To dogsit or not to dogsit?

[shiloh29]

my husband's parents have 2 large dogs. they leave town a lot and have always expected that we dogsit their 2 dogs at our house. well, we have a pretty small house and we actually just got a dog of our own about 4 weeks ago. they were out of town a few weeks ago and i was able to convince my husband (even though he had already told his dad without talking to me that he would take them) to let our dog adjust to his new surroundings without having the distraction of another dog. well, his parents are heading out of town again and he told me last night that they had made arrangements for their dogs at a local kennel but that they would "appreciate" it if we were to look after them. so now i look like the bad person because i am turning them down! we really do have a small house and we have our own dog to take care of! am i being too mean about this? i guess when we are out of town i am planning on taking our dog to a kennel even if his parents offer, because i don't want to feel like we "owe" them. thoughts? this situation comes up a lot and i keep telling my husband that we don't have room and that we have our own dog, etc. i am trying to be nice about this but he isn't getting the message!

[TheFoglifter]

There are many conclusions you can draw here.

 

1) If anything, they "owe" you. After all that free dogsitting you've done, its only fair that you get some in return.

 

2) As you are probably learning, pets are very important to their owners. Its impossible to enjoy a vacation if you are afraid your pet isn't getting taken care of.

 

3) How are you made to look like the bad guy unless you were named specifically. You didn't tell your husbands parents, he told them. Now if your husband says "shiloh really wants our dog to adjust first" that is a different story.

 

Maybe you can pass this time off as a "just this once". It is important for you to get a break in the dog-sitting routine (although how often do you sit) because otherwise, it will become your regular job.

[Dako]

You aren't bound to be the dogsitters for life.

They're responsible for their own dogs, as you are for your own.

 

If you aren't available, they'll find other arrangements.

Nothing to feel guilty about.

 

Doing a favor for someone carries the risk of being taken for granted.

[shiloh29]

i agree that they "owe" us, especially my husband as he has been dogsitting for them for years, but they don't look at it that way. i am learning that people value their pets very much! i grew up on a farm so we didn't even have dogs inside the house. it is pretty obvious that i am the one turning down the dogs as my husband would watch them in a heartbeat and his parents know that. believe me, it would be our regular job if i didn't interject. i have the mindframe that they are not our dogs and we should not be responsible for taking care of them when they are away. i also don't like how it always assumed that we will take them. i wouldn't mind if we ahd the room to let them outside or run around the house, but we don't. just wondering what would be the tactful way to let my husband know (again) and that i am serious about it so that every time this comes up it isn't this awkard mess!! he feels that he can't tell his parents no.

[Dako]

They owe you gratitude for what you've done, and the understanding that you have a life of your own.

 

Your husband knows how you feel, and he should deal with his parents.

If they were your parents, I'd assume you'd be up at bat.

[DN]

Do you guys plan on having kids?

[shiloh29]

Yes we do plan on having kids. So if we watch their dogs they watch our kids? Yikes.

[Dako]

Or maybe setting boundaries now will pay off when life gets even more complicated.

In-laws can be very controlling.

[TheFoglifter]

They don't have to feel like they "owe you" as long as they don't refuse when you ask for a favor. One has to be careful to avoid a scoreboard type relationship.

 

Yeah, they can babysit for you when you are in need of a vacation, and since its their grandchildren, I'm sure they won't object.

[DN]

What you are doing, with respect, is picking a battle and trying to make your husband fight it for you - - and the battle is with his parents.

 

It seems to me that it is you that doesn't want to dogsit - he has no problem with it since he is merely continuing what he has done in the past.

 

So, you are making the bullet but want him to pull the trigger. And I don't see that as being particularly fair. Especially since you are making him choose sides between you and his parents.

 

The reason I asked about having kids is not just the fact that there will come a time when you want them to look after the kids at a time when it may not be convenient for them. But also because you will need to teach your children how to compromise and how to get what they want without causing major upsets. If you are successful at doing that then when they get married and you have sons/daughters in law you will have shown them by example how to avoid causing rifts between their spouses and their spouses parents.

 

It is a remarkable thing that the old saying 'you reap what you sow' is especially true in family relationships as we transition from child to parent to grandparent.

[shiloh29]

No, I do not want to dogsit. And this has come up before in front of his parents and I have said as nicely and respectly as I can that we have a small house and our own dog to take care of.

 

Yes, kids. I have nieces and nephews galore and my mom is the super nanny to them all. Which is interesting that you bring that point up as his mom told me they are in no hurry for grandkids and to have as many dogs as we like!! But I don't really want to equate dogsitting to babysitting.

 

So, if I am being unfair, how do I be fair? (I'm not trying to be sarcastic, I really want to know.)

[DN]

First you talk to your husband without pressure. Ask him to help you find a compromise - such as restricting the number of times you look after the dogs, maybe staying at their house for a few days instead of yours. Whatever works.

 

Then, having agreed on the compromise, you present it to his parents together - as a team. That way you are not viewed as controlling daughter-in-law interfering in the relationship he has with his parents but as a couple dealing with another couple on more or less equal terms. Take the triangle out of the mix and discuss this as a circle - a family circle.

 

It is not a question of equating dog-sitting with baby-sitting or any form of quid pro quo. It is learning how to do things for each other within agreed limits. That way bad feelings are limited, no one needs to feel boundaries are crossed, or any one is being unduly controlling.

 

In-law situations work best when you consider them part of your family - not just his family.

[TheFoglifter]

Let me reframe the question.

 

You feel that you are portrayed as unfair because you do NOT want to do something that he wants to do. As such, what do YOU want that is FAIR to ask for from your husband for "being willing" to dogsit?

 

This is not a technique to be overused, or else your relationship will become a scoreboard and you'll hate each other. However, if you HAVE ALREADY

- exhausted positive communication

- made it clear you do not want to dogsit every time

- made your reasons clear (and they are fair reasons, not just anything you can pull from the air

- and he will not compromise (perhaps he says "no" next time)

 

then it is probably OK for YOU to ask for something that you want. Perhaps you can be "ok" with dogsitting if he cleans the house first, or buys you something you want, or goes somewhere that you want. Make the trade VERY CLEAR and SPECIFIC, please do NOT do one of these "you owe me a favor" things because then he has that hanging over his head and invariably you'll ask for something that he'll consider excessive, and either way he'll hate you for it.

[shiloh29]

Okay update time. I asked the hubby if it would be alright if we dogsit after our dog gets a little bigger as he is only 11 weeks old and that we only watch one dog and not both of them. His parents have a friend of theirs that watches the other one. I thought it was a good compromise. What do you think?

 

He kind of went on a little bit of a rampage on that when we are out of town he wants his parents to look after our dog instead of putting him in a kennel. Hmm..that's another conversation we will have to have down the road. He also tried to equate me disapproving of looking after his parent's dogs as not wanting to do any favors for them. Which is not the case believe me. Too tired to talk about that right now. Anyways, so we have at least reached a compromise in Part 1 of our dog battle!

[TheFoglifter]

That is a good start, and I'm glad he seems willing to compromise.

 

I think before you go any further, you need to find out just why this is so important to him, and also define why this is so important to you. Is it REALLY because you have a small house, or is there more to it? Do you not want to be indebted to his parents?

 

This is where it gets interesting. It seems to me that exchanging dog-sitting for dog-sitting is quite an equitable exchange. Kennels are expensive and you are leaving your beloved pet with strangers. Why would you choose a kennel over someone you can obviously trust, and who will only ask for dog-sitting in return?

 

Who does what work in dog-sitting? I can understand your resistance if you are the one who has to clean up after them, feed them, and walk them while your husband lays about. If that is not the case however, what is the deal?

 

Consider also that he really fears looking bad in the eyes of his parents. No son wants his parents to think that he is under his wife's thumb. He may be defensive because it seems that (regardless of the truth) opinions are being formed that will come back to haunt him later.

[shiloh29]

Yeah this is where it gets tricky. Honestly, part of it is because we have a small house and we both work so they would be home alone anyways. Like I stated before, I grew up on a farm so our dogs were always outside, never had inside dogs. It took a lot for me to get a dog that we consider to be an inside dog. So, for me to choose a kennel isn't that big of a deal, our dog would probably have a nicer time there than he would being at home all day with us at work! I know, I know, some people think of kennels as jail, etc., and that is fine. But I don't think that way. And I have checked on some kennels around here, pretty nice. I guess I didn't get a dog to have his parents take care of it. That is how I approached the situation and that is what I still believe. We both do the work when we dogsit actually, pretty equal as we both leave for work at different times, have things to do at night, etc.

[TheFoglifter]

A lot of the things you have expressed are value judgements you hold, but others do not.

 

- Kennels are jail: to you no, to others yes.

- Dogs should stay outside: to you yes, to others no.

- Dogs don't like to be alone: I don't know, i've never asked one.

- Parents shouldn't take care of it: what if they WANT to take care of it?

- House is too small for dogs: husband doesn't think so.

 

I'm glad the work is being split equally. That is important. A lot of what you have said above though can be felt just as strongly in the opposite way. You are going to have to find a compromise that does not rely on one single interpretation of the above issues.

 

Said differently: everything you are citing as a con, someone else can cite as a pro.

 

Here is something else to consider: you ARE the squeaky wheel in this situation. I don't mean that negatively, but consider:

 

- Your husband wants/likes to dog-sit (doesn't consider house a problem)

- His parents want/like to dog-sit.

- You do not.

 

In the three parties involved, you are the only one expressing disapproval. As such, there may not be a compromise directly within the bounds of this particular issue. As such, you may need to look outside the issue, but in a way that does not put your husband on the spot or make him look whipped.

 

If I were the one in his shoes, I'd probably already have told my gf that I know she doesn't want to do this, so I'll do for her.

[shiloh29]

Exactly, in the case of value judgments no one is wrong. You just have to respect people for what they believe. I feel I don't get that respect from him or his parents when it comes to this situation. If I do this for him, I am not looking for something in return though. If anything, just understand where I am coming from too!

[Aurian]

Have you thought of another kind of compromise? If the in-laws are out on a longer trip, have them board the dogs in a kennel during the week when you're working and take them out for the weekend. That way, you don't have three dogs bouncing around the house unsupervised and they also get a bit of walk and attention to break up the monotony of the kennel. It also puts less pressure on you since you'd be having them for two days instead of weeks.

[TheFoglifter]

You probably feel you don't get the respect because you are the odd one out, and they are making you feel wrong.

 

If all you want is to be understood -- if you really don't want any other favors in return for dog-sitting, then I don't know what else you can do. It seems that he just has to say "OK honey, I understand what you are saying". I question whether or not you would believe him, or whether you would accuse him of saying what you want to hear.

[shiloh29]

No, I don't want any favors, I don't really work like that. Yes, it would be nice for him to say that, but I don't want to force it out of him, if that was the case then I would not believe him.

 

Ugh, still can't believe we are fighting over dogs!

[TheFoglifter]

So basically, the only snag in this situation is that he needs to freely acknowledge your feelings in a way that was not forced or initiated by you.

 

If he does that, you will believe him, and then the matter is closed?

 

Now that we know what you want, all you have to do is wait and see if you get it.

[ghost69]

do you have a sign out front of your house that says 'sure, anytime, we will sit your dogs'? if you do, wow. i'm sure you don't. but they asked. saying no is a choice.