...more trouble in paradise

[aynat]

Hello everyone

 

I posted a while back ago about my boyfriend and his communication problem. The basic gist of it is that it's hard to communicate over the phone with him. I'm a person who appreciates talking on the phone for hours late at night. Every boyfriend I've ever had before loved it. My boyfriend is different. He only talks to me for a few minutes, and when he says goodbye he just hangs up the phone and doesn't sleep on the phone with me.

 

We did talk about it and he's been trying. He really wants this to work because his girlfriends in his past broke up with him partially because of it.

 

Last night, it got to the point where I started bursting in to tears.

 

First, he said he'd call me at a specific time (11:30). He doesn't call until 12:00 and that's fine. His friends wanted to stay online for 30 minutes more to play WoW. I'm completely fine with that. I'm glad he has his own life and has his friends. Then when he called, he said that he was really upset that his friends made him stay another 30 minutes online. He had to wake up early and go to school. I told him that I have to get up earlier than he does but I still want to talk for a little, and he said that he doesn't want to spend another thirty minutes talking to me because he needed to sleep. So I let him sleep.

 

I feel terrible. I feel so stupid for wanting to talk on the phone late at night. It's so selfish of me. I figured out that what I must do is just stop caring. I should just suppress all these desires inside. It's no big deal. I'll only feel bad in the beginning but I'll get used to it, right?

 

Anyway... I called my Ex last night in tears. I really needed someone to talk to and I'm glad that he was happy to hear my voice.

 

I've actually been spending the past few nights talking on the phone with him. He's been so much sweeter and so kind to me lately. It's not any different from when we were together, but he stopped being mean to me all together. It's like he's matured. I enjoy talking to him now, even though he considers us just friends.

 

But I called him last night. I told him everything that happened and he listened to me. I also told him that I felt so unappreciated and named a few examples where he wasn't all that great to me.

 

I bought him this very rare purple rose. It was soooo pretty. He has yet to buy me flowers, and that's fine. I went to his house and surprised him with it. He was so happy to see it but didn't know where to put it. I told him he could just put it in a pot of water or something. For a while, he wouldn't decide so I grabbed a cup, filled it up with water, and put the rose in it. He said thanks, but he looked disappointed. It sort of made me feel guilty, and I think he wanted that. I think he wanted to be the one that bought flowers for me.

 

We've been going out since October, and we've only seen 4 movies together. Not only that, but we haven't seen a single movie since December. I remember in the beginning of the relationship that he promised we would go to the movies every other Saturday and it would be our night. He hates movies, he can't stand watching them. At the same time though, he bought this really big TV for his room so we could watch movies together and asks me to bring movies to watch.

 

We went to a restuarant last saturday, my boyfriend and I. It's been a long time since we went on an actual date. All it ever is now is me coming over to his house and spending time with him. Taking naps with him, making him lunch, playing WoW with him, even watchin all 50 episodes of an anime with him. I would never do these things on my own, but I believe that if I loved someone I can enjoy what they enjoy. I enjoy being with him and I want to make him happy so I enjoy playing video games and watching anime with him.

 

He won't even give classical and jazz music a chance. I consider myself to be well educated in the realm of classical music. I know all the great artists and their greatest works. I sent him one of my favorites songs by Chopin. A really great piece. He listened to it for a little bit and said that he doesn't enjoy it. I know the idea of Classical music is foreign, but it's the birth of all music. I'm not asking him to listen to it everyday, just to appreciate it. He wouldn't even give it a chance. And I feel like if he can't enjoy my favorite classical piece, then how is he going to enjoy anything else? I tried showing him a song on my ipod once and he asked what it was. I told him it was some jazz and before he even gives it a chance, he just says that he doesn't enjoy jazz.

 

I don't know why I'm complaining. I guess I just needed to vent. My BF really is an amazing guy and I could easily spend the rest of my life with him. We've talked about marriage and he wants to marry me. But then I wonder, when we get married what is he going to do when I play the piano? Is he just going to run away?

 

Back to yesterday. I called my ex while sobbing, and he cheered me up. We talked for a little bit after that. We eventually told each other that we care about each other. He doesn't want me to be crying and that's sweet of him. I'm glad he still wants to protect me even though we aren't together. Not only that, but he says he misses me.

 

Last night, I think I made a mistake in telling my ex that I love him. I was the first one to say it, but he was quick in saying that he loves me too. In a lot of ways, we both knew that we loved each other. Not like a relationship kind of love, but just pure love. We cared about each other, we thought about each other a lot, and we talk to each other. It's like sibling love, or love you have for a best friend. Whatever it was, the love was there no matter what. Whatever it was, we knew we had that love for each other. It's like we still had this connection and we both felt it.

 

I also told my ex that I still thought about him sexually. I even went so far as to have an orgasm over the phone while he heard me.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I care about talking on the phone late at night, and I don't know why I talk to my ex.

 

I supposed I just needed to vent. My BF is level 68 in WoW now. I didn't see him today because he wanted to get to level 70. I'm sure that after he does reach that level, everything'll be fine again. I'm glad my ex is still there for me, but once i get over talking on the phone with someone i won't need to talk to him anymore. I love my BF so much and I give all of my love, everything I have, to anyone who was honest to me and loved me. My BF still has yet to lie to me and he does have his amazing moments, so I don't want to break up with him anytime soon.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Your post pretty clearly shows that you aren't happy in this relationship, and that you aren't going to be. Do the few "amazing" moments make up for the fact that you two just don't work together?

[VeganBohemian]

Judging from your post:

 

One: you are two very different people. What do you have in common?

 

Two: Talking on the phone constantly and sleeping on the phone is usually not done when you are an adult.

 

Three: I would never go out with someone who said he could not see me because he needed to get to the next level on his video game.

 

Normally, this kind of post would make me mad at the guy you are talking about. But, the fact is it is not anyone's fault. You are simply different people. You can't make someone who doesn't like the phone like the phone. Also, the phone thing would not matter as much to you if you were secure in other aspects of your relationship, a security that he is definitely NOT giving you. I know that when I was much younger, my boyfriend and I talked on the phone for hours at night...and we broke up...the relationship was horrible. My boyfriend now...we talk on the phone every night, but only for a few minutes and it is the best relationship I have ever been in. I know he loves me...I don't have to sleep on the phone with him to know that.

 

I am not saying that your needs shouldn't be fulfilled, all I am saying is that I would never stay up all night to talk to him and I would especially never "sleep" on the phone with him. It would never even occur to me to do something like that...but that does not mean I don't love him with all my heart. I am not really a phone person and neither is he. I feel as though if we are both secure in the relationship and see one another adequately enough, that it would not occur to me. I am a firm believer in not forcing anything.

 

If he is not a phone guy...then he's not a phone guy. If he cares more about video games than you...you are not with the right guy. You should be with someone who appreciates you...but that does not necessarily mean staying up all night on the phone.

[Daligal83]

I feel like a lot of your disappointment comes from unmet expectations. Unfortunately, they seem to be expectations about who he is as a person and these things you cannot change. You can't force him to like certain types of music, or to like movies, or want to stay up to all hours talking on the phone. It doesn't make him a bad person or love you any less. It doesn't make you a bad person for liking those things either. People have different interests and that's great. When a couple has different interests, I think it's important to try what the other likes, but if it's not enjoyable they shouldn't be forced or expected to participate in it frequently. In other words, he shouldn't have to like your music and you shouldn't have to spend hours watching anime if you don't like it. It's great if you watch a show or two together, but you should be trying to find things you both enjoy.

 

Now I'm with the others on this video game thing. My exboyfriend used to pick video games over me. I'd go to his apartment and he'd play them instead of talk to me, or try to get me into a different game so he could play his. I don't think it's right at all.

 

My advice is to sit down with your boyfriend and figure out what expectations you've both had for this relationship so you can see where you aren't matching up. Then figure out what you can both compromise on so that you are both happy. It could be that instead of watching anime all day, you watch two shows and then go out and do something together and that at night if he's tired, he at least talks to you for 15 minutes before he heads off to sleep.