i have not made my life a success

[mintblossom]

this upsets me. my life isn't a success. to me.

 

i mean.....i've gotten bullied. miss being a child. went through the awkward teenage years very very awkwardly. went through depression. abuse. ended up pretty much friendless. not super pretty, not ugly. not super smart but not stupid. just a high school degree, no undergrad one yet. haven't accomplished anything. gained like 15 lbs since last year. met abusive men. sigh. have a run of the mill job. dont dress that well. bleh. dont have that many great memories. not as bad off as some, not as well off as others.

 

what is success?

 

i feel like i can't get it together where it's in school, work, relationships, etc...........................help. don't know what to do. i just can't get it together. i don't know how to get to where i want to be. or if i can even do. is it normal to doubt so much?

 

wah.

[Batya33]

It's fine to have a pity party once in awhile, but what plans do you have to improve your life? How detailed/specific are those plans? Are the plans doable/manageable or do you overwhelm yourself with "shoulds" and sabotage those plans?

 

I had to do a lot of things that scared me silly, shed a lot of tears, get a lot of paper cuts, lose a lot of sleep and lose some "friends" in order to get the degree I wanted, the job I wanted and the "me" I wanted. I had to work really hard on myself (a continuing process) in order to be the kind of friend I wanted to be and to have the friends I have. That is not to say I feel good about myself all the time, but a reasonable amount of the time. If I wanted I could focus on the fact that at 40 I am not married/have no children and obviously my time is running out to have a biological child.

 

What helped me - which is sad, but it did - is when one of my closest friends died 2 years ago of cancer. She had a big heart, a career that helped so many people, a loving husband who married her after she was diagnosed, and her death left such a hole in so many lives. These days, when I have a pity party I put it in perspective. She doesn't get to be here (although she lives on in my heart and the hearts of many others) and I do. Enough said. Perhaps you can find analogous perspective from your own life.

[Locke2121]

Teardrops....look, yesterday doesn't matter, tomorrow isn't here yet. TODAY is all that matters in our lives. If you wake up thinking that your life is a waste, your wrong, you can only waste today. All you need to do is find one thing, one good thing that you can do for yourself, or even better, someone else.

 

If you can do that one good thing, your whole outlook can change. Help an old lady cross the street when you normally wouldn't, drop that spare dollar in the homeless person's hand, help some overloaded mom unload her shopping cart while she screams at her kids!

 

When you start to do good things...after a while thats all you start to remember! You talk about yourself feeling bad all the time, and how it alters your perceptions of yourself. Want to know what I see? I see a strong, vibrant, caring person who wants to change but can't quite take that next step.

 

I see someone who has been used and abused, but refuses to fully give up their self-respect. I've seen this person get fired up from time to time, fighting back against the apathy that always looms over them, and I give a cheer.

 

You're so strong teardrops...I know it, and I'm pretty sure you do as well!

 

Now go do that good deed!

[Alabama]

You're life isn't over yet, is it? You still have a bunch of chances to do all that you haven't accomplished yet; lose that 15 pds. if you want to, go try to educate yourself to get a better job, learn more about fashion, etc. The point is you still have a chance to improve yourself...so do it.

[talo]

Teardrops, your post reminds me of when I was unemployed and went to see the local unemployment office. It soon became clear to me that they only recognised, or found value in me, if I was looking for or had a job. They saw no value in me whatsoever as I was or am.

 

I was lucky, I did not value myself as they did, my definition of value or success was not the same as theirs.

 

Society puts all sorts of definitions out there of value or success. Don't buy into this except on a very superficial level. You are of value/success just as you are before you or they start defining you.

 

So, as seen here, getting it together, being where you want to be, is beyond doubt; it is being what you are prior to definition. Being defined is not your true self; the defined self is a particular view of yourself. You can always change that view.