Bleak future

[BrendaBean]

Hi all:

 

I'm a new member to ENA and I just want to thank everyone who is committed to this forum. You help so many without even knowing it.

 

I posted a few weeks or so ago in the long distance section about a problem I was having in a long distance relationship. In a nutshell, we had been together for a year and a half - our fair share of ups and downs, but always worked them out; and up until about three weeks ago, I was always 100% sure that this man loved me dearly. We had been in a very long distance relationship, but we were working through it and I was even going to go see him this month. A little bit of background on him: he just turned 30, he is a tour operator in India, and the most important things to him are family and religion (he's a muslim. . i am not. also, his family is very traditional and expects he'll have an arranged marriage). Despite our differences and knowing these things early on, we always made plans for getting around any problems that arose (e.g., moving together outside of India so there would be no family pressures, etc.). Basically, both of us knew from the beginning that he would probably be faced with the arranged marriage thing, but we planned for it from the BEGINNING. I was assured it wouldn't be an issue, otherwise I would have been stupid to get involved knowing in time he'd just get married to someone of his parents' choosing.

 

In late February I had a birthday and he was the first person to call (at midnight) to wish me happy birthday. He told me how much he loved me and reminded me of how we spent my birthday last year (I was with him in India), and everything was fine. About a week after that, I called him after not speaking with him in a few days and when he finally answered me (which is not like him to just not answer his phone) he told me out of nowhere that he needed time and space to "think about his life" and he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore. When I say this was out of nowhere, I seriously mean it. The one thing I can say about him is that he can't fake his feelings. When he really loves you - you feel it. I felt it on my birthday. When he's out of love, you can definitely sense it from him - and I was sensing that he was OUT of love with me. After only a WEEK!

 

After trying for the past two weeks to get answers from him (and I can say that my behavior didn't help anything. . I was doing everything I shouldn't have; pushing for answers, not giving him the space he asked for, crying on the phone. .), he finally told me that the reason he had been this way was because his parents are now pushing for him to get married (arranged, of course), and he's "confused" about it (which means he's considering it). He is also going to be pursuing business opportunitiees in other parts of Asia (so he says) so that's another thing that he is "thinking about" in his life.

 

While he said he didn't want to break up, he just wasn't sure about anything. He also did the thing where he would not officially break it off, and would "leave it up to me". I finally ended it on the phone a few nights ago because I really don't think I had any choice but to just let it go.

 

There are so many emotions I feel, and I'm working through the whole range (hurt, anger, shock, you name it). .but even after I get over him (hopefully), I still feel so pessimistic about the future. If I can be in a relationship that was so seemingly secure, at least in how much I KNEW I was loved, and it dissolved almost OVERNIGHT, how in the world can I go on thinking that maybe I'll find the "one". . why? Just so he can wake up one morning and decide to call it quits? Don't get me wrong, I know that I took a risk in the beginning as far as the obstacles we faced, but right now the thing that kills me is that I just don't feel he even loves me anymore, and that's the part that scares me. How can you EVER feel secure in a relationship when you realize that people are capable of just waking up and falling out of love?

[MissIndigo]

Hi BrendaBean,

 

I also had a very long-distance relationship dissolve very recently. Mine was transatlantic.

 

It feels to you that the relationship dissolved overnight when it had probably been dissolving emotionally with him for some time now. One of the big signs that he wishes to remain in his part of the world is that he wishes to seek out other jobs in Asia, and from what you wrote, it sounds like he didn't communicate a wish for you to think about joining him. Even in the end if it hadn't worked between you, you would have at least had a chance to discuss possibilities. Sometimes I feel we may mourn the loss of a chance, and what could have been, than we do the reality.

 

Do a huge act of self-love and do not allow yourself to be held in limbo by him, even if it means taking another initiative and telling him that, and making it clear that you were (are?) interested in pursuing a proper relationship. If that will help bring peace of mind, do it, and then I would say a period of no contact would be very healing for you. Cutting someone off cold turkey hurts like hell but a cleaner cut heals faster than a ragged one.

 

So much of what you said in your post I can relate to (especially leaving it "up to me" and a feeling of not fighting for something you felt was worth the effort, while not really wanting it to end). And I'm sorry you are hurt and angry, and I wish you the best on your road to healing. Feel free to PM me if you want; I understand the obstacles that a couple can be up against when they are thousands upon thousands of miles away from each other.

[BrendaBean]

Thanks so, so much. I edited a lot of my post, just for brevity's sake, so I think you read some things before my edit. =)

 

I know I'm stubborn for thinking this, but I just don't see that there was *that* long of a progression of his feelings changing. I think what really did it for him was the pressure from his family, and one thing I do know is that they will always be #1 to him. Or, heck, maybe he really was falling out of love and I didn't realize it.

 

The only bright side about the road to healing is I don't even think he'll be reachable anymore. He told me he would possibly be leaving this week, so once he leaves the country I won't have a number. There's always the time between if/when he lives, so I'm trying my best to not even call and if he wants to call to say bye, I'll deal with that when/if it happens.

[BrendaBean]

Sometimes I feel we may mourn the loss of a chance, and what could have been, than we do the reality.

 

Oh my Gosh! Why didn't I see that before? That is SO true.

[kiama]

This is horrible.

 

but i have to say I dont believe it could ever have worked out. Especially with his religion, and a part of that being arranged marriage. Its easy for him and you to have believed that you could work around that issue, as you where in love, but you could never have. Family is number one to him, and religion too. You cant choose who you fall in love with, but this is a prime example of just not being compatable. too different backgrounds.

 

The only way for this arranged marriage problem to have been overcome, would be him changing his religion, and by doing so losing his family, to be with you. And that would never have happened. This is who he is, and that cant change.

 

Its very upsetting, and im so sorry for you, unless of course, you are willing to convert to being a muslim??? Is that an option? Is your love for him strong enough to do that? Have you maybe discussed this with him?

 

Just a thought. Maybe hes turned his feelings off purposely, because he cant see himself with you, as your backgrounds are too different......

[BrendaBean]

First, thank you so much for your response.

 

My heart actually sank as I read that because you touched on some things that I guess I never wanted to admit. When things are going so well, and you feel such a connection, it's easy to be so unrealistic about things that most likely will be an issue.

 

As far as converting. .to be honest, I've thought about it but don't even think this would have solved the problem. It's not even about my religion, it's about my background and where I'm from. He's Kashmiri and his wife should be too (it's just tradition).

 

I guess I just thought this was different.

 

This really sucks.

[kiama]

it really is horrible.

 

but maybe you should see this as a relief, ok. pretend you did get aroung the marraige problem, and had kids, now would there be arguments on how those kids should be brought up, whose religion, whose beliefs, would you be happy for your kids to follow, his tradition, end up in arranged marriages... look at the big picture.... this relationship would be full of problems, forever. so can you maybe feel relieved that you wont have to worry about these things for the rest of your life?

 

its like youve lived a fantasy. look at it that way. you fell in love with an indian man, who had his own religion, different beliefs and traditions, but you could never be. you lived something 'out of reality'. maybe write a journal about it, how you met, how you knew things wouldnt work out, etc... you will read it back one day, and wow, what a story, a real life fantasy.

 

its like i have this attraction to native red indians.. dunno why, but i looooove them. if i ever had a relationship with one, it wouldnt work out. I could see myself living in a teepee for a while, but not forever, lol.

 

so maybe take this as a sad 'love story chapter' of your life.

 

also, it was a long distance relationship, i know it hurts so bad now, but the fact it was long distance is in your advantage here, you are use to not seeing eachother everyday, which is a great thing to not have to deal with. Imagine you lived together. One of the hardest parts of breaking up with someone, is all of a sudden theyre not around like they use to be, u dont wake up with them etc....its like losing an arm.

 

so you have a little bit of an advantage there, although it may not seem so now. but you will get through this quicker than you think,

 

take care,

x

[BrendaBean]

omg, MOVE TO VIRGINIA! I need a friend like you! lol

 

It's crazy but I just did NOT want to see things this way at ALL. It certainly felt like a fantasy for a little while, but stranger things have happened. I thought "well, I'm sort of a free spirit. . I could see myself picking up and moving to some country; we could be together and I still wouldn't have made that big of a sacrifice because I love new adventures anyway. . ". The thing about having children and raising them a certain way is a great point. I always said that I have a lot of respect for the Muslim religion and wouldn't be opposed to my kids being raised that way, but deep down inside I want THEM to choose what they want to be.

 

*sigh*

 

So many strikes against us, I guess it was inevitable that we struck out. .