Ghosty Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 My bf of 9 months had gotten in a car accident a couple weeks ago. We were trying to fill in gaps before he suddenly disappeared... I thought he left me and I was trying to move on then. Just last week... I finally hear from him after 2 weeks. I was accepting the fact he was too coward to face me and break the relationship off... but instead he was in the hospital. The crash was bad enough to put him in a coma for several days and now he is having trouble remembering things that happened. He says he remembers many great times with me... but he is unsure of what he wants right now. I was hurt... I wasn't sure what to do. I was finally talking to him after weeks of silence and now I'm losing him all over again. He asked if things woulden't work out if we would still be friends... the question really stung. I wasn't sure if I could be friends with him and just move on... but I know I coulden't love and hold onto someone that coulden't love or want me back. So I told him we should probably just be friends while he recovers... and he was hesitant because he didn't want to hurt me anymore than he had but I insisted. Right now I do not have hope that we'd ever be a couple again... and I can't keep in touch with him any longer. I want so bad to stop waking up in the morning feeling this hole inside of me... and missing him so dearly. I do still love him... so much. And I can't ever picture myself with another man... I'm still spurning my ex from a relationship before that wants me back and he's jumping all over the opportunity to come and see me now that I'm single and I don't want anything to do with him. I told him that. I feel like my life is at a standstill... or slowly going backwards... it's a scary feeling because I want to move forward... but so long as I keep this friendship I'll always be waiting patiently for him to come back to me... Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 It would be tragic if your feelings required you to break off contact because of his accident. Brain injury can change one's personality; sometimes temporarily, sometimes not. I hope that you can find a way to stay friendly with him as he recovers, although I understand that such things are easier said than done when we have romantic feelings for someone. Link to comment
DN Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 I think you should stay with him for now until you can be sure that his feelings are not being affected by the car crash. Wait until he knows what he wants for sure. Link to comment
chickidee23 Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 I am sorry for your pain and for the loss you are experiencing. I could not even imagine what you are going through! I think if you can find it in your heart and if you can handle it, try to be there for him. However, there is no need to torture yourself. He most likely has plenty of support from family and friends. I don't suggest "waiting" for him. There is no need to set yourself up for disappointment. I'm not saying he doesn't want to be with you anymore but from what he is saying, it sounds like he just needs some space and time to sort things out. Give him what he needs. Maybe if you call him a few times a week to see how he is doing and let him know that you are there for him if he needs you, it will be sufficient enough space. I'm not suggesting that you completely move on- I am only suggesting that you do what's best for you as well. Distance yourself without cutting all ties and let God and fate handle the rest. Best wishes hun! Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 Call me strange, but I feel a little worse for the person who nearly died from a violent head trauma, who spent days in a coma and weeks in the hospital, than I do for the person who isn't getting her emotional needs met by him at the moment. I wouldn't wish to be in her situation and I do sympathize, but I disagree with the advice in the previous post. Link to comment
chickidee23 Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 Call me strange, but I feel a little worse for the person who nearly died from a violent head trauma, who spent days in a coma and weeks in the hospital, than I do for the person who isn't getting her emotional needs met by him at the moment. I wouldn't wish to be in her situation and I do sympathize, but I disagree with the advice in the previous post. A reason I gave this advice is because, if I was in her position, I would not be any good at giving someone support when I was being eaten alive inside by the pain I was experiencing. I did not, by any means, express lack of sympathy for the victim of the accident. She was not asking for advice on how to sympathize for the victim... she was asking for advice on how to help her pain. I think the best way to help him is to give him the space he needs to work on himself and also take the opportunity to work on herself so that neither is brought down further by this tragic event. Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 Yes, I understood you the first time. There's more to the story than her pain, and my advice is predicated on what I perceive to be the greater good for all concerned. Besides, he may be back to normal soon and grateful for her loyalty under difficult circumstances, and they could both be very happy. Link to comment
chickidee23 Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 True. If you understood me the first time, you'd have understood I merely told her to give him space, not cut ties. Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 Yeah, maybe I misunderstood this; because it struck me as pretty cold, considering what he's going through: He most likely has plenty of support from family and friends. I don't suggest "waiting" for him. Link to comment
chickidee23 Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 Ok, that's understandable- I can see how that sounds cold. I just don't think it's fair to tell someone to "wait" when she says herself she sees no future for them. I think she would know better than us. Call me a feminist or whatever you want but there are two people's lives and feelings involved and, yes what happened to him was horrible. I'm sure he's very confused and scared. That is no reason for her go through what she goes through every morning, though. There is no reason to make two people suffer. Link to comment
Ghosty Posted March 20, 2007 Author Share Posted March 20, 2007 Thank you all for your comments reguarding this... I am sorry if I came accross as being selfish. I have been in conflict with myself for quite sometime on what I should do. I know he's suffered alot and has to go to the hospital often for checkups and we don't talk very much at all... and I told him not to worry about me and that I was just glad that he was ok. Which I am. But that doesn't rule out the fear of losing him completely... I'll always be here for him... but I am worried that he will move on and I wont even know it until he introduces me to a new gf. As wrong as it is of me to think right now for what he's going through... I just can't help but think of all these negative possiblities and it's worrying me. But I will always be happy for him... however it may turn out. But I will definitely give him space... I guess I shoulden't freak out so much about something that just happened... Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 I'm a feminist, too, but I'm not anti-male. I hope things work out well for both people impacted by this accident. Link to comment
chickidee23 Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 If I was anti-male, I would not be happily married... Ghosty- You are most definitely not selfish. You have a right to your feelings and it seems to me that you are doing the best thing for him by allowing him to take time to heal and being strong enough to tell him not to worry about you- I really admire that. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better but I can't. Just stay strong as you are now and as time passes, things will become clearer and sort out. Until then, this is a wonderful place to vent your feelings, your frustrations, whatever!! Once again, best wishes to you! And to him as well! Link to comment
Ghosty Posted April 24, 2007 Author Share Posted April 24, 2007 Thank you so much chickidee. Your words really have helped me alot. Heres a little update on my life... First I guess I should explain more about the accident. I don't actually know if what he was telling me was the truth. I never seen him after it happened because we no longer live in the same area so we were doing the LDR thing... I was going to move in with him in a few months but that's not going to happen anymore it seems. Anyway I don't actually believe his story at all. Cold? Maybe. I was being the friend we agreed to be. But now he's shut me out completely. Doesn't reply to emails or calls... and I usually wait a week before I try to see if he's doing ok. He got a new job within a week of getting out of the hospital which makes me question if his condition was really as serious or if it even existed. I even looked for headlines after he first told me about it, to see if there was anything about an accident severe enough to put someone in a coma in his area. Nothing. He says he can't give me any proof... and so I shrugged it off not really believing but keeping the possibility open. Well several weeks now and no word from him, I think he's feeling pretty good. It kind of angers me... I'm all past the sadness emotions. And I've fully convinced myself that he's lied to me about the whole thing because he was too afraid to break the promises he made to me after I took him back the first time. I didn't actually 'want' him to promise me anything and wish he hadn't... I have had my fair share of broken ones and know that all they lead to is disappointment. So any guys out there reading this... don't make any promises... actions speak louder than words. Link to comment
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