Reason to divorce?

[plushvixen]

I'm really hurt and angered by my husband's actions. First a little background. he is 22 and I am 29. We married 3 years ago and were only together for about 6 months when we married and I was pregnant with our first daughter. Four months ago we had another daughter.

 

Through this entire time, my husband has had a problem with internet porn. I've put monitoring software on after I found out about it the first time and he continuously does it. A few months ago, around the time I was 9 months pregnant, he was sending x-rated pictures of himself to other women online who live near us and trying to hook up with them. I caught him doing it again.

 

I've warned him numerous times that it would lead to divorce if he didn't get help or stop what he was doing. It makes me feel horrible about my own body, myself, and makes me feel like he is unsatisfied in our marriage, which he swears he isn't (obviously he won't communicate it.)

 

So I'm fed up. I want my girls to have a daddy in their lives but at what cost? Them growing up thinking a man can walk all over them like my hubby has me? However, he hasn't physically cheated yet. (yet, is the key word.)

 

Is it reason enough to divorce? I feel that it is but wanted an outsiders input.

 

Thanks.

[DN]

Hi, welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I think viewing porn is a different issue than what your husband is doing.

 

He hasn't actually cheated yet but that is not for want of trying. I think that if you have warned him and he ignores what you are saying it is unlikely he will stop unless you give him a much stronger signal that you are serious.

 

I think that if you really want to save the marriage, you should file for divorce, serve the papers and say that you will allow the divorce to proceed unless he stops.

[Hayles]

Oh you poor woman... now, your concerns are ligitimate and justified... it's one thing to have a problem with internet porn, but your husband is actually sending naked photos to girls - and trying to hook up with them - that's taking things to a whole new level - I mean, YOUR HUSBAND IS TRYING TO PICK UP OTHER GIRLS!!!

 

This is serious sweetie, and I truly hope you make the best decision for yourself and daughters, but I think you deserve sooo much more than this!

[melrich]

Porn addiction is like any other, it can be treated. I agree he is doing far more than just looking at porn but unfortunately this is the way most porn addicts go, they get hooked on teh porn and look for ways to make their fantasies come true.

 

I agree with the others, if he is going to continue this regardless you need to take drastic action. I'm not sure filing for divorce is the first step.

 

Have you suggested professional help to him? Have you investigated disconnecting internet access?

 

The situation can't go on but I think the first thing I would do is get rid of the computer(or at least online access). Then see if he will agree to counselling. If that fails I'd head down the path DN suggested and make him realise how serious this issue is and the threat it is to your marriage.

[doyathink]

Obviously your at a point where issuing a wake up call is a must. But if you feel a divorce is in order.......then you have to follow your own thoughts.

 

There are steps that you can take b4 a divorce....The door to leave permanently is always there if you feel at some point thats what you truly need to do.But have you thought about a legal seperation? He would still have to help support the children that way.

[shikashika]

I'm going to make ( a perhaps unfair assumption) and say that I don't think it is just the porn..

 

You say that you got married 3 years ago , you are 7 years older than him.. so he got married to an older woman when he was 19?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!? And he has 2 children by the age of 22?!!?!?

 

..... and then you had a child together after only 6 months?!?!?

 

Personally I think these may be the larger issues... As much as porn is a well-debated, heated topic on enotalone, I think that a young 22 year old kid might still be 'finding himself' (whatever that means!) and still needs some growing up to do.

 

Has he ever had the chance to be a kid?.. be a young guy? Maybe this is why he is doing this?

 

I have no problem with people watching porn.. but sending photos to other women is cheating... I can't think its anything but cheating.

 

to be honest he sounds like an immature kid ( and he still is... he's only 22!!!) and no I would not like to be married to someone like that.

 

I'm sorry if this offends, but I can only give my personal opinion on it... but I think it might stem from the fact that he got married while he was still a teenager... (Not an excuse for the CHEATING!!!!) He never had the chance to date, meet lots of other girls..

 

I could never imagine at 26, getting married to a teenager!

 

So I think it might be deeper than just the porn issue.

 

Regardless of my opinion on your ages.. he is acting like a poo... and IMO that IS CHeating..

 

I hope you find someone who respects you!

[Aurian]

I don't know what the rule is there, but when I got a divorce, British Columbian law stated that I had to be separated for a year before I could get a divorce. If its the same here, you can initiate proceedings, be separated and if he doesn't clean up his act, you'll have the divorce.

 

At any rate, I don't think its a healthy marriage if he is trying to pick up other women and sending out naked pictures of himself. It is disrespectful to you and it doesn't sound like he is subtle about it - hence he will send a bad message to your daughters. Tell him he needs to shape up - go to counseling if he is willing to help himself and stay with you, or you'd rather go it alone!

[isisastaria]

I sense he has underlying issues in the relationship. I DO NOT believe it is okay to act out in that way because of issues in a relationship. What I DO believe is you two can get past it. He IS cheating. He IS being deceptive. And OF COURSE it makes you feel terrible! Just remember this is NOT about you! This is about your husband having a problem. It's a problem because it's obviously leading to infedelity. It is obviously leading to bigger and more harmful things.

I really hope things work out for you both. GOOD LUCK!

[lostinwilderness]

Plusvixen,

 

Sorry to hear that you are dealing with this, when you should be able to focus on your family and newest child.

 

I am joining the chorus in saying that this is about more than viewing porn. If he is viewing porn against your wishes and refusses to deal with it, then that is bad enough. From many women's perspectives that would be enough to end or at least seriously question the relationship. However, I feel that he has taken a big step past that if he is interacting with other women, and especially if he is sending photos of himself. I agree with DN that it seems more like he is trying to move this farther.

 

If he does have a sexual addiction (which he might), then it can often start with something 'seemingly' inocent like porn, and then escalate to stronger behaviors like sending pictures or full blown affairs.

 

I think that you are completely justified to treat this as VERY serious and to take action to protect your self and your children from this type of environment. If you have not already you might want to set some very defined boundaries, like no internet/computer (very reasonable in light of his transgressions), and require some individual/couples counciling.

 

If he is unwilling or unable to work with you and respect your boundaries, then I think it is a certainty that not only would this behavior continue, but it will likely continue to escalate. That leaves you with some tough choices.

 

As hard as it is, please try to realize that this is his problem and not a reflection on you as a wife/woman. I hope that you can find a successful conclusion to this one way or another!

[generalelectric]

You poor thing! Please don't let his behavior affect the way you feel about yourself and your body. Your husband sounds like he may have a porn addiction, and his problem has nothing to do with how you look; you could be the most beautiful woman in the world with a perfect body and it would never be enough for someone with a porn addiction. In fact, usually their problem is so much bigger than just the porn. Your husband sounds like he has some kind of "emptiness" inside that he is trying to fill with excitement of the sexual kind. This has NOTHING to do with you!!! Try telling yourself you are beautiful and perfect in every way even if you don;t mean it at first.

 

My husband had an issue with porn-well the problem wasn't just with the porn, it was that he lied and his it. Besides looking at it for hours at a time every day...this was BEFORE we got married. I took his computer, believed him when he said he wouldn't do it again, then proceeded to marry him.

 

Soon after I found his stash of porn videos hidden in the insulation of our attic. A few years later brings us up to the present time during which he is having an affair. (We are getting divorced needless to say). Perhaps make whatever choice you feel is necessary for yourself and the example you want to set for your children.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

this does not sound good... he is very young and seems to feel like as long as he doesn't get caught, it's OK... and you think he hasn't cheated physically, but maybe you just haven't caught him at it, or he is trying to, just hasn't been successful yet (but keeps trying).

 

you might want to try marriage counseling, but if he is determined to cheat, he will, so please be careful and use protection until you are sure he has really committed to your marriage and is not having sex with someone else.