need some advice pls

[HDD]

Hi everyone,

i am doing better i guess. just accepted the fact that my ex has moved on and i have no control over his actions. so i went to a therapist yesterday to figure out what to do now about all these emotions and how to let go. he gave me some good advice on what to do and also gave me his opinion on why my ex is the way he is... which made me understand a lot about the problems we were having. it was an interesting session being my first time i didnt know what to expect.

the weird thing is, i told him about how my ex keeps calling me... so he suggested that next time he calls, to clearly explain why its best we dont talk for a while. he said to think about what to tell the ex because we shouldnt leave him guessing and give him the option of calling you later. just be clear as to what you want and have control of this situation.

so, what should i say? i mean i want him to understand that this isnt helping me and i dont know if i should sutly tell him that i know he is dating someone. how can i be self respecting and show him that i am in control of my feelings and future?

[Me and myself]

how can i be self respecting and show him that i am in control of my feelings and future?

 

Tell him exactly what you feel and what you need. That's the best you can do to show him that you are in deep contact with your feelings, you know why you are feeling this way and you know exactly what you need and want. Be assertive!

 

Trust in yourself! You'll know exactly what to say.!

[Wotgorilla]

First of all, I think it's wonderful that you're going to a therapist. I hope it works out, if you and the therapist click it can be a wonderful experience, they're there for you and you alone and to help you work through anything and everything.

 

I'd keep it curteous but simple with your ex. Be strong. I'd just say "its best if we don't speak for a long time" or something like that. You don't owe him an explanation beyond the fact that it's best for you and that you need time for yourself to sort things out. You're important and worth that. After that I'd get off the phone and stop taking his calls.

 

Easier said than done, I know, but as so many say on here, NC is a blessing in disguise!

 

Dan in a snowy NY.

[lpdreams]

So I am actually going through the same situation, except my ex just broke up with me 2 weeks ago after a six year relationship.

 

My ex was trying to make contact with me through e-mail and I am doing NC to allow myself to heal. I went to my therapist and she told me to reply and say "Thank you for your e-mail. I will contact you when I am ready."

 

I know that your situation is a lot different than mine as your ex has already moved on and more time has passed, but I know that not being in contact with my ex has given me the necessary space even though it has been extremely difficult.

 

Your therapist is probably right that you shouldn’t be in contact with him any longer. It has been very difficult for me but I promise with some will power you will make it!

[Orlander]

how can i be self respecting and show him that i am in control of my feelings and future?

Do not wait for him to call you. Take the iniative and call or email him and tell him you need space, time to have your memory erased...whatever. Think of something to say and dont include the following words like hope or love.

 

 

Orlander

[HDD]

i do want to call him really bad and get it off of my chest, but he isnt in the country so i dont know how to reach him... i wont worry about it too much... at least now i have time to ask you all how i can tell him to leave me alone.

dont use hope or love, Orlander? so dont say anything like, i hope we can be friends some day just not right now.

i just want to tell him how i feel and that NC will be good for now, for me.

should i mention anything about me knowing that he is seeing someone? i dont want to but i was just curious what you all thought about that.

 

(deep down inside, i just want to punch him in the face and tell him what a bad move he is making. of course i wont bc i have way too much self respect for myself and i know i will be the one who will benefit from this in the long run)

[blender]

Wait for him to contact you and when he does have the self respect as your therapist suggested to set some boundaries, values and standards for YOUR own heart, you will never regret doing so.. no matter what the outcome of the exes reaction.

 

you can simply say to him the "truth".. and in a kind, firm and loving way say:

 

"I want you to know that I respect and cherish all that we share, so it's important for me to be clear about where I stand as far as you contacting me. I hope you can respect the fact that I would like to have no contact right now, and you may only contact me if at some point you "discover" that you would like to make an "effort" to work on us as an exclusive couple, ..okay?, because I'm not ready emotionally to go "backwards and just be your buddy right now", so please do not contact me unless you have a clear intention of wanting to ask me to "work on US as a couple".. otherwise I need to heal, move on and I wish you only the best, and I appreciate you understanding in my need for these boundaries right now."

 

Talking in this clear and self respecting way will set you free, and also allow him the OPPORTUNITY to at some point to make an intentional loving respectful choice to rise to the occasion and make an effort to win your heart back, if he does NOT do so.. then you have been healing and moving on the whole time anyway.. and you can feel good about YOURSELF, no matter what the outcome of his choice may be in the long run..

 

YOU are the most important person right now. Respect yourself, love yourself enough to set clear standards and values for your own heart and you will soon attract a mature, sexy, wonderful, loyal, respectful, amazing man into your life.. it might even be your ex.. but he'd have to "rise to your level of intergrity and class first".. but all the healing starts with you setting standards and values for your own heart, regardless of how he chooses to re-act to your self respecting standards, you are going to heal and grow past all this heartache..

 

This type of setting boundaries, and clearly stating the "no contact" reasons is what helps us to "discover" if the ex is anything of what we "hoped they could be".. and "no contact" boundaries also allow YOU to re-discover how wonderful and amazing YOU are on your own... and how much YOU deserve from a relationship...and in most "broken heart" cases, the "dumpee" discovers in time, that they are SO MUCH BETTER OFF, once the pain subsides, and you re-gain a new perspective and how much YOU have to offer someone, and what you will respectfully want in return from a healthy relationship...

 

Sometimes we miss the "Habit of having the person in our lives" and all the 'hopes and dreams we've ATTACHED TO THEM'.. more than we miss who they actually revealed themselves to be... seperating "feelings from facts" is always so helpful in "acceptance" and it speeds our healing process...

[HDD]

thank you Blender. you said exactly what i was thinking and I just wanted some assurance from all of you if that is what i should say. I guess i was thinking right.

here are some of my other thoughts which i dont want to talk to him about but i want to vent it to you all... i was also thinking about mentioning the fact that i know he is dating or seeing someone and i wish he would have been honest with me and himself. it hurts me to talk to him about it but i also do not apreciate being used and lied to. i am also afraid that once i start NC, he will be relieved and start to seriously get involved with this girl bc he probably thinks i am dating too. which i dont care, but it just hurts to realize that. does that ever happen? should i mention anything about him lying and using me as a safety net?

[blender]

Try not to "lower your own value on your heart" by bringing up too much of the past if and when you ever do speak to him.. just be in acceptance and try to move on.. if the "love" he had/has for you is "authentic" it will be discovered by him in time, you have no control over that..

 

if you make a sincere loving mature effort to "accept" that the two of you are actually broken up, then you will feel better in the long run if you take the "emotional high road" and simply set some boundaries, standards and values for your own heart by choosing "no contact'.. you will clearly say to him, that he may contact you again but ONLY IF he has "discover that he wants to make a sincere intentional effort to try to get back together'.. if not, then it's best that you have "no conact"

 

if you leave it with just these classy self respecting accepting words, then you won't leave any "bad feelings' and if he ever does want to "try again" he will know that he may contact you, and if not, and he does go on his own separate path, than THANK GOD, you are doing no contact, and healing and moving on yourself.

 

Again the most powerful, attractive and healing thing for you to do is to set some standards and values for the terms YOU find important, and to clearly let him know you are not going to "just allow contact" for any other reason except IF he wants to "sincerely make an effort" to exclusively have YOU in his life...

 

I understand your "fear" of him not responding in a positive way to YOUR having some SELF RESPECTING, CLASSY STANDARDS AND VALUE FOR YOURSELF, but: Why would you want any man who would not make YOU a priority?

 

and for right now, it's up to YOU to establish what is of value for YOU in a relationship, and this guy is not behaving like a man who is willing to be what YOU really deserve or want in the long rung..

 

Yes, it will be "sad for awhile" to let go of what you "hoped could be" but it's so important to be LIVING and HEALING by accepting what actually IS.. and for right now the FACT is, this guy is NOT ready to be exclusive, kind, loyal, loving, respectful and worthy of YOU. and until he is, well, then you are going to move on.. and choose to only get involved with someone who is willing to make your a priority in thier life in a classy, respectful, loyal and loving way.. and this future love, might even be your ex.. or someone new.. but the real healing starts with YOU respecting yourself enough to want a loving, loyal, respectful, sincere, intentional man in your life.

 

You're going to grow past this pain, no matter how many details or things you do NOT ever discuss with him.. actions speak louder than words.. and you're so emotionally vulnerable right now, and if the ex is NOT making an intentional clear effort to be in YOUR life, then try not to waste any more of your precious, heart or energy in his direction.. take all the dreams you've "attached" to him, take them back to your own heart, and re-attach them to yourself, and your own future...

 

YOU are worthy of a loving, intentionally committed, loyal, kind, respectful, sexy, joyful man whom you can share your precious heart with.. for today try to "accept" that this ex of yours is NOT worthy of your energy...

[HDD]

thanks Blender. you make so much sense. its just so hard to deal with this pain and especially now that he has someone else in his life... i just want to get over this soon and come out healthy and strong and find love again. i am having a sad day today and just praying that this will end and i get to let go completely and be happy on my own again. i am scared and worried about my future.

[Wotgorilla]

The future is what we make of it, so hang in there, be strong, and know people out there care for you.

 

It will get better, we're here for you!

 

Dan on Long Island.

[blender]

HDD, you're going to be okay, even better. This is just a "sad" time for you, but remember with heartbreak that "pain is inevitable BUT suffering is a choice".. so today make a CHOICE to celebrate YOU, your future is going to be fantastic, don't "fear" it.. embrace all the POSSIBLITIES it holds for YOU..

 

FATE is nudging you onto a new path, do NOT resist it, instead ACCEPT it, and know that when an ex is still "dancing around our thoughts" it's normal but we do have a CHOICE to accept that "okay, this wasn't THEE one for me, but I learned alot about myself, how much I have to offer, and how much I can love, and that I will ONLY put my energy into someone who is willing and lovingly making an intentional sincere effort to be in MY life as well. And for right now this ex of yours, is just a "speed bump" on the wonderful road that is your life.. sure it's caused you to "slow down" a bit, but you still got your hands on the steerwheel of your life, so look ahead, because gazing into that rearview mirror for too long only causes us to emotionally crash over and over again.. so instaed LOOK AHEAD WITH EXCITEMENT, COURAGE, AND SELF RESPECT.. and know that the BEST is ahead of you, not behind you..

 

He does NOT hold the key to your happiness... only YOU hold that key.. he's history, a lesson learned, a nudge for YOU to grow beyond this, find your inner strength.. you can do it, you are doing it, you're going to heal, and it starts with "no contact" and "letting go and letting god"... trust that most of your "pain" comes from "resistance" to the FACTS, but if you choose to "accept" that this ex is NO longer worthy of YOUR precious energy, then you will start to heal..

 

write in big letters on a piece of paper.. "I am going to be wonderful, strong, proud, and will go on to love again, but first I have to love myself one day at a time, and today is MINE, for me to grow, and have the self respect and gratitude for all the wonderful possilbilities of MY future". tape this "note to self" up where you can see it each morning...

 

Trust that with each "broken heart" we suffer, we learn more about ourselves and we can CHOOSE to grow through it with integrity, class and acceptance that FATE has a new wonderful road to go on, and once we are in "acceptance" of this, the road will rise to meet you.

[HDD]

thank you blender. i guess i know things will get better but its just hard bc i figured 3 months would be a good amount of time for me to feel better. but i feel the same and it hurts even more bc the ex has moved on. if i could move on maybe i could heal faster and get over him,but i am not like him. as much as i wish to get him off my mind by any means necessary, its hard for me to just move on like that.

i know he is missing out and that i was good for him. i pray that i find whomeevr i am supposed to be with so i can be happy again and feel content with everything. right now, my focus is on me but its hard to not feel lonely and miss him. i know he doesnt deserve all this from me, and every time i start to think about him, i tell myself, its his loss and i will get thru this. or i just pray to God to help me get thru this and let go and move on and find someone who will love me, respect me, cherish me forever.

[blender]

Yes, it takes time, after my break up I felt as if I were walking through emotional cement for a long time, kept thinking that if the "ex" doesn't learn how wonderful I am, then I won't remember it myself..but that is just a "feeling" not a "fact".. because the FACT is you are wonderful, kind, loving, and you will heal on your own,

 

and pretty soon you will make a CHOICE to FEEL empowered by your own pride, intergrity, and your independence. Sure it takes time, you have to mourn the loss of what you "hoped and thought could be" and to start accepting that this ex is NOT thee guy who can willingly respectfully and in a loyal way give you what you 'HOPED AND THOUGHT COULD BE"... but please remember all that you "hoped and thought could be" will happen in your life, maybe not with him, but it will happen... for YOU...

 

You have the courage and self respect to let go and move on, "moving on" is not about "getting involved with someone else" as your ex has.. that's NOT moving on..that's just "newness" and "avoidance" of dealing with the "self work" that is truly needed for anyone to eventually love in an authentic, loyal and mature way.

 

The good news is YOU are growing through all of this, and you will soon make a CHOICE to be in acceptance of the FACT that your "feelings" are one thing, but the FACTS are another, and you are going to be okay, your "feelings" are sad right now because you "feel" that he was "thee one" but the FACT is, he's revealed that for right now he is NOT thee one.

 

And you will eventually "feel" even better because you have gone through all this, you will grow and learn to be at peace inside yourself, on your own, celebrating you, widening YOUR OWN world, and looking back on all this heartache with "gratitude"..YES THAT'S RIGHT you will actually be 'GRATEFUL" for all this heartache, because it's when we are "most sad" that we have the wonderful opportunity to DISCOVER HOW TRULY STRONG AND WONDERFUL we are on our own, and once we come to that realization, we ATTRACT the right person into our heart..

[HDD]

how long did it take you to get over your ex? were you still sad and upset after 3 months? you sound so strong and capable of handling these emotions, i cant imagine how it must have felt for you? are you in a relationship now and are you happier than ever?

the thing with my ex is, he's not the type that would fight to get me back or send me flowers apologizing for what he did. if he thinks i have moved on (meaning dating other guys) he will turn around and never look back. so i dont think he is coming back bc he's not that type. so it kind of makes me sad to realize that but then again, i deserve someone who thinks i'm worth the effort. I used to always tell him no matter what, i will always support him and fight for him. i know he felt the same way but towards the end, it didnt feel like that anymore.i felt like i was holding on to something that just wanted to be let loose... so now, i feel like i am finally able to do this - let go of him and wish him all the best. i am really upset and disappointed for what he has done but it doesnt bother me, it just hurts a lot. now when i think about him with the new girl, i do feel angry and upset, but its not as bad, and i just feel like he just lost the best thing God has ever put before him, so no matter what, i will always be on his mind (that could be a totally wrong way to look at this, but it sure helps me let go).

your words make me feel strong and hopeful about the future. i feel like i will be the one to benefit from this break up and only time will tell who will be the winner and the one who ended up with the knowledge, wisdom and self respect to love, live life and be happy again.

 

p.s. i havent told my friends (except one) or my family that he is seeing someone. i just dont feel like they all need to know. its over so why bring it up right? i told my therapist so that he can help me figure out what we did wrong in our relationship and if my ex has any traits that i just refuse to see and me for that matter.

[elithepi]

Hang in there, HDD. 3 months isn't long.

It's almost 4 months for me over 1 1/2 year relationship.

I'm still very sad

[HDD]

thanks Elithepi. I knw 3 months isnt long but it hurts more cause my ex moved on. i have accepted this is over for good. now i just have to heal and try and move on. the hard part is letting go of the hope that maybe someday something might happen, but i dont want to hope for that either. i just want to get over him 100% completely!

[terk2021]

hdd,

 

It's been 8 months for me. I have started dating this year and I am moving forward with my life. I still have moments where I think about the past. It's hard sometimes when the heart is stronger than the head. It sounds like you have been able to gain some perspective on your ex, and that's a good thing.

 

Have you thought about just sending him an email with your thoughts? It would give you the opportunity to document what you want to say, and he can read it when he opens it. That way, you do not have to wait for a call from him, or call him when he gets back, and you can do it on your terms and say everything you want to...

 

The right guy is out there for you, and you will meet him when you are ready.

 

Terk

[kate111]

I'd be blunt and just email/ text saying "please do not contact me anymore. I cannot heal with you in my life. I hope you understand" or words to that effect.

[blender]

HDD, please try not to think that your ex has "moved on".. he's really just

"moved sideways", and YOU are the one MOVING ON now... and if you trick yourself into thinking that he wouldn't call you because he "might think you've moved on".. well then that right there is a SURE SIGN, that this is not "thee guy" who deserves your heart.

 

Sometimes after a break up we like to think of "loop holes or excuses for the exes behavior", but those are "feelings" that allows us to stay in the "so sad part of loss" and it can become a temporary replacement of the lost relationship, and another "addiction or habit" we allow ourselves to stay stuck in... I understand because those "feelings" are so powerful, but they are "feelings" not "facts".. I often say on this site to separate the feelings from the facts, it will help you get up each morning and face each day with enthusiasm to get through your heartbreak to the other side..

 

because the "facts" are usually different then the "feelings", the FACT is, he's doing what he wants when he wants to.. and if he "wanted" to sincerely have a mature, committed, loyal, long lasting relationship, he would be at your door, no matter if "thinks" you've "moved on" or not, if he discovers authentic love in time, he will contact you.. and who knows he might do so in time.. but that is NOT a matter for you to concentrate on, instead concentrate on YOU, and all YOU have to offer.. and what YOU really want and desire, and hopefully the first thing on your "desire" list is "respect, love, loyalty, effort," Not only will you want to give these qualities of yourself, but you should also desire them in return..and if someone is not emotionally capable of "giving" them, then you have to let go.. and respect and love yourself.

 

Those "feelings" you are allowing to fill your mind about the "other girl"..well try to put those feelings in perspective, she may be "new" but he is still HIM. The fact is the girl who he is with now is "new" and that "newness" will wear off eventually and even if she is a great girl, HE will still have to deal with his OWN ISSUES eventually... yes, he will always run into himself, over and over again.

 

But you, you are making new choices regarding YOURSELF and YOUR OWN life, and you are now making a self respecting choice to NOT put any of your precious energy into a man who is not making a sincere intentional effort to win your heart.

 

Try not to think of it as "him moving on".. start thinking of it as "YOU are growing up and beyond all this".. because the FACT is YOU are healing, you are going to grow past all this, sure it hurts like hell, it's not what you "planned" on, but that is only because you made so many "plans for your future around who you "thought and hoped" HE could be in your life"...and those "feelings" are very difficult to "let go" of, but the FACT is you are going to have all those wonderful qualities in your life, you are going to work on yourself, you're going to therapy, you're going to find your inner happiness..

 

because AUTHENTIC LOVE is about "sharing your own happiness with someone else" and NOT about "attaining your happiness from someone else" there is indeed a HUGE difference..

 

so if you are "feeling" that he holds the key to your happiness.. well plain and simple that is a "feeling" not a "fact"... for today, one day at a time, your emotional mission is to be okay on your own, find pride in your letting go, setting standards and values for yourself, and of course wanting to share those same standards and values with any man whom you choose to allow into your life...

 

For right now, for today, you can feel empowered by your "no contact".. good for you, stay the course, breathe, cry, take a walk, write on here, and you are healing even though you don't even realize it, I can tell by what you are writing now compared to only a few days ago.. YOU ARE HEALING AND GROWING, and pretty soon you will be celebrating YOU and actually wondering "why" you wasted so much energy on "HIM"..ugh.. he's not going anywhere... and I mean "emotionally"... because you are the one going through the "sadness" right now, and this is an "opportunity" to find your inner strength, pride, self respect, and courage.. you are doing just fine.

 

No more being okay with the "crumbs" he gave you, your now on a mission to get the "whole cake" from your own self, and then to share this with a man who will choose to make a mature, loyal, committed, long term, intenitonal effort to win and cherish you.... you deserve it...

[blender]

HDD, do not contact him right now, no emails, no text, nothing, just take care of you for today, reaching out to an "ex" is NOT an emotionally healthy thing to do especially if he is NOT asking you how you are feeling, it's none of his business, and you are still too emotionally vulnerable to make any bold statements to him regarding "no contact" and then you will be expecting some "response" from him.. so instead for today, just do NOT contact him... one day at a time.. no reason to contact him right now, none...

[HDD]

i wont contact him... i havent contacted him for over a month. he's been the one calling at least once a week. now i am at a point where every time he calls, i feel less and less inclined to feel anything. especially when i didnt answer my phone when he called from abroad, i think he kind of got the message that i dont want to talk to him or i prob gave him the impression that i am moving on (which to him, means dating or having fun with guys). i know he is back in the country and he hasnt called me yet. i hope he doesnt and just moves on. i really dont want to talk to him, email him or anything. its so much easier to NOT talk to an ex. i agree. if they arent making an intentional effort to be part of your life, why bother and worry about them. yes i do have moments during the day when i question, WHY? Why is this happening? We were supposed to be together forever...! But no point in dwelling on what if's.

we spent an amazing 6 years together and i will cherish those years and i hope to spend the next 60 years with someone who will think i am the best thing that ever happened to him. i am sad that this is over but its out of my control. i did breakdown today, i dont know why.. i just started crying and i cried for like 15 min and i felt better.

i do feel better but i know i have a rough road ahead of me and i pray that it gets easier soon.

[HDD]

something else i was thinking about,

when i met my ex, he was dating someone for three months. we started off as great friends and had this really strong attraction towards each other. but we didnt move ahead bc he was dating. so he broke up with his gf and then wanted to give US a try. we tried being friends/dating (no intimacy) for a month and he decided to get back with his ex caue she kept calling, emailing etc. they dated for 3 weeks and i did NC and went on vacation. i didnt feel so bad bc it was just so new and i wasnt really thinking about seriously dating him. but for some reason, he didnt make it with his gf and they finallly broke up. when i got back from vacation, he was at my door wanting to date me and make me his gf. i gave him another chance and he has been good to me while we were together.... if it wasnt for our religious diff, we would be married by now. but what my point is, i was kind of a rebound right? but he always told me he wasnt serious with the girl he was seeing bc she was young and it was just a phase. he really was looking and praying for someone like me and when i showed up, he just knew i was thee ONE.

so, i am just scared or i guess preparing myself to hear about him being engaged or whatever. i shouldnt bother abot it but i figured it would take someone longer than a few months to get over a long relationship. or maybe he has been over us before we even broke up.

just some thoughts i need to vent. thanks for listening.

[blender]

Crying is healthy, and it's great to have those 20 minute or less relief type of crying moments.. it's all a part of the healing and accepting. And you do not know what the future holds, for right now the two of you are NOT suppose to be together, for today, your only mission is to re-gain your sense of self, the girl you were when you first met him, the girl who is happy, self confident, joyful, and who is YOU without him, and then if he ever does want to "make an intentional effort to clearly say he wants to try again as a couple with you".. NOTHING will stop him from making that clear to you, nothing... no matter what excuses you may make for him, whether it be you didn't respond to his call from abroad, or he "thinks" you are moving on.. he always has the option and the opportunity to "show up right" and "clearly let you know what his intentions are".. that is what YOU are worthy of, from any man whom you choose to allow into your heart.

 

sometimes the ex of a long term relationship (six years is a long time) well they have "curiosity moments" and they sometimes make contact just out of "feeling quilty" or "courious" or "unsure".. but that is NOT the time to speak to the ex.. the ONLY time to speak to the ex is IF and WHEN they state a clear intention as to why they are calling... you deserve this, and if in time he discovers he really wants back what the two of you shared, trust that he will clearly reach out in time and say something along those lines...

 

For right now you have to "remember all the facts" of this relationship and not get so blinded by all your "hopes" for the relationship, and know that this time is for YOU, to re-gain yourself, and then in time you are feeling less vulnerable and less emotionally charged about the whole thing, then you always have the option of contacting him, but for right now it's best, and most powerful, attractive and healing to just be on your own, working through your own feelings, and getting your sense of self back.. then everything will fall into a wonderful place.. it just will.. and it might even include the ex.. but one step at a time, taking care of yourself first.

[HDD]

i understand what you mean by seperating my feelings from the facts... as hard as it is to do, it is very necessary. it just hurts bc we've been together for so long. i also figured since he has been dealing with this break up for months before we actually broke up, i think its easier for him to move on. even though we both knew this was a possibility, i was hoping things would turn out diff. so when it finally happened, i had a hard time accepting it bc i never gave him the oppertunity to miss me during our relationship. actually, i guess i did, we did Long distance for two years and made it thru that. he wanted to break up several times but we would end up talking and the next day everything would be fine. maybe i should have just let him be rather than hold on to him. now that he is not in the same town, the break up was easier to implement.

anyways, thank you blender for your kind words again. seeing a therapist hopefully will help me figure things out on a more clearer level. rigth now, i feel like i have made some mistakes during the relationships and i should only worry about what i did wrong and try to fix it rather than worry about what he did wrong. bc i cannot change him or control him... i can only change my future.