Will he become abusive?

[pufferfish]

He is controlling it. He is a brave, commendable person, he is honest and upfront. I think perhaps you may be overthinking this a bit... a bit out of context.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. That's what I'm so worried about- that I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. He definitely IS brave and commendable, and that's part of why I adore him so much...he has come a long way since his childhood, and has emerged from that experience a very kind and level-headed person.

 

But after reading what other people have posted in this thread, I'm worried that there's a side of him I haven't seen yet. I can't even picture him getting angry, much less in a violent way. It scares me that the easy-going guy I've gotten to know might snap in the future. If I make him seriously angry one day, is he going to feel like punching me? He said he had it "in control... somewhat," not completely.

 

Right now I am staying with him- we really have a great thing going, and I completely adore him. If the temper thing turns out to not be a problem, I could see myself marrying him one day. However, I'm also going to take note of things that seem "off." If Mr. Hyde emerges, I'm out of there. I don't want to wait until I get hurt (or, looking to the future, our children get hurt).

[EvaGina]

He might scare himself with his own temper, the "somewhat" may just be him being freaked out by what he can imagine himself doing.

 

I agree that your main priority should be your kids and that perhaps you could encourage him to see a therapist or somthing (encourage, not threaten or anything ) but after seeing the person my father had a role-model, I know that people can change the course that has been laid for them.

[Wicked Miss]

Everyone has had amazing points so far and after reading all your different views its hard to know what to say. I understand why your boyfriend would be so open to you in the beginning of the relationship. I could see it as being a mechanism for coping with what happened to him when he was younger. I agree that is it very soon to discuss that sort of thing in a relationship but its understandable that you would want someone to know about at least a few months into the relationship. You are his first real relationship and I'm assuming he wants to start off on the right foot by telling you these things. My friend is in a relationship and 2 months into his relationship his girlfriend told him she was abused as a child because it was starting to affect her through panic attacks.

I also understand the other side of things. I know what its like to be worried that you are in an abusive relationship and I agree completely with Teardrops that there are warning signs but you don't always recognize them. I was thankful that mine came very early in the relationship. For me it was little things at first like verbal abuse, it began as talking down to me.

I don't know how the abuse would affect him. It is true, it takes so many different faces from insecurity to extremely sensitivity, or in violent outbursts. My brother was an alcoholic and was extremely abusive. My nephews seem to have grown up to be extremely sensitive. The fact that he seems to be constructively trying to solve these issues is wonderful. I agree that therapy would be the best choice because it is a way for him to take control of his own life.

I know I basically just reiterated what everyone else has said. My best advice would be to get him to seek councilling but if he starts becoming verbally abusive or restrictive, I would suggest you consider leaving. It is the hardest thing to do but so many women get pulled into abusive relationships by just thinking the abuse is normal behavoir.

I hope things go well. I know I didn't have alot of advice to offer but I'm just speaking from what happened to me. Every situation is different and yet in some ways not so different.

 

Wicked Miss

[mca1975]

im sorry pufferfish, after reading more of your posts, i really dont think you should go ahead with this relationship, it sounds like there are lots of warning signs, the anger, the fact that he has enjoyed seeing other people in pain, the fact that he has opened up to you so quickly in a bid to make you feel sorry for him, they are all warning signs. dont ignore them!

[mca1975]

all the warning signs are there! dont go there! its too quick for you to know all of this stuff.

[pseudofemme]

Can you explain what you mean by things seeming "off"?

[southerngirl]

I am sorry but I have to give my 2 cents.

 

You need to run fast and far away from this guy.

 

I get in mind someone who really is trying to control the urges they feel but refuses to admit even to themselves that they need help to do so.

 

Did you know that in alot of the cases the other person doesnt become physically violent until there is a marraige AND a pregnancy?

 

I will tell you a bit of my own story. Me and my 9 year olds father dated for close to four years. He didnt hit me though until after we were married... after my son was born..... such a sad story but it happened to me.

 

In the end I feared fo rmy life and thought he would kill me. To this day I worry about him finding me and it has been 8 years since I saw him last. Dont be a statistic... GEt outa there.

[EvaGina]

I dont get it.

I was abused (not by family) and I told my bf that things had happened becuase I wanted him to understand why I freak out over some things. Not to gain pity.

 

I dont see any evidence that he is trying to manipulate the situation by letter her know about his past. He might have felt it was the right time, if he didnt tell for 6 months, everyone would be screaming "why did he hide it, hes obviously got issues".

 

Also, if the genders in this situation were switched, everyone would be calling the OP a pig.

[Scout]

Also, if the genders in this situation were switched, everyone would be calling the OP a pig.

 

Could you please clarify why?

[EvaGina]

Could you please clarify why?

 

If a girl had been beaten by her father, and had rare temper flairs (not resulting in physical violence), then everyone here would be saying "if you love her, give her a chance" "you cant make her pay for what her father did" "shes not violent, so why are you holding it against her"... yada yada...

 

GRANTED, men are more prone to physical violence than women and are often stronger, but still, I see huge double standards like this all over these boards. All over ALL boards.

[Aurian]

I have been with an abusive husband myself. He was very sweet and loving in the beginning, but told me that I needed to accept his anger. In the beginning, they were rare and far apart, and I thought I could accept it and be supportive, especially since he always apologized afterwards. They got more frequent, worse and always my "fault."

 

Even so, I was leaning towards giving your guy the benefit of the doubt as I do not think every abused person turns abusive themselves. I was abused by my husband and was bullied an extreme amount (daily bruises and emotional abuse in school) but I cannot conceive of trying to hurt someone on purpose.

 

However I do not like what he said about his anger. He sounds like he is setting the stage for "I told you so" if he ever does snap at you. He got mad at you for trying to teach you something new? What will happen when you two have a quarrel?

 

If I were you, I would say that you are very concerned about what he said and given his family history and what he is saying about his anger, that you want him to find some way of getting counselling that he can deal with and sort it out. I've had bad counsellors. It does not mean all are bad! I've had some very good ones too, who have helped me immensely.

 

If he refuses... then that's too many red flags, especially if your gut says he's feeling off. Its hard to walk away when you don't have something concrete, but when you're getting a nice collection of flags, its better to leave before you do end up getting abused and being broken down.

 

 

 

PS - I wasn't bothered by the disclosure stuff. My current boyfriend, we had a complete disclosure discussion kinda early on, just to show the other the skeletons we were insecure about and to see if the other was accepting of them before committing too much to the relationship.

 

PPS - SEE THE LOSER ARTICLE IN MY SIGGY. Any of it sound familiar? I found it very invaluable.

[Beyondthesea]

Honestly after hearing that yes he punches 'whatever is making him angry' I would walk.

 

It's just not worth the risk, it's as simple as that!

 

Everyone has great points on both sides, but when it comes down to it, always look out for #1. I wouldn't wait around to find out if he will become abusive.

 

If he won't go to counseling, has all these horrible unresolved issues from his past, and has outright said he has anger problems, it's not worth finding out who's right. That's the main point.

[fredthebread]

I have had a somewhat similar experience to your boyfriend but not as extreme. I did have an anger problem and a strong fear of turning into my father. My fears of what I might do were always far worse than anything I ever did and I certainly did not hurt any women or children. My abuse was by my father who was a bully, my rage was directed at other men like my father or anyone who made me feel like he did (i.e. tried to bully and dominate me), I would get violent at these guys, but it could be justified as sticking up for myself. A lot of my rage was also directed at myself. If anyone verbally criticized me, this just reenforced the terrible feeling I had inside and was kind of like sticking an emotional knife into me. I would react with a torrent of verbal rage, but not violence. What I did was to get rid off the horrible self hate and get my inner voice (The inner thoughts that pepper your conscious thoughts in your brain, this is often the internalized voices of your family) altered using hypnotherapy. My inner voice kept constantly throwing up thoughts about how useless and worthless I was etc. (The voice of my father). Once I got to a stage were my self esteem was more solid and less vulnerable, I did not react with the same rage, because the emotional knife had been removed. You can check out my other posts in the shyness forum by clicking on my username and view other posts. They are relevant to this too and include some of my methods for increasing self esteem. But the bottom line is you should have nothing to worry about if he gets help and deals with his issues, rather than carrying them around waiting for an explosion. This is my opinion based on me, you will have to apply it to your own situation. I would moderate my comments by saying if he has ever been violent to women as an adult, don't touch him with a barge pole. In some psychological theories depression is consider anger towards self. I know this interpretation made a lot of sense to me. I can't speak for him coz I don't know the guy, but a lot of people gave me a wide berth when I was younger, but now I am a chilled out easygoing dude with a lot of friends. I still do have some sensitivity to being bullied, but if I completely removed that, I would never stick up for myself in the macho world I live in. Best of luck!