Is It All Worth It?

[This is Horrible]

hello everyone. first off, let me say that this site and its people have helped me get through this rough patch in my life so much. i really wouldnt be where i am today without ENotAlone. i dont post here too often, but i feel like i came to this realization today and should share it.

 

some may agree and some may not agree with what i have to say, but i would like to hear other's thoughts on it.

 

okay, so here it goes....the question i am asking is is being in a relationship worth it if the good majority of relationships end in breakup (or divorce) and it seems that people just get hurt from it at the end, when being single and happy is just as good as being in a relationship?

 

from my POV, i was dumped on New Years Day this year from a 19 month relationship. the day (and weeks) after this happened I felt like life would never be good again. i was so determined to "win her back" but that feeling has left me and ever since it has left i have been getting better and better very fast. i am not totally healed from this, but i am able to look at things with more of an open mind now and looking back i say to myself why the hell was i so obsessed with just wanting to be in a relationship when there are so many other things that life has to offer, that i can enjoy, that i dont need to be in a relationship to have.

 

these thoughts came to me today on my lunch break. i was walkig around in an out door mall by my job. it was a beautiful day in NY, i was talking to my friends on my cell phone making dinner plans for tonight, plans for the weekend, planning a trip next month....and it has all come to me that the thought that i HAVE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY is like programmed into my head and i am missing out on so many other things that life has to offer and that thought is such a big misconception it is unhealthy and the furthest thing from the truth.

 

at dinner tonight, i saw two friends that i havent seen since the summer. when they saw me over the summer they expressed concern for me. they said i looked stressed and i was a little overweight. to be honest, at that point of the relationship i was so miserable i might as well have just ended it there....but it was programmed into my head that i had to be happy. of course, over the summer, i told my friends that i was fine and explained the stress as nothing more than stuff from work and that was BS i actually believed myself because i thought i was really happy (LOL) because i had the "best girlfriend in the world (bigger LOL)". and i thought the day would never come where i would say this, but although i thought my ex was the perfect GF and that she was going to make the perfect wife for me, that is pure fiction and propaganda i made myself believe out of fear of being viewed as a failure and fear of being unhappy if i didnt have a GF. and to be honest, our values and views on things were so different it would have never worked no matter how hard we tried. i can finally say this and mean it without being afraid of the things i just mentioned because theyre simply not true.

 

today the stress is gone. it left when i let go of the relationship and thought of getting her back about a month ago, and to be honest, it is the best i have felt in so long.

 

this may sound selfish, but NOT being in a relationship allows me to do whatever i want for myself. i dont have to worry about saving money to do things with her...i can buy whatever i want for myself and not worry about it now, or not seeing my friends because i have to attend one of her family functions. it is a sense of freedom i havent had in almost two years, and i forgot what it feels like, but it feels great!

 

today I have slimmed down because i actually have the time to go to the gym 5 or 6 times a week and follow a healthy eating plan because i am not devoting all of my free time to a relationship.

 

at work i am so much more productive because i am not on Instant Message talking to her or checking my e-mail to see what she has written to me. I am getting a lot of work done and am in line for a promotion in September if this keeps up.

 

I do not know if i am just lookng for negatives of being in a relationship, but being single is not the end of the world and i think that this is the life i may opt for over involving myself with someone and having to have to put everything i have into it and get nothing out of it when it's over.

 

if i may add, this is not a bash fest on my ex either. my ex is my ex- she is not a bad person, but at the same time, i want nothing to do with her. she is no longer my problem because she is no longer part of my life. i wish her the best, but i wish everyone in life the best. as far as i am concerned she is nothing to me now.

 

i think that the whole idea that society has that we have to be with someone in order to be happy is the furthest thing from the truth and i think i will stay single for a long time and enjoy what life has to offer without worrying about having a committment to anyone else.

 

if it stays like that forever, so be it. life has so much to offer besides the company of another person, i truly believe that if you do have that person it is like a bonus but not having them doesnt mean that life sucks or that youre a failure.

 

sorry i carried on this long but i feel like i had to type this out tonight.

 

i appreciate feedback from the other posters.

[Jayar]

You'll have this point of view until SHE comes along and you get hit as if by a freight train. And then all of a sudden you're in love, and yes, it's worth it!

 

Think of who you are now... Would you be the same person you are, with as much to offer, without a FEW bad experiences? I look at this forum from time to time, reading posts where young girls (even some slightly older ladies) are making mistakes I made in the past that, yeah, caused my relationships to end. But now I'm better for it. And I suspect that for the one lucky lady that DOES catch you off guard, you're going to be a better partner for her because of lessons you have learned.

 

There are some song lyrics that go:

 

I set out on a narrow way many years ago

Hoping I would find true love along the broken road

But I got lost a time or two

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

 

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You've been there you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

 

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

 

Best of luck... It does get better, my friend.

[melrich]

the question i am asking is is being in a relationship worth it if the good majority of relationships end in breakup (or divorce) and it seems that people just get hurt from it at the end

 

Is it worth buying a hamburger and eating it given that at the end you will have nothing? I think you ask a really interesting question.

 

Is it necessary for a relationship to last forever for it to be judged a success?

 

Could a relationship that has ended have been worthwhile having because whilst it lasted it brought you great pleasure, happiness and fun?

 

I'd answer "no" to the first and "yes" to the second..

[DN]

You ave found out the truth that you should never depend on someone else for your happiness. Only you can make yourself happy - other people can only make you unhappy.

 

That doesn't mean that you can't be happy in a relationship - it means that you don't rely on it for your well-being.

[Cooperstown]

Personally I have found that there alot of things in this life that are absolutely amazing as a single person, however, the greatest joys in life in my opinion would be to share that moment with someone truly special. It's not the things we do, but the bonds we make, humans need others, it's just our nature.

[sweetheart607]

I totally agree you need to be happy with yourself and not dependent. I've always wondered why everyone is so down on being single i always loved being single and i wasn't lonely but saying that i am not single anymore but i am with him cos i want to be with him not cos i need to be and i wouldn't have done it for just anyone. So i say good for you for improving yourself and your life it sounds as if your doing just fine and i think relelationships are worth the pain of the end

[Me and myself]

okay, so here it goes....the question i am asking is is being in a relationship worth it if the good majority of relationships end in breakup (or divorce) and it seems that people just get hurt from it at the end, when being single and happy is just as good as being in a relationship?

 

In my oppinion this is a self-defeatist statment. This means you are closing the doors that allow you to give your love to anyone. My ex had these thoughts too and I could never understand it.

 

this may sound selfish, but NOT being in a relationship allows me to do whatever i want for myself. i dont have to worry about saving money to do things with her...i can buy whatever i want for myself and not worry about it now, or not seeing my friends because i have to attend one of her family functions. it is a sense of freedom i havent had in almost two years, and i forgot what it feels like, but it feels great!

 

today I have slimmed down because i actually have the time to go to the gym 5 or 6 times a week and follow a healthy eating plan because i am not devoting all of my free time to a relationship.

 

at work i am so much more productive because i am not on Instant Message talking to her or checking my e-mail to see what she has written to me. I am getting a lot of work done and am in line for a promotion in September if this keeps up.

 

In a healty relationship, you can do all those things you've mentioned. You have the power to choose what you want to do and your gf, if she really loves you, should allow you to do them without any questions. Of course the same goes for her. Love is not about ownership or to imprison someone, it's about freedom and understanding. The reason why so many relationships end in a break-up, is because one, or both parties, can't think like that. I confess that I don't think that way too, still, but I've realized that this is the way to go...that's a difficult one, but the only one.

Of course, this may increase all the opportunities for the people involved to screw it up but...you know, you can't control anyone and, it they are to screw it up (or you), it will happen sooner or later. So the outcome is the same.

 

I do not know if i am just lookng for negatives of being in a relationship, but being single is not the end of the world and i think that this is the life i may opt for over involving myself with someone and having to have to put everything i have into it and get nothing out of it when it's over.

 

You always get something from a relationship. I also tend to think about all the negatives first but that's not the only thing that there was. There were the good things too. During a relationship, if you feel you are giving everything and don't receive nothing in return, maybe that's not an healty relationship. You should not expect nothing in return. The problem here is that the other person can not give.

[distroyed one]

I think that blessed are the persons who can enjoy in moment and turn around and go on without turning back or regret.. I feel good when I'm alone, I don't need a man to entertain me, take me out, pay my bills or buy me stuff.. I can do that on my own, but what I need is love that will help me go through another day.. Yes, there are different kinds of love, our parents loves us, friends too, siblings who has them.. But life goes on, we loose our parents although we would like them to live forever, our friends leave town, or just have their own families and we can only talk once or twice a week.. Siblings too.. And we are all alone all of a sudden.. No one is there to tell you nice word, comfort you when you feel bad, even to smile with you, share good times and bad times.. And that hurts, hurts like hell.. I have my work, sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't, but I'm good at that, that's my carrier that I've picked and I will do it the best I can.. I have lots of hobbies, sports, books, painting, my day is fulfilled.. I allways had time for what I really wanted to do.. Had a relationship, 2,5 years and he cheated on me.. Broke up after that past summer.. I felt so bad, so destroyed all those months that I just couldn't put myself together again.. Nothing seemed bright about my future, had mixed emotions, mix of regret for not having him near and disappointment with people and love.. How can someone do such a thing to another person, is that what you get in return for loving someone with all your heart? Three weeks ago my father died of heart attack, and I'm so angry of myself for spending last months of his life in grief for my broken relationship.. Instead of spending time with my dad I cried all days long for my bad luck.. But no return now.. I'm alone with my mom now, realizing that past summer didn't bring me loss, for ex didn't care for me, real loss is not having my dad beside me.. I think that parents are the only people that can love you sincerely.. Giving love to someone else makes you turn your head of people and things that are really important to you, you become so vulnerable and people take advantage of it.. I will never let myself fall in love again, it made me completely different person from what I am, with mistaken priorities.. You become blind for everything else in this world, not living in reality.. When I look around there is no a single couple that I would say for " Oh they have great relationship".. Everyone is cheating everyone, saying on one hand "I love you" and then look whats there around to find.. Having that someone is maybe social standard, and I'm not afraid to confront it by being single.. What I'm disappointed about this world is lack of decency, love and dignity.. You can trust yourself and no one else.. It's not worth it having some period of happiness when you spend twice as long time in pain and regret.. And after a while you can see that it wasn't happiness after all, it wasn't love it was illusion that you saw because you wanted it to be true..

[Thornycactus]

Think of it as a "sanity break"....................and believe it or not........it actually seems worse as you get older...............now your in an even larger pool of people who have been thru the wringer and like you on high alert for any possible hurt............just realize you are not alone.....the woman/man you go out with more than likely will have a past............previous beaus, exs and even children........................it's just a stage or learning phase like so many in our lives......................the trick I believe is, yes above all, move on with your life.............love yourself....................but most of all remain a positive person.................cause "like attracts like".............................if your damaged and cynical...........this is what you will attract.....................if you have learned that, perhaps your not the only person whose been hurt, used and disregarded, you'll be more open to helping the next love interest achieve their potential.......................................and believe me...............the favour will be returned.

 

****My sincere condolences to you distroyed one on the lost of your father

TC

[distroyed one]

Thank you Thornycactus..

[Me and myself]

Distroyed one

 

I'm sorry for your father...

Thornycactus gave you a really good solution...have you ever seen the movie "The Secret"? Even if you don't believe in it, it will make you feel good, much more positive.

I can notice so much negativity in your post...A litle bit more than a month ago I said exactly what you are saying now, that this romantic guy doesn't exist anymore..Well, today I think differently...The romantic guy still exists but it's more carefull, more wise, more aware about the signs and, more than anything else, much more aware about what I want. I won't shut the door to love again, just like I've said some time ago...I'm willing to gite it a try but I won't throw myself into a relationship the same way I did before. That's the big difference before and after the break-up...That way you are thinking right now is only a stage of the healing process...you will fine tune it and will adapt your thinking to your life. Don't worry...you will love again.

[distroyed one]

I will look for that movie, haven't seen it yet.. This past relationship made me not even wanting to meet someone, because I can't keep distanced from someone I love, I give all my heart and if all I got in return after 2,5 years was disrespect and cheating why would I do it again.. And it is true, all around me I only see false love, people are together because of material resons, other interests.. Only several couples I know that are religious have some kind of respect for each other not looking for someone else.. And that is sad in some way, they are not behaving that way because they feel it in their hearts, but it seems to me because they are affraid of Gods punishment.. There is no point in loving someone when you have to be on caution all the time, looking for signs of deceit, not attaching to that someone so you could easily continue your life when that someone leaves..

This life goes by so fast..

[SarahRose]

I am down on relationships too. For good reason. There is a period of time when they are great and then they just start to decline so then the unhappy times outweigh the happy times.

 

Sure we will heal and love again. Time makes us forget and new love makes us giddy but it all ends up the same after awhile.

 

I look back over the years and find I am much happier overall alone than in a relationship.

[Me and myself]

I will look for that movie, haven't seen it yet.

 

You can watch it for free link removed.

 

There is no point in loving someone when you have to be on caution all the time, looking for signs of deceit, not attaching to that someone so you could easily continue your life when that someone leaves.

 

Remember, if you think negatively, your body will follow your mind and, unconsciently, you will do everything to fail. These kind of negative feelings are what is called "Preparation for faillure". Try to think positive, everytime you think about negative things, substitute those feelings for something positive or neutral...

Please note this is not theory, it's a scientific fact and a method used in psychology. Why don't you try it?

[distroyed one]

You can watch it for free link removed.

 

 

 

Remember, if you think negatively, your body will follow your mind and, unconsciently, you will do everything to fail. These kind of negative feelings are what is called "Preparation for faillure". Try to think positive, everytime you think about negative things, substitute those feelings for something positive or neutral...

Please note this is not theory, it's a scientific fact and a method used in psychology. Why don't you try it?

 

Well, you can call me pesimist, but I would rather call this a realistic point of view, it is just based on my experience.. Everytime I expected good things to happen and thought that nothing can go wrong in the end it appeared that things can go wrong in many ways, and they usually do.. I was telling everyone how I have a great job and after a while * * * * *y boss came along and made it living hell.. I felt like I'm in a good relationship and that I've found someone to build my future life with, in the end it appeared that he cheated on me.. And so on with examples.. That shows me that things were different from what I've seen and what I expected.. Didn't know all the facts, lived in a lie, that I have good position in firm, that I'm loved by the man I love.. Maybe it is my carma and I can't run away from it.. It is much easier to be optimistic and happy when your life is in some kind of order, when you feel inner happiness.. I feel alone, loosing one way or the other everyone I love and care for.. Sometimes I wonder why did I try so hard about my education, work, whats the point, we spend our whole life running for jobs, money, "love", and in the end we dont have those emotions, our money can't save the ones we love.. Empty shells..

[Me and myself]

Everytime I expected good things to happen and thought that nothing can go wrong in the end it appeared that things can go wrong in many ways, and they usually do.

 

High expectations..I was a victim of that also in my last relationship. I've learned that putting a lot of expectations in a relationship is the perfect recipe for a major heartbrake....That doesn't mean that you won't try to give your best, you just don't have to think that your best will give you a better outcome...sometimes, it won't.

[hockeyboy]

this may sound selfish, but NOT being in a relationship allows me to do whatever i want for myself.

 

I really think its important for everyone to have a time in their lives when they are completely single and completely free. I had been in serious relationships up until I was almost 23 years old. After that I was single for quite some time and really enjoyed it. Once I got rid of that feeling that I "needed" someone in my life to be happy, I was able to really do a lot that I could never have done before.

 

Once your happy in your own life, it will make you that much better of a bf/gf when you do enter a relationship. Rather then feeling like you "need" a relationship, you'll feel like you want it but are willing to accept it when it happens.

 

Enjoy the single life and do the things you want to do. I know that I wouldn't have done a lot of things I've gottent to do if I stayed in either of my first serious relationships.