ghost69 Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 everybody wants what they can't have or someone else has. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 As much as I was hoping that I'd never again have a discussion about this girl with my bf, last night I did. First, I want to mention that I generally don't get jealous or gripey about my bf having friends that are girls. It's just this girl... I don't feel comfortable with due to the fact that she has been interested in him for some time and he immediately started talking to her and even visiting her during our two week break. Apparently he's interested in being with me since we got back together but .... if she is "just" a friend, then why doesn't he introduce us. Try to make this long story short. He has a friend, P. A guy he's known for a long time. S is the girl that I have difficulty with. Well, S is friends with P's girlfriend. They all go out - all the time together. Well P sent my bf a message something like "don't you ever get out anymore? See if you can get paroled so we can go out." Boys will be boys right? I don't really have a problem with his verbage. So, I talked to my bf about whether he'd be going out with him. And I said that if S is going to be around, I want to go to. He said I can't. Why? Because I don't get along with them! Hello? I've never even met them. (met them but basically only introduced - once.) So - I told him I have boundaries and expectations. And that going out with a group that included her and excluded me is unacceptable. He then said "well it will be a guys night out, what if we just run into them?" Still unacceptable to me. All in all, it came down to me saying that I do have boundaries and expectations - either he meets those or he doesn't. But I will not have either crossed. And him telling me that I was jealous and controlling. What a beautiful relationship. Link to comment
Wotgorilla Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 Oh man, I'm sorry you're going through that. You are absolutely right, that is UNACCEPTBLE!!!! If he's not allowing you to go out with his friends, and S "just might stop by" which I think is BS, then you have every right to take issue with that. He has to realize that this affects you, and you are upset about this girl's influence. A healthy relationships is where two people accept and RESPECT each other, and realize that our actions have repercussions. Your BF telling you you can't come along for that reason shows, to me, a lack of RESPECT. People have a right to see their friends, and have "guy's nights" but this is different. He's throwing this girl in your face, just as my ex used to throw her ex's and guys that hit on her in mine. Stand your ground, we're here for you! Dan on Long Island Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 Thank you Dan! You know - when he throws out that I'm "jealous" and "controlling," I'm just beside myself. What I accept of him is already going out on a limb and then this! I think the only way possible that he can think I'm jealous and controlling is by not knowing what it means to have a healthy relationship. A few things - - > Respect Consideration Love Those things. If he had those - he wouldn't even consider some of the things he does. IMO I could be wrong. But I just think that he should be more respectful and considerate. I think he just would be. Link to comment
TheFoglifter Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 OK wait a sec. You've entered into a different area here because there are more variables than his own behavior. Your boyfriend probably does not want to see "S". Unfortunately, S is firmly rooted in a social structure that he wants to be a part of. While his verbiage of "its a guys night out, but she might stop by" may seem like a "cover-your- * * *" tactic to you (cuz he can rightly say "I didn't invite her, she stopped by") you also have to consider that neither P, P's gf, nor S are subject to your rules. Now if it is a TRUE guys night out, that means neither your bf, nor P can bring the girls. In my experience, it is ANNOYING AS HELL to plan a single-sex outing when it seems like some members of the group can't cut the umbilical cord. A single-sex outing works best when its just single sex. As such, this is how he can tell you not to come without being a bad guy. You do not control S, and if she wants to show up, she is going to show up. You both know this, and as such you limit your bf's options very heavily. What can he really do. 1) He can skip the night out (his friends probably miss him as indicated by the "get paroled" comment). If he skips the night out, they know damn well its because you pressured him to. Even if thats NOT what you did, its what they will think. 2) He can bring you along. If its a true guys night though, then he risks annoying the rest of the crowd, or it turns into a group date which is FAR from a guy's night. 3) He can go, but pledge to leave if S shows up. This makes a bold statement, and also risks alienating him from his friends. I feel you are trying to control things you just can't control, and I really don't see how you can "win". S is going to show up from time to time, so unless you can get her hooked up with someone else and get her out of the picture, there may be times where you just have to let him go out. It does not mean he doesn't love you or respect you, but you have to respect his feelings too. Keep in mind, many cases in which one partner feels he/she is being controlled by the other (even if that isn't true -- its what HE feels) result in that person fighting harder to escape the control. I don't want you to be in a position where he says "I'm sick of you being controlling, I'm going, end of story". You can avoid that by being smarter. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 Taking this in, Fog. So one more possibility. If it's definitely a group event and he excludes me, then what? Link to comment
TheFoglifter Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 ... it's definitely a group event and he excludes me, then what?" You ask him for what possible earthly reason you should be excluded, and process it carefully before reacting. I got a bit long-winded, I hope my point was clear that some of your dilemma is caused by you trying to control things you don't have jurisdiction over (ie: with whom S associates). I'm trying to think how I would react if I wanted to hang out in a group that contained someone my gf didn't like, and I explicitly told her not to come. In my mind, I would be juggling several factors, not the least of which is "what will this COST me in terms of making it up to her". If the true reason is that you and S do not get along, then he does not want to risk a fallout that would put you in a bad light, and him by extension. Nothing is more terrifying to a guy than having his male friends detest his girlfriend, and having them apprehensive every time he wants her to be a part of the group. That is a downward spiral to hell. I love my gf and I want her to be part of our group and my friends to be her friends. There was a time when they just plain didn't like her. It put me in a bad position because I was alienating my friends, it put HER in a bad position because she felt unwanted, and it put my friends in a bad position because they had to accommodate her. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 And secondly, I certainly would not attend if it was definite that it's a "guys" night out. Link to comment
Wotgorilla Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 I'm sure you wouldn't, so don't doubt the validity of your feelings on this matter! As an old therapist once said to me, feelings are never wrong... Dan on LI. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 when i was with my ex, i included her all the time. she would always ask me if it was guys night out. if it was, she would offer to drop me off and pick me up. getting wasted of course. she didn't mind. why people put themselves in situations with jerks or b* * * *es like this i have no idea. Link to comment
TheFoglifter Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 ... secondly, I certainly would not attend if it was definite that it's a "guys" night out." I know you wouldn't, and I bet he respects that. Now hopefully if they do plan a GNO, S would not be alerted to its time and location, which would minimize the likelihood of her arriving unannounced. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 I completely understand and respect your explanation / advice on this situation. I do! Here's a little more insight. I have met many of my boyfriends friends. And we all do things together. All of us except "this" group of friends. Technically, I don't feel that this group of friends has any reason to dislike me or have a problem with me. And by all means, even though I'm not fond of this girl, I'd be nothing but friendly to all of them. I'm not opposed to getting to know her or any of his friends for that matter. It is not like the girl and I have had disagreements of any kind. It's more so like her not accepting me as J's gf and not acknowledging that he has a gf. Not to mention the trouble she tries to start. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 when i was with my ex, i included her all the time. she would always ask me if it was guys night out. if it was, she would offer to drop me off and pick me up. getting wasted of course. she didn't mind. why people put themselves in situations with jerks or b* * * *es like this i have no idea. See, I could agree with that completely. The always including each other or ending up with the other at the end of the night. Link to comment
Wotgorilla Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 Now why can't I find a girl like that? Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 When he and I started dating 8 months ago, they were friends. I knew they planned on going to a concert together (good ol myspace.) I wasn't really concerned. Even though, when I asked him who was going, he only mentioned some of the guys. I didn't make a fuss over it. Surprise surprise - next day she posted lots of pictures from the concert with him and two girls on his arms. At that point, I asked him if he was dating other people and if he was interested in her specifically. He said he wasn't interested in her, said she's always been an emotional wreck, crazy, and gets on everyone's nerves. So I didn't worry about her. She'd leave messages like "yep he's standing me up for another wedding this weekend" and "I think I'm jealous!" on his myspace. She'd call him endlessly. He ignored her and we kinda made a joke about it. Then "Wham" as soon as we started a break, he visits and talks with her. She posts a picture from that concert and "Ready to do it all over again?" And then send him messages like "So what you can't talk to me now?" And on another note, throughout our 8 months of dating, I've encouraged him to go out with his friends. He would not. Wanted to spend time with me. Now I get this "I can't go with my friends bec you'll be mad." I'm such a high school drama queen. Dang it! And I'm not usually! Link to comment
Wotgorilla Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 I'd say he's the HS drama queen, and seems to be surrounded by the like.... Dan on LI Link to comment
bcuzitwasfun Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 Hi I'mThat Girl, My two cents..... If it wasn't for the internet, computers, cable modems, DSL, etc. he'd probably be using some other way to communicate. The issue to me seems to be that his behavior is bothering you and is getting in the way of a relationship that you want. He seems to almost want his cake and eat it too. I would really consider putting an end to this relationship and enjoy my son's baseball games. PS - Hope he has a good time playing baseball! Thanks bcuzitwasfun Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 Now why can't I find a girl like that? i'm thinkin i need to get her back. lol. she is still in my life though which is good. i've never had a crazy bad breakup thank gosh. except one chick, who we never confirmed with each other we were dating told my buddy who was in her college class that she had a bf the whole time. i'm like oh yeah, in 8 months of me staying over pretty much every night. where was this guy? haha, she knew it would get back to me. she tried to pull the 'i'm pregnant' thing on me too. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 Thank you bcuzitwasfun.... I'm starting to wonder if that's right. He does involve himself in dramatic situations. Or I guess I should say the way he handles things, things get dramatic. And baseball! Woohoo! Our first practice is April 9th and first game April 23rd! I can't wait. Tonight, my mom and dad are coming to town to join my son, daughter, and I at a school festival. My parents will take care of my little ones while I volunteer during festival clean up. We should have a great time! Tomorrow, is Children's Museum day and movie night. I love weekends with my little ones!!!! Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 i'm thinkin i need to get her back. lol. she is still in my life though which is good. i've never had a crazy bad breakup thank gosh. except one chick, who we never confirmed with each other we were dating told my buddy who was in her college class that she had a bf the whole time. i'm like oh yeah, in 8 months of me staying over pretty much every night. where was this guy? haha, she knew it would get back to me. she tried to pull the 'i'm pregnant' thing on me too. Whooooaaaa! I need to understand this. You stayed over every night for almost eight months but wasn't her boyfriend? Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 yeah. we were associates. she even labeled it friends with benefits; but i could tell she wanted me as a bf. "but she had a bf the whole time". pfffft. Link to comment
Wotgorilla Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 Tomorrow, is Children's Museum day and movie night. I love weekends with my little ones!!!! As someone who works in a Museum, this made my day! Dan on Long Island Link to comment
Wotgorilla Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 yeah. we were associates. she even labeled it friends with benefits; but i could tell she wanted me as a bf. "but she had a bf the whole time". pfffft. To me, there are no benefits to "friends with benefits." I'd rather be alone! Dan on LI. Link to comment
TheFoglifter Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 Is it possible to just pity this girl? I'm not sure you have much to worry about. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 yeah. we were associates. she even labeled it friends with benefits; but i could tell she wanted me as a bf. "but she had a bf the whole time". pfffft. Hehe - And you learned your lesson about FWB for 8 months that seem to be a relationship may not mean the same thing to the girl even if she says it does, huh, huh? Link to comment
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