It's been nearly 3 months...help!

[Jess...]

Hey guys. I found this forum last night, by chance, and let me say that the support on here is phenomenal. Its comforting to know that I'm not the only one, and other people know EXACTLY how im feeling. I know breakups happen every day, but when it actually happens to you, its soo earth shattering, and it feels like you're the only one in the world going through it. Anyway, heres my story, and anyone with ANY advice, please! You are more than welcome to contribute!

 

My bf of 14 months dumped me on christmas eve last year. (wasn't exactly the christmas present i was expecting and I have had NC for 2 months. We were the "perfect couple" in the beginning. I really believed I'd found my soulmate, and as stupid as it sounds, I really did believe that we were going to be together forever. We were very close, we told each other everything, had talked about the future, we knew we were going to get married. In fact just 2 weeks before he dumped me we went to his cousins wedding together, and he'd said to me "I hope thats us up there one day" and I'd said to him "it will be"... Everyone thought we were going to end up married. All my friends have said to me since "wow I can't believe you guys broke up, I thought u'd get married!" and its like...Thats not sumthen I want to be hearing... We fought a lot. I could see things were going downhill, but I didnt think the relationship would end...I guess I just thought we'd get through it....I thought if we loved each other like we said we did, like i thought we did, that nothing would ever tear us apart...

 

I did the entire "begging him to take me back" thing, all the wrong stuff. And I only wish I'd come accross this forum back then, because I would have known the right thing to do, and maybe our situation would have turned out a little differently..

 

Anyway I havent txt, emailed, rang, anything since late jan. In January, I went on a holiday. was just what I needed after the worst christmas of my life (and I've had chicken pox on christmas day before!! lol) which was really good, it provided me with time to heal, away from work, out of town, away from him. And I did start to heal while I was away, but only during the second week. I cried every day for about 3 weeks. And about every 5 mins, no lie. My parents and sister were getting sick of me being so miserable all the time (I kept telling them "you think you're sick of me being like this???? How do you think I feel???) but eventually I started not crying as much, and trying to be happy, for the sake of my family, I didnt want to ruin everyone's holiday. I got a new cell ph with a new number. I didn't give him the new number, and the people I did give it to, I explained that I wasn't giving it to him, so could they please not either. I thought this way, I won't be constantly checking to see if he's txtd me, because if he doesn't have the number, he can't. Sounded like a good plan, and also by him not having my number, it kind of banned me from txting him, because if I did, he'd then have the number. Not long ago I found out he also got a new ph with a new number and didnt want me to have it.

 

So the weeks went by and although it wasn't getting any easier, I was slowly starting to get used to the idea of not having him in my life. Initially, everything that happened to me, like when I had a bad day at work, or if I went shopping and bought heaps of cool new things, my first impulse was to pick up the ph and tell him. Then I'd realise I couldn't, and all the crushing memories would come back. Now, I am ok with that fact that hes not around. Well I'm not ok with it, but I don't feel the need to tell him things, I don't even feel the need to talk to him, much as I want to. I wouldn't know where to start..

 

Where you guys come in, is I want to talk to him again. But I don't know where to start.. and what complicates things is that apparently he hates me. In fact that was one of the last msgs he sent me. I didnt think he meant it though, he was really angry when he said it, because we'd just had a huge fight. So it's been almost 2 months since I've contacted him, I haven't even tried to since then, but I want us to be at least friends, or at least be able to act civilly to each other. I don't want him hating me, we used to be best friends!! I think if we just got talking maybe we could sort something out, considering theres a lot of time between us, and everything is in the past, and I know that I have changed, and I want him to see that. So please help me, I need a way to talk to him, but I don't want to look like I'm trying to get back together. I think the safest bet would be an email, but I don't think he would reply...I can't call his house because his parents aren't too fond of me anymore (i didn't even get the chance to explain to anyone, all they got was his side of the story, and his side is only what he wants them to know, its so unfair) Help!!

 

On the outside (what I can see) he "hates" me...What do you make of that?

 

P.S. Sorry its so long!!

[Dr.Amore]

Try spell check it works wonders. On the other note if he is going to talk to you in that manner then why bother? He has no respect for you at all by calling you names. If your age is correct the last thing you should be thinking about is marriage. I know how hard it is to have NC im going threw the same thing. I want my ex back so bad and i think about her every day and i know she isnt or maybe she is who knows. But iv noticed in our generation it is very hard to stay with one person for the rest of your life. One thing that is so true i and i see it more and more the older you get most relationships that start out well are like fantasy's the sex is amazing, he or she is everything you wanted, you feel on top of the world. Then down the road things change thats reality and its the truth but it hurts. Things like this happen for a reason and the dumpee never wants to except that fact. You have to focus on your life now and work on fixing yourself.

[Jess...]

Most of the time I'm ok, I think I'm doing really well, and moving on for the most part. But then I see him, whether we just happen to be driving down the street, or like the other night when I saw him walking around with my friends, and it makes me question everything I've achieved so far, and feels like I'm right back where I started...I don't NEED him in my life to survive, but it would be nice to have him back to talk to, have fun with etc...

[visorguy]

I'm not in an unsimilar position. In fact, I expressed very harsh words at my ex (I had reasons to be very hurt by additional information that came to light 4 weeks after she dumped me), just as your ex expressed harsh words at you. I too feel like my ex HATES ME. I apologized for my harsh words. A couple times. I've never gotten a response. It hurts. I did cross lines in response to crossed lines, and I too would like to talk with her.

 

 

Your ex probably felt you were trying to manipulate him when you told him about missing your period. Does that mean how he reacted was ok? No. But in the long run, it is forgiveable. Similarly, how he reacted does not mean he hates you. Breakups can be emotionally charged and people do and say irrational things. People make big mistakes.

 

It sounds like what you really want is to part on good terms after the hurtful exchange of words. You want validation from him, an affirmation of your worth. Do you really need this? Or is it something you want.

 

You could send and email saying "I feel bad about the harsh words exchanged 2 months ago and I'm sorry if you felt I was somehow trying to manipulate you. It wasn't my intent. I'd like to walk away from all of this on good terms since we'll likely run into each other. I hope you are well."

 

The problem is...what if he does not respond. How will that make you feel? My ex wouldn't respond to my attempts at apologizing and to make amends for my harsh words (I had a right to be PISSED), and it set me back big time. I wanted validation, an affirmation of my worth. I won't get it. Not receiving it set me further back. I'd wait 1 more month, then send a casual email if you still feel the same way you do now.

[Jess...]

Wow that was really helpful, thankyou so much! You are exactly right about the "what if he doesn't respond" I don't think he would, he would read the email sure, but actually make the effort to write back and give me some of his time? And let me think he could be interested? Gosh, I think I am better off rubbing the lamp and waiting for the genie to come out! lol. Of course my first impulse is always to pick up the ph, email, txt him, but I need to be stronger, and like you say, wait. And when I feel I'm slipping I come on here and read peoples advice and it helps me through, keeps me strong, and I go away thinking, "no, I'm not going to contact him" so thankyou for helping me to stay strong. My ex has gone away for a week, so I can finally relax a little bit and not worry about awkward "run ins" for the rest of the week, and hopefully that will carry on...

 

If it's not too hard a question, how DO you let go?