Public Affection

[amystar]

Hi everyone,

 

This is just kind of a random post. My bf and I have been together for 2.5 years. When we're out in public, with friends, or at school, he completely stays away from me.

 

I mean he doesn't like to hold hands, put his arm around me, absoloutely nothing! I'm lucky to get a smile from him where there are other people around. When people find out we're dating, their reactions are usually...."what? no way...you guys don't look like your dating." Guys have even asked me out right in front of him........then they start apologizing when I tell them he's my boyfriend.

 

When we're alone though, he acts completely different. He's very affectionate and loving. He used to act more affectionate in public when we first started dating. When I asked him why he stoped, he said..."I don't have to do that anymore, you know I love you know and it's not really me to do that".

 

Sometimes I feel completely ignored by him when we're with other people, it makes me feel kind of hurt sometimes.

 

I was just wondering if anybody else has a partner like this or if there is a way to get them to pay a little attention....... I mean I don't want to make out in public or anything.....but just an arm around me every once in a while would be nice. I love him and accept him for who he is, I guess I get a little insecure about this.

 

Thanks for reading.

[prozzack]

i think you should let him know you feel that way

[Akatea]

SO know where you're coming from. My BF is not affectionate most of the time. I on the other hand am very affectionate and need my cuddles. However, I knew this about my BF when I started dating him and after trying to get my point accross that I need affection to no avail, I understood that some people are just not affectionate. S doesn't hold hands, doesn't cuddle a lot (unless I initiate it) and is not very affectionate. But I understand this now and don't push the issue. I initiate most of the affection in our relationship, but Im happy because when I initiate it, I get it back. You have two choices. You either accept that he is not one of those mushy cuddly cuddly boys, and just initiate most things yourself, or you find another boyfriend who is as affectionate as you want him to b. Harsh I know, but ultimately, you can't change someone who doesn't want to change for themselves...

[melrich]

Some people just aren't comfortable with displaying their affection in public. I know, for example, my partner is far more comfortable with it than I am. It's just the way of some people I think.

[EvaGina]

Personaly, I find if someone gives you LESS attention than they give their friends, then its embarrassing.

fair enough if he doesnt want to make out in public, but I couldnt handle being with someone who gave me nothing.

 

My ex was like that.. we went to town one night (you remember this Akatea?) and he told Akatea he loved her, gave her all these cuddles, MADE OUT with a guy mate of ours, but wouldnt even talk to me, and if I tried to sit next to him he would blow up at me and storm off...

 

yeah, I couldnt do it again.

If Im not good enough for your mates, what are you doing with me?

[Leonhart]

A lot of guys (and some girls) don't like PDAs. I'm sure if's nothing personal. Tell him how you feel and maybe you can come to some sort of compromise.

[Akatea]

Sure do! He was a doodle anyways We both know where he ended up

[Cooperstown]

I was/am the guy you are talking about, I'd like to think I've grown as a person and I'm not so bad anymore, but to be honest I haven't been put to the test in quite awhile. I think the reasoning behind this is simple, atleast it was in my case. I wasn't comfortable with the situation, I believe affection was something I shared with her and not the world, it was my soul to share with her and her only. I am a guarded person and I will admit I definetly act different when in the presense of the few people I truly trust then when out with people I know moderately well. The thing is you don't realize how it hurts the person your with to do that to them. I never understood until conversations after with ex's telling me that it really hurt them. That bothered me, I thought I was giving them something in special by only showing that side of me to them, however, in there eyes I was saying to everyone else that you're only good enough to be mine in private. Talk to him, tell him how you feel and be specific why you feel that way. Ask him if he knows he loves you, why can't he show his love for you to other people? It's not a comfortable thing to do for him, but if he really cares and he sees it hurt you he will change when he's ready. So talk to him and just give him some time, let him know it's important to you.

[EvaGina]

-has a heart attack-

for a second, Cooper, I thought you were saying you were my ex!!

[Cooperstown]

Atleast I know it now, gotta take everything in stride and learn from your mistakes. I'm definetely a better person for it so I'd like to thank my ex's for dealing with my crap Oh one last thing, if you notice a change, casually say something later that night when it's just the two of you. If you freak out about it and make a big deal about it, it may make him uncomfortable again to the point where he may not wanna do it. I started making those changes with an ex, but she made such a big deal of it that it made me not want to do it anymore.

[Akatea]

Oh my god, so did I

[amystar]

Thanks for that insight Cooperstown. I have talked to him about it before, he says it is just not who he is. It got the point where I just asked him whether or not he was totally sure that he loved me. Of course he replied that he did and got a little upset that I could even think such a thing. I know he is capable of being affectionate, he did it at the beginning of our relationship!

 

And like you said, he does just does not realize that it really hurts me sometimes.

 

I'm starting to think that this is something I will just have to put up with if I want to be with him.

[amystar]

Personaly, I find if someone gives you LESS attention than they give their friends, then its embarrassing.

fair enough if he doesnt want to make out in public, but I couldnt handle being with someone who gave me nothing.

 

My ex was like that.. we went to town one night (you remember this Akatea?) and he told Akatea he loved her, gave her all these cuddles, MADE OUT with a guy mate of ours, but wouldnt even talk to me, and if I tried to sit next to him he would blow up at me and storm off...

 

yeah, I couldnt do it again.

If Im not good enough for your mates, what are you doing with me?

 

Wow, that is pretty bad! I'm glad you broke up with him.

[amystar]

I'm glad there are other people out there in similar relationships. My bf initiates affection when we're alone. But considering we both go to school full time and work, that doesn't leave very much alone time for us so some affection in school or when were out would go a long way for me. But youre right, I'm probably just going to have to accept it. Thanks. :sad:

[EvaGina]

Wow, that is pretty bad! I'm glad you broke up with him.

 

lol

I didnt

its a horrible story, not for this thread

 

but thanks anyways

[Cooperstown]

Thanks for that insight Cooperstown. I have talked to him about it before, he says it is just not who he is. It got the point where I just asked him whether or not he was totally sure that he loved me. Of course he replied that he did and got a little upset that I could even think such a thing. I know he is capable of being affectionate, he did it at the beginning of our relationship!

 

And like you said, he does just does not realize that it really hurts me sometimes.

 

I'm starting to think that this is something I will just have to put up with if I want to be with him.

 

 

I didn't realize till after it was over how much it really hurt them, he's going to be upset because he really does love you and you mean the world to him just he doesn't show it the ways you like. Here's a great quote when you have doubts, be strong and give him time. Just make sure he knows how much it hurts you, that is important.

 

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

 

Hope that helps

[amystar]

I didn't realize till after it was over how much it really hurt them, he's going to be upset because he really does love you and you mean the world to him just he doesn't show it the ways you like. Here's a great quote when you have doubts, be strong and give him time. Just make sure he knows how much it hurts you, that is important.

 

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

 

Hope that helps

 

Wow, those are some powerful words. I hope you are right because I'm starting to have some serious doubts about our relationship. I love him so dearly and don't want to leave him, but I get so frustrated sometimes. I hope it all works out, I'll give him time and hope it works out. Thanks for your insights.

[treefrogkate]

Talk to him about it, without being accusatory. Try to let him know why you like the affection, not just "You don't hold my hand!" but "I feel like a million bucks when you hold my hand because everyone knows I'm your girl" (or something a little less cheesy maybe).

 

FWIW, my ex was like this. You wouldn't know it by looking at us that we were even dating, much less engaged. He also used to hush me if I laughed too loud in public, and always seemed embarrassed by me. Needless to say, I eventually grew a pair and showed him the door.