I reckon communication is something your either brought up with or not, how bout you?

[kiama]

Ok, Iv just been posting away all day, and this issue just got to me, so i thought id start a thread.

 

Right, theres a lot of talk about being dumped, but also, how us dumpees tried to discuss problems only for the ex to run away from them and for us to be left stranded. Their communication problems really.

 

now i dont believe that they will be resolved - say they meet someone else, they will run again, or either get dumped (hopefully the latter - they deserve it!)

 

It got me thinking. i think communication is something we are either brought up with or not.

 

Jealousy, insecurities, clingyness, control - those are kind of issues, that stem from a certain point, where one can figure out where, and actually work on those problems....

 

but communication - its like........... respect.... youre either brought up to be a respectful person, or a communicative one, or not - and its not easy to change how youve been brought up cos thats ALL you know. One cant just become able to communicate, or a person who doesnt respect cant just become a respectful person - its way way harder.

 

my ex just WOULD not talk. not to his mother not to anyone, he couldnt communicate end of story. hes 23 and he CAN NOT order a taxi, and CAN NOT order a take away - he is too 'scared' to phone them. ('too scared - his own words')

 

Any thoughts on this, or am i just blabbing as per usuall, lol

[Scout]

Really insightful observation! I agree, the communication styles you learn as a child are stuck with you for a loooooooong time, until you wise up and start maturing. For example, in my household there was always a lot of yelling to get points accross. So, in later years when I would experience conflict, I would often feel my temper rising at the first sign of discord. It took me quite some time to learn to control that. (It's a lifelong journey, lol.)

 

Thanks for the thread, great topic!

[ButterflyWrists]

i dunno if that is true... my current bf was bought up not knowing how to love, never taught how to shave ect, and he's pretty good at it?

meh... its just different people take on different habbits...

[kiama]

X, i think thats a different thing though.... nobody needs to be taught how to love - they may never have been loved - but they can love, its a natural feeling - an emotion - its not in our control.

 

and learning to shave, ride a bike, thats just something anyone can learn if they want to....

 

communication - i think, is a life skill, that really, you learn from the moment you utter your first words.....

[ButterflyWrists]

mm.. hiss family have next to no communication with him...

i dunno, if u've never been bought up with love its kinda hard to know/reconise the feeling...

[RayKay]

I disagree with your post that says love is not in our control.

 

Love is an emotion, true, and there are certain people we will love naturally....but it is also an action. Love is also giving. Real love is also unconditional.

 

Most of us do not grow up learning this "love is also action and hard work". Sure we know our parents love us, but we also know that sometimes they "love us more" when we are doing good for example, and "less" when we are bad. That is conditional love, and it is how we also start acting in relationships and has us engage in some behaviours to "get more love" because we don't FEEL loved unconditionally.

 

And when we are not "loved" as children, people do grow up not knowing what "love" really is as a result, and instead they seek "imitation love" through sex etc...rather than being able to give and receive REAL genuine love.

 

Many people whom believe that love is emotion and you don't have to "learn" miss the whole idea that love is action, and that love as a feeling is not something you can just let work itself out on its own. There is a GREAT book about all of this that you can PM me for.

 

As for communication, well yes, I believe we do learn conflict/communication styles from our upbringing, but again, it is something we can learn to improve and work with when we choose too. I know my communication style and conflict resolution skills have changed drastically since I was young, and really sought to learn more about how I acted, behaved and communicated and the negative effects it had in my life.

[kiama]

totally agree with you raykay,

 

but here goes... yes, love is an action - that needs work.... but is that not where the communication comes in.... being able to express your love - i think anyone can love, anyone. but youre right, they may not know how to 'work' that love.

 

surely thats then the communication problem. love and communication go together.

 

so if youre brought up not knowing how to communicate, you will never be able to hold onto whatever love you have....

 

im sure people can learn to communicate better, but i just think its a lot harder than say, dealing with trust issues etc, cos its something youve been accustomed to since day 1..................

[confused82]

Kiama, I could not agree with you more. my ex was raised in a house of arguments and no real communication. there was love and understanding but no REAL communication. I was rasied with a mom who would talk to me about anything and wanted me to communicate with her and would listen to what I had to say, she may not agree with it all the time but would always listen and communicate back.

I also agree with RayKay when she says you can change your paterns and kind of manipulate the way you go about communicating HOWEVER from my most recent experience I think the person you really are when communicating comes out in the end.

 

I was with my ex for 6 yrs and at first she would not communicate at all and would think that an argument was this HUGE TO DO, I slowly showed her to communicate a little and that when you agrue or dissagree it doesnt have to be a huge to do. With that said, she just recently left me and for what??????? Not communicating to me ahwile ago that she was slightly unhappy with how things were going and due to that she let it fester and it became this major thing (in her head) and now she is numb to me and our relationship. So my thoughts on this is communication is totally something you can change IF YOU WANT TO and recognized but you will ulitmatlely be the communicator or lack of communicator you always were.

 

did that make sense or was I just rambling?

[RayKay]

I think you can be dealing with trust issues from day one too though, if you grew up with a father whom cheated on your mother all the time. I know people whom just don't trust ANYONE. And they won't until they confront the issue and deal with it personally.

 

Honestly, I am a BIG believer that one of our biggest assets as humans is the power to change our ways of thinking, our ways of communication, our ways of treating others and ourselves. Similarly believing we CAN'T change ourselves is also what means we don't change.

 

I was not brought up magically knowing how to communicate. My mother was much more reserved about her feelings, and I was very sensitive, stubborn, and emotional about everything and we had a rough time communicating between ourselves. In my first relationships, I acted much the same way when things did not go as I thought they should go, or there were arguments, as I did then. I got so wrapped up in what I wanted, and MY emotions, I often failed to really listen and see what the other was really saying.

 

I realized how counterproductive it was, how much it just led to the same cycle over and over, and actively learned how to communicate my needs and wants more effectively. A big part of this is not blaming the other person for not being able to communicate when THEY still are not sure how either! Often the dumpers have also tried to communicate, in their own way. A large part of communication is understanding not everyone will communicate in exactly the same way you do nor is there a "better way", and that together you need to work it out.

[Scout]

I commend anyone who learns how to love, communicate, and live healthily if they come from a background where those skills weren't taught. I know personally how hard the work is to overcome that.

[kiama]

yes, i see that, how trust can be an issue from early on. for instance if someone was abused, they wouldnt trust anyone. but, there is still a pinpoint, of when that abuse started, and fixing things starts from going back to that point.

 

communication starts at age 1, or something. so its a long time of bad communication. so long in fact that its why i think its one of the hardest things to actually change. you are a strong person raykay, you realised your problems, and dealt with them.

 

its like, you have to realise you have a problem, and want to fix it, but isnt that a really hard problem to realise, when in their brain (the non communicators), its right, cos thats how theyve been taught.

 

Its like, some people are brought up with parents that have no respect for nature. will knock a dog over and think 'stupid dog', will kick a cat if it walks past.... or even better... littering...their parents just throw rubbish on the floor, even in a beatiful nature reserve, just dont care. The child will grow up and do the same. Its okay to them, its normal, its right, and on most occasions, they will not change those ways.

 

i just think communication is one of those things, its embedded deep in the brain, as to how one should communicate, to change that, takes a lot from the person themself.....some are strong enough to do so... most arent, its easier not to deal with it after all, like its easier not to talk.

 

its like a non-communicator, is so bad at communicating, they cant even, or chose not to communicate with themselves, about there communication problems.... and just leave it.

 

(peter piper picked a pack of pickled peppers...lol)

[Wotgorilla]

It's all about upbringing and your environment. It makes who we are as a person.