hopeless1 Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 I am currently in a realtionship with a guy for just under 4 years. He has been married before (13 years ago) but I haven't. I also had a previous relationship which lasted for 13 years. I have suggested the idea of marriage and have tried to show him just how much I love him but whenever I have asked him to marry me (10 times) he always laughs at me. We both have children from our previous relationships. One of each of our children lives with us. His child has a very big say over our realtionship and where it is going. I have tried so hard to find faults in my partner so it would not hurt so much to leave him but I just can't. How do you stop loving someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honey Pumpkin Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Marriage is important to you then? I'm not quite sure what is wrong with the relationship from your post, apart from the issue of marriage: have suggested the idea of marriage and have tried to show him just how much I love him but whenever I have asked him to marry me (10 times) he always laughs at me. Do you feel that marriage would be the way your relationship should go? I'm just trying to understand, because I personally don't believe in marriage - it's not for me. Is your man against marrying again, or marrying you? Apart from this, how good is the relationship? Does he love you, cherish you, support you? Do you trust him and can you rely on him? Basically, are there other faults in the relationship, other than the marriage issue? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shiva 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 hopeless1, I don't know if there is a way to stop loving someone, but there is a way to make the best decision for you and your children, if this man is not giving you what you and your children need or want, than it's better to suffer for a while and find the strength in your children if you don't have the strength in you yet to leave him. I found my strength in my own baby puppy, who I knew would not grow healthy and happy if she would be around arguments and an unhappy me. Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 welcome to enotalone His child has a very big say over our realtionship and where it is going. could you expand on this some more. this sounds really odd. when you asked him to marry you, what did he say? what was his reason for saying no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 it is not very nice if he laughs at you when you express your feelings, whatever they are... that sounds insensitive, and also likes he feels he has the upper hand in the relationship and can laugh at you without any consequences (i.e., he has the leverage, and you do whatever it takes to keep the relationship going). i also have no patience for when grown adults use children as the excuse for how they behave in relationships. they should behave in a way that is best for both themselves and their children, but NOT give in to the whims of a child when making decisions about the future. i think more likely, people sometimes use their kids as justification for something they already want to do (or not do themselves), i.e., it is a good excuse that makes them sound noble, but really, is just that, an excuse like any other. so i think you have to decide whether the relationship is giving you what you want (regardless of marriage), and if you really want marriage, and this is someone who will never do it, then you have to think long and hard about what is most important to you. and if he really isn't treating you like an equal partner and lets his child rule his decisions (or claims that is the excuse for not marrying anyway), then you need to think about whether you are willing to be with someone who is not putting the relationship as a priority. i think there are some people who live with other people after a divorce because it is convenient for them (i.e., they get all the benefits of a home life, shared expenses, housekeeping, regular sex, etc.), without paying the price of a real commitment to someone else. and they will go along fine until they meet someone they like better, and will then swap out their partner for a new one. so you really need to judge your relationship on how strong and right it is for you, and if you are feeling used or manipulated, you need to speak up about it, then decide if you can negotiate something you are both happy with. if not, then that's your answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopeless1 Posted March 18, 2007 Author Share Posted March 18, 2007 I feel as though when you are in a relationship and you take on the motherly role of someone else's child in raising them then that child should at least have some respect for you. I do all the jobs in the house with little help from either my partner or his son. I help financially with this child if his father is out of town for work. I have been there for both of them when they are sick. Doesn't this make me worth anything to him where he would like to become a family. But when it is 11pm at night and you are having a cuppa with your partner about things you do not wish to discuss in front of children and in walks his son to talk about his computer games or what he would like dad to buy him than the conversation has to finish, I disagree. I cannot give more than I have given for this man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shiva 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 I am sorry if I have missed someone asking you this hopeless1, but have you considered couple therapy? if not sitting down with him privately, take him out to dinner and tell him how you feel disrespected and put aside by both him and his son? Am I totally off? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 It sounds like you feel this relationship has more benefits for him and his child than for you. You need to speak up and ask for what you need, and don't be afraid to question where this relationship is going, and if it is not going where you want it to, then either get counseling, or decide it is not right for you and don't waste more time there... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shiva 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 I agree with bsbh take care of you h1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ghost69 Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 laughing at you and marriage....isn't that the same as laughing at you in your current relationship status? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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