married girl problems

[callmaury]

well, I'll kick it off by saying I just broke up with my girlfriend of about 1 1/2 years. it wasn't because of anything bad... we're just about to go our separate ways in life (im military, shes going to college soon) and we realize we're too young to jump into marriage. we're still good friends, as we have been well before the relationship proper even started.

 

enter a friend i met about a month ago. shes married, though her husband is in venezuela and theyre having problems (not necessarily related to the whole long-distance thing). we got along quite well, and as you probably have guessed, we've developed a romantic interest in each other since then. a slight one, but still... i feel wrong about it. im not particularly religious nor do i believe in the institution of marriage as the all-binding declaration of love, but i still respect their bond. im not madly in love with her or anything... in fact, i feel more guilty than i do enamoured.

 

i really dont know what to do about it. we did talk about it seriously, which i assume was a step towards the right direction. we couldnt really reach any sort of answer, though. i realize that it is probably even harder on her so im not expecting her to suddenly know what to do.

 

i am starting to think that the main component of my attraction is that im having some sort of "withdrawal symptom" of breaking up with my gf. we went to the beach last night and lounged in each other's arms... i felt a bit 'whole' again, but on the other hand, the thought of me being the cause of her infidelity flashed through my head and i really didnt feel whole after that.

 

im not going to say whats going on is right, because fundamentally, its not. i also feel guilty about hooking up with someone practically right after i broke up with someone who is more or less my best friend. i cant say its entirely wrong though... apparently, her marriage was falling apart beforehand and we honestly like each other. all in all, i feel like im disrespecting both my ex and this new interest's husband. but at the same time, i dont want to ignore my own feelings.

[Batya33]

Don't ignore your own feelings - and remember that you won't be able to ignore them either when her husband returns and finds out, or if you end up with her and she cheats on you just the same as she is cheating on her husband. Will you not want to ignore those feelings, too? Or is it just that you don't want to ignore the positive feelings because your focus is on getting pleasure to the exclusion of what is ethical and right?

 

Oh, and don't forget how you won't be able to ignore how you feel should you pursue a single woman who has ethics and finds out you were fooling around with a married woman.

[Locke2121]

You sound like a nice, honest fella who has got in over your head. I think you need to step back from this...friendship. Not far, just enough so you can get your bearings.

 

You talk about the bad marriage...why is she still in it? That is the important thing! Even though her marriage is screwed up, she hasn't given up on her husband. If she was getting a divorce, I'd give a thumbs up and wish the two of you well. But she isn't and I won't.

 

I think you should back off and ask her exactly what you two can expect from this. If she intends to stay with her husband, you need to back WAY off. I can understand why your liking the attention, its hard to be alone. But with the way things are now, your just headed into a world of hurt.

[Batya33]

I think that once her divorce is final for at least a year, you can date her. And, by then, you'll be well over your girlfriend. If you're not smitten with her, then don't bother even considering it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think that you need to be really careful here... there are lots of married people who cheat and make all kinds of promises to their lovers, but once the spouse is back in the picture, the lover gets dumped.

 

she is 'test driving' you while still committed to another man. will you ever be able to trust her? also, her marriage may be fine, and she could be lying about its state to get you to agree to an affair while he is out of town.

 

this isn't a big love story, it is really just another unfaithful wife story... please recognize that her husband deserves better, and YOU deserve better, and will most likely never trust her, not a good foundation for a relationship.