starting NC after 5 months apart??

[frances]

my bf broke up with me in october, when the "honeymoon phase" was start changing to more "casual feelings", after 10 months together. it was both his and my first real relationship.

 

2 weeks before we started talking about breaking up, he declared his love to me etc etc (which he'd almost never done in words before!), and told me he would never want to break up with me and he could'nt understand why he had thought about doing that a few months earlier (he still can't explain that). however, 2 weeks later I got little emotionally unstable for several reasons (not just him) and started to cry and talk about how he was important to me etc. 2 days later he - surprise - told me he "was'nt sure of his feelings for me" (he obviously was 2 weeks earlier???). I started the "try-to-convince-him-that-he-loves-me-talk" and it made things worse.

 

he broke up with me, but then a few days later he changed his mind and said he wanted to try. we "tried" for another 2 weeks but he wasn't behaving like before because he still didn't know anything of what was going on in his mind, so I freaked out and said I couldn't do this. then he broke up with me again, this time for real.

 

now it's been 5 months and we have talked a lot during this time, which I regret now when I see it hasn't led to anything good. I have only made the classic mistake of calling him and tried to convince him to be with me etc. we also have a lot of common friends so we have bumped into each other at parties etc, which most times have resulted in me yelling at him, me crying and so on.

 

lately things have calmed down and we've had more serious talks and I have managed to behave more mature. he "can't really figure out exactly what he feels for me", and I have suggested him to at least consider to go back together but he freakes out when I want to talk about such things (he's generally really bad at talking about feelings and serious stuff), and he says he "can't be in a relationship, need freedom etc etc".

however, last time we talked, we tried to decide if it was a good idea to be "friends" or to cut contact. he didn't want to cut contact but i said i wanted to (even though i don't want to). he didn't want to decide about anything so we said ok we'll see what happens, basically.

 

no I wonder, is it too late to start the NC now in order to get him back?? have i damaged it all by being the psycho ex that calls late at night and yelles at him at parties??

[Akatea]

NC is NOT to get the other person back. So put the out of your head RIGHT NOW! No Contact is to figure things out for YOURSELF! Sometimes when we remove ourselves from the situation and start to move on from it, yes, sometimes the other person does come back, but as I have said, No Contact is not a tool designed to get the other person back. Please don't rely on this as a "getting back with your ex" the only way you will get him back is if he WANTS to come back.

[renaissancewoman101]

BUT, if you do NC you can heal and also let the ex realize what life REALLY is like without you and that can cause him to rethink his position.

[frances]

yes i'm aware of that, but it seems to be the last solution both to heal myself and to make him think a little. so i don't see it only as a strategy for getting him back but of course i hope it will work that way too.

 

but the thing is NC probably will not help to 100% in order to heal myself since i probably will bump into him and since I hear stuff about him all the time, what he's doing etc, since we have common friends and go to the same parties and clubs. there will still be disturbing factors like these, in the NC process. especially when it comes to friends that occasionally meet him at parties and so on. this has generally been the worst thing in my whole healing process. it's almost impossible to stop thinking about him when he is EVERYWHERE. i don't even want to meet certain close friends anymore because i'm afraid to hear something about him and i can't even talk with people he know because i don't want to be reminded of him.

[Akatea]

Sorry to sound harsh, but I hate the thought of people putting their hopes on NC as a tool to get the person missing back into their lives.

Yes, it does work sometimes, the ex will think of you, and sometimes the ex comes back when they realise that they need you in their lives. I speak from experience with this one. My BF came back after two weeks of no contact. But I wasn't using NC to get him back. So long as you understand that NC is for YOU and not just to get him back. I understand how hard it can be when your circles of friends all run in the same general direction, but sometimes its best to remove yourself from the situation COMPLETELY. Keep to yourself for a couple of weeks. Go running, pamper yourself with bubble baths and girly flicks, go to your local library get out some self help books (even if you don't believe they will work, you might be surprised ) This doesn't have to be forever. But you might return to your group of friends and not even care WHAT you hea about your ex. With time comes self esteem and with self esteem comes the courage to just be yourself and realise that hey, your not that bad and deserve better than what your ex gave you. Even though the saying "Its called a break up because its broken" springs to mind, I can't stand beside it because things that are broken can sometimes be fixed. Keep your chin up girl, and just remember, sometimes things just take time...