Is it ok I try my best to be layed back about him checking out other girls?

[muimui]

Hi there. I've read a few topics about how girls are hurt when they notice their guy checks out other girls. Well, I am somewhat in the same boat, but not exactly.

 

If there is an attractive girl - my guy will look. He told me so himself, but that he doesn't look at them sexually, and I do appreciate the honesty.

 

I know first hand that I love looking at beautiful people, both females and males, though never in a sexual way. It doesn't bother me that he looks at attractive girls but it does bother me that he will whenever I'm with him.

 

I brought this up to him, about how I find it disrespectful but I do understand since he is a man. I didn't mention that when he has done it, I do get a feeling of insecurity.

He replied with, 'Ok then, slap me or something, tell me I'm disrespecting you. I agree that it is disrespectful.'

 

But I retorted, telling him that No, I wouldn't slap him or draw his attention away. I will just pretend that he's looking at a guy's jacket that he thinks is nice, or his pants, or his shirt, whatever, because I know he will keep doing it over and over again. He laughed, agreed, and we moved on to another subject.

 

At the time it seemed like the right choice to make but now I am rethinking my decision. I do think it's disrespectful that he does this, but if he's going to look, he's going to look. Though I'm having second thoughts on him agreeing it's disrespectful. If he does think it's disrespectful, shouldn't HE be stopping himself?

 

He is just a man after all. I feel like telling him that he shouldn't be looking is not the right thing, but I have been wrong before with my feelings.

 

Any advice or experiences is appreciated. For some reason it's hard for me to figure this one out on my own...

[musicguy]

I don't think that there is nothing wrong with looking at the opposite sex, flirting with them when he and you are together, that's different.

[Batya33]

First of all what's with the "he's just a man?" He's an adult who can choose how to react to his feelings - if he sees an attractive woman he can choose whether to stare or not, etc. If you feel it is disrespectful to you if he stares while he is with you, he should make the choice to treat you with respect. Hey, if it works for you to rationalize that he his not checking out a woman while he is with you, fine. Rationalizations like that wouldn't work for me.

 

As far as whether it is "sexual" - here's the thing. I notice attractive women and I am straight. But if I notice a good looking man I won't stare because even if it is not sexual it might appear that way to my boyfriend, and it might appear that way to others we are with who see me doing that. And, yes, appearances count. Also the woman who is being stared at might react or wonder why you are tolerating that behavior. Fine, we are not supposed to care what others think but who are we kidding.

 

I should add that I don't check out men in an obvious way, ever, so the above was meant as a hypothetical. My boyfriend doesn't check out women in part because he respects me and in part because that's not his thing.

[DN]

I agree with Batya - it is natural to notice attractive people. But it is simple good manners not to stare - for two reasons. First so as not to affect your partner and second so as not to embarrass the attractive person who may not appreciate being stared at.

 

The trick is to know the difference between staring and noticing.

[cantexplain]

I agree with Batya about the because he is "just a man" thing. If he was a man he would not only be respectful of you, but focused on you, too.

 

I'm tired of men being expected to behave poorly because they are just men.

 

So thanks - now those that do behave poorly have an excuse - they are just men! That leaves the rest of us who behave more properly - not men?

 

One time a woman tried to pick me up, after a long talk in a pub, for a casual hook-up and added - "you do have a guy's brain in there afterall". That really shocked me. I mean she was the one doing the picking-up!! A phone number or a "I really like you let's get together again" would have worked great on me. I wasn't interested in her for just a night and am not interested in this kind of sexual relationship with anyone. [-( I should have added my brain is connected to all my body parts, all of which my brain is in full control.

 

I am all me from head-to-toe, including my eyes.

 

Sure, who doesn't feel/notice attraction? But out of control it messes up better things. These excuses for overt behavior arising from normal attraction - e.g. "a guy's brain in there" - "just a man" - don't erase the consequences - like the OP's concerns, one's social reputation, etc.

 

I don't know, maybe I have a woman's brain in here ... hmmm.

[annie24]

wow - well said cantexplain! just because he is "a man" is NOT an excuse why he must stare at other women. He is an adult and can control his actions. He is not a hungry dog staring at a steak. So, don't chalk things up to him being "a man" and look the other way. He is being disrespectful. Why do you want to be with someone who can't just give you his attention for 2 hours on a date? If he wants to look at other women, he can do so when he isn't around you, or when he is watching TV, but to stare at women with while he is with you is unacceptable. I've walked down the street and had someone's boyfriend check me out, and I always felt bad for the woman that was holding his hand. I would want to say to her, "what are you doing with this guy?

[Batya33]

Yes, and think of it this way - if this is a guy you are considering getting serious with, would you feel fine telling your young daughter or son someday "oh, daddy is staring at other women because he can't help it, he's just a man and mommy just pretends that he is looking at the street signs."

[Scout]

He is just a man after all.

 

I question this statement, too. Men have no less self-control than women do. I would view your boyfriend's actions as an individual's, not representative of an entire gender's.

 

And while I don't think it's normal to notice an attractive person, I feel a person who is truly considerate of their partner's feelings is able to do so on only an occasional basis, and unnoticeably, at that.

 

However, my viewpoint doesn't necessarily solve your problem. I would just be honest with your feelings about this. Explain to your boyfriend how it makes you feel, yet at the same time, in a way that doesn't sound accusatory. Sometimes, difficult subjects can actually be turned into a positive direction. And honest, respectful communication really is the foundation for a trustworthy relationship.

[Scout]

I'm tired of men being expected to behave poorly because they are just men.

 

So thanks - now those that do behave poorly have an excuse - they are just men! That leaves the rest of us who behave more properly - not men?

 

Thank you for pointing this out. Stereotypes about one particular gender end up harming both genders, in my opinion. In this case, a lot of men would get painted with a negative brush, and women believing the stereotype would be distrustful of an entire gender.

[musicguy]

Women are just as guilty of looking at men as men are looking at women

[Batya33]

Yes, that is true but there are people who look and then there are people who stare/make comments in front of their spouse/SO - that is two very different things. I don't think there's anything to be guilty about when it comes to noticing attractive people - even happily married people aren't blind. It's the reaction past noticing that can be problematic.

[musicguy]

well yeah making comments about another person out loud in front of your SO is a no-no