How would you or would you react if:

[ImThatGirl]

Your girlfriend or boyfriend had a friend that was interested in them.

 

They claim that the person is just a friend "to them."

 

The friend continuously invites him places. And sends him messages letting him know he missed a good time. Has acted jealous because he's in a relationship. Makes it clear she is interested in him.

 

Now, all of this is apparent on our good ol' wonderful Myspace. She is a friend on his list. During a recent two week break, she was number 2 friend on his page. Now is at the bottom, being replaced by you since you are back together.

 

And most recently, she posts the song "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne. (If you don't know it, I can post the lyrics.)

 

He laughs about it and says you are mean and shouldn't care if she is a friend of his as he's not interested in her.

 

Would you be concerned? Would you ignore it? Would you laugh it off and suppose she's just desperate and jealous? Would you continue to be comfortable with him being friends with a girl that will do anything to be his girlfriend?

 

Thanks in advance. I'm not real used to dealing with this...

[JoeWho]

I think it is unacceptable. I dealt with a lot of this BS in my last relationship. If your guy has someone who is interested in him and she makes it clear to everyone then she is not his friend, she is a potential girlfriend for him.

[Snoopy24]

Hey

 

I actually have the same exact problem..but it's with my boyfriends exgirlfriend!

 

She constantly messages him and emails him about how she is still in love with him and can't live without him, and wants him to go with her to places.. blah blah blah.

 

It's really annoying and I'd prefer it if he didn't talk to her at all, but I trust him and I know he is coming home to me every night so I can't really be mad AT him. I mean it does bother me but I can't let it get in the way of our relationship. I know he cares about her and wants to be her friend and I know he doesn't want to be with her again.

 

So if you trust him it really shouldnt matter if this girl likes him. It may be annoying but you can't tell him to stop being friends with her...

[answersguy]

My girlfriend had a guy friend like that when we first started dating and I was more than OK with it... I hated it but I gave the outward appearance of being cool with it. I told her to make sure he was clear the she has a boyfriend but I also told her that I expect other guys to be interested in her because if I choose I girl, I know I'm not the only guy who wants to be with her too. My girlfriend really liked the freedom and trust and he started calling less and less because the main thing she talked to him about when he called after we were together is how great I am. We've been together for 9 months and I haven't even heard his name mentioned for three.

 

If they have a sexual past that makes the situation differant. Maintaining that kind of relationship with an ex is bad Ju Ju in my book.

[ImThatGirl]

Little more insight.

 

For one - I think this is crossing boundaries. I would politely tell any guy attempting to date me or cause problems that I'm happy in a relationship if the tables were turned.

 

She was friends with him b4 we met. She was actually with him the first night we had a long conversation. He and I talked extensively about going on a date. There she sat at the table. I assumed she was just a friend. He said she was just a friend. I think what she is, is a friend that didn't realized she was interested in him until he was unavailable.

 

So for months, she posted comments on his myspace. Called him often. He always blew her off. Eventually deleted his myspace because it created too much drama.

 

Our relationship hasn't been the most stable anyway. Mid February, we split. I thought for good. He re-created a new myspace and guess who number 2 friend is.... None other than her. Along with new comments like "ready to do it all over again, etc."

 

When we discussed getting back together, I specifically told him, that her and her attempts to start trouble with us will not be a part of our relationship. Period. If she did, he needed to deal with it and eliminate the issues.

 

And now here we are again.... She still attempts to contact him, changes her song to that "Girlfriend" song and he continues to consider her a friend.

 

I can't even believe I'm posting about this. I just find it highly disrespectful but don't know the right way to deal with it.

[ImThatGirl]

By the way: Here's the lyrics to the song:

 

Hey, hey,

You, you,

I don't like your girlfriend,

No way, no way,

Think you need a new one,

Hey, hey,

You, you,

I could be your girlfriend,

Hey, hey,

You, you,

I know that you like me,

No way, no way,

No its not a secret,

Hey, hey,

You, you,

I want to be your girlfriend.

 

You're so fine,

I want you; mine,

You're so delicious,

I think about you all the time,

You're so addictive,

Don't you know what I can do,

To make you feel alright?

Don't pretend, I think you know,

I'm damn precious,

And Hell yea,

I'm the Mother * * * *in' Princess,

I can tell you like me too,

And you know I'm right.

 

She's like "So, whatever",

You could do so much better,

I think we should get together now,

(And that's what everyone's talkin about)

 

Chorus

 

I can see the way,

I see the way you look at me,

And even when you look away,

I know you think of me,

I know you talk about me all the time,

Again and again,

So come over here,

And tell me what I wanna hear,

Better yet, make your girlfriend disappear,

I don't wanna hear you say her name ever again (again and again and again).

 

'Cause...

She's like "So, whatever",

You could do so much better,

I think we should get together now,

(And that's what everyone's talkin about)

 

Chorus

 

(Oh)

In a second you'll be wrapped around my finger,

'Cause I can, 'cause I can do it better,

There's no other, so when's it gonna sink in?

She's so stupid, what the Hell were you thinkin'?

(Oh)

In a second you'll be wrapped around my finger,

'Cause I can, 'cause I can do it better,

There's no other, so when's it gonna sink in?

She's so stupid, what the Hell were you thinkin'?

 

Chorus

[answersguy]

When we discussed getting back together, I specifically told him, that her and her attempts to start trouble with us will not be a part of our relationship. Period. If she did, he needed to deal with it and eliminate the issues. No booty until he gets rid of her completely.

 

You could make him stand by that. Ask him for something firm on how he plans to deal with it. What exactly is she doing or saying that is such a problem? Is she actually saying that she wants to be with him or just implying it?

 

I think the best thing to do with this is to make fun of her desparation and try to get him to laugh at it... Use it as a bonding experience with her on the outside. If you fight about it, he could potentially start talking to her about you being controlling and you end up on the outside of their joke.

[Snoopy24]

Honestly, I think you are over reacting. I don't think it's disrespectful for him to be friends with someone that likes him. If he liked her that would be a diff story and you should'nt be with him..but that doesn't seem to be the case.

 

 

What is wrong with writing a comment saying "ready to do it all over again"

 

I think you are being jealous and that will cause problems in the relationship.

 

If he doesn't give you any reason that he will leave/cheat on you then you really have nothing to worry about it. You're with him...NOT her...

[Wotgorilla]

If he cares for you and respects you, he'll stop this person from trying to interfere. He's in a relationship with you, and she has to accept that. He has to let his friend know that this is an immature course of action and that it will drive you away for good. If he cares for you he'll nip this in the bud. I for one will never go back to myspace, I can't stand that site!

 

My ex (whom I kicked to the curb two weeks ago because of her constant abuse and criticism, but myspace had a role in it, see my "finally ended an abusive relationship post if you like) used to constantly throw in my face who was interested in her, who tried to give her a number or pick her up, she got off on the attention and loved making me jealous about it (not that I ever got that way, but the manipulation on principle annoyed me to no end). She had a myspace, and of course made me a friend on her page, but way down the list (like number 70 of 73 for example), and never posted any comments I sent her, to the point where I just stopped posting comments. Her reason? "I don't want my friends knowing you're on here" was what she said! As if she was embarrassed by me or something? Yet on the night we broke up she added some random guy who lived near us on her friend list and posted his flirtatious comment front and center, while I was making plans to go to my family for a death in the family. Which she wasn't supporting me through!

 

Moral of the story? No one deserves to be played with and everyone deserves respect!! Those that don't should be shown the door! Hope this helps....

[amtjrtcet]

You could make him stand by that. Ask him for something firm on how he plans to deal with it. What exactly is she doing or saying that is such a problem? Is she actually saying that she wants to be with him or just implying it?

 

I think the best thing to do with this is to make fun of her desparation and try to get him to laugh at it... Use it as a bonding experience with her on the outside. If you fight about it, he could potentially start talking to her about you being controlling and you end up on the outside of their joke.

 

Very good adivce

[RayKay]

I can say how I have dealt with a "friend" doing that to me before and trying to interfere and being disrespectful to my relationship.

 

I told them it was unacceptable, gave them one chance...and the next time they referred to "when we broke up" I told him to take a hike. I was not interested in him either, but I WAS interested in respect for me, my partner and would not tolerate that.

 

I know that song, and I would be very ticked if a "friend" posted that to my partner! The message is pretty clear!

 

Sorry but if he has not made it clear to her that it is unacceptable, he should. And if he HAS and she still does it....he has to set the boundaries even if it means ending the friendship. I don't think you should ever give up friends just because a partner asks or does not like them...but one should know enough to not be friends with someone whom does not respect their partner or their own choices.

[Batya33]

I have strong opinions about the use of Myspace in this way by an adult. I would not be in an exclusive relationship with someone who chose to have a Myspace page in which he alllowed people to post comments that referred to their past relationship, past dates, past hook ups or were flirty/suggestive/disrespectful/tacky in any way. I would find that behavior immature, attention-seeking in a bad way, tactless, possibly harmful to his career (if employer/potential employer can find it with an Internet search).

 

And, it wouldn't matter to me if it was his male buddies posting tacky, suggestive or disrespectful comments or if the comments had nothing to do with the girlfriend or relationship - if those are the kind of comments he would allow on his myspace page, he would not be the kind of person I would want as a boyfriend or potential spouse and I would not trust him to be around my close friends, colleagues or family because I would assume he lacked common sense and integrity/discretion.

 

And, yes I do have a Myspace page. It is private, it has no photo, says I am in a relationship and otherwise has very few details about me. It is there to link up to my nieces, teenagers who need someone watching over them. It also links to two women friends, one of whom never logs in, the other who just posts "bulletins."

[Wotgorilla]

Batya, I couldn't agree with what you said more!

[Iceman26]

I have strong opinions about the use of Myspace in this way by an adult. I would not be in an exclusive relationship with someone who chose to have a Myspace page in which he alllowed people to post comments that referred to their past relationship, past dates, past hook ups or were flirty/suggestive/disrespectful/tacky in any way. I would find that behavior immature, attention-seeking in a bad way, tactless, possibly harmful to his career (if employer/potential employer can find it with an Internet search).

 

 

Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner! Well said!

[ImThatGirl]

Batya, I understand and agree with you to an extent.

 

Now, I love my myspace.... I have many of my friends on it and have never had a problem with mine.

 

While we were apart for a couple weeks, I had many friends (guys) sending comments. When we got back together, I made it clear I was in a relationship (pictures and such,) and sent messages to a few people that I felt would possibly send messages that were disrespectful to him. I've had no messages or comments that would be disrespectful. I also deleted past comments.

 

It's only when dealing with him and his myspace that things seem to be highschoolish - guess that should tell me something.

[ImThatGirl]

You could make him stand by that. Ask him for something firm on how he plans to deal with it. What exactly is she doing or saying that is such a problem? Is she actually saying that she wants to be with him or just implying it?

 

I think the best thing to do with this is to make fun of her desparation and try to get him to laugh at it... Use it as a bonding experience with her on the outside. If you fight about it, he could potentially start talking to her about you being controlling and you end up on the outside of their joke.

 

Maybe it's not so much what she is doing.

 

I think my specific problems with this are:

- She's always made comments implying she's interested in him including "Heard about your date. I think I'm jealous!"

- She continuously called him and asked him to go with her to weddings and such.

- He commented to me recently that "I held him back from going to one of the weddings he wanted to go to." All because I won't "let him hang out with her." Hello?

- And no, I haven't heard her say she wants to be with him specifically but doesn't that song and her actions / words say it all?

 

I laughed about her for 7 months. When we got back together, I made it clear that her snide remarks and attempts to cause trouble were unwelcome.

 

And now this?

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you - !

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you, Dantracht - -

 

Part of me thinks:

It's just myspace. Chill out. It's not like he see's her ever. Not like he's interested in her.

 

This girl is a part of a very large crowd of people we know. He's better friends with most of them than I am. So, not only does it bother me that he accepts her behavior without considering my feelings, but also because to me, she's basically blabbing to the whole group "I like him. His girlfriend isn't good enough for him. I want him" Which that in itself, makes her look very pathetic. But the fact that he doesn't rectify the situation is most likely observed by all. Which to me, bluntly states to everyone in the group that he isn't being respectful. I feel like it makes me look .... pathetic.

[Batya33]

I don't know the reasons for the reconciliation but it seems to me that since this is not the first reconciliation his behavior on this issue does not seem to reflect a strong desire to work on the relationship - and at this point, if it's not strong, then what's the point? On balance, is all the back and forth that's gone on worth what you have now? What strong indications are there that his behavior towards you has changed?

[andyg]

Give him an ultimatum and make part of it that if he chooses to be with you, she is no longer his friend in real life or cyber space because keeping her as a friend in any regard is disrespectful to you. Tell him that once she's gone, it doesn't get brought up again by you or him. That's the best way to move on from this.

[ImThatGirl]

I don't know the reasons for the reconciliation but it seems to me that since this is not the first reconciliation his behavior on this issue does not seem to reflect a strong desire to work on the relationship - and at this point, if it's not strong, then what's the point? On balance, is all the back and forth that's gone on worth what you have now? What strong indications are there that his behavior towards you has changed?

 

I completely understand your thoughts and thank you for asking your questions.

 

We had a huge discussion two weeks ago and decided to give it a go once more. He contacted me.

 

All in all, he's been much different. Attentive, caring, considerate, respectful (no criticism.) We don't see each other nearly as much as we used to either.

 

As I sit and write this, I know it seems as though and may very well be that ... I am giving it another go when I maybe should not have.

 

But, I decided to. One thing that seems to have changed is that he seems less angry at the world about his situation. Before it seemed as though he was angry and not doing well and unwilling to put any effort into a relationship. Which I respected and understood.

 

And of course, just when it felt like I was through the initial healing phase, he started contacting me. We both stated the specific issues we had and made a plan on how to work through those rather than have these immature arguments all the time. But now this. I feel like in a sense he is not sticking to his words (agreement regarding our issues and this girl.)

 

And although he is being great in all other area's, I feel that if his heart was truly in this, he'd rectify the situation immediately.

[Lady Bugg]

I gotta jump in here and say that personally..I think MySpace is the death of relationships to anyone where BOTH partners are on it. One of my employees

is addicted to MySpace..and was telling me today that she had to sign on under her cousins boyfriends name in order to delete a comment she put on HIS page to HIS ex girlfriend!!!! I mean COME ON....Isn;t there enough drama in the REAL world??? In regards to relationships on MySpace..i just think it's a breeding ground for trouble. Just one more forum for people to hurt each other...and screw around.

Sorry if I sound cynical....I wish I could give you more positive advice...

but I feel to encourage it would be like setting you up for failure...and that is NOT my intention at all.....

[ImThatGirl]

I should also note that he's been much more calm and communicative.

 

I must also admit that although I disagreed with the way he handled many things, eventually, my reactions were to make those things huge issues. If I remember that right, it was because he refused to hear me or listen anything I had to say.... And I always got to the point that the issue bothered me so much I'd maybe blow it out of proportion?

 

I'm just trying to figure out a way to handle these issues... without causing a big fuss. But I guess I wouldn't have to cause a big fuss if he would be more considerate?

 

He is highly non-confrontational, very apprehensive in stating his thoughts or requests, and concerned about how people picture him. The fact that he does not address this issue is totally expected. He likes to brush things under the rug and hope they go away.

[ImThatGirl]

I gotta jump in here and say that personally..I think MySpace is the death of relationships to anyone where BOTH partners are on it. One of my employees

is addicted to MySpace..and was telling me today that she had to sign on under her cousins boyfriends name in order to delete a comment she put on HIS page to HIS ex girlfriend!!!! I mean COME ON....Isn;t there enough drama in the REAL world??? In regards to relationships on MySpace..i just think it's a breeding ground for trouble. Just one more forum for people to hurt each other...and screw around.

Sorry if I sound cynical....I wish I could give you more positive advice...

but I feel to encourage it would be like setting you up for failure...and that is NOT my intention at all.....

 

This is a question to all of you but based on the above opinion. Mind you, I like myspace but at the same time hate it because of this stuff.

 

Would it be completely immature to just delete my page and see if he follows suit? Or does the little drama on myspace possibly reflect what would happen over the phone and such if myspace wasn't available?

 

Just something I'm contemplating..... I really Don't want to delete mine. I really DO keep in touch with lots of friends and family through myspace.

 

So on another note, how should I handle this again????

[ImThatGirl]

Give him an ultimatum and make part of it that if he chooses to be with you, she is no longer his friend in real life or cyber space because keeping her as a friend in any regard is disrespectful to you. Tell him that once she's gone, it doesn't get brought up again by you or him. That's the best way to move on from this.

 

 

I sometimes wish Ultimatums were something I agree with, trust me! But I typically like to stay away from ultimatums. Even if I were to do this, and he did delete her and not talk to her anymore, then don't I come accross as the controlling crazy girlfriend?