Will he become abusive?

[Siriana]

That's a really good point. He actually started getting mad when teaching me how to play poker, too, because I wasn't understanding some things. It seemed like he was almost a different person for a minute- but then snapped back to normal. It scared me a little. ( it should scare you a lot) Maybe I'm reading too much into that, though. no, you're not

 

You see, that alone what would make me run away. That alone is a huge red flag.

If people knew nothing about him being abused, and you wrote only this EVERYONE would tell you it's a red flag and to run away from him. Everyone. You're not reading too much into it. I am affraid you are lowering your standards of expected normal behaviour because you know he's been abused.

 

And the other things you wrote sound wrong. Alos listen to teardrops she gave you wonderfull advice. She's been abused and you can trust on her when she says something is wrong!

Someone made a great list here as an answer to you, about the things that are warning signs so I woan't repeat all of it.

But he did tell you about abuse too soon (no, it's not a sign of we click, it's a sign he has huge problems) and he refuses to go to theraphy.

I am not a therapist but I am 100% shure just based on common sense that he has serious problems and that he's not completely capable to function in normal situations. And I am shure he's abusive (he admitted that to you too.)

So no more excuses.

Just the fact you decided to come on Ena to ask for help says to me you had good instincts that told you something is horribly wrong.

 

Can you even imagine having a fight with him? What would happen if you didn't stay cool during poker and driving lessons? You didn't, of course, because based on common sense you know you would be in danger if you did that.

 

 

So run away. NOW. Once you are starting to get abused (physically or emotionally) it gets harder to run away. Manipulation tactics of such persons are very good. Being abused lowers your self esteem and with each day it gets harder to get out.

So don't risk to enter that phase.

If you choose to stop seing him (and you have to, sorry don't say that to him when you two are alone in a place thats not public.

[Siriana]

What a lot of nonsense !!!

 

You should give this poor guy a chance !!! If you abandon him, then you will be no different that his father was...

 

I think you should be more carefull when giving advice as well as choosing your words carefully.

Here we have people who have been abused and who know what they're talking about.

 

She might be risking her own health here.

Everything else is irrelevant.

We are advising here what is good for her and for her safety. We are not helping him. Thats his job - to seek help. She's not skilled therapist and it's not her fault he had inadequate parents.

[Ryssia]

Hey all

 

Your situation reminds me of what I've experienced, pufferfish.

 

My ex also told me all about his past within the first 3 days of meeting him. I too thought we clicked and had this great connection. He was abused as a child and left home at 16. He got into "the wrong crowd" and was involved in violent activities. He told me that was in the past, it wasn't him anymore, and he wanted to be a better person.

 

He wanted me to be his girlfriend after a week of knowing each other. He was charming, supportive, would call just to say hi and that he was thinking of me. He cooked me dinner, we went grocery shopping together, had similar interests... but I too felt that something was "off". I began to feel like he was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear... He said all the right words and knew how to get an emotional reaction from me. He had a couple of outbursts where he "changed" and wanted to beat up a guy who angered him. He didn't go through with it in either situation. I let it go, even though he scared me, because we got along so well and he made me happy.

 

I found out that he had lied to me about his past. He told me his family was dead and he had no one. Not true. When I confronted him about this, he looked me in the eye, and lied. He denied it all. Spectacularly. He welled up with tears, said he had been deceived, and tried to turn the situation onto me for not trusting him. He threatened to hurt the person who told me the truth, or get someone else to do it for him.

 

In the end I realised that no matter how well we got on together, a relationship not based on trust and honesty is not a relationship I want to be in. I don't want to be involved with someone who scares me, who has a violent streak, and who I can't ever be sure is telling me the truth.

 

So I broke up with him, and it was so hard because he treated me well, and we had a lot of good times together. But I know it was the right thing to do. There was no point trying to work things out, because he'll try to manipulate me and suck me back in. I had to get out. It could have gotten worse, and the risk was just too much.

 

I agree with the other posters, your safety comes first.

[Beyondthesea]

What a lot of nonsense !!!

 

Long term studies have clearly shown that the MAJORITY (more than 50%) of children who are abused will not become abusers themselves...

 

If you do have that evidence, I'd love to see it. I do a lot of research myself and am curious.

 

I honestly believe that if a child who has been abused has gone to counseling a majority of their life to deal with all the frustration and anger that they have accumulated, then yes, they will not abuse. However, in severe abusive cases like the one we are talking about here, I think the incidence that he will abuse in his lifetime is quite high. Not only has he not dealt with it, but he has already been giving off signs that he has been violent or will get violent.

 

Mentioning "like once a year I can get violent" is a BIG red flag. He's trying to show her that yes, once in a while I can get violent, EXPECT THAT. Big red flag.

 

Actually when you said "or else you will be just like his father" I could hear my ex. He used that line on me all the time actually. Weird.

 

In any case, I think she should give him a chance if she wants, but any further incidents of something being off and I'd be out the door.

[itsallgrand]

What a lot of nonsense !!!

 

You should give this poor guy a chance !!! If you abandon him, then you will be no different that his father was...

 

Hi. There has been a lot of great stuff added since I last looked. I think yall are totally on key.

 

Night Pumpkin, I hope you understand that I am not trying to single you out too much 'cause you have a contrary opinion.

Regardless, I wanted to say something about what you wrote.

 

"If you abandon him, then you will be no different than his father was...." in particular.

 

That is exactly the thing. It is NOT any one's responsibly to charge his life except for this man.

 

It is not up to the OP to rectify his past.

 

It is such a slippery way of manipulating: using past hurts to justify and guilt others into excusing present inappropriate behavior.

 

I just hope the OP does not 'fall for' that old trick.

 

I'll repeat it: Remember, his problems are not your responsibility.

 

If he is serious about what he says, he WILL be proactive about finding a way out of the patterns of his past.

 

Instead, you are hearing excuses and sad stories. But what about his actions? That is what to listen to.

 

ESPECIALLY REGARDING VIOLENCE.

 

Take care. Hope to hear from the OP again.

[pufferfish]

Long term studies have clearly shown that the MAJORITY (more than 50%) of children who are abused will not become abusers themselves...

 

I definitely agree that not everyone who is abused will become abusive themselves- heck, my own mother was beaten by her mom, but never laid a finger on me when I was growing up. It's just his history of abuse coupled with what he told me about becoming violent.

 

And about you being his 1st girlfriend, why is that an issue ? I know lots of guys who are 22, 23, 24 who have never been in a romantic relationship, and I know they were not victims of abuse, and almost certainly won't become abusers themselves...

 

I don't think I explained that part clear enough, sorry. I meant that he's never had a long-term girlfriend before, so I don't know how he treats women after being with them for a while. And neither does he. If he does become violent or abusive in romantic relationships, I will be the first to find out.

[Beyondthesea]

If he does become violent or abusive in romantic relationships, I will be the first to find out.

 

That's why I'm concerned for you. This was me, to the tee. I was the first one to find out. It's easier to be wary of someone if they have a history of violence, but how do you know otherwise? It's a guessing game.

 

You are very right to be wary pufferfish. History of abuse + telling you outright that he has been violent in the past is a scary thing. You are not crazy, and you are not paranoid. You are being cautious and smart based on what information you've been given.

 

Keep up being cautious, and just like in any relationship, if things start to get weird...things don't feel right, he starts getting easily upsetable over minor things and making you feel to blame (or like "You just don't understand), or gets even minorly violent...smashing things, punching things, etc...it's time to walk and don't turn back.

 

Many blessings...

[pufferfish]

Thanks again for all this advice- it's helping me tremendously. My boyfriend is coming over today, and I plan to ask him about what happens when he gets violent, and what he's done to heal from his past abuse. Is there anything else I should try to find out about? After hearing all your responses, I'm realizing that I need to learn more about this side of him, so that I really know what I'm dealing with. I adore this guy immensely but violence/abuse is a huge deal breaker for me.

 

Thanks again everyone.

[Beyondthesea]

Ask him what he means about getting violent. Punching a pillow is different than punching a wall, yelling at a sales clerk, fighting with others, etc.

 

He definitely needs to heal from his past abuse, and I really don't think I'd keep up the relationship if he refuses to deal with his anger issues via counseling. No one who has been abused is 'free of anger.' If he says "counseling doesn't work" then I'd probably walk. Sadly after being abused now my standards are very high in regards to these sorts of things, and I refuse to put up with anything out of the ordinary...

[Night Pumpkin]

I don't want to play devil's advocate, but I do have an important point to consider:

 

One of my close friends was beaten by his dad and brothers for almost all of his life. The problem is that because of the abuse, no girls want to be with him, because they are fear the whole cycle of violence myth. It's not really fair that he grew up as a child being beaten, and now girls also reject him, while guys who grew up in a happy family get the girls....where is the fairness in that ????

 

This is just my personal opinion, but as a Christian, I believe in the sanctity of every human life, and to just throw a person away because they have some issues from thier childhood doesn't really seem right...such people should be given a chance to improve thier relational skills, so they can become happy members of society...just throwing them away really is a double whammy, and isn't really fair.....

 

My advise would be to just take things slowly. Take the time to really get to know him. It takes a long time to discover one's true character, so don't feel pressured to commit or to leave him so quickly...invest the time, and wait and see what he is really like....

[EvaGina]

My father was horribly abused as a child by his father. To the point where I LAUGHED at my grandfathers funeral, I was glad to see him go.

 

My father does have a temper, but he isnt abusive. Commend your partner for "breaking the cycle"... it takes a very strong person to do that.

 

I have also known a guy who's father was EXTREMEMLY abusive towards his step mother, this boy walked in one day while his father was beating her and shot him, killing him.

This guy is one of the sweetest, most loving and loyal people I have ever met, he was dating one of my old schoolfriends last time I saw him, and she was regarded as being really lucky.

 

So no, not all men brought up in abusive families end up being abusive themselves. Just be understanding and helpfull

[facade]

Hi pufferfish...

 

I didn't read all of the thread replies, only your first one, where you said you don't really know what to look for. This site link removed has a TON of helpful articles, recommended resources and a forum full of very compassionate people. This would be a good place to start and if he is fearful of being that way, as well, he might be interested in taking a look at it. A really good book that I read a few years back is called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". It is one of the best books I have ever read, in that, not only does it apply if you actually are in an abusive relationship, but it also is very insightful to what good communication looks like in a relationship, as well as providing you with information to recognize some things that even people who are not abusive might say or do, that can break down another person. I hope you take the time to check it out.

[mintblossom]

I don't want to play devil's advocate, but I do have an important point to consider:

 

- You "say" you don't want to, BUT you are.

 

One of my close friends was beaten by his dad and brothers for almost all of his life. The problem is that because of the abuse, no girls want to be with him, because they are fear the whole cycle of violence myth. It's not really fair that he grew up as a child being beaten, and now girls also reject him, while guys who grew up in a happy family get the girls....where is the fairness in that ????

 

- Why does it become the girls problem? Not to mention, this is blatantly untrue. Lots of girls give abused men chances. In fact, many girls are very caring and sympathetic. Let's see....I gave my abusive X a million chances knowing that he never graduated high school and had been beaten by his mom and dad growing up. Now where did this land me?

 

Oh, 6-7 years later, I am JUST SO LUCKY to get out alive and not end up, dead, in prison, or on the streets. The way I was going in that relationship, I was either going to end up killing myself, killing him, going to jail, ending up jobless or homeless, or completely broken from the constant abuse. Every second, every day, nothing made him happy, nothing was right with the world, everything wrong with his life was MY FAULT. I still have nightmares that he's going to come to my house and kill my family. Where is the frickin' fairness for me? You know what? That is HIS problem. He grew up beaten? DONT put it on innocent girls who had nothing to do with it.

 

This is just my personal opinion, but as a Christian, I believe in the sanctity of every human life, and to just throw a person away because they have some issues from thier childhood doesn't really seem right...such people should be given a chance to improve thier relational skills, so they can become happy members of society...just throwing them away really is a double whammy, and isn't really fair.....

 

- THEY need to deal with it on THIER own. NOT put it on a relationship to FIX things. If that person grew up with issues, then that person needs to fix themself. You are recommending women get into relationships with disturbed men to help the men with their issues. THAT DOES NOT WORK. Why should innocent women become martyrs?

 

My advise would be to just take things slowly. Take the time to really get to know him. It takes a long time to discover one's true character, so don't feel pressured to commit or to leave him so quickly...invest the time, and wait and see what he is really like....

 

- MANY women have the mentality that they will just stay until they see for themselves......the warning signs aren't enough. AND that is how many women get hooked and stay in abusive relationships. By the time you do see the ugly colors, your self-esteem, self-confidence, sense of trust in yourself, support network, everything you like and value by yourself will be eroded and gone. This is how people get stuck. This is how I got stuck. This is how women since time began have lost themselves.

 

It's like...steering a ship. Well, I'm just going to wait until I crash on those rocks right in front of me and see how bad it is before I try to steer the other way. WAIT, doesn't that mean I'm going to end up wrecked?

[Gracelove]

Get out!!!!!

 

You don't even have to worry about missing any "red flags" in this situation, he's telling you where all of them are.

 

Think about your children please!!! Obviously it's a generational curse, all the men abusing their offspring.

 

Children don't deserve that kind of torture.

Get out before you become more attached than you already are.

 

Has he had any counseling? I'm guessing not. And you said that he TOLD you that he has violent episodes once a year? Are you serious?!

I think you know the best thing to do.

You can find yourself in an absolutely horrible situation.

 

It's best to get out while you're just dating. I was in a relationship with a guy who was abused by his father (not sexually I believe), and he was a complete violent, psycho!!!

 

He made my life hell for about 2 years. Please don't make the same mistake. Please, you'll regret it later and come out on the other end unneccesarily damaged.

 

Don't be foolish, trust me, it's not worth it.

 

Oh wait, and then they put him on Prozac at age 6?????! I heard that can realllllly mess a child up.

Be smart in this situation.

Don't set out to save him. You have a duty to take care of yourself because no one else will.

I think you know he needs help.

 

I would suggest not being in a romantic relationship with him until he gets the help he needs.

But it would be great if you could be there as a friend to support him (but at a distance).

 

If you stay in this relationship I think you're playing with fire. It only takes one violent episode to land someone in a morgue

 

Here this story really concerns me.

Everyone has their one decisions to make, but if this ended in a catastrophe I wouldn't be surprised.

 

All it takes is one moment of ignoring your inner voice and you end up in a horrible situation. There is nothing pretty about being an abused woman. Don't choose that for yourself by choosing that type of man, it's not worth the headache.

P.S. I totally agree with teardrops on this one

[EvaGina]

Gracelove, Teardrops.

WHY SHOULD THIS MAN BE PUNISHED FOR WHAT SOMEONE ELSE DID TO HIM?

 

Its is EXACTLY the same reasoning as someone saying "Oh, Gracelove, Im not going to date you, you were in an abusive relationship, that means you are going to play mind games with me".

 

Agreed, she should be carefull, especially with kids. But she isnt living with him, is she?

[mintblossom]

You don't need to live with someone for them to do an incredible amount of damage to you. It does not have to be physical but could be any number of factors.

 

If a guy were to say to me that he did not want to be in a relationship with me because I had been abused, you know what I would say? I would say, that is your decision and your choice and I respect what you choose to do for yourself. I would not depend upon him to help me fix myself or to solve my life problems or to fix something that he had no part in. So if he choose not to be around, I would be disappointed, mabe upset, but I would walk away just fine. I would also know that there are worthy men who do think I am valuable and amazing to be around even though I have been through an abusive situation. I don't look for nobody to solve my problems but me. I put the responsibility where it belongs. So if a guy didn't want to be with me for any reason, I might get hurt but I would move on and heal just fine.

 

So.....that reasoning really does not fly. It doesnt have anything to do with punishment or what not - I wouldn't see it as a punishment if a person didn't want to be with me. I might also add that I dont have violent tendencies.

 

To imply that a girl should risk her health and safety to help out a troubled guy....I don't agree with that.

[EvaGina]

To imply that a girl should risk her health and safety to help out a troubled guy....I don't agree with that.

 

this is where your reasoning becomes moot.

Has he asked her to be his councellor? He has been open with his past and things, yes, but she isnt "helping him out", shes just being with him, as a partner.

 

I am sorry, but I cant really see the point in condemming all men who have been abused, becuase you have been hurt by one.

Yes, he has a temper, but we dont know what he does when he loses control. Also, many men who havnt been abused have tempers.

 

The guy who tried to KILL ME had never had a finger laid on him in his life.

[mintblossom]

this is where your reasoning becomes moot.

Has he asked her to be his councellor? He has been open with his past and things, yes, but she isnt "helping him out", shes just being with him, as a partner.

 

I am sorry, but I cant really see the point in condemming all men who have been abused, becuase you have been hurt by one.

Yes, he has a temper, but we dont know what he does when he loses control. Also, many men who havnt been abused have tempers.

 

The guy who tried to KILL ME had never had a finger laid on him in his life.

 

if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, i dont need to pluck out all it's feathers to see if it actually is a duck.

 

yes, i have been abused by one bad man and several others as well. but it's an unfair and easily misleading assumption to think that i condemn men or dislike men because of what happened to me. wrong. i don't condemn the male race because of a couple slimeballs.

 

i love good men. i love it when a guy is sexy, hot, when they have that guy smell, when they are smart, funny, charming, sweet, or just nice and fun and flirtatious. BUT i am also not so stupid anymore where i would encourage a young girl to walk blindly into a trap with a guy who is showing signs that are suspicious and which i have encountered before.

 

if a volcano is billowing smoke, do you really need to see it erupt to know it's a volcano?

 

also, i dont feel like debating this. i know what i know. i know too much about abuse. one of the first things i did when i got out was to read everything i could about abuse. to educate myself about what i had been through. if poster in question does not believe, i don't care, come back in 6 months - 1 year and we talk again. people have to make their own mistakes. i can tell them what i have experienced and seen but i dont try to make their decisions for them.

[EvaGina]

I have had some training and I am resuming training to become a councellor

I have studied psych

I have been raped by three men and abused by many more

I have been abused by a woman

I have MANY friends who have been brought up with abuse, who have been raped and taken advantage of in any way you can imagine

I have lived with a father who was brought up with unspeakable abuse and a mother whos childhood was only marginally better

 

Dont assume I dont know what I am talking about. but if you knew anything clinical about abuse, you would know that people have their own wills and that not everyone is the same. That you cant lump all abused men into one pile just because of your own resentment.

 

it's an unfair and easily misleading assumption to think that...

...a person cannot lead their own destiny and become a decent person, just becuase he was beaten as a child.

[Night Pumpkin]

Of course no woman should risk her safety to "save" a man from a troubled past.

 

I think all we want is to take the time to wait and see what this guy really is like over the long run. If he continues his unexpected outbursts, tell him he needs help and threaten to leave if he doesn't change his behaviour. Its often good to bring in another friend when you confront someone. Does he have any male friends you could encourage to talk to him about his issues ?

 

Maybe search for a group at a community center which specializes in dealing with adults who were victims of child abuse. In any large city or area, there should be some services available. There is help available...

[pufferfish]

Here is the update. He came over this afternoon and we had a wonderful day- just lounging around and goofing off, but I really enjoy his company. He took me out to dinner, and afterwards, I started talking about how I manage my anger and asked how he managed his.

 

Basically, he said this: he is so laid-back that (most of the time) nothing makes him angry, nothing even phases him. But once in a blue moon, something will make him very, very upset. And when that happens, he said that he feels like punching whatever is making him angry. I asked if that included people, and he said yes.

 

Then I asked if he'd ever actually punched someone. He said he only punched someone once when he was little, but during his angry episodes, "The urge is always there." And then he said, "But even when I'm totally mad, I can control myself... somewhat."

 

Basically, I feel sick to my stomach right now. This is the first guy I have cared so much about- I know my parents would love him, we share the same morals, values, hobbies, interests, etc.- we have great chemistry- I love his friends- it's all wonderful. But hearing about the violence is truly scaring me. I actually feel nauseous thinking about this. Any type of abuse is an automatic deal breaker for me.

 

Thanks again for all the help...ugh, this is hard.

[Shiva 2007]

agree EG at least he is being upfront about it that shows a great deal of courage on his part. I would commend him and be very aware of any changes in behavior.

[EvaGina]

Okay... you have to realise that MANY men get the urge to punch people. I get the urge to punch people.

Macca wanted to punch someone on saturday night, told me he wanted to push him down the stairs... Macca wouldnt hurt a fly!!

I have tried to stab someone (long story), but I am not a violent person, I woudlnt be called abusive

 

He is controlling it. He is a brave, commendable person, he is honest and upfront. I think perhaps you may be overthinking this a bit... a bit out of context.

[Siriana]

I would be affraid for my own safety.

He's controlling it now, but what when some bigger frustrations arise! The older you are, problems are bigger. And frustrations of everyday life.

He's not interested in going to theraphy....

I would leave honey, I would be way to much affraid for my safety...

[EvaGina]

Semi-agreeing with Syrix, he should definatly to go councelling...

It really, really helps