Revenge- Living Well- How to Guide

[kate111]

Is living well truly the best revenge?

 

Yes yes I know. Revenge is immature etc. But why must we always act mature? Isn't revenge also about regaining your power? Doesn't that help to move on as part of being dumped is the blow to the ego and pride?

 

Also living well is good for the dumpee as well as it involves moving on and reclaiming their life. At least then if the ex doesn't come back they have a life to go back to.

 

How do you live well?

 

Would you say you:

 

*Go out wth someone more attractive;

*Get more friends;

*Indulge in hobbies;

*Totally change your appearance;

*Act happy when you see them.

 

Has anyone managed to pull this off?

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

When you talk about living well is the best revenge, I felt that you motivated to live well is because of your ex, but not because of you yourself. It was like you still cling on your past and not to let it go.

 

Anyway, for me, after 6 months, I felt like myself again after I did a sort of revengeful letter to my ex and I am glad I did it. I wrote a letter making a list of things to prove that he did not love me and what I expected from a relationship. This was the things that I never voiced up during the previous relationship. I felt like I reclaim myself after so long.

 

To me, living well should be my focus regardless of having or not having a relationship. I am not going to compete/compare with the ex on level of successfulness because we have different goals. Comparing with others are like you don't know what you really want for yourself. Focusing on getting what other people chasing will sooner or later make you lose yourself.

[brando]

Believing living well is any form of revenge is only a sign of a person not living so well. As long as the idea of revenge is attached to one wantng to live well in order to get back at a previous partner, then that person has not yet accepted the dissolvement of that relationship.

 

Live well for yourself. Date a more attractive person for your self if you choose to. Not because you believe if your ex will see you they will feel bad, or think twice if they made the right decision. I see two many times on this site about finding someone better,more attractive etc... because they felt they were wronged. It isn't about this.

 

It is about choices. It is about having to accept a choice handed to you that you had no say in. Like an X breaking off a realtionship. The didn't do it to intentionally hurt you. They did it because it was in their best interest to end it.

 

Live life for yourself. Be happy with who you are. Don't think that it will in anyway impact an X. It doesn't. If they are happy without you, then you need to learn to be happy without them.

 

The idea that an X is witnessing you living well and it is hurting them terribly is an indication that you are not living well. You are still stuck in the past, stuck on that relationship. It is just ridiculous.

 

Yes find some new hobbies, some new friends. Live the life you want to live,, not due to being hurt and you want to get back at them, but because it is what you truly want for yourself. You need no other reason.

[MissIndigo]

This idea has perplexed me ever since my first sentient thought about it. I'm not really sure how living well can be considered revenge, since one is very positive and constructive while the other is very negative and destructive, and as much as I dislike some of the ex's I have I don't think I'd wish "revenge" on them, per se. (Okay, I admit there is one and it's not my most recent ...But oh yeah, in the heat of an angry moment it would seem good, but in the overall scheme of things...nah.)

 

But in the context of recovering from a relationship, I like to think of "living well" as making constructive decisions for myself, such as leaving an unhealthy work environment, which I plan to do this summer, initiating no contact with my most recent guy, and pursuing something I like to do in the time I would have spent talking with him on the phone or over IM (we were LD for the last part of our relationship). For example, I will be taking an art class on the weekends during the exact time we would have spoken with one another. Something fun that will get me out of the house at that given time can only help, and it brings a sense of peace knowing that I can fill my time with a nice activity and other nice people.

 

One thing I knew when I came out of my last relationship before this one (I did the ending), I knew I was truly living well when I could open myself up to the thought of loving again, the dream of someone else, in addition to really appreciating the love around me. It may occur sooner, it may occur later, but that was a benchmark moment for me in terms of my "living well".

[kate111]

I think that living well for yourself is easier said than done. Most people are not going to be able to jump straight from being dumped to not caring about the other person, are they?

 

So isn't it better that people "fake it before they make it" by living well as a fake projection that they are doing well, and then hopefully this will really turn into the person living well.

 

I know I've done it. I've put my best face forward even though it hurts so the ex doesn't have the benefit of seeing me in pain and getting a sick pleasure out of it. Isn't that revenge? Still, what else are you supposed to do if you are still in a state of fixation and contact (through friends or in person) with the ex is unavoidable?

[GoSox07]

In my opinion, if it's easier to use your ex as a motivating factor for self-improvement, then do it. The first couple of weeks (or months, in some cases) after a breakup can be so traumatic that you should utilize ANY attempt to get yourself out and feeling better, even if it's for the wrong reasons.

 

Eventually, the wrong reasons will turn into the right reasons. You'll snap out of your misery and realize "Hey, I look pretty good now", or "Weird, I now know how to play the piano and can speak Mandarin!" One day, when you're struggling with that last mile on a treadmill at the gym, you won't be thinking that your ex will be impressed when she sees you, but rather whether or not you should go talk to the girl whose always meeting your gaze at the gym.

 

I started working out, eating better, reading more, etc etc in the hopes that my ex would notice and she would come back to me. Well, this didn't work, but after 2 months I stopped caring about what my ex would think and started doing it for myself. I would not take her back now, probably not ever. If I hadn't started doing all of these things driven by my desire to reconcile with my ex, I don't think I would have the confidence to say that. Thoughts of her just got the ball rolling.

 

So, tell yourself WHATEVER you think you need to hear to get yourself out there and making improvements. Good luck!

[kate111]

Yes this is what I am hoping will happen. In the worst case scenario.

 

So what ARE some more things we can do as revenge/ motivating activities?

[kate111]

I thought of a new one:

 

* Travel.

 

If the ex hears that you are doing something exciting like going to Mexico, Russia or whatever then that would indicate to them that you are using the opportunity of the break up for personal growth.

 

Plus when yoou get back they may get curious to hear all your exciting tales.

[HDD]

i tried that... went to tropical paradise for a week. i think the ex started seeing someone while i was there bc he though i was moving on or something. or he could be getting back at me. i think its lame if thats his reasoning for the new fling.

[Orlander]

Living well means living without any notion, thought or emotion for your ex.

 

Living well means, living, loving and having the life you wanted with your ex, but with someone else, someone better.

 

Go on...tell me its impossible and I'll explain how it happened to me twice already...third time, I am hoping, is the charm.

 

Orlander

[kate111]

Living well means living without any notion, thought or emotion for your ex.

 

Living well means, living, loving and having the life you wanted with your ex, but with someone else, someone better.

 

Go on...tell me its impossible and I'll explain how it happened to me twice already...third time, I am hoping, is the charm.

 

Orlander

 

 

How did it happen to you twice?

 

Having trouble here with the not thinking of the ex thing. Trying my best.

[browneyedgirl36]

This is a tough one -- I agree with Orlander that "living well" basically means letting go of the ex and not doing anything with him/her in mind. That said, I DO think that a break-up CAN motivate a person to change his or her life for the better. Case in point:

 

Almost three years ago, I got dumped after a fairly short relationship. At the time I was devastated -- I was at a bad point in my life, and the end of this relationship, though it was a brief one, was really hard. I was 90% certain I wasn't going to get him back (and looking back, I'm infinitely grateful that I didn't!). Prior to dating him, I had started to work on getting in better shape, eating better, etc. but when he and I began dating, his unhealthy habits (i.e. eating too much, drinking at least some alcohol a few times a week) started to rub off on me, and it sabotaged (temporarily) my new-found good habits. Once he broke up with me, I started spending a lot of time exercising to fill the time and try to take my mind off of him. Though it still hurt, and I still thought about him, the exercise was a great mood-lifter -- I exercised 6 days a week for that whole summer -- some days gym, some days biking around the park -- some days both! And, I started eating better, not a diet, but cutting out a lot of bread products, sugars, etc.

 

Slowly but surely, I lost about 25 pounds and almost 3 clothing sizes! Three years later, I've kept it up, kept the weight off, and look better than I did when I was 10 years younger. The best thing is that I didn't do it *because of* him; for all I knew, I was never going to see him again (and, in fact, I haven't, which is fine with me!) It started out as a way to take my mind off of him, and then it became ALL ABOUT ME. About six months after he broke up with me, I found out he had someone else (he actually e-mailed me and told me so.) I was upset for one day, after which I wrote him an e-mail declining his request to meet for coffee so that we could be "friends," and I haven't heard from him since. YAY! I don't care to run into him, but if I did, I'd feel confident knowing that I look better, feel better, and have a better life than I did when I was dating him.

 

So...the whole "living well is the best revenge" quote, for me, should really read "living well is the best thing you can do for YOURSELF."

[Orlander]

How did it happen to you twice?

I went through thinking I would never find anyone, that I was stupid and didnt appreciate what I had, that I was unloveable, that I'd never have love in my life again, that I'd have to settle, that I wouldnt be able to figure out what I was doing wrong...etc, etc, etc.

 

Both times I was wrong and only when I saw the potential for love again did I move on and found a better relationship.

 

Both times I had fallen in love with the idea of falling in love again. Both times I had envisioned myself finding someone better, more loving, and just overall better for me.

 

Both times I was right.

 

Just recenly have I been able to see myself loving someone new, holding hands and loving someone new and marrying someone new. I feel I am almost there. You just have to believe it too.

 

 

Orlander

[kate111]

I went through thinking I would never find anyone, that I was stupid and didnt appreciate what I had, that I was unloveable, that I'd never have love in my life again, that I'd have to settle, that I wouldnt be able to figure out what I was doing wrong...etc, etc, etc.

 

Both times I was wrong and only when I saw the potential for love again did I move on and found a better relationship.

 

Both times I had fallen in love with the idea of falling in love again. Both times I had envisioned myself finding someone better, more loving, and just overall better for me.

 

Both times I was right.

 

Just recenly have I been able to see myself loving someone new, holding hands and loving someone new and marrying someone new. I feel I am almost there. You just have to believe it too.

 

 

Orlander

 

 

Did you dump them or did they dump you?

 

I really hope you are right.

[ruby19]

I'm living well on the outside - been good with the working out, diet, throwing myself into work. Bought a home and am getting all that sorted out. Very "go me."

 

Inside I feel like I'm just going through the motions and while not feeling things are bad and pointless anymore, I'm not getting any joy out of anything yet, though I want to.

 

I am slightly past my original incentive of doing all this in the spirit of revenge. I channelled my feelings of sadness and lonlieness into activity after from spending every night for a few months on the couch crying feeling sick. I know revenge and anger aren't healthy but it was a good kick start to the mindset: "I'm going to look good and be promoted at work and be in my great new place and that is going to blow his mind when he comes strolling back to work in the summer."

 

So now I'm less mad, but I'm really pretty blah about the whole thing. I'm down a clothing size and don't even care, I was just bitter today I had to go shopping to buy new pants whereas the normal me would have been dancing around the change room in glee.

 

It seems to be transitional, it went from living well for revenge, to the current state of living well because it seems like a logical thing to do, healthier than how I was living before but it's not for anyone in particular. I'm hoping to move to the point where I'm doing it for me, and happy and proud of myself.

 

It does work I think Kate, it just takes time to move through all the stages, some of us longer than others. As long as you are progressing, it may be baby steps, big leaps and might have some set backs, but we can all do it