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So it's been a month and a few days since my break up. Went 3 weeks with NC from each end. Then she called a week in a half ago at 5 am. A very cold, emotionless conversation that only lasted about 5 minutes. I found out what I had already suspected, she was on drugs, and not caring about her life.


No phone calls since that, just petty messages on myspace (her writing me), questioning a female friend on there, and accusing me of "moving on so easily".


I was getting ready to go out tonight, the phone rang and she was the last person I suspected to hear from. Instead of typing it out, I figure I'll try to reenact the conversation the best I can remember it.


Me: Hello?

Her: Hey....

Me: Who's this? (I didnt recognize her voice)

Her: It's XXXXX!

Me: Oh, what's up?

Her: Nothing...could you call me back I'm on my cousins phone and really need to talk to you


Instead of playing 20 questions, I agreed.


Me: Yeah, what's up?

Her: Did my mom call you lastnight?

Me: No, why would your mom call me...

Her: I OD'd lastnight, and I thought she had

Me: Nope, if she did I wasn't around..

Her: Oh, sorry I thought she had, I just wanted to call and let you know I was ok


At this point I couldn't tell if she really THOUGHT her mom had called me, or she just really needed to hear from me because of what happened..


Me: Well, are you alright?

Her: Yeah, they pumped my stomache, my mom wouldn't take me to ER because she said "I would be fine" but I passed out and my cousin took me in, they told me if I would of waited a half an hour I would of been dead..

Me: Ya know, I've told you this a thousand times and you might not want to hear it again, but have you considered getting into therapy?

Her: Yeah, now that this happened, I have to...the hospital called the cops, and I"m ordered to

Me: Why are you even messing around with this stuff again XXXX?

Her: You seem to forget what month it is XXX


(Her grandfather, who was the only male figure in her life, passed away this time last year)


Me: No actually, I didn't. I was with you every second last year this time, and went through it with you, I know what time of the year it is

Her: Between that, living with my mom, and everything that has happened between you and I, I just can't take it anymore

Me: What is so bad in your life you couldn't bare to live anymore?

Her: Everything XXX. All the drama between you and I..

Me: Drama between you and I? I have no beef with you XXXX, I've left things alone and have wished you nothing but the best

Her: Yeah, left things alone, you already have a new girl, she doesn't know you like I do XXX

Me: (laughing) She has nothing to do with this, and you know that, quit over analyzing things...me and you are not together

Her: I know we're not together XXX, but I can't just turn me feelings off like that, I still love you a lot, and you seem to not even care

Me: Why because I was done putting up with BS? We've been down this road before XXXX, I tried my hardest to make things between us work

Me: All of THIS isn't a reason to throw your life away XXXX, if you needed to talk that bad you could of called

Her: I have tried calling, over and over again! You never answer!

(Which I dont)

Me: Well I'm not here then, I've been keeping busy and figuring things out for myself


Then she goes on to ask how I've been, what I've been up to, asked about my friend who had a baby, how the baby was doing bla bla bla


It finally got to the point I just asked her what was going on. What was so bad in her life she needed to drown herself in drugs. She started to talk, and got to the point she was going to cry, and I stopped and said "You wanna know what, you're not ready to talk, so let's not do this right now". She agreed, and said the doctors had told her she's "emotionally unstable" right now and shouldn't talk into depth about things until the drugs are out of her system.


Which we both got a good laugh out of because I said "Emotionally unstable right now? You've been emotionally unstable since I've known you" she laughed and said "You know what I mean".


I told her I had to get going, and she asked that I call her and give her my new cell number, that she wants to "talk" again.


It was impossible to break NC, considering I JUST got my cell back on, and I don't have caller id on my landline. So now it's come down to, did she call because she had a pretty much near death experience and it puts things into perspective ie: made her realize she made a mistake letting me go. Or she's coming back because she needs that "comfort".


As much as I want to snap on her now, like I've BEEN wanting to do. Now I really can't. I want to walk away, and at the same time I want to know she's okay. Funny thing is, the past 3 weeks I've been praying a LOT more than normally. I've been praying for all of my family, I've been praying for myself to stay strong, and I've been praying for her. I've been praying for her to realize what she's doing to herself, I've been praying she finds self worth, self love and happiness. And after hearing about all this, it makes me feel like my prayers were answered. Obviously in a scary way, but answered. I'm hoping this scare she had will be enough to help her help herself.


I had asked her why now she was calling, after this had happened. She told me she has tried calling the past 2 weeks but never gets an answer. And also said something like "Because XXX I don't have anyone I really trust, and I trust you, you always know what to say".


When we spoke I was upbeat, not because I was putting on a show, but because I've BEEN strong, I've been happy, and for the most part have my head in the right place. Before we hung up she told me she loved me, I paused and reciprocated.


I'm not going to drag this out any more than I already have. Just wanting some thoughts from you guys here. Ideas, advice, opinions, whatever it may be.

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hmm thats a hell of a phone conversation but I think your instincts are right, I believe shes in a hard place right now and shes used to using you as comfort, putting myself in that situation (without knowing your history with her) I think you did very well, you encouraged her to seek help, and offered a little goal in perhaps when shes clean she can call you again.


how does this make you feel? were you ever in any part thinking of reconciling?

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Oh, thats such a crappy situation to be in.

You are mature guy who knows all about the situation and you're not stuck up in a saver role or anything like that....you know what needs to be done.

It is very hard to be "selfish" when you need to be.

She is ruining her life, but at the same time you can't let her cause problems in yours.

She feels better with your help, but how realistic it is to count on your help forever?

I think you two live in different realities.

You need to distance yourself. You really have to.

How you're going to do it it's up to you.

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how does this make you feel? were you ever in any part thinking of reconciling?


Honestly, makes me feel like I need to be there for her. Makes me feel like I need to suck up my pride, my ego, and my anger towards her and try to be a friend. At the same time, makes me feel like she relies on me for her happiness STILL. I was in her shoes years ago, not as bad as she is now, but I was there. I remember hating the world, and not caring about anyone but myself. At the same time wanting SOMEONE to care. I had that someone, a great gf who stood by me even though I treated her like complete * * * *. She tried so hard to pull me out of the hole I was in. And after 2 years, even though I wasn't AS bad off as in the beginning, I was still messing up my life. She finally had enough, and dumped me, went complete NC from the get go. Came back 6 months later wanting to be "friends" with tears in her eyes, but I said no, I couldn't do it.


After I got over the feelings of losing her, I changed my life around completely. We never spoke again, but to this day I thank her for giving me that extra push to grow up. Even though I did it on my own.


So I kinda feel like that ex now, with my ex.


She is ruining her life, but at the same time you can't let her cause problems in yours.

She feels better with your help, but how realistic it is to count on your help forever?

I think you two live in different realities.


I know she's ruining her life. She knows she's ruining her life, everyone that cares about her knows she's ruining her life. She's ran away from everything GOOD that has happened to her. A full ride scholarship for soccer, a modeling career, me, the list goes on. Does she have it bad? Sure she does. But most of her pain, is from her past, something she STILL lives in.

"My mom has never been there for me"

"The only father I knew molested me"

"Most of my bf's have been abusive"

"I never met my read dad"

Things I've heard over and over and over again. I've broken her walls down time and time again, seen true happiness all over her face, but she's always built those walls right back up, and pushed me out. It's like the saying "Sometimes people build walls not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down". That's EXACTLY how she makes me feel.


I don't even really know how to explain how I feel correctly. I want my life back in order. I want to be on top of my game, and get myself back 100%. And I WILL, no matter what, I know that. I don't need to call her, I don't need to hear her voice. I'm doing good, and 9 times out of 10 I'm happy. At the same time, I do want her in my life. I love the girl and want nothing but the best for her. If I knew that me walking out of her life for good, meant she'd be happy, I'd disappear yesterday.


Her biggest thing with people is she needs to feel "safe". First night together I remember her telling me "I've never felt so safe with anyone before". She doesn't trust people, period. Thing is, I feel like I could just be her friend right now. I love her to death, and would love to be able to have a normal, healthy relationship with her, but I know right now that is not possible. At the same time, I COULD be ok with just being her friend. But I don't think she could, she's already shown that. She said tonight she wants to just be able to "talk" but yet she's constantly bringing up girls I hang out with. Getting jealous, and acting like my gf would.


I don't know. Right now I'm just frustrated.

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Look you can't be there for her always - especcialy once you find a gf ..

As you mentioned she's bringing up the gf's you're hanging with and gets jealous and acts like your gf.

Any normal girl would have problems with you having such a friend.

You can't put your life on hold because she's having hers.

You can't stand by her side and than when not single anymore NC her.

It is better to do it right away.

Otherwise in my opinion you are only delaying inevitable.


Look at your own experience.....what at the end helped you more...

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I can see why you want to be there for her. She just tried to kill herself by ODing on drugs. Any sane, compassionate person with a heart would try to be there and you're a good guy. I would say this, still offer her a listening ear and a kind heart, but keep moving on. I know it's not easy to do both but if you do both, you will help yourself as well as help her. She is in a bad place right now and I can see that you have compassion for her. You really ARE a good guy.

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