to stop, but really your boyfriend should be more mindful of what is going on with other girls and himself. I'm not saying dump him, but let him know you don't like how she's talking to him, and you would be completely find with her as a friend, if she wasn't speaking the way she was to him.

[anggrace]

How often is she calling? I wouldn't send a message to her. That will most likely cause her to resent you and intrude even more. Your bf obviously wants to be with you b/c he is w/ you. All you can do is trust that and wait it out. Does he discourage the calls?

[anggrace]

I don't think a friendship is possible for them right now b/c she wants him back. It will only work if they are both completely over eachother and respect eacother s.o.'s. That said, I don't think he should continue to talk to her.

[Snoopy24]

DONT get involved.

You writing to her will only make her worse.

 

You are going to have to talk to him... he can talk to her as friends, yes, but he HAS to make it clear that if she keeps reffering to their past relationship like that, and trying to get him back, he will cut contact with her.

 

Its not fair on you. IMO, he should tell her if there is one more untoward message, he will block her from his myspace etc etc...

 

He told me she texted him at least 50 times(literally) yesterday about how much she misses him and wants to see him and how sick she is and has to go to the hospital and "he is the only person to make her feel better" he said he called her once to see how she was feeling and told her the messages has to stop...and she apologized and said that she would stop. ..BUT SHE DIDN"T. All night long she was messaging him with " I need you hear by my side" and I feel like she is manipulating him.

 

SHE left him and stopped talking to him. and as soon as her new guy leaves her she finds out he's going out with me..THAT'S when she starts to contact him. Because she's not getting anymore attention.

 

I don't know. We keep fighting about this. I'm not sure if I'm over reacting? I do appreciate him being honest with me and all but I don't even see why he'd want to talk to her at all after what she did to him. regardless of her being sick or not.

[Snoopy24]

Its perfectly fine the way you feel. Many people, including myself would get pretty disgruntled in the face of a situation like that.

 

You need to tell your boyfriend that, the way she talks to you is very disrespectful of your relationship with him. Cystic Fibrosis or not, its unfair the way he lets her talk to him like that, when he is suppose to be commited to you.

 

It wouldn't be a bad idea to tell her to stop, but really your boyfriend should be more mindful of what is going on with other girls and himself. I'm not saying dump him, but let him know you don't like how she's talking to him, and you would be completely find with her as a friend, if she wasn't speaking the way she was to him.

 

That's the thing. I've let him know so many times and he gets so mad at ME bc I'm telling him it upsets me he still talks to her when she still has such strong feelings. and his excuse is "she has feelings for me I dont have any feelings for her so it shouldnt matter" He does tell her that they will never be together again but I feel the only way for her to really get over him would be to cut contact completely for awhile and he wont do that bc shes sick.

[Snoopy24]

How often is she calling? I wouldn't send a message to her. That will most likely cause her to resent you and intrude even more. Your bf obviously wants to be with you b/c he is w/ you. All you can do is trust that and wait it out. Does he discourage the calls?

 

She doesnt call as much text him. She will text him back to back for hours while I'm sitting there next to him.

[Lady Bugg]

Snoopy.....

 

I don't advise you to contact his ex. First of all, it's not your place to tell her to leave him alone. It's his place. Anything you say or do will be seen as weakness in HER eyes. You will be stooping to her level because the fact is...she KNOWS what she is doing may drive a wedge between the two of you. am sure she realizes you are with him when she is contacting him.

 

My advice is for you to smile sweetly when she calls or texts...ask him if he would like to reply or call her back....then excuse yourself. This may be hard ...but believe me reacting this way will empower you...and it says to HIM that you trust he is going to do the "right" thing.

[anggrace]

Okay,

He refuses to stop talking to her and even does it infront of you when he knows it bothers you? He is eating up the attention and in the meatime being very direspectfull to you. I would not stand for this if I were you.

If he really was over her he would not allow this to continue. This is not a friendship. She wants him and he wants the attention. Doesn't look like it's going to end unless he wise's up or you leave.

[EvaGina]

IMO, he is loving the attention.

Fighting about it isnt the way to go... that makes the ex get what she wants.

[DN]

Snoopy.....

 

I don't advise you to contact his ex. First of all, it's not your place to tell her to leave him alone. It's his place. Anything you say or do will be seen as weakness in HER eyes. You will be stooping to her level because the fact is...she KNOWS what she is doing may drive a wedge between the two of you. am sure she realizes you are with him when she is contacting him.

 

My advice is for you to smile sweetly when she calls or texts...ask him if he would like to reply or call her back....then excuse yourself. This may be hard ...but believe me reacting this way will empower you...and it says to HIM that you trust he is going to do the "right" thing.

 

This advice is spot on.

 

You are engaging in a war that you cannot win. Whatever happens as long as you wage it - you lose.

 

The only way to win is to disengage from the war and do as LadyBugg suggests.

 

Stellar advice LadyBugg!

[Lady Bugg]

MY personal opinion is this........

 

At least he is being honest with her about his ex'es contact.

Whether he is getting an "ego boost" remains to be seen.

The guy seems to have a heart....even though his ex doesn't deserve it..

he seems concerned with her well being.

 

Now THAT said......if this is still going on in the next month or two....

then YES....you have very legitimate reasons to be upset....

but for now.....explain how this makes YOU feel. If he cannot cut the ties.... then you have at LEAST given him the opportunity to straighten things

out.

And..you can leave with your dignity intact....

[Lady Bugg]

Thanks DN I appreciate the compliment

[MissIndigo]

People heal from relationships at different paces but I would take this with much caution if he is coming off, such a short time ago, a 3.5-year relationship with someone he had intented to ask to marry him. In just the span of a few months, I don't see how he could be over her, ready to give all his attention to you.

 

In any case, talk to him about this, and how it makes you feel. I don't think you're being selfish, I think this is a red flag, and the least selfish thing you can do is protect yourself from further hurt. Talk to him, set forth some boundaries for behavior you will and will not accept, and make sure he understands them. And make sure he sets some boundaries for his ex too.

[treefrogkate]

Snoopy.....

 

I don't advise you to contact his ex. First of all, it's not your place to tell her to leave him alone. It's his place. Anything you say or do will be seen as weakness in HER eyes. You will be stooping to her level because the fact is...she KNOWS what she is doing may drive a wedge between the two of you. am sure she realizes you are with him when she is contacting him.

 

My advice is for you to smile sweetly when she calls or texts...ask him if he would like to reply or call her back....then excuse yourself. This may be hard ...but believe me reacting this way will empower you...and it says to HIM that you trust he is going to do the "right" thing.

 

That's terrific advice.

[caro33]

Well yuck, what a rough situation for you all to be in. I hate the ex thing, and had serious problems of my own with it.

 

Have to say though, that while this feels awful for you it just isn't about you. It's isn't. It's a situation that arose because he got into a relationship with you before he had negotiated in his heart/mind where this ex of his belonged and how he would deal with her. You are dealing with this now because he is still dealing with this now. I think that if you've seen anything so far it's that he's just not in the headspace right now to make you solid promises about her that he's prepared to live with. I'm not sure I would say this is an ego issue for him - maybe if more time had passed it would be, but four months after she left him is still very recent.

 

I imagine he's in a tough place right now - I mean really, four months ago he was going to marry her. This is serious. I doubt very much he is "over her" in the sense that he's over the pain and the confusion this caused. He's probably still acclimatising. Now that doesn't mean he wants her back, but I think that you might just have to keep dealing with this until his head is on straight. The fact that she's sick would make this worse, you are trying to fight years of love and conditioning here. Sorry, but it's true.

 

I also don't think she's doing this to get a reaction out of you, it's to get a reaction out of him. It's not her job to respect your relationship with him, she owes you nothing. She is obviously going through her own stuff too.

 

At the end of all this I would really suggest caution on your part. Yes, things might be great with you guys but remember he started with you what...maybe two months after all this first happened to him? I don't think anyone can guarantee where his feelings lie right now, even him. If you choose to stay there you must recognise this. Also, if you choose to stay there you need to back off. If something is going to happen between them it will happen whatever you say - in fact it is more likely to happen if you're making his life difficult in any way.

 

I think LadyBugg is right in her advice to you in how you handle this. I know it's not easy by any stretch, and my advice would be different if it had been his ex from a year or more ago, or she'd been just a minor ex, but this situation warrants extreme caution from you.