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on our fourth "hang out" - need some advice


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ok, i've been on an emotional rollercoaster of joy and despair the last few weeks. been on two lunch meetings with this girl, who lives far away, as well as hanging out at the club twice. each time at lunch i think i entertain her enough. but she also brings up some of her exes that she dated since the last time i saw her. I'm thinking i'm friend zoned. well at the club though, when alchohol is served, we flirt with each other pretty good. cuddling and holding hands. i danced with her all night; very closely sometimes too. i don't know where she wants this to go.


my question is: next time i see her outside of the club environment, how do i keep it fun and interesting and flirtatious? when i first started meeting her, i figure i'll just get to know her and get some experience. now i'm afraid of messing up, becoming a bore to her, not knowing what to say anymore. i have one activity date planned out but its a concert that's about 2 months away. also she's invited me out to a few more lunches/dinners but i turned down partly to beat traffic on my way home partly because i don't know how to act when around someone new that often in a short period of time.

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Hey tx-


I get the feeling from reading your post that a change in perspective with this will help you tremendously. There is no reason why this should be so tumultuous for you at this point.


I think the root of this is that you are trying so hard to "do the right things" and keep her interested, entertained, how to act in the sense of trying to be the guy you think she wants, etc.


Let me ask you this. What is/could be the basis of your relationship? What is the basis for your attraction towards her? What common ground do you guys have to build something upon?


This situation is just as much about answering questions from your perspective as well. You mention going to concerts, clubs, dinners. Why not start trying to figure out if there is a deeper connection there or if one is building?


You mention running out of things to talk about. Talk about her, ask her questions about her life, what she wants, who she is. Build a conversation and possible connections from this.


At this point, you only have an idea of possibility at this point. In situations like this, people tend to become fixated on a "mission" to "succeed" here, that they must hold onto this or think they'll become a failure. This isn't really about that. It is about assessing the fit you guys have together and enjoying your time in the process. Focus on that, let go of the notion of trying to act a certain way, to say certain things to keep this thing going, and the restrictive and thus counter-productive fear of such. This is already happening in your reason/excuse to decline spending time with her!


If things happen, that's great. If not, be honest about it and don't sweat letting it go. This is not the last woman on earth and not the last you will meet. And you might meet one closer to where you live too.

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thanks for the reply frisco...


I'm struggling to define my feelings and emotions right now. Ofcourse as a shy guy who's never been romantically involved i should be ecstatic right now. but i feel like something is still not right or missing. like the strong feelings and excitement just isn't the same as when i used to have a crush on a girl that i never told. maybe i'm just a slave to drama. when i used to have a crush, just going to work to see that person would brighten my day after a long week.


with this girl, there's nothing wrong with her, but i've had my moments of joy, jealousy, self doubt as to whether the feelings when we embrace can last or will it get boring; uncertainty in my feelings for her, uncertainty in her feelings for me; fear of failure, of my introvert nature, of the friend zone. so with acceptance staring me in the face, i'm feeling all those as opposed to feelings of despair, self pity/hate and fleeting moments of joy that i used to have for a crush i never told. is this normal??


you are right, i'll change my perspective and try to get to know her more, though it feels like she does most of the talking and i'm too self conscious of the silence that creeps in due to my shortcomings. i'll try to enjoy the moment and her company and if she ends up as a friend i guess that's not a bad thing either.

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Hey TX-


This does sound normal to me, especially in light of the fact you said you have never been romantically involved with anyone before. This is the reaction to the attraction, the excitement, the possibility. This sounds all normal.


I suggest you come up with some draft of your definition of your feelings, emotions, and desires right now given these feelings and emotions. It is probably best to have and believe in some idea of what you think is going on or else you'll just be propagating the confusion and the roller coaster ride here.


I think you should get your footing with this first, a solid perspective, before you do much more with her. Really prepare yourself for any outcome by looking at your life and realizing the outcome to this one situation with this one woman is merely a part of a rich and full life. Accept and prepare for the possibility she may only want to be friends. Accept and prepare for the possibility she is dating someone else. Run these scenarios through your head now and notice which emotions come up for you. Then work to get these out of your system and develop your own coping mechanisms to deal with such emotions, to prepare for them, and accept them and the subsequent situations that caused them. I would work on this first before you go deeper with this with her.


As an ancillary benefit, I think this emotional grounding, this acceptance, will show through in your behavior around her and might make you more attractive to her. Your acceptance with the array of possibilities with this might make you less tense, more cool, a bit detached which might add to your appeal. And the real beauty of this is you aren't manufacturing it, this isn't a front, this isn't something you are "trying" to be when really you are not; you are addressing core emotional issues within yourself under the best intentions to help yourself and this situation with such other benefits naturally following.


At any rate, come or go with this, no matter. Your life will continue and you'll not only have more understanding about situations like this in the future, you'll have more confidence because of such experience.


Then from there, I say do what you think is best and go for it. I think in your case the experience you will gain from this situation, by trying different things and seeing what happens will be greatly beneficial to you in future relationships whether they be with this woman or with one of the many, many others you will meet in your life.

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