Moving on (sort of)

[Jetta]

I'm sort of starting to move on. Really I had a talk with my ex last night, he says he's enjoying his freedom and doesn't want me back. For some reason I'm just not believing that he doesn't want me back. I think he's really hurt and just leary. He isn't looking for a girlfriend (he says). And maybe hanging onto me just as a precautionary measure. He said no to that, but a hunch is a hunch.

 

I know once I really move on it'll be over so I've kind been holding off, but I hate being single. I'm totally a relationship girl. Anyway I got flirted with at the grocery last week. He was cute too, but I felt like crap so I didn't really flirt back. And he didn't ask for my number so.

 

I now have a guy e-mailing on link removed (I didn't use the best picture of myself). I'm half hearted about him. He's a regular guy, I rarely go for the regular guy. He's got ambition, my ex didn't. He kind of reminds me of him though (both computer guys only this one is doing better). He's the first divorced guy with a child I've ever met. The real downer is he smokes (I don't). Yeah trying to quit my a**. So no I'm not all ga ga about this one. link removed just isn't as fun as real life. It's all just out there, where' the puzzle?

 

Anyway I told my ex about another guy being interested thinking it's rile him or something and it didn't. He's naturally a keep it inside guy though but I know he didn't even get internally riled. Now I'm thinking I really do have to move on, and I don't want to. I want my little family back. I totally love my little girl, she's a dream child (and way fun to hang out with even at 4!). My ex, a friend, and I are meeting for lunch on Sunday. He's giving mixed messages really. His actions are showing me he's interested whereas his words say otherwise. I mean really he's meeting me for lunch and was disappointed when I asked if he was bringing our daughter.

 

I just hate being in this limbo. I know if I move on it's really over between my ex and I. On the one hand I'm worried a guy would interfere with my college ambition (but this one is finishing college so maybe he'd be better about it). So I guess really I'm sort of okay with being alone. Anyway I'm just letting things play out. Just having someone show slight interest has me thinking, I'm probably not as interested in getting out there as I thought.

 

So what do you think. Should I really focus on moving on or just give my ex more time to forgive me for being so awful? Most regular guys remind me of my ex anyway. It's like such a waste to have a broken up family for a guy I halfway get along with, and no I've never felt all ga ga for him either. Should I just wait for ga ga? That just leads to trouble, doesn't it?

[Ferion]

Its great to hear you're moving on. The worst of it is over, just about. I think you should move on from your ex..once you do this, and you accept its really over then you'll really be free. That little voice in your head telling you he wants you back its usually just yourself not wanting to let go of him. Most of the time, in something like this, If you could somehow scrap up a relationship with your ex

- it won't last long at all. Then when it happens again, you are back at square one with your heart shattered.

 

But of course, I do not know the whole situation. But finding someone else is a great step forward. Move on

[StillClimbing]

So it sounds like 1) you are not done with school, 2) you have a child.

 

Here's what I'd hope you'd focus your energy on at this point (in order of importance):

1) spending any free time away from work/school with your child

2) going to college, getting a degree and developing a career so you can provide both resources and good role-modeling to your child

3)self-improvement...learning to feel strong and independent without a boyfriend/husband. It's really easy to just say "I'm a relationship girl". Most girls I know hate being single because it is somehow ingrained in us culturally that without a man to call ours, we are failures. Yes it's nice companionship, but you have much bigger priorities. You are a mom now. The stakes are much, much higher.

 

If you really push to make yourself a bigger, stronger, better, more independent woman, you will be pleasantly surprised at the quality of guy that you will find hitting on you in the future.

 

As for you daughter's dad and whether you should pursue anything with him, I have no background upon which to make judgements. I would just recommend not going back and forth too much for your daughter's sake. She is old enough to understand that mommy/daddy are together/not, so be careful to protect her from the emotional turmoil of your relationship.

 

Best of luck.

[Jetta]

The problem is he has custody and I had a breakdown, resulting in supervised visits. I see him to see her, and I'm just not sure how this will play out. I feel like if I give up on him he'll pretty much make it so I can't see her. They kind of already have. I was in shock over the whole mess and missed my court date (major depression, am recovering, but my life is anything but clean cut).

[Dr.Amore]

Why the hell is it most women fear being alone? It shows that you have no self confidence, respect for yourself, and your not independent, o did i say insecure? Thats why i lose so much respect for women these days. They bounce from one relationship after the other. Have faith everyday and pray and leave the rest in gods hands.

[StillClimbing]

Dr. Amore-

 

There are a lot of reasons we fear being alone:

 

1) While watching saturday morning cartoons, the "happily ever after" always consists of some permutation of a prince and princess being together forever. This carries on in junior high when all the popular girls are "winners" cause the boys like them and want to be with them. It's all centered around a sense of success. You are not successul in human society unless you have a mate. Surely if you have no mate, there must be something wrong with you. It's a status symbol at the heart.

 

2)It is evolutionarily imprinted in us that we must procreate. Since we have biological clocks, there is a deadline to that task. So if at any point we don't have a partner, then we are not equipped to complete that task...that makes us nervous.

 

3) It simply feels good to have a person to rely on. It's nice to know you always have someone to curl up with on a friday night! Nice to know you have a travel buddy or a date to a wedding. Simple logisitcs really.

 

 

Lots of reasons.

 

 

The hardest thing for a woman to do is to learn to be HAPPY and totally SATISFIED without a boyfriend. It is also the most important thing, in my opinion. It leads to healthy psyches for the self (ie. self worth and respect), healthier relationships down the road, etc.. I have seen so many friends (and even myself) date LOSERs or let themselves be treated poorly all in the name of having a man in their lives. They end up way worse off.

 

And Jetta: If you are having custody and depression and other issues...this is certainly NOT the time to be looking for new love. Clean up your first few messes before you make more.

[distroyed one]

Dr. Amore-

 

There are a lot of reasons we fear being alone:

 

1) While watching saturday morning cartoons, the "happily ever after" always consists of some permutation of a prince and princess being together forever. This carries on in junior high when all the popular girls are "winners" cause the boys like them and want to be with them. It's all centered around a sense of success. You are not successul in human society unless you have a mate. Surely if you have no mate, there must be something wrong with you. It's a status symbol at the heart.

 

2)It is evolutionarily imprinted in us that we must procreate. Since we have biological clocks, there is a deadline to that task. So if at any point we don't have a partner, then we are not equipped to complete that task...that makes us nervous.

 

3) It simply feels good to have a person to rely on. It's nice to know you always have someone to curl up with on a friday night! Nice to know you have a travel buddy or a date to a wedding. Simple logisitcs really.

 

 

Lots of reasons.

Totaly agree with you!! I didn't have lots of relationships in my life just because I used to go for it when I was in love.. I don't need entertainer, someone to pay drinks and dinners when we go out.. Some women, like me, tend to be in relationships because they need someone who love them and someone to give their love too.. It seems to be utopistic, but thats what we try to reach.. And not all women are dependable on men.. After all there are more single women then single men in this world.. Probabily because second ones find partners to have someone for cooking, cleaning, ironing.. But there is no point in generalising..

[Dr.Amore]

I guess i agree to a certain point for the fact that my girl dumped me. Im a real good guy always told her i love her, always told her how beatiful she was, cooked her dinner, yea im not perfect and could be a little harsh but dam neither was she. She had alot i mean alot of baggage 2 kids, depression, social anxiety, ect ect. Over 5 years with this chick and she leaves me for the reason i love you but im not in love with you and don't know if i ever will be. She told me many times she was in love and sometimes she says she falls in and out of love and i was the same way.

 

 

To point i guess after she dumped me i just wanted to her to know that i really wanted to move in with her and her 2 kids and all be one, she replies i don't see us making it to the future i just don't think it would work i tell her so when did you start predicting the future. I replied so what you meet another guy in a couple of months kinda like him have a few drinks sleep with him on the 3rd date or whatever then what cross your fingers and hope he is "THE ONE" and will love you and your kids forever? I guess it just hurts to know after 5 years she dumps me out of the blue again 5 months before that and i changed for her might the last time and 3 weeks after the breakup she is out dating all ready. I mean dam a 30 year old women after 5 years with 2 kids you would think she would want to fix herself and focus on her and the kids. Im sorry for this rant it just hurts.