Taking a Break.

[Landonn]

Sorry in advance if this is long.

 

It's been 11 months, lately my g/f has been acting really weird, and on st. patty's day, she brings up that she wants to go on a break. Me being hammered, a good conversation never arose, so we talked sunday. I convinced her that I didn't want a break, due to the loose-ness of the whole term "break". I hate breaks.

Ever since that, I couldn't stop thinking about what she wanted, and I really honestly want her to be happy, so I told her that If she wanted a break, then thats what we'll do (Hardest decision of my life I wouldn't doubt it).

Last night, we talked, and agreed on a break. With grad around the corner, we agreed that whatever happens, we both still go to grad together. She says that she doesn't want a break to hook up with other guys, she would never do that to me. But she hasn't really ever had a long-term relationship before. She doesn't know if she wants the whole calling, walking to class, hanging out all the time routine, and she's not sure how long that this break will last, but she just needs some time to herself. No calling, no nothing, barely even talk.

 

Today was the most awkward/sad day of my life. It's not just like i'm taking a break with my girlfriend, I'm taking a break with my best friend too. Common conversation is all that I got today, no body languge, just the odd smile, and "hey, hows it goin, whats up?" sorta stuff. Hurts so much. I dont know how long I'm going to be able to take this.

 

From past experience from you guys, can you help me cope with this? I dont know what to do, All I want is her back in my arms as soon as possible. I've never felt like this before, my stomache literally hurts because its almost as if I'm not allowed to even say "Hey... you look really good today".

 

Help me out please guys, I'm lost and alone here.

And sorry for this being so long.

[bar35]

Thats really tough. I feel your pain sir, relationships are one of life's most difficult challenges and you sound like you are a good guy, that you relate to her as a true companion as well as a BF. Good luck with your situation. I expect it will get better. Give her what she wants and treat yourself as kindly as possible.

[Ferion]

I understand what you're going through. It hurts doesn't it? It feels terrible doesn't it?

 

You have to think of what she's thinking about. What is she wondering? I can only guess for you. Is she questioning if she wants a serious (long-term) relationship. Its alright if she doesn't want all that stuff you mentioned.

 

I've been in this exactsituation before too. I'm just reflecting on what I've been through and trying to pass on some knowledge. What happened with me was..

 

In my second week I already decided what to do, In the hallways, I walked up to her and before she could say a word, I told her..

 

"This relationship is whatever you want it to be. There's no pressure, and no strings, I love you."

 

And thats all. Next day, she gave me a hug told me she was sorry, and we were an item again.

 

Now..don't expect anything magical to happen. It doesn't work like that. Only tell her what you feel. Give her to the time and space to think. She deserves that. If it was meant to be, it was meant to be.

 

Good luck, let us know what happens.

[kiama]

you know what id do, id nip it in the bud. id end it with her. It will hurt, but it hurts anyway. Now is the time to turn the tables around. A break usually means the end, sorry if thats blunt.

 

look at it this way, say this 'break' goes on for 3 months... you will be dying inside, for a whole three months. then she may end it, and you will be dying inside for another three months. You end it now, and you will be dying inside for three months, and get over it.

 

and one of two things can happen. This could shock her. shes not expecting you to take control. and she very well may come crawling back pretty soon. Or, she could think 'shew', atleast i didnt have to end it.

 

Its a gamble, but for your own sanity, i think ending it yourself, would be the best thing to do, she will definitely come back if thats what she really wants.

 

just explain to her... 'sorry, being on a break just makes me feel continually anxious, and worried, id rather not worry, so i think we should just end it.'

 

really though, that is just my advice, i dunno if anyone feels the same, but i can see this break just damaging you.

[DN]

I agree with this advice. Nothing worse than being in limbo waiting on the decision of someone else.

[Landonn]

i wish it were that easy. I've never loved anyone like this before. We're going to the same college, and the same university afterwards. I know it's forward, and I'm only 17, but I could see myself possibily being with her all of my life. I've got no reason to break up with her now, she's done nothing wrong, she's the nicest girl I've met, and this is all just weird and random. I dont know.

[kiama]

the reason to break up with her is for your own good. what if she wants this break to carry on for a long time? your going to be feeling exactly like you are now for the whole time, and still not sure of what the outcome will be.

 

also....youre human.... the chances are that by giving her this 'break' that your so not wanting, your probably going to do a lot of things to push her further away. whilst this 'break' persists, you are probably going to end up breaking down in front of her, perhaps begging at some stage, perhaps inviting yourself out with her. (NOT that that is bad, or wrong - we all do it!) - but it definitely doesnt help the other half in wanting you back, it will most likely cause the person initiating the 'break' to be rather certain a break-up is needed.

 

its so so so so so so hard. we all know. but i think u have to put yourself first. you could be waiting around for a year, who knows. i really believe that shocking her in leaving her first is your best bet. she will be shocked, and that alone MIGHT be enough for her to think 'hey, shoot, i dont want a break, if it means breaking up - come back'

 

its totally up to you though. id gain some control now. believe me, if i could turn back time, id do what im advising you. control of a situation is better than rejection - trust me.

[kiama]

Ok, heres just a silly example... makes sense to me, but im just bonkers.

 

Right - you come home one day, and wait for your beloved pet dog to jump into your arms - only to be told he got put down. you had no idea. that would hurt.

 

however, say your dog was old, and you sat down and thought about things, and decided yourself, right the best thing to do is to get him put down... it would hurt yes.... but it was your decision, you made it. it would hurt a little less than just finding out it had been done, no? and that 'little less' hurt, makes up for a lot.

 

take control of the situation, xx

[Landonn]

I do understand what you're trying to say yes. And I totally agree with it.

But I'm not going to let it last 3 months, I assure that. And with already having plans for grad, I asked her when we talked about it and she said "We should probably have things made up by then"... which means that she isn't considering this to be long, I think she just needs her space.

I think I'm just taking this rough today because I'm losing a best friend/girlfriend cold turkey, and I have no idea when they are coming back.

 

After all, it's only day 1.

[karvala]

I think this thread raises an interesting question: is it ever right to let a partner take a break in a relationship?

 

The argument that you should take control and not wait in limbo for someone else's verdict is a powerful one, but the logical conclusion is that a break is never an acceptable thing. However, unless it's the case that all relationships where someone asks for a break inevitably fail shortly afterwards, which I don't think is entirely supported by the evidence, then it follows that to always force the issue and refuse the break will lead to unnecessary foreclosure in some cases at least.

 

The question then is one of balance: is the potential harm from premature foreclosure by refusing a break request greater than the potential harm from waiting for a period of time, and then possibly also being rejected, or possibly not? I think it's a judgment call to be made in each individual case; I don't think there is any one answer that works in every situation.

[sarge17]

Landon

 

Please take Kiama's advice, it is very good guidance.

 

Kick her to the curb, and be a MAN. She has put you in a position where she is pulling you around by your ear. If this wakes her up or she comes back to you by your actions you will have the power, but use it wisely.

 

Please read Kiamas posts again maybe twice. This is about you and your feelings. Why hurt for x amount of time while she is deciding what she wants in life. Start dating other women. She is not thinking of you just herself. Red Flag.

 

I hate the terms "space" and "breaks" when it comes to relationships. Most of the time it means I want to see other people.

[Landonn]

Thanks guys. At first I was really really denying everything you guys said, but now it's been a few days, and this isn't helping anything at the moment, and as I've heard from her friends, she's having just as hard of a time as I am...

Which raises the question: Why the %&^$ are we doing this in the first place?

 

I'm giving it to the end of next week, if it lasts that long. As much as I want to finish this off right now, I can't. I want to be strong enough to, but I just care wayy too much, and obviously she does too, which still gives me hope, cause if it is that way, then obviously she's trying to fix something that I'm un-aware of. If there's no improvement, I'm talking to her, and letting her know how I feel, if she's still in a mood for a break, screw it, she can have the longest break she wants cause it won't be with me anymore.

[Landonn]

Should have listened. Talked to her tonight... didn't make things any better than they were. "She can't have a boyfriend right now, she feels flustered"

[lady00]

Should have listened. Talked to her tonight... didn't make things any better than they were. "She can't have a boyfriend right now, she feels flustered"

 

I think you need to break up with her and heal. You guys may get back together but she doesn't want a relationship right now so this "break" is really a "breakup" in disguise. I suggest you make it official so that you can heal and open up the possibility of later reconciliation. But first you need to heal and move on and get to a less vulnerable place.

[amystar]

I know how you feel. Been there myself.

 

You said you're graduating soon. This time can be very confusing for some people. Could it possibly be that she is stressed out about her future and doesn't know what she wants anymore? Maybe she wants to experience college all by herself.....I don't know but like others here have said, don't wait, move on!

 

When this happened to me, my bf told me he needed some time to figure things out, he wanted a "break". I waited for a few days, I was hurting really bad the whole time. It was like I was being broken up with every day and just could not move on. So I decided it was over, I couldn't do this to myself anymore. A few days later, he decided he wanted to get back together.

 

My point is, give it a few days. If she doesn't come around, just end it. You don't want to keep hurting yourself. Find the courage to just move on. If you are meant to be together, things will work themselves out (I know this is really cheesy but it really helped me). Good luck.

[Landonn]

Yeah, I talked more in depth with her today when I wasn't all love crazy.

I think things are going to work out actually, I wont have to end things. I understand what she's going through, and I've realized that this should be good for me too, and I shouldn't be dwelling over this like I am.

I'm going to just chill, go out with the boys, if we end up being at the same party, hell, thats good, we can talk.

We've agreed that we can't do the whole no-calling/ no-texting thing, we can't completely ignore eachother. We both just need our space, to get our old habits of having fun back, and kinda start things over.

Hell, in a week or two, we'll prolly end up getting drunk and hooking up again either way... starting things over again, but hopefully with a new start. I've got a whole new outlook on things now, I can't lose any more sleep over this, and hell, I'm having fun with my friends too, and as long as I can still call her and still let her know Im there, and be her friend too, then we've still got a chance.

And after all, she still says she wants this, she just says she wants some time, she wants to start over, get the spark back sorta deal, and I dont think thats quite a bad idea either. So.... hopefully everything will work out, but Im not going to worry anymore.

[Landonn]

Thought everything was good, she realized that she didn't want a relationship and just wants to have fun with her friends in her grad year.

definitely single

[forgiveand4get]

I hate to say it but it's for the better. Honestly, why hold on to something that you arent sure of. I'm sorry that she ended it, but everything will be ok. You'll get through this just fine and meet a great girl that wants the same things you do.

 

Hang in there!

[lady00]

Sorry man. That's tough. Being strung along is the worst...been there. Ignore her for now. It doesn't have to be in a mean way. If she asks, just tell her you've been busy. Good luck with everything. You'll be okay.