NC- Do They Think We Have Given Up?

[macgyver4ever]

I think NC is great, it helps you gain your strength and life back, and at the same time gives your ex time to miss you and think about things. If you keep pushing, the go away.

 

But here is the dilemma I have been having. Does my ex think that because I have stopped all contact that I have given up? If you really want something in life, you fight for it, and by rolling over and playing dead, I feel that in some ways I have given up.

 

I shouldn't want my ex back, I know this, but I have had a month on my own, with only speaking to her 1 time on the phone. She cried for no reason, so I KNOW she still loves me. In this time, I have dated others, messed around a little, and sowed my oats enough to fully realize how much I loved my ex, and still want to be with her. Trusting her again is another issue completely since she did cheat on me.

 

So does a dumper think that because their ex is not contacting them that they have given up, or don't care anymore? Or are they only thinking that you have moved on and are happy and don't need them?

 

I know my ex misses me, at least at times, and is with this other guy and drinking all the time to try to bury the memories, but does she think I gave up?

 

Would contacting her at some point be a good idea, so she knows how I feel? I am still dating others, trying to move on, and know that my ex treated me bad and might do it again. I can't get hurt again, but might be willing to risk it if she got the help she needs.

 

Advice, opinions? Thanks!

[Dubb]

I was worried my ex would forget me or think I gave up but then I realized why do I care what they think? Girls don't just forget guys. They pretty much make mental notes about each guy. If your ex is in another relationship right now you can be assured she is comparing you to the new guy. If you stop wondering what she thinks and just focus on you, eventually you will not care if she is thinking about you.

[darkpumpkin]

Yes. I have felt the same way....every time I've been in a relationship with someone. What you can choose to do is focus on you with the thought. If I am so easy to forget then really what would I be going back to.

Psst: If they want to try again that bad no matter how it was left they will not let "he's forgotten about me" stop them. I have contacted people I was a complete and utter sub-human being to after a certain amount of time because I wanted to try and be friends with them again.

[zippitt]

Well the NC thing backfired on me once. She basically told me if I really wanted to work things out I would have called her more often. Guess she felt a little neglected, it's too bad looking back at it as I now realize how much she really loved me.

 

Mac - I just have to say your Avatar is freaking hilarious.

[hockeyboy]

Ok, so right now you want her back, but at the same time you know that you have to work on yourself and heal, right?

 

What makes you think she needs to know how you feel about her right now? Will that do you any good? I don't think so. Her not knowing you want her back is not a bad thing and that will not hurt your chances of getting back with her. If anything, it will help.

 

You can contact her at some point, if you still want to. Usually in my case I say I won't talk to an ex for an extended period of time and then I'll gradually start talking to her again and do this and that and win her back. I always have this big plan. Thing is, once that time comes, I really don't want to contact her again.

 

Wait until your over her...if you still want to contact her, do so. If not, then dont.

 

This is how my favorite movies starts (Swingers). It's comical, but there is a lot of truth in it.

 

link removed: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?

link removed: You don't call.

link removed: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.

link removed: Right.

link removed: So I don't call either way?

link removed: Right.

link removed: So what's the difference?

link removed: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.

link removed: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?

link removed: Right.

link removed: Well that sucks.

link removed: Yeah, it sucks.

link removed: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?

link removed: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.

link removed: What do you mean?

link removed: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.

link removed: Well what if she comes back first?

link removed: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

link removed: There's the rub.

link removed: There's the rub.

[hockeyboy]

Well the NC thing backfired on me once. She basically told me if I really wanted to work things out I would have called her more often. Guess she felt a little neglected, it's too bad looking back at it as I now realize how much she really loved me.

 

Mac - I just have to say your Avatar is freaking hilarious.

 

I'm assuming she broke things off.

 

Why not tell her if she really wanted things to work out, she wouldn't have broken up with you. And if she really wanted to fix that, she'd call you more often.

 

Don't let her put it all on you.

[MasterT]

Made my day. I've gotta get a copy of that movie now.

[hockeyboy]

i highly recommend it. it's funny, but it also does help put things in perspective.

[darkpumpkin]

Same here. Wow had N/c put so many ways but never that way. Really makes sense though

[hockeyboy]

it is so true too. ive experienced it a few times.

 

theres a part in the movie when the character meets a new girl. he gets so anxious and calls her like a million times when he gets home from the bar he just met her at.

 

ive been there, though not as bad as this guy was (they exaggerate it to make it funny). But its also a good reminder as to why most of should not try to date right after a breakup.

 

You may not think people can see your pain, but usually your more transparent then you think.

[drum4god]

Here is my thought. If someone really loves you, nothing is going to stop them from trying to get back with you. Especially if they were the dumpers. If anything, thinking you gave up will put a little fear in them, and cause them to contact you.

 

When I get tempted to call my ex (who dumped me). I say to myself, don't I deserve someone to be nuts about me. Shouldn't they work for me, the way I worked for them? I don't want someone who is unsure. I don't want have to talk, or coerce into someone loving me.

 

Sure you can call them and you may even win them over, but it will only be temporary. My ex-ex girlfriend did it with me, and I went back with her. I am ashamed to say I did it more out of pity, than love. It was killing me, she was hurting so bad, and I wanted to take the pain away. So I went back with her, only to hurt her worse the 2nd time around.

 

Dude, try not to worry if she thought you gave up. Chances are if she thought you gave up and wanted to get back with you, she would call you to find out for sure. Think about it. Put yourself in her shoes. If your really loved someone you dumped, and thought they gave up. Wouldn't you try and find out for sure if that were the case. You wouldn't just assume that, and give up losing the love of your life. Would you? Probably not.

 

Continue with NC, and get well for yourself. I know you still love her, but the truth is she cheated on you. That fact alone should write her off. Chances are if she did it once she will do it again. Do you really want that? Don't sell yourself short. Nobody is worth losing your self dignity over. NOBODY

 

Be honest with yourself, and ask yourself, What do you want? I did this the other day, and the more I reflected I realized I didn't really want my ex back. Yeah, it would be nice to have her back changed, but the reality is that rarely happens. They will change for a few months, and the same problems you had will come up again.

 

I hope I didn't come off negative. That wasn't my intention. I just want you to see you deserve better. Thats all.

[Wotgorilla]

If she cheated on you, I wouldn't waste time wondering what she's thinking. Have fun, focus on your life, and move on. I've been cheated on several times by girlfriends over the years to know "once a cheater, always a cheater" is very true. Stick to NC forever, it'll make her realize what she lost,

it's working for me!

[MasterT]

Here is my thought. If someone really loves you, nothing is going to stop them from trying to get back with you. Especially if they were the dumpers. If anything, thinking you gave up will put a little fear in them, and cause them to contact you.

 

I totally agree with that sentiment.

[maladjusted]

so does the opposite hold true if you were the dumper. i ex has issues she has not dealt with and i finally got tired of feeling frustrated and knew we were just at different places. one night she did something that was very immature so i ended it. so again do you think:

 

"If someone really loves you, nothing is going to stop them from trying to get back with you" regardless of who dumped who?

[macgyver4ever]

Here is why I don't think she has contacted me:

 

1. She doesn't want to hurt me anymore. She has cheated on me 2 times now, and strung me along for 2 months trying to make a decision on whom she wanted to be with. She eventually choose him because I think they had messed around and I told her if they did that I did not want her back. She knows if she came back she would have to tell me that, and would hurt me more.

2. She is enjoying being free, partying, and in an exciting relationship. He lives in downtown Chicago, I live in the 'burbs. I cannot offer the fun and adventure as much as he does. She also works with this guy, and sees him everyday. It's convenient, and still in the Honeymoon stage. Butterflies and new experiences.

3. She's very stubborn and full of pride. She hates to say "sorry."

4. Her parents want us to be together, and she is rebellious. She wants to prove everyone wrong that she can do better than me.

5. She knows it will hurt her to call me and she will cry. She is tired of crying.

 

Those are the "excuses" I have given her for not calling me. I could also give you all of the "excuses" I gave her for cheating on me.

 

I plan on staying with NC, but at sometime, if I still feel this way, will let her know how I feel. I love her unconditionally. It's sick.

[Wotgorilla]

Sometimes love isn't enough.....

[hockeyboy]

macgyver,

 

Go watch Swingers and let me know what you think.

 

I think many of us have felt what your feeling right now. You want something that you shouldn't want and you probably know that you shouldn't want it. It's normal.

 

What do you really miss though? Her or the the girl you thought she was?

 

Who do you really love? Her or the girl you thought she was?

 

Those are important questions and I think the answer will come clearer in time.

 

I've always thought that the "right one" for me would never be capable of hurting me that way I've been hurt by exes in the past...the way you feel now.

 

Now, years down the road, could you cross paths and both be different people? Sure...but you can't count on that, nor should you think about it. I don't expect you to now, but eventually you will let go of all this. Only then will you have a good chance with her...and even when that comes, I think its much much much more likely you'll find yourself happier with someone else.

 

A girl once broke up w/ me after 4 years. It hurt like hell. She ran around town "dating" everyone it seemed like, people I knew really well. She hurt me over and over and I still wanted her back. I eventually let go and moved on. She came back..crying, wanting to try again. I loved her deeply, but had to say no. I believe people can get back together, but at some point to much damage has been caused. I drew a line and we crossed that line.

 

You draw your own line. When is it enough?

[Wotgorilla]

Hockey, I couldn't have said it better myself. You tend to glass over the negatives, don't fall into that.

[macgyver4ever]

Go watch Swingers and let me know what you think.

 

What do you really miss though? Her or the the girl you thought she was?

 

Who do you really love? Her or the girl you thought she was?

 

Those are important questions and I think the answer will come clearer in time.

 

A girl once broke up w/ me after 4 years. It hurt like hell. She ran around town "dating" everyone it seemed like, people I knew really well. She hurt me over and over and I still wanted her back. I eventually let go and moved on. She came back..crying, wanting to try again. I loved her deeply, but had to say no. I believe people can get back together, but at some point to much damage has been caused. I drew a line and we crossed that line.

 

You draw your own line. When is it enough?

 

I'll watch Swingers this weekend. I tried to find it at Blockbuster last week, but couldn't find it.

 

I was with my ex 4 years as well. She kissed my roommate last April, 3 weeks before I was going to propose. That hurt, but not as much as losing her forever.

 

I miss the girl I knew for 3.5 years. I miss her more than anything. The person she has become is not someone I want to know, and I know this. She needs to want to change back to the person she was, not to make other people happy, but because she was a better person; a better daughter. I loved that girl with all my heart. This new girl, not so much. She's not my type.

 

You have an idea what I'm going through. I am trying to get to the point you are. I care too much and am way too forgiving. I've been blessed with extreme patience, but I need to draw a line. I did. I actually broke up with her 2 times; once to say I did not want to talk to her, another to never talk to me until he was gone. She came running back, but changed her mind when I wouldn't give her space to still see the other guy.

 

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate the honest feedback, and being put in my place. It hurts, but I'm used to getting hurt by now!

[hockeyboy]

You should be able to find it, or even buy it for 10 bucks or so.

 

I do know how you feel and I am much like you. My ex started hanging around some guy at her school. I didn't like it, but she got mad saying the cliche "were just friends." Well, we break up and within a week she was with him, then dating another guy and another. She didn't care how I felt. I remember her laughing at me one time when I was crying. That stuck in my mind.

 

I started dating a new girl, she was great (though a rebound). The ex came to me crying, wanting me back. Stupid me..went back. That didn't last more then a week and things went right back to how they were. Eventually I really moved on and started seeing someon else more seriously. I remember her calling and calling...crying and crying. She wanted me back, I said no. Then she got all angry, cussed me out, and even had her father call me to threaten me.

 

I realized...she didn't want me, she wanted to control me. She wanted me to beg and plead for her while she was off running around. Too bad, so sad.

 

Respect in a huge part of any relationship. I was disrespected..and what is worse is she had no intention of apologizing or changing. How was it supposed to work then?

 

I am a very forgiving person. I'll forgive anyone for almost anything. You can forgive your ex, that's fine. However, that does not mean you have to just accept her actions.

 

Also...if you just went back to her or chased her right now, how do you think she'd look at you. Not with more respect, I promise you that. If you want to be respected, start with yourself, respect yourself. That means telling her to go screw. (you can keep that to yourself..but dont forget it).

 

You were with her for a long time. You love her, and you will probably always love her. I love my ex. However, that love changes, it evolves into something else. It takes time, but you'll get there.

 

 

Your ex strikes me in the same way. She was seeing this other guy but refused to stop? C'mon now. You deserve WAY BETTER then that.

[Wotgorilla]

So right hockey!

[blender]

The "I love her unconditionally" is NOT healthy unless that is a two way street of shared values and standards.... because you certainly have a "condition" regrading "cheating on you" I HOPE.... right?

 

So just know that for right now there is no self respecting reason to contact her. Take time to re-gain your full perspective on all this.

 

She's not "asking you why you are not calling".. so there is no reason to give her an explanation.. because if the EX is NOT asking, then you can rest assure they are not wanting to hear about it right now.. wait it out, heal yourself, and when you know that you do not have any "expectations" and you are emoitonally no longer so vulnerable or "sick' as you put it... then maybe you might want to contact her,

 

but for now, remember she violated your trust.. what has she directly done since that time to say or indicate that her intentions are sincere in an effort to do the following, "let's make this work as a couple, I'm sorry, I will never cheat on you again, I've taken some time to realize and discovered that I do love you, and I know now that I want to be with you exclusively, do you think you could forgive me and give "us" another chance". If she has not said anything close to this, then it's time for you to let go and let god.. (remember your OWN sentiment that if you love someone you fight for it, well that is up to her to choose to do, considering the circumstances of the break up don't you think?)

 

for now take care of YOURSELF..one day at a time, keeping your heart open to any possibliities for your future... you're going to be okay, you are wise to set some values and standards for your own heart, even if it means you have to be sad for a while and "miss the habit of having her in your life" for now.. because to try to keep her in your life at this moment would be "losing a precious part of yourself"..and that is never worth it.. so just know that for today you are doing the right thing for yourself by maintaining no contact.. until you are emotionally healed on your own first... and then you can make a choice about whether to contact her anytime in the future...

[macgyver4ever]

Thanks Blender,

 

We used to have the same values and standards; both catholic, and wanted the same things in life. After cheating and realizing that not only was I going to propose, but she ruined it, she FREAKED OUT. She got cold feet I guess, and started realizing she was young and because she was immature and cheated, how could she mature enough to get married?

 

I won't contact her now. I am talking about someday, in a month or more. I'm going to try to get to 60 days (I'm at 12 now!). I should have any "old habit" feelings out of my system by then. I should also have a good head on my shoulders and my life in some order.

 

I wish my ex would come back to me saying what you wrote. I would break down in tears. That is everything I would need to hear, even though I basically heard it once before, but with no emotion behind it.

 

 

I would like to know a dumper's perspective on this. How would you feel if you heard nothing from you ex, someone you know is in love with you, and did nothing wrong to you?

[anggrace]

Macguyver4ever

I have been in that position. I felt sad for the loss, but felt he was moving on. I was too. I felt I had done the right thing. It made it easier not having him pleading for me to give us another go.

[rsxguy520]

I was worried my ex would forget me or think I gave up but then I realized why do I care what they think? Girls don't just forget guys. They pretty much make mental notes about each guy. If your ex is in another relationship right now you can be assured she is comparing you to the new guy. If you stop wondering what she thinks and just focus on you, eventually you will not care if she is thinking about you.

 

 

exactly...