I want my marrriag to be better

[diverp]

I have had a series of issues with my wife over the last year and much more since our new baby daughter was born in August. Our daughter is very fussy and also seems to have colic. It has been difficult to set her down for any periods of time or to get her to be happy by herself at all.

 

My wife and I decided that she shoudl be a stay at home mom. However, income got tight with this and we are living paycheck to paycheck every month now. I have never been that way. My wife acknowledges that we need to tighten up spending but then will turn around and spend on something else.

 

My work has been very stressful and I live in fear of missing deadlines and being fired and the affect that woudl have on our family with me as the sole earner. I have been working on Saturdays and longer days for several months now on a large project at work (I am a programmer). I haven't been able to spend as much time with my daughter as I want and that bugs me.

 

We have all gone through some colds lately and has made life tough. My wife goes to bed about 9 or so, I stay up to do some homework and get to bed about 11 or so. At the worst, my wife gets up at the same time I do, or if our daughter has a cold like now, she got up at 5 this morning and I got up at 6. So, she is still gettting decent sleep, but makes it out as if she is only getting an hour or two. So, it comes on to me to go ahead and stay with our daughter at night and get up with her, even though I am the one who is actually getting shorter sleep hours and having to work under my deadlines. I don't think my wife appreciates taht at all.

 

This weekend we talked and she asked if I wanted her to go back to work. I don't know if that is a fair question to put solely on me. She tends to do that. She tends to put all decisions on my shoulders. I can tell what would happen right now. If I say yes, she resents me for her having to go back to work and only being able to spend the same few hours a day with our daughter that I get right now. If I say no, well, the spending keeps going and we keep going into debt.

 

My wife has a tendency to be very forgetful and then think I am making things up when I repeat to her something she has said. I did this yesterday about something small and she essentialy said I was lying.

 

I tend to like to joke with people. Not badly, just a little bit. She has friends whose husbands joke around with their wives and she thinks its cute. Whenever I do the same, she takes everything seriously and gets all upset with me. So, in effect, I cannot joke around with her very much. I hate that. Its not like I make digs or anything. I don't get it.

 

Anyways, I am getting really tired of having these little episodes where she interprets something I do or say completely differenlty than what I mean them as. I always tell her that there are no hidden meanings in what I say. When I say somethign, I mean just what I said, nothing else. SHe still reads things into what I say and assumes a lot. Partially, because of this, things get tense.

 

My birthday was in January. Her mom was here so I spent most of that time chauffeuring them around. Nothing fun for my birthday. This past weekend was her birthday (Friday). So, she set up a lunch with her friends and a dinner with the same friends that evening. So, i took care of our daughter. Not a problem. The rest of the weekend, we did nothing. I got her a pair of diamond earrings and a camera. She complained about the earrings not being princess cut diamond, but round. SHe wanted to ship them back. I would have assumed that she would want to do something with her husband for her birthday, but decided to do something with her friends instead. I said nothing as she probably got more fun out of that I guess. Just frustrating. Sometimes she can be so immature.

[darkpumpkin]

How old are you both?

[diverp]

I am 36, my wife is 37.

[RayKay]

diverp,

 

As I recall, there were some of these issues present early on before you married and soon after as well, correct?

 

Have you ever gone to counselling for those issues?

 

I think you are both engaging in behaviours that are affecting your relationship together, in a kind of power struggle, by one-upping one another, and failing to communicate together.

 

I really do suggest you go to marriage counselling together to work on communicating your needs effectively (both of you) and to work on the conflict resolution issues.

[ReadyorNot]

Wow,

I would think that as a stay at home mom she without question should be the one to get up in the night with your daughter and try to do everything around the house so you can relax when you are home from work (considering you are working long hours to pay the bills).

 

Also, I would think that if finances are so tight right now, as long as it makes more sense (when you factor in child care), your wife should have been the one to OFFER to get a job, at least something.

 

Im sorry your bday didnt go so well, I am amazed that your wife left you at home on her bday, to go out with her friends... I think you need to have a SERIOUS chat with her and explain to her how you are feeling etc etc.

[ghost69]

she shouldn't ask you if she should work. if there is a problem with $$$ she should just do it recognizing there is a problem with finances.