What Is A Healthy Relationship???

[sallen]

Where to start??

I have been in this relationship for about 2 1/2 years (on and off but am now engaged). I have lived with Jodie (32 years old, I am 48 years old) for the past 2 years. She was my first after the breakup of my 27 year marriage. We have gone through so much in our lives, we have worked and lived together on the road in California for a year (Edison contractors) and now have settled in Colorado. We have a beautiful house, a dog and a lot of issues. There is no question of us loving each other, we do. I work from home as a self employed data contractor and she works in an office, I drive her to work and pick her up every day.

 

Last night we fought, I mean really fought! She broke stuff and we both said a lot of hurtful things such as "go * * * * someone else", "I could never marry you", "I don't want to have sex with you", and so much more. In the heat of the moment I am sure we have all "gone there".

 

This is not the first time! We have had at least 2 of this type of fight in the past week. The next day we make the drive to work in silence and the damage done seem to be getting greater every time this happens.

 

I love this woman so much and she is obsessed with me to the point of controlling my whereabouts and movements and who I talk to throughout the day. I am a 225lb bodybuilder so I am not a wimp but "bend" to her to keep the peace at home.

 

I guess I already know the answer but I still need to ask. What do I do?? I am unhappy on a daily basis, drink too much to cope and numb myself, and am generally unhappy. We have separated 3 times in the past year (I flew her back to Utah each time) but after a few days felt like I could not live without her. Each time I flew her back the old issues resurfaced.

 

Please help me! I have been thinking about ending all of this far too much in the last few weeks.

 

Steve.

[RayKay]

I don't know...heat of the moment or not I can honestly say I have never been cruel and spiteful to my boyfriend, nor he to me. When you turn disagreements into "whom can hurt the other more" you are not longer working together to create a solution and no one "wins" in the end.

 

I will also say that her controlling you is not "love". It may feel good to be so "wanted" but it is not out of love....and it will get worse before it ever gets better (and it only gets better if she realizes it is an issue and works at it).

 

You obviously know it is not working, and this breaking off and getting back is not changing a thing.

 

My advice is don't marry her if you cannot work through this with counselling and therapy together first. My other advice is that there are a LOT of red flags here even in this short post...don't stay with someone because you fear being alone. At this rate, you are going to become more and more resentful as you "bend to her will" and if you are drinking now...you also need to address that issue.

 

I hate to say it, but NONE of this sounds healthy, and I think it is time to walk away...for good. Give counselling a shot if you like together, but you have to both be willing to seriously look at yourselves to work this through.

[Locke2121]

Does the word doormat mean anything to you? Because as tough as it is to admit, thats what you have become. "Bend to her will?" What kind of crap is that? Listen, companions don't bend to their SO's will. We are meant to walk SIDE BY SIDE through life, not be led around by a nosering so that we don't rock the boat.

 

You need to reconnect with the man you used to be. Your on the fast track of losing all self-respect, confidence and willpower. You need to find those qualities again, and this time, don't let go of them.

 

If she is too controlling, to bad. While you may be together, you still have YOUR OWN LIFE that needs to be led separately from hers.

 

Good luck dude!

[heloladies21]

We have separated 3 times in the past year (I flew her back to Utah each time) but after a few days felt like I could not live without her. Each time I flew her back the old issues resurfaced.

See that's the thing. That's part of not fully sticking up for yourself and what's right for you. Such a common problem with with guys in western civilization.

 

You need to have a sit down with her where you are very calm, but very stern and direct about how things are and what needs to change. And if she's not willing to make the switch, then the relationship has to end for good. This isn't psychological game playing, this is sticking up for yourself on the most fundamental level and seeing the truth when it's right in front of you.

 

She has to stop checking on your whereabouts (implies that she doesn't trust and you and by allowing it to happen, you reinforce it). You have to live your own life and call her out on any BS. Do not let it escelate into a shouting match. On this stuff, either she sees your point of view or you're done talking.

[Jetta]

Often people reveal their true feelings in the "heat of the moment". It may be time to part ways.

[sallen]

All,

 

I completely get what you are all saying. I already know that this is not healthy but letting go of a love this deep is hard. I am not afraid of being alone, I never have been. I suppose that love is not always the answer if it means losing yourself in the process.

[jwoodside]

All,

 

What Steve has neglected to mention in this whole ordeal, is that I'm not the only person here who has done wrong. His drinking too much, isn't just too much...it's the whole bottle. His saying that I don't let him do anything without me...he works from home, and spends a lot of him time out of the house with the dog, shopping, doing pretty much whatever it is he wants to do. I do not control him. Yes, I do admit, I don't trust him, and there are reasons why I don't which he knows and I won't get into. But, I am working very hard trying to overcome the issues. I love him very much as well and want to do whatever it is I need to do to make this work. But, the way he's been talking to me lately, telling me to "go find someone else to **** me", he's crossing that line. I don't think he's EVER said anything that hurtful, ever to me. We keep having an issue where, once one person says one thing that is hurtful, the other puts up a wall, and it seems to become more of a "who can be more hurtful than the other". I don't want to hurt him, I love him, but I also can't talk to him anymore.

 

What do I do?

[fredthebread]

The whole saying things that hurt each other is an ego defence mechanism. He/She said something that devalues my self worth and so your ego kicks in an does what it thinks is right to protect itself. I am talking about ego in the Freudian sense. To stop this you have to step out of yourself and realise they are just words and not facts. You both seem to have a lot of love for each other, but the whole situation reeks of co-dependancy. Why do you love each other? I think you are going to have to get a third party involved ie a counsellor to help you sort this out. But counselling works best if you have prepared yourself for it and know what you want out of it. You need to want to face the harsh realities of your relationship and really understand how it works. And if you find it is working to the detriment of either one of you, then change or split. There is no doubt its hard, painful and can take a long time, but the end result makes you regret not starting sooner. And when you are on the journey, don't beat each other up coz this leads to retreating back into old defence mechanisms and little progress is made.

Best of luck!

[sallen]

We are still together...last Monday we had a HUGE blow-up (again). After work we were relaxing with a few drinks and as we talked things got way out of hand. Let me give a little more background. She works in Englewood CO (about 32 miles from where we live and I drive her to and from work every day, a total of 128 miles every day) and I work from home, I am a data consultant for the mining industry and generally work from home. I did not want to make the drive out again and asked her to take a cab home. She got a ride from her boss who lives a few blocks from us...no problem. Anyway, as the night wore on we go into some very deep issues that have always been in the background, mostly trust. The insults flew and the damaging words followed close behind. She ended up going up to the loft of our house, where my office is, and proceeded to trash two very expensive electric guitars (she knew how much the cusomized one meant to me as well as the one I gave her for Christmas). The drywall damage was pretty extensive (I can fix that) and then threatened to trash my work laptop. I went up there just as she was about to piledrive the laptop. Needless to say I took it from her before she could break it. Oh...did I mention that she sucker punched me (again, the 3rd time), prior to the loft incident? She was completely out of control and I wrestled her to the ground during which she gouged my face and bit into my upper thigh (the bite was deep and the bruising is over half of my upper thigh). At one point I had no option but to defend myself and I did. I forced her down and actually knocked the wind out of her to make her stop... Now for the aftermath. Three days later her kids were to visit us from Utah and although we weren't talking we agreed to put everything aside and be civil during the weekend while they were here. During the kids visit we were fine, even had great sex, several times, and the weekend was overall fairly good. Today I drove her to the airport to take the kids back home to their father. I am now at home waiting to go back to the airport to pick her up and bring her home. We have not thouroughly discussed the incident from last week although right after it happened we agreed that we both could not go through this again and she had started looking for alternate living arrangements.

I love this woman very much, I think she does me as well. I do not know what to do! After this past weekend I feel that she thinks this may have blown over but I have basically put my heart and emotions on hold for the sake of the children being here. I have no issue with being alone, but cannot stomach the thought of her being with another man...jealous? no, just admitting to myself that once a lover has moved on I can never go back again. I know that this is a long posting but I really need some help with the situation.

 

Steve.

[sallen]

Does anyone have any input? I think I already know the answer to the problem, I just want some confirmation, once gone there is no going back.

[RayKay]

Hey sallen,

 

Alright, short and sweet...you need to get out of this. That is in NO way acceptable. Not only is it "not healthy" it is abusive, brutal, selfish, vindicative, terrible, immature behaviour.

 

When people are willing to damage the THINGS you love, they also will hurt you (as she already did) and it shows her way of dealing with things is with physical harm.

 

Yes, you will go through issues of loss and jealousy, but you certainly do NOT want to be the man she is with. In time you will see that.

 

Good luck, and please stick to your resolve to get out of this. Now.

 

RayKay

[Aleadragonhawk]

I agree with RayKay. It's time to get out. Completely outside of your possessions, if this woman continues to attack you, one or both of you are going to get seriously hurt.

[sallen]

Thank you all for your advice and sanity in an insane situation.

 

Steve.