kate111 Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 What happens if you are TOO good at no contact? When I look back at my relationship history I have always done no contact. But I probably did no contact to the point of cutting people off out out of hurt and as a defence mechanism. For me, I don't want to call them as I run away from hurt. Perhaps I am being too harsh. Maybe I should do something different this time. Thoughts? Link to comment
Ferion Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 Of course you can always try being friends with someone. Some people (like yourself) live by the NC rule. I've stayed friends with many of my past-lovers to this very day. But sometimes its just not for everyone. So give it a try. But its a valuable skill you have I wish I was good at NC. Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 20, 2007 Author Share Posted March 20, 2007 Thanks. I suppose it is a good thing in many ways. I don't want to be friends though. I want him back. Link to comment
Ferion Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 Oh. Sorry, I didnt know there was a specific situation. If thats so, please give us a bit of background story. Did you end it? Did he end it? I'd be happy to reply. Link to comment
blender Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 It's a "healthy" choice to do "no contact" because it's too painful to be in touch with the person right now... that's the right choice to take time to heal, and to re-gain your perspective and to not be so emotionally vulnerable. And if in time you want to make contact because you feel sincerely ready to just be an honest "friend" to the person, then that is always an option in the future. But for right now it's best if you are still "emotionally so vulnerable" and the ex is NOT making an intentional effort to be in your life and working on the relationship you desire, then "no contact" is the most empowering, attractive and healing choice.. and yes at times it "feels" like the most difficult choice but the "right" thing to do is usually the most difficult. You're doing the right thing for today, no contact is for YOU, so you can take a self respecting approach for your own healing, growing, and regaining your sense of self and independence. Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 20, 2007 Author Share Posted March 20, 2007 He ended it. 3 years together, lived together. He said he wanted space. There has been no contact since apart from a few emails about the house. He stated his reasons again for the split in email but I didn't reply. He moved out and I am getting rid of our house. I realise now I was too dependent on him. BUt he was also getting a bit mean towards the end. Link to comment
kiama Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 see kate, this is the problem.... this is where i wonder about no contact. ok, its for us to get over them, but if it makes it easier for them to just forget, that in turn is a fact that makes it even HARDER for us to get over them (knowing theyre just moving on so swiftly) its weird. i think idol chat and messages are daft. but maybe if ur in a position to bump into them whilst out, thats better contact. like a brief, hey, as u walk past happy and radiant. i think thats alright contact... but if you cut people off becuase u run away from hurt, maybe that kind of contact isnt good either... maybe you couldnt handle that. whatever it is, dont feel bad for being too harsh... its not too harsh, they deserve nothing more anyway. did any of that make sense.... Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 20, 2007 Author Share Posted March 20, 2007 Yes I see your point. But he was throwing me crumbs before. Should I have responded before? Link to comment
blender Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 If "no contact" allows you to heal, and IF at the same time the ex does move on, then the break up was the "right" thing in the long run anyway. But "no contact" also allows your healing and the "opportunity" for the ex to "discover" IF they do have "authentic feelings" and at some point will make contact with the clear intention of expressing this. If not, then "no contact" is a win-win either way.. it just is, If the EX is NOT making an effort to work towards the relationship, then it's best for you while you are still so emotionally vulnerable to go "no contact". Trying to be "friends" right after a break up is so difficult, and most times it's "insincere and not really honest" because if you are "secretly hoping for more" then you are only causing yourself more pain, sending out the wrong signal to the ex that it's "okay" to just be thier "buddy" now, and it also delays your healing process and can eliminate the opportunity for the ex to "miss you" and possilbly discover authentic feelings for you in the long run. When the ex is NOT making an effort to work on the relationship then it's best to go "no contact" and try to be in acceptance and start to get busy with your own life and all the possilbities of YOUR future. Knowing that you tried, you loved, and if it's meant to be, the ex knows how to contact you if and when they ever discover they have a clear intention of wanting to try again as a couple. Link to comment
blender Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Crumbs? NO, do not respond to CRUMBS... then you are lowering yourself to be accepting of "crumbs" when really you want the "whole cake".. so unless the ex is making a sincere loving intentional clear effort to be in YOUR life and work on being a couple.. there is no reason to "pretend" to be okay with crumbs.. it's sends the wrong message and will leave you feeling disappointed in the long run. Make a deal with yourself, set a standard and value for your own heart that YOU are NOT interested in anyone who is NOT making an intentional effort to cherish and respect your heart. Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Share Posted March 21, 2007 Yes you are right. But if you don't contact them how will they know you have changed? Link to comment
blender Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 they will know you have grown and changed because YOU ARE NOT contacting them anymore.. that's how. Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Share Posted March 21, 2007 Crumbs? NO, do not respond to CRUMBS... then you are lowering yourself to be accepting of "crumbs" when really you want the "whole cake".. so unless the ex is making a sincere loving intentional clear effort to be in YOUR life and work on being a couple.. there is no reason to "pretend" to be okay with crumbs.. it's sends the wrong message and will leave you feeling disappointed in the long run. Make a deal with yourself, set a standard and value for your own heart that YOU are NOT interested in anyone who is NOT making an intentional effort to cherish and respect your heart. By crumbs I mean he sent me a message or two repeating why he broke up and saying sorry etc which I never acknowledged. I didn't think I needed to respond. ah maybe I am worse at no contact than I think. Listen to me. Link to comment
blender Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Yes, you did the right thing, he was simply sending those texts for HIMSELF to alleviate his own guilt or curiosity.. and if he didn't ask a direct question of you, and made no clear statement of intentionally wanting to get back together, then you were absolutely emotionally healthy to not respond. He will learn that IF he ever does discover "athentic feelings that he plans of following through on with an intention of getting back together" then he will have to make more of an "effort a clear effort" to say just that IF he wants a response, so until then, there is no reason for you to walk into the emotional mine field of responding to his "guilt".. that is for HIM to deal with, not you. YOU just take care of you right now... Link to comment
Ferion Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Sometimes you can't get him back, no matter how hard you try. Its a tough pill to swallow, but once it down the healing can begin. From what it sounds like, he's trying to make himself feel better by reminding you with crumbs thus justifying his break up with you. Don't take that, you deserve better. Move on, hun. Its the best thing to do. Its hard, but go NC. Let him know, why, say thanks for the good memories and move on. Maybe in a few years you can become friends with him. But for now, take the time to take care of yourself. He isn't interested right now. Good luck. Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Share Posted March 21, 2007 they will know you have grown and changed because YOU ARE NOT contacting them anymore.. that's how. Yes you are right. It's so hard when you are in the middle of this. Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Share Posted March 21, 2007 Sometimes you can't get him back, no matter how hard you try. Its a tough pill to swallow, but once it down the healing can begin. From what it sounds like, he's trying to make himself feel better by reminding you with crumbs thus justifying his break up with you. Don't take that, you deserve better. Move on, hun. Its the best thing to do. Its hard, but go NC. Let him know, why, say thanks for the good memories and move on. Maybe in a few years you can become friends with him. But for now, take the time to take care of yourself. He isn't interested right now. Good luck. Thanks. Argh it's so hard to detach when all your hopes and dreams included that person. Link to comment
blender Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Yes, it's so difficult when our minds and hearts are racing and focusing on the ex as IF they hold the key to our happiness, that is a strong "feeling" but it is NOT a FACT.. the FACT is you hold the key to your own happiness, and love is about sharing your happiness, values and standards with another, NOT about "attaining" them from the other. So for today, breathe, and know that you are growing, be proud of yourself for learning to have the self respect to "let go" and try to heal, and want "More" for yourself.. you are worthy of a loving, loyal, committed, intentionally respectful, sexy, joyful, wonderful man.. and the healing starts with YOU using this sadness you are feeling now to re-discover how fantastic YOU are and how YOU have to offer. Celebrate YOU, your independence, your own courage to let go and to heal, and to realize how many wonderful opportunities your future has waiting for you. Link to comment
blender Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 And all those hopes and dreams you "attached" to the ex, those are YOURS, they go with YOU, on YOUR journey.. re-attach them to YOU. Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Share Posted March 21, 2007 Thanks Blender. You're so positive. I just feel very sad. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Kate111, I am sorry that you feel so sad. I hope that things start looking up for you soon. I know how hard it is to let go of your dreams and hopes in a person. I've always had trouble doing that and I don't usually let go until I am pushed to, or else there is no way out. You're a lot stronger than me. Link to comment
blender Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Yes, sometimes in life we are "very sad for awhle" but it is during these times we do the most personal growing and develop our good qualities of strength, class, self respect, and discover how incredible YOU really are on your own, and then you will ATTRACT an emotionally healthy relationship into your life.. this sadness is an "opportunity" to grow. Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Share Posted March 21, 2007 I can't let go of the hope he will come back. Link to comment
kate111 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Share Posted March 21, 2007 So how long until I can contact him? Or should I never? It has been 2 months already. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Do you think if you contact him right now, it would set you back a lot in your healing? If so, don't contact him yet. If you think that contacting him may open up the door a bit to a reconciliation, then contact him. Link to comment
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