My girlfriend was unloved as a child by mother and stepfather

[saxonpirate]

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for seven years.During that time we've been on a rollercoaster of good times and to be honest times where i've just wanted to run away and hide.I am fifty five and she is forty eight so we've both plenty of experience of life.We both have older children from different partners,hers still live with her and mine have left home.We had both been separated for about three years before we met and got together.She asked me to move in with her after about four months of knowing each other and at first all was fine until one evening in the winter an outburst came from nowhere that literally knocked me back against the wall, the vitriol, things said were so spiteful, i was cut cut wide open.This was continued for about four days by looks and silence and then bingo, woke up on the saturday morning and all was fine.These outbursts in varying degrees have continued over the years to be followed by periods of the best relationship anyone could wish for.We have fantastic sex together during this period of time and then the warning signs start to rear there head again.Little things like, turning her head away when i go to kiss her goodbye in the morning.The rejection felt was awful and i would dread going home at night. I must admit i feel abused but my love for her has kept me in the relationship i've tried talking to her about it but she just stonewalls or changes the subject.I'm an understanding and sensitive man and would really like to know whats going on.She's told me on numerous occasions that she wasn't loved as a child by her mother,her father left her mother when she was a baby and he was replaced by a dictatorial stepfather who again gave no love.Her mother lives about thirty miles away but there is no contact whatsoever.She left home at seventeen and went from relationship to relationship,becoming a heroin addict in her late teens and early twentys.She's been clean for twenty years.She told me she more or less drifted into the relationship with the father of her children and only stayed with him because of the them.She's a wonderful mother to her children almost to the point of going over the top.We are at present living apart and i have been seeing her at weekends but am constantly on edge waiting for the look or something to be said.I know she desperately wanted us to live together as a family but i've found myself drawing further and further away.It doesn't help, it being her house, because i feel it gives her even more power when these outbursts arrive.Over the seven years i've started to blame myself for everything and have found myself saying sorry when i know i've done nothing wrong.I do love her and want to be with her but not at any cost,that cost being my sanity and wellbeing.Obviously i can't cover all that's happened in this period of time but every time i try to rationalize the situation i can't help but think her behaviour is something to do with the emotional abuse she suffered as a child.Can someone out there please help me try and figure this out because i feel i'm at the end of my tether,thankyou in anticipation...

[NyGentleman]

Thats a tough situation to handle, was in a similar one as well not to long ago, and without getting to detailed she didn't have much family life to grow up with at all, so it effected us so badly towards the end ...(she walked away from the best relationship where everything was stable and positive to go back to her past with a somewhat abusive, somewhat negative ex bf) ....i too had some red flags pop up but she masked them pretty well, but i read her like a book at times and knew something wasnt right ... its best sometimes for yourself to move on and find yourself though something like that, thats what im doing because the true colors come out in that person and guess what i havent talked to her in over 3 weeks ...

[agent1607307371]

I must admit i feel abused

 

That's because you are being. Everything you have said, from the quick moving in together to the stone-walling and the great times countering the bad times are classic signs of an abusive relationship.

 

You feel guilty and repsonsible for her, but you aren't. She had a bad childhood but she is no longer a child and is responsible for her actions.

You can ask her to get some help for it, but she has to want to change her reactions, she has to recognise she has a problem.

 

Leave her. Get out now while you still have the self-esteem left to do so.

[caro33]

Lots of us did not experience what we believed was love as children. You learn to manage your issues and you get over it. She is far too old to be using that as some excuse for poor behaviour to you. She is obviously troubled but she has some responsibility to manage this for herself, her children and for you.

 

From what you say her treatment of you is not right. I would try and get past this relationship with her if you can. If you feel that you cannot, and you want to give it another try you guys need to break the cycle. She needs to get some help and be committed about that. Have you talked about her getting some help to sort her issues out?

[saxonpirate]

I agree the cycle needs to be broken but the question is how.She thinks all sorts of therapy for whatever reason is twaddle.This lady is a highly intelligent woman PHD with a profession that's why i can't get my head around the behaviour because i'm a practical pragmatic man who thinks there is a rational explanation for everything when it appears there isn't.One minute i'm the most wonderful man she's ever met and a month or so later i'm uncaring and incapable of showing love.That's why i've started thinking this is to do with her expectations of what love is supposed to be like and if i fall short in any way it makes her feel unloved.I'm also feeling that there are deeper issues here and although she's a self sufficient individual in her own right when it comes to a relationship with a man she just seems to go on self destruct saying things like you'll hate me in the end,everyone always does.

[caro33]

Hmm, yeah. On some level I can relate to what she's feeling. But it's not acceptable to let her actions just reflect her feelings- to blurt this rubbish out at you and punish you - she needs to be able to manage them. That's all there is.

 

I know it sounds simplistic, but maybe there is a simple response here.

 

(1) You are not enjoying the way she treats you. The good times are great but the bad times are intolerable.

(2) You require a concerted effort from her to deal with, and manage, her issues and insecurities.

(3) You will support her in how she achieves this, but you will not continue to accept the status quo. The relationship is extremely important to you and right now she is pushing you away.

(4) You will not accept her saying she knew this would happen or you will leave her anyway, that is a copout. She has this entirely in her control right now. She can make this better.

(5) She needs to come up with some options to deal with this issue. Counselling is not twaddle, there is some real support that can be provided here. If she will not see someone about her issues, or otherwise actively demonstrate change, then it shows you that she is not committed to making this work, and it hurts you deeply.

 

I would say something along the lines of the above. If she will not deal with her problem you have your sign that she does not want to change things, not really. You then need to understand that it's your choice to stay and tolerate the situation, or leave to be happy elsewhere.

 

Easy to decsribe, but not easy to implement, I know. But I can't really see another option for you.

[saxonpirate]

I think the most difficult thing i'm up against here is the complete denial of her behaviour.When i confront her about it it's almost dismissed out of hand or it didn't happen,complete denial.To the point that if i quote her exact words she will look me straight in the eye and say that she didn't say it.How can anybody deal with that.I'm left angry and confused and not knowing what to do or say.Then what happens is everything is cleverly turned around on me,something is brought up that i was supposed to have done years ago. I am told to get out,leave,which i do because i do not want to loose my temper and do something i might regret.Sometimes i think that because she knows i'm not a violent man it almost encourages her to treat me like she does.She has been hit by men in previous relationships. As i said earlier she is a very intelligent,assertive woman with a quick brain and thinks fast on her feet which i do not.But as i know well just because you deliver quick decisive invective doesn't mean you are right it just means you are quicker to articulate your thoughts than someone else.This is all so confusing because she can be a completely different person,caring,loving, passionate and lovely to be with.As i stated in an earlier post she has done a wonderful job of bringing up her children,no effort is spared.They love her to bits.That's why i've come to the conclusion that the reasons for her behaviour lurk somewhere in the past or maybe it's me that triggers the outbursts for whatever reason.

I do know that i can't take much more of it,it's draining me both physically and mentaly,somethings got to give.

[caro33]

This sounds rough, but it also sounds calculating on her part.

 

Let me tell you a story...My husband is a bit of a conflict avoider and when there's conflict he tends to shut down and he doesn't remember later the detail of fights or even that there was one. I think it's because he just gets upset and he withdraws. Now he used to date a woman who was aggressive and manipulative and they fought regularly over a live-in relationship of two years. He finally had enough and ended it. After they broke up she admitted to him that sometimes when she used to get upset with him about things he had done or said in the past she actually made them up to get the heat off her own behaviour. She knew he'd doubt himself because he wouldn't remember, and she always got away with it. I think that's appalling.

 

Is there a chance your women could be doing this also?

 

Even if she isn't, it's obvious she has issues. It's even MORE obvious she has issues if she blanks out slabs of her own behaviour. It's just not good enough. I would view her denial not as a barrier you have to overcome but a major red flag in itself. No explanation of it puts her in a good light, sorry.

 

If you are going to stick with this my only advice is to front up to her bullying with facts of your own. Diarise it. I have found with bullies in my past that they will debate what you say until the cows come home, but their gall does not tend to extend to when you can flourish dates and times and actual quotes in their face. Now this would seem the only way to fight her selective memory and even then it won't necessarily help you in the way you need help (that is, to make her see the error of her ways and change for the better).

 

In my view a relationship should be built on mutual respect and compassion, as well as love and compatibility. You don't get to choose to respect the other person just every now and again when it suits you either, it's a 100% commitment. So don't focus on just the good times to keep you there - her bullying and her denial speaks volumes about her real commitment and her respect for your feelings. From what you see, is that good enough?