Laughable situation in a Laughable life

[Piper182]

When I was thirteen, i became extremely depressed. I hid it from my mother until i was sixteen when some stupid girl told the nurse that I was cutting myself. I went to therapy four times and acted fine. I hate therapy. At almost eighteen, my mom found out again i was cutting by looking in my journal (i had hidden it better that time). therapy again, faked it till i went to college and now that i am here, the school therapist told me i was fine. i was on anti-depressants and migraine medications but i took myself off them, i prefer the pain.

 

37. that is the age i am allowed to kill myself. i have had the letter ready for years, all is planned out and it is easily changeable given whatever situation I am in at the time. I say 37 because at that age i will have nothing to keep safe any longer. i did not cut as much because i was depressed but because i figured if i got the pain, others would get less. it is lucky there are other ways to create pain for oneself.

 

i am extremely good at faking but i get into modes and all i do is sit in my room and listen to Smile Empty Soul. They make me feel less alone.

 

If anyone wants to trade stories or just talk about crap, i'm good. i swear, i do not stalk or anything creepy of that extent. i joined this because i can only hope it is true that one is not alone. all of my knowledge privy has proven otherwise.

 

~Carly~

[ButterflyWrists]

Hello...

I know what you feel like... But common, tell us what it is that has made you feel the way you do??

No one will judge you, nor take offence...

Miss X

[flower99]

What is it you are keeping safe till the age of 37 ?????

[Daddy Bear]

I hope you're not married to that 37 thing. You might be in the middle of something incredible at the time.

[Piper182]

I loved something when i was 9. it left, i died inside. things worsened as more people i cared about left me forever. at 13 i became terribly depressed. at 15, i thought that maybe if i was "punished" or something by having extra pain, then maybe those i loved would feel less. 15 1/2 loved a new horse that made me feel something again. a month later, i fell off and he was sent back to his owner and shot between the eyes. i had a bruise in the same spot a day before. i murdered him. 16 they found out i cut, i stopped. 17 started again. 18 found out again, i stopped again. i was put on antis, took myself off a few months later.

 

37 is the age at which i will know he is dead and no more harm will come to him. that's when i am allowed to. i will no longer be able to hurt anyone else.

[Daddy Bear]

I'm trying to understand; please bear with me and answer a few questions...

 

Who has left you?

 

Why would anyone put down a horse because one person fell off it?

 

How could that be murder on your part anyway?

 

What does the bruise you had have to do with it?

 

Who will be dead when you're 37? The horse that was shot?

 

Why is pain better than taking your meds?

[Piper182]

+ ugh, i really did not want to say but the first one who left me was a horse. he had been the parents i wanted and the friend i needed. he was sold after he threw his owner and ran to find me. i searched for him for 6 years steadily but he disappeared, all i know is that he went initially to Georgia. the trail goes cold there. i was left all alone and i never got over that.

 

+ The horse threw me twice in ten minutes. the owner of my barn kept him a bit but never let me get back on. when he was sent back to his old owner, he tried four times to run away, each time apparently running the direction our barn was in. he became violent because they beat him so they shot him

 

+ I did nothing to stop him from leaving. I did not try hard enough to get him back. Doing nothing is the same as holding the gun.

 

+ The bruise was in the same place he was shot. i had it one day before. perfect circle, i told my mom i had fallen out of the bed, i hadn't. I should have known the death was coming.

 

+ When i am 37, i can be sure that the first horse and others are dead. i can no longer hurt them. they will be happier without me and thereforeeee i can prevent any more pain for anyone else.

 

+ I have always hated meds, i think i deserve whatever pain that i feel and there is no reason to sugarcoat it. the more pain for me, the less for them. i am a pagan and i have done many spells to attempt to make this true. 37 is just insurance.

[NKP]

It was not your fault okay. I know life sucks a whole lot it really does. Stop thinking about death cuz 37 thats another 18 years to come so until that time go out and enjoy yourself, do exercise, go shopping, read, hang out with mates or family, just do something so you can enjoy your life befor your 37, it would be a shame if you didnt.

[Daddy Bear]

Thanks for answering my questions, Piper182. I feel very bad for what you're going through, and this is what I think:

 

You really need those meds, hon. Something in your mind, something that can be helped with the right medicine, is causing problems in your thoughts and memories. The same thing happened to a member of my family, and he is no longer tortured after seeing a doctor and getting an antipsychotic prescription.

 

Even if things happened exactly the way you remember them - if horses could think in the human way you describe, and if bruises magically appeared on people to warn them of impending doom - bringing pain to yourself will only cause those who care about you to suffer with you and for you. It is not true that it can make less pain come to people or horses that you love, and they would not want to see you hurting.

 

Please tell your family that you want to see a caring doctor to tell him or her your story and get some medication to help you, and don't let anyone try to talk you out of it. I hope you'll also keep writing here as a member of the eNotAlone community and let us know how you're doing. I'll be watching for more posts from you.

 

My friend, this awful grief doesn't have to rule your life. Get that long overdue help, and at 37 you will find that other beautiful horses and understanding people have come into your life to chase away that empty feeling. You may even find the beauty and understanding within yourself to keep you feeling good inside, even in those moments when you're by yourself.

 

Oh, and find some happier music to play, would ya? Take it from one who knows, listening to the same depressing songs over and over can only make people sick.

[flower99]

I'm sorry for the guilt you are carrying. Please see that you were a child. You had no control over the adults. There was nothing you could have done to save him.

We have all loved and lost. Whether it be a horse, a family member, a friend or a lover. But you can't carry the guilt & die with them. We've have to rise above it and make a change in this world because of it.

What you learnt & the love you've felt can drive you to do amazing things. Maybe open an animal shelter, or a stable, or vet, horse trainer,or whisperer or protect against animals abuse...the options are endless. But you have a gift & you have a love & a passion. You have a purpose. Use it for good!

 

the pain you bring on yourself, when cutting, doesn't lesssen what others feel. It increases the pain going on in this world. You've got to forgive yourself. and work on letting some pain go. find a way to release it, whether it be in writting, music, prayer, a passion find a contructive way to release it.

YOu only have one life to live, make it the best. Use your pain to drive you to save another.

[Spugly Fuglet]

I lived with my grandmar and granddad when I was a kid one day I had a row with my granddad, See I was 16 and I did not know that he was asking odd becouse he had an illness that was eating his brain away. Well I said some bad things and called him names, well he left and checked him self into hospital, that night he used drugs to Kill himself.

 

Me I did that, I did not know all that facts but my words, I was 16 im now 41 I live with that giult but I have also forgiven myself, I was a child as I ahve got older I see more and more that the things I did then where thows of a child, my ageing could add to my giult as I see the full exstent of what I did, but it also shows me how little I know back then.

 

I loved my granddad and when I said what I did I had no idear what would come of it, how could I events had not yet taken there path.

 

I am a Toasit and as such now see life and a way that I could never befor, life deals what it deals what matters is how we walk lifes path, from moment to moment from event to event. What matters is what we do here and now, crimes of the past have no meaning, what dos is today and the futuer well thats to come and of no consern of mine until I get there. Each step, each chanling lets me see the world in new ways.

 

What use if giult I ask now if all it dos it blind me to what is all around and so like a bard relested into the night sky it leave me and I walk on to tomorrow.

[Piper182]

i thank you all for caring, i will admit, i cried as i read all of your responses. I was nine when the first, thing, happened and i have moved a bit forward. Right now, there is a guy i have been hooking up with and he knows nothing of any of this. no one does. even when i saw a therapist, i knew they would probably stick me in an institution if i told them all of it (there is more but i dare not speak it aloud). the biggest problem i have those is with words. i am a writer and i write of what i wish i had generally. Love is a large part of my writing but i try hard not to be cliche. funny enough, i have not said i love you and meant it since i was 12. i have not said it to my family at all since i was 13 and i have not said it to a guy ever.

 

my one question is how to move on. i have nightmares for exactly one week, once a month. same dreams, every time i generally wake up screaming or crying. my roommate probably thinks im a freak, haha (i am in college and things have improved since i came here). i hear the gunshot, i hear screams, everything. everytime i laugh, i end up crying because i am so worried that he cannot laugh, that he doesn't have any happiness, that i ruined his life. i smile so infrequently that my mouth actually twitches after a few minutes, its pathetic.

 

sorry, i do not want pity. I hate it when i do this stuff (by the way, i have a nasty habit of apologizing a lot).

[Spugly Fuglet]

To more on you have to forgive your self, say I love you to you I know it sounds crass but its thr truth, See your doing this to yourself, your making your sefl feel this way, Locked in a mind set thats holding you back and you know this, its time to move on a let it go, after all what is it, just feelings from a child who as long ago left and been preplaced by you, A woman who holds her past and for gets the now. Here is where you are around you is a millon small joys, wonders and most of all fun, to find them all you need do is stand still let wind blow thow your soul carrying the pain back where it belings

into the tears of the past, thats why you cryed them then.

 

Life is a patten it moves all around us and we move around it, none of us can say what will come but whan thing we can do is face it with a smile and as

"will there be wonders?"

[isisastaria]

I have to tell you that I understand your comment about the horses. Animals mean a lot to kids without families. They provide a great deal of comfort when you feel very alone. There are new horses that could bring you just as much love after you work for and buy them (even when you're 40 years old!)

 

See, this is a rational thought (above).

 

Honey, you do not have rational, normal thoughts. Someone has to tell you this. I assume that through trauma and loss you have forgotten how to feel good. (The brain will actually be unable to produce the chemicals in the brain for happiness and pleasure if they haven't been "excercised" enough).

 

Meds or other therapies can really help them to jumpstart again so that you can begin living again. That doesn't mean you're crazy. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It means you need a jumpstart.

 

Your thoughts are not only dangerous to you. They are dangerous to the well being of those who care and love you. Even if those horses had a spiritual connection to you...they could still have that. If you're THIS depressed, that could affect them negatively. So if you want to go there...you could look at it that way. right?