I feel like I'm in limbo

[Optimistica777]

I met a man over 1 1/2 yr. ago. He had been separated from his wife over 3 yrs. when I met him. He filed for divorce about 4 months ago, but because of a business and property it is taking longer. We love each other and have discussed marriage. I've been divorced for over 30 yrs., we're both 60. I feel so impatient and don't know what to do. Living together is out of the question for me [been there, done that]. I would like to do things the right way. Any suggestions on how to cope with this? It probably sounds silly, but I am having a tough time. Any response would be appreciated. Thanks

[Hayles]

I'm in a similar situation - my man and I are younger (I'm 26 and he's 34), but we're stuck in a limbo land also....

How I have come to terms with the fact that for right now things have to be this way is - while ever I know that he genuinely does want the same future, and while ever I can see that each day we are a step closer - it's worth the wait!!! I used to doubt him a little, think he was making excuses for not moving forward, but truly - there's nothing we can do for now, we just have to make the most of what we do have!!! We have been doing this for 3 years now, it geats hard and I get all consumed by the need to move forward, but at the end of the day - I know patience will be the wonning factor!

[Batya33]

Well, he is a married man still - separated is still married - and this is one reason not to date still married men - because he cannot really commit to you. Even if it was totally financial, he chose to stay in the marriage - when the divorce is final, don't be surprised if he wants to try being single for awhile because it likely will make a difference- the piece of paper that is a divorce decree, just like the marriage certificate made a difference and still does.

 

My advice - tell him to contact you one year after the divorce is final - let him be single for a year, socialize as a single person - stay in touch casually, once a month, check in. That might seem impossible but that is a good way to ensure that when he comes back to you he will be ready for a commitment.

 

Don't follow my advice - it comes directly from Dr. Joy Browne's one year rule - she gets so many calls on her radio show similar to yours and her one year rule makes a lot of sense (I am sure she has a web site too and I know she has written books on the subject)

[hardcharger]

not sure what you are asking? how to cope. well, you are pretty much going to have to go on how it is, divorce can take a very long time, you don't want to live with him and I absolutely respect that, but you are just going to have to "cope". it is limbo land. divorce twists everything around.

[Optimistica777]

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate your opinions. Batya33, he was living like a single man 3 yrs. before I met him. He dated, had a relationship and was not happy, but when we met we clicked and make each other very happy. It's not like he just left his wife and met me. We are 60 and don't want to play the field. We spend 4 nights a week together, but the other nights are lonely and I miss him. It might seem wrong, but I'm optimistic. Just impatient. If after his divorce things don't go in the direction that he says he wants and I want, I won't stick around for long.

[Hayles]

You've just given yourself better advice than any of us could have - well said!

[Batya33]

Dr. Joy Browne's one year rule applies no matter how long the man has been separated. He didn't live as a single man, because he was married, and obviously he chose not to live as a single man because he prioritized finances over being single. I am not criticizing his choice in the least just disputing that he chose to live as a single man. He chose to stay married in order to save money. That made the most sense to him but it reflects a choice to stay married - or at least that his priority was not to be able to marry again as quickly as possible.

 

Anyway, Dr. Joy is far more articulate than me but it is striking how your post to me is identical to the many calls she gets "but he dated someone else before me -- he is only still married because of the property/the money/the health insurance" and yes they are at or around your age.

 

Again, I am not trying to be right - you asked an opinion and I gave one plus a resource if you care to learn more. Good luck!

[Optimistica777]

How long do divorces usually take?

[Optimistica777]

Thanks Hayles

[Batya33]

How long do divorces usually take?

 

From what I know they can take anywhere from less than a year to many years.

[Optimistica777]

Hayles, Is divorce a factor in you relationship?

[Optimistica777]

Thanks Batya

[melrich]

Dr. Joy Browne's one year rule applies no matter how long the man has been separated. He didn't live as a single man, because he was married, and obviously he chose not to live as a single man because he prioritized finances over being single. I am not criticizing his choice in the least just disputing that he chose to live as a single man. He chose to stay married in order to save money.

 

To be honest, this does not make much sense in the real world.

 

My wife and I separated and after about 9 months I met my current partner. The official divorce did not happen until around a year and a half later. Nothing I could have done would have sped that up, that's simply what happens when significant financial issues are involved. Often it can take 3-4 months just to have lawyers RESPOND to a letter, let alone actually do anything about it.

 

In all it took me 2 and a half years to process a divorce and I know from friends experiences that that is about average and some fight out for far longer. No one should have to put their life on hold while bureaucracy spins its wheels. No one should live by formulas.

 

To the OP. If you feel (and you obviously do) that he is genuinely proceeding with the divorce and that you see a future together, do have patience. These things sometimes just do not work at the pace we want them to unfortunately.

[Batya33]

Thanks for your opinion. In the real world, I have listened to Dr. Joy get many calls from people who regret not following her one year rule who were in exactly your situation. So, that is where my experience comes from. Obviously there are always exceptions but to me it makes a lot of sense to not date until at least a year until after the divorce is final. I've known several men who called me after that year was up - after I declined to date them earlier on saying "I know I disagreed with your one year rule but in hindsight, you were totally right."

 

By the way, no one is advising putting one's life on hold, just not dating. Socializing, activities, friends, etc all are great things to do.

[melrich]

Obviously there are always exceptions but to me it makes a lot of sense to not date until at least a year until after the divorce is final.

 

Why? What is the rationale behind this?

 

If as I said the average divorce here takes 2 and a half years (the law says you MUST have been separated for 12 months then you HAVE to have your financial settlement done, then you can get the piece of paper saying you are divorced), why should I have to wait basically 2 years for the divorce and then a year after that?

 

So basically 3 years from the time I separate? Why would someone impose some sort of mantra on me that I have to wait that long before I can start a new relationship?

 

I don't get that sort of dogma.

[Batya33]

It's interesting - she has no other rules other than this one. It's about experiencing being legally single for at least one year after the divorce is final. I find her advice on this brilliant particularly because of all the real life examples. but since she says it far more articulately than I do feel free to look at her teachings. She is not about dogma - this is the one "one year rule" she has. I have seen and heard many times what a difference it makes to be legally single as opposed to separated/still married/newly divorced no matter how long the separation or what the reason was for the divorce. I am not criticizing your decision to date of course, just giving my opinion that her one year rule is very sound. Read for yourself - or not. No worries either way.

[Hayles]

Hayles, Is divorce a factor in you relationship?

 

 

No, that's where it differs somewhat... we each have a child to our revious relationships... I am very unwell, and my medical expenses are through the roof, so financially we can't seem to do much yet - but still - I believe, while ever you have faith that he really wants it as much as you do, and the reasons for it not happening yet are genuine - you will be okay...

It's when you begin to doubt that sincerity that you should wonder how long to wait!

[melrich]

I know Dr Joy's advice very well and my opinion on it is of no import in this thread.

 

That particular statement to me shows absolutely no understanding of the process of divorce and the CIVIL requirements placed on you.

 

The vast majority of people, if they could would process their financials and divorce within weeks of seperating. But the system doesn't allow you to do that.

 

thereforeeee if the system allowed you to do it, most people could, according to Dr Joy, get into a new relationship around about 13 months after seperating.

 

But because there are CIVIL requirements of you, this then equates to a new relationship not being possible for at least 2 years. Not because you are not ready but because you HAVE to follow CIVIL processes.

 

That advice shows no understanding of the process of divorce for most people to me.

[Batya33]

I disagree - she actually does (she went through it herself) and I completely agree with her that no matter how long it takes it is significantly different to be legally single and because of that difference it is advisable to wait at least a year before dating. But, please, let's agree to disagree. I know of many people who get divorced quickly and others who hem and haw and drag it out.

 

I only know from the many who have called in and the many women and men I have met who confirmed that the first year you're legally single is not a good time to be dating - you need to get through that year as a legally single person before you are ready to be involved with someone romantically. Particularly if the divorce takes a long time - that is a transition time, often a stressful time and it takes time to heal from that process too. Having been on dates with newly divorced men I can confirm that too. I am sure there are exceptions but just that - exceptions.

 

As far as what the system requires - well, that's the risk you take when you want the benefits of marriage.

 

Please feel free to post back but I am done - let's just agree to disagree and I am glad all worked out well for you.

[Optimistica777]

Hayles, I'm sorry to hear that you're not well. I wish you the best and much happiness.

[melrich]

Well I'm not really addressing these posts to you. I want the OP to understand that her situation should not be governed or influenced by a formula someone has arbitrarily decreed.

 

You know your situation. To me it sounds like he is genuine and you potentially have a great future together and I certainly think your best course, given you are enjoying being in a relationship with him, is to have patience.

 

Don't worry that he has not been "legally" single for 12 months or 16 months or 2 years. It really is irrelevant.

[Batya33]

And I want the OP to understand that the reason she is in limbo is because he is still married and that there is a sizeable risk that once he is legally single he will want time to be single. Not for any arbitrary reason - for time-tested proven reasons in my experience.

[melrich]

he was living like a single man 3 yrs. before I met him. He dated, had a relationship and was not happy, but when we met we clicked and make each other very happy. It's not like he just left his wife and met me. We are 60 and don't want to play the field. We spend 4 nights a week together, but the other nights are lonely and I miss him. It might seem wrong, but I'm optimistic. Just impatient. If after his divorce things don't go in the direction that he says he wants and I want, I won't stick around for long.

 

Optimistica777, if, when he gets that piece of paper in his hand he suddenly gets an urge to go out and resow his wild oats and hit the nightclubs and singles bars again, please feel free to give me a huge kick up the...

 

In the meantime, you guys enjoy what sounds like a very loving relationship and have patience. My sister is into year 4 of resolving her divorce. You'd think two adults could make it simple wouldn't you?

[Hayles]

Hayles, I'm sorry to hear that you're not well. I wish you the best and much happiness.

 

 

Thankyou very much. I will be just fine - it's just going to take time - a couple more years at least. In the mean time we just can't afford to live together and pay child care fees etc. and I can only work part time until I'm well... it can be hard - but we'll get through it all, and when we do - we'll get married and build our home, until then, Ijust have to trust that he will do the right thing and make sure it all does happen when the time comes....

 

I, like you, have made a conscious decision in regards to "rules", and mine is that we will not be getting married until I am not quite so sick - I want to be able to make love to my husband on my wedding night, and I don't want to have a catheter to worry about all day on my wedding day... so, while yu have decided not to lve together until you are married - I have decided not to marry until I am well.....

 

Would you consider a comitment ceremony in the mean time? Would that allow you to feel okay about living together? And then just pop your legal papers in when the divorce is finalised?

[Optimistica777]

Melrich, I don't think you'll need a kick. I have every reason to believe we're going to have a wonderful life together. Thanks