Wicked Miss Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Hi I've never done this kind of thing but I've kind of been dealing with some really odd issues. Its a little tricky but I was wondering if anyone had any kind of advice for someone in this ridiculous of a predicament. I never knew I had abandonment issues. Recently I got an e-mail from an abusive/possesive ex boyfriend and for some reason something just snapped inside my head. I've been through some rough relationships and I finally found someone who I want to spend my life with. When this e-mail hit me for some reason I freaked out and was afraid I was going to leave my boyfriend or he was going to leave me and I'd to run back to this creep who has been stalking me for 5 around 6 years. This fear has been something that has threatened my thoughts a few times before, but I've always overcome it. At first I thought, maybe I fell out of love with my boyfriend but that really made very little sense because everytime we were together I'd get that lovey dovey feeling back and regain my senses. I still get those thoughts where I think I'll run back to the abusive ex which are constant and I don't really understand them . Its a really screwy situation and I don't get it. I was wondering if someone could make heads or tails of this. Thank You, Wicked Miss Link to comment
Wotgorilla Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 The fact that you're talking about it here shows you know the right thing to do. Hang in there, if you've found someone who is good and true to you, hang onto that. It's natural to feel funny when you get an e-mail from someone as horrible as an abusive ex. It doesn't mean you're going to run back to him. It just means it's a reminder of all you've been through. I say block the ex from e-mailing and continue to enjoy your love, you deserve it! Dan in a melting NY. Link to comment
Wicked Miss Posted March 17, 2007 Author Share Posted March 17, 2007 Thank you, Its been a really rough ordeal... I'm not too sure why I've been thinking this way. It just seriously popped up out of the blue. I was totally fine one minute and then the next it was devastating. My sister has been through the same thing and she said they are called triggers. I've been trying to manage them but sometimes they get out of hand. My boyfriend though has been great through it all, he's been with me through it and helps me when the triggers hit. When I start to think of caving in, its really him that pulls me through it. Part of me thinks the reason I think I'd run back the abusive ex is because its happened before. And when the stalking had started in other relationships I naturally reacted in the same way, feeling as though I had no choice in the matter. The difference now is, I don't want that to happen. Wicked Miss Link to comment
mintblossom Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Well, let me explain. After having been with an abusive relationship, there is always the question: How did I let myself get into that?? How did I let myself stay? That brings up fear. Fear that you will not be able to help yourself, fear that you will not be able to save yourself. Fear that somehow you might lose your mind again and try to run to him. Hell, I have those fears even though I am ADAMANT that I would rather gouge out my own eyeballs than go anywhere near him. These fears your experience are normal, I think you are concerned about your ability to protect yourself and keep yourself safe and to resist. These fears are natural after having been in a helpless, powerless, hopeless situation. Does this make sense to you? Link to comment
Wicked Miss Posted March 18, 2007 Author Share Posted March 18, 2007 Yeah I understand, I'd like just to be able to stop feeling helpless. Its interesting though, because those were the thoughts that were flying through my head when it happened were "you must have stayed with him for some reason". He would talk down to me all the time telling me I was worthless, ugly and no one wanted me. When I broke up with him and I was in a new relationship, most of the time I would go back to him because I felt like he was right. The weird thing is I know thats not true, I know that I am loved. I just can't shake the feeling that its not in my control when I know very well it is. Its totally understandable though, and I can see now why I would think that way. Thank You, Wicked Miss Link to comment
mintblossom Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 You're welcome. It takes time to learn that we can be strong, in control, able to take care of ourselves, and that we are not helpless or powerless. I think it takes time for our feelings to catch up with our thoughts because our feelings react much more automatically. Just know that your concerns are normal. Link to comment
Wicked Miss Posted March 18, 2007 Author Share Posted March 18, 2007 Yeah, I realized when these thoughts occurred it felt like I was feeling the maximum amount of emotion my body could handle and there was no way to stop it. Sometimes they shut down by themselves and I can't feel anything but I've been working on regaining some kind of center so that way I can control those emotional outbursts better. Thank You, Wicked Miss Link to comment
fredthebread Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 Sounds to me like deep down inside you have some issues with yourself and you at some level feel you deserve to be punished. This may be tied to some unconscious guilt or some childhood conditioning you are carrying around. If I were you I would try something like hypnotherapy to see what is really going on in your unconscious. See what memories or experiences you are repressing, that are triggering this irrational behaviour. Best of luck Link to comment
Wicked Miss Posted March 19, 2007 Author Share Posted March 19, 2007 I've actually gotten into that with a therapist who said that I developed abandonment issues as a child as a result of three different things. One was being left in a hospital for an extended period of time, the other was being deserted by my mother and from the death of a very close friend. She said that what happens is the child retreats back into their own head and becomes reclusive. So she said if I sensed any kind of threat I would naturally pull back into my own head, and try to do things by myself because that is how I would have tried to deal with those things when I was a child. I don't know if that makes any kind of sense or if that is kind of what you are talking about. Wicked Miss Link to comment
fredthebread Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 I've actually gotten into that with a therapist who said that I developed abandonment issues as a child as a result of three different things. One was being left in a hospital for an extended period of time, the other was being deserted by my mother and from the death of a very close friend. She said that what happens is the child retreats back into their own head and becomes reclusive. So she said if I sensed any kind of threat I would naturally pull back into my own head, and try to do things by myself because that is how I would have tried to deal with those things when I was a child. I don't know if that makes any kind of sense or if that is kind of what you are talking about. Wicked Miss Abandonment issues, in my understanding, would either make you afraid to get into a relationship in the first place or cause you to be very possessive in your current relationship. It does not explain why you want to go back to an abusive exboyfriend, but I am no shrink! Some ideas: Was your father or some other significant male abusive to your mother or you, when you were little? Is there something in your past, you may not be consciously aware, that you feel guilty about? Do you have very low self esteem and feel that is what you deserve? Is you going back to your ex the worst that could happen and so you are thinking about it all the time and it is going into your unconscious and coming back out as a compulsion? Again I am no therapist, I am just giving my two cents based on my life experience and knowledge, but maybe you could talk to your therapist about it and see what is driving this behaviour. Hypnotherapy is good for this unconscious stuff. Link to comment
Wicked Miss Posted March 19, 2007 Author Share Posted March 19, 2007 I'll have to look into it. I do know I did witness a lot of abuse from my older brother. I think that is the closest thing I can remember from the list of things you are talking about. Those abuses are actually kind of currently reoccurring as well. Wicked Miss Link to comment
Wicked Miss Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 I don't know if this makes any sense.Would it be possible I scared of running back to this abuser because I considered his family to be really nice? The trickiness of the situation is his mom was the pastor of our chruch and was super nice. She started throwing him at me which I really didn't appreciate and even after I expressed that I wasn't interested she continued to try and force him at me. I don't think I feel indebted to her. But could it be that I felt like she would toss me back into that situation and I wouldn't have a choice in the matter? Link to comment
blender Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 go to link removed read all you can... Link to comment
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