Becoming friends and moving on

[psipro]

Alright. This could go in either this forum or the "Getting back together" forum... you tell me.

 

I and my ex broke up 8 months ago, it certianly wasn't a bad breakup she told me she needed time to herself, to grow etc. At the time we had been dating for nearly two and a half years. She just walked out the door. 4-5 months later she contacted me to talk and catch up. It went well, we talked a bit laughed a bit, and then I told her I had to go.

 

While we were dating she always asked me to promise, that if we broke up we would still be friends as she wouldn't want to lose me as a friend. I always told her that was somthing I could not promise, becasue I knew it would be hard. And it was.

 

I did a few stages of withdrawl; sadness, anger, and the like. Earlier this week I contacted her and told her that I would liked to do somthing with her and tonight we just got back from an orchestra preformance.

 

I still like her, and miss her very much. However I can't really say that I want her back, before that could happen we would need to talk, as our time apart has not only made the heart grow fonder, but allowed me to more clearly see where our problems lay.

 

I know your proably going to tell me I just need to talk to her and tell her how I feel... but I would still like to ask for advice.

[willow2900]

What is she saying about your situation? Is she giving you any indication that she has taken the time that she needed when she broke up with you? If none of those problems or concerns have been addressed then it is certain failure.

 

I would be cautious about seeing her casually as friends if your feelings are still so strong. It seems like it might be too hard for you. That it might set you back in your healing.

[friscodj]

Hey psipro-

 

I have some thoughts here:

 

1) She did not just walk out the door as you think. Her detachment had likely been going on for a while in the background without you knowing about it. She even prefaced this with her desire for an emotional "security blanket" in eliciting a promise from you that you guys would always be friends.

 

Perhaps she never "said" anything to this effect in words or actions. Perhaps they weren't communicated in a way you understood. Perhaps she was waiting for things to change? Perhaps she simply outgrew the relationship and it had reached its expiration date? You are 20 years old and dated her for 2.5 years. A lot of changes happen during those years, a lot.

 

2) With that said, you are 20 years old. You will meet a lot more women and have a lot more great time and connections with them. I've thought otherwise at 20 before and was proven wrong at least 2 dozen times over! There is more out there for you, a lot more, and getting re-attached to a situation and a woman who already "walked out the door" on you once is restricting you I think from pursuing such other avenues. Just keep that in mind on your journey here...

 

3) Time will tell whether this should be posted in the "Getting Back Together" forum or not. I think you should continue on your path of discovery here and let the situation provide you the answer you seek. The situation will naturally lead you towards a path here and the truth will eventually come out whether or not this is a fruitful endeavor to pursue. There will come some time, some moment of truth, when the lightbulb will light up and illuminate the truth of the situation between you two.

 

The topic of "what is going on here?" might come up or the anticipation for such a conversation will build and she might pick up on that. There is a ways to go here I think and it sounds like you guys have only seen each other once since you broke up at the performance. Give it some more time, let the critical non-verbal communication happen and don't get too attached to an idea here of reconciliation with her.

[Scout]

I wish I could tell you that it's easy to be platonic friends with an ex when you still have romantic feelings for them. In my experience, that's never worked out. In fact, I've only had one ex that I have been able to actually become good friends with again, and that didn't happen until all my feelings for him were definitely gone. Which took over two years.