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We talked a bit today online (she initiated like always). We joked around, she was giving me crap telling me "I need to move her back to #1 on my myspace". I messaged her saying I would if she admitted some stupid questions. I made a stupid list, pretty much just making her admit I'm awesome. She did, and I still didn't move her back to #1. Then laughed at her, and thanked her for agreeing with me. Juvenile, I know.


What am I doing? I do miss "us", but it has gotten to the point I no longer need that in my life. I do love her, a lot, but I know right now me and her could not be together. During our phone conversation last night, she told me she "wanted to be with me but knows it couldn't work right now, not because she doesn't want to, but because I don't". I felt as if she was trying to get an answer out of me, like, "it could work, lets try again", but I agreed with her. Then she went on to say that no matter what, she does want me to be happy. And as hard as it would be to see me with someone else, "she would get over it", and "truly wants me to be happy". Things she's never said to me before.


Is it stupid to continue talking to her, even if it's just "friendship" talk. I mean she obviously still flirts, was leaving me comments on my pictures about how "hot I am and she wants to refresh" refresh, was her talking dirty pretty much. We've always have an odd relationship, even when we were together. We were best friends, and flirted and gave each other crap all the time. And that's how things seem now.


I'm not calling her, we've just slowly began talking after a month of NC, but it's like it's back to our old happy selves. She tried calling tonight from work, but I was in the hot tub with two girls, so didn't want to pick up. And that's when I asked myself " * * * is wrong with you". I didn't pick up, because I know if she would of heard girls in the background, and knew I was in the hot tub, it would of been a fight. But, we're not together! And I KNOW she would of gotten mad. So I ignored the call.


I've been keeping busy. I wish I had more guy friends here, I lost touch with a lot of my old guy friends from high school. And the two I have now, 1 is stuck extremely far up his gf's butt (he gets into relationships and disappears), and the other, well he hasn't changed much since high school. I love the guy like a brother, but can only stand to hang out with him once a week. Then I have a good 6-7 female "friends". One lives up the road (the one that was in the hot tub), and she always wants to hang out.


We had a "fling" a good 5 years ago, that lasted a week. And we lost touch after that, and started hanging out again a couple months ago. She is the type that ONLY goes for "bad boys", and always gets burned. It's obvious she gets crushes fast, and I know she has a crush on me. She brings up our little fling all the time, at random times. We ended up back at her place tonight and watched a movie, her friend went to bed and we were left alone. My "lack of sexual activity" started to get the best of me, and I was extremely close to putting the moves on her, and stopped myself, and went home.


I know it would be for all the wrong reasons. It would make our "friendship" weird, and she's the type to catch feelings, and I don't want to burn her like that.


So, it's not like I'm not moving on with my life. A part of me really wants to just start ignoring my ex completely again. But now it would seem weird. She most definitely would wonder who, what, where, when, and why. I've been extremely low key and cool with her, if I just cut her off she'd probably call me on it.


And at the same time, I want to have some kind of friendship with her. I just don't know what. I know this is ultimately my decision, I just really want some other views. Is this just an all around bad idea?

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she told me she "wanted to be with me but knows it couldn't work right now, not because she doesn't want to, but because I don't"


I believe this sentence says it all. It seems she already accepted that you don't want to come back but, deeply, she didn't moved on. Maybe there's some hope in her mind and that's why she's trying to test the waters...just to see if you've changed your mind. If you really don't want to go back to her, why don't you give her a litle help? Talk to her and tell her that you don't want to go back.....NC from your side would be good to her but tell her about it.

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