16 year old issue, how to approach?

[astaro]

well, i will try to keep this as short as possible.

 

16 years ago my parents split up. my father found out my mother was pregnant and told her that she is either going to have an abortion or he is moving out. she told him she is 40 and this is probably her last chance to have another child (i was an only child up until that point). she decided to go ahead with the baby and my father left the house. he claimed that my mother cheated on him and that the child is his (i have spoken to my mother multiple times about this and i don't believe him). my mother has caught him cheating at least twice and knows of all sorts of incidents. i wont get into all the stories but bottom line he has a very long history of infidelity. (on a side note his own family doesnt believe him either)

 

ever since they split up i have been living my life between the rock and the hard place. on one side my little sister, which i love dearly, she has never had a father so i don't know if she feels much of a loss, i do my best not to talk about these issues in front of her but if she ever asks a question i will always answer, she knows everything that went on. on the other hand i have my fathers family, whenever there is a family event i find myself not really able to communicate with them. my sister is this dark family secret that no one talks about, i love her and refuse to act like she doesnt exist, so i ended up distancing myself from that entire side of the family. they see me on holidays but in reality don't know me at all and have absolutely no idea who i am.

 

when i was a lot younger i tried to approach this issue a couple of times. once i was very upset about my father not coming to my birthday (was around 11 i think), my mother was talking to him and i over hear him saying "i am not going to be in the same house with that goat" (referring to my sis). we have had one or two other conversations about this which all ended very badly, he is stubborn as hell and is completely incapable of admitting mistakes.

 

the more i mature the more i realise i have a constant chip on my shoulder concerning my father, i cant really communicate with him due to all of this, but i am not capable of cutting all ties with him, he is after all my father. as time passes the desire to talk to him about it grows, i cant keep this bottled up forever, but i am worried that bringing this up will make me loose contact with my father and possibly as a side effect the rest of his family as well. they are all afraid of him and his reactions. our family has a history of holding grudges, my grandfather hasnt spoken to his youngest brother in around 30 years due to some argument over an inheritance.

 

basically i want to talk to him to try and understand how a human can do what he has done. how someone can completely abandoned their child and never look back. how can someone be so irresponsible and childish? he was 40 years old at the time, he's 56 now, i knew this was wrong when i was 10, i just cant understand how he doesnt see it.

 

i guess the bottom line is i don't know how to approach it, i was thinking about going with him to some neutral place and just lay my cards on the table and hope for the best, but i fear the worst witch is very likely to be the reality.

[Locke2121]

He's not your dad, he is the sperm doner. A real man wouldn't cheat, accuse his wife of cheating and abandon a wife, son and unborn child because it cramps his style.

 

Don't approach it or him. He doesn't matter to your life anymore. The best thing you can do is simply be the father figure your sis needs, and to succeed at life. That will show the world exactly what your father, if you can call him that, gave up just so he can sleep around like an immature 17 year old.

[astaro]

i wish it where that simple, but i cant allow myself to stoop to his level. i can not run away from this. i will have to address it sooner or later or i will go crazy. i dont really have family other then him, on my mothers side its just me, my mother and my sis, i dont really get along with them but its all the family i have. in addition, he is my father, wether i like that or not dosnt change the fact that he is.

[Locke2121]

Your not running away! There is nothing there in the first place! They refuse to take you, your mom and sis as true family...that says it all right there!

 

And no, a father loves his children, sticks by them through thick and thin. He is always there when they need him. He doesn't judge them, he simply accepts them for who they are.

 

Does that sound like your father??

[RayKay]

Honestly, coming from someone whom has been through something VERY VERY SIMILAR....you have to just let it go. Accept this is whom he is. This is what HE believes and has chosen to live. And it is HIM missing out on knowing his children and family. That is his choice.

 

And I am not going to give many details, but I can say that my family went through an almost identical experience, only more like 21 years ago

 

I rarely talk to my father. If I am "lucky" he calls us once a year. I have not seen him in probably 6 years. He has missed major events in all our lives. He really has no clue what we are up to, what we are like, what our dreams are, he has not been there to support us, encourage us. I feel bad for him. I think he loves us...but in his own way.....peculiar way!

 

He cheated on my mother numerous times (eventually leaving for another woman whom he is still with and has two children with).

 

When he left my mother was 7 months pregnant...he claimed it was not his. Of course my sister was definitely his (and looks just like us too and him with red hair!). I think he knows she is his...but was so adamant she was not he cannot back down....he always treated her differently even after she was born because he was so stubborn in that way!

 

Honestly, it is HIM that has lost out. I pity him for not knowing the great people my siblings are...and for missing out on what is really important in life.

 

I love him...he is my father....but he is not a "dad". My stepfather is my dad. And my siblings dad. I love him, and will NEVER understand him for doing what he did, but we have turned out wonderful, and my mother was better off without him (and found someone incredible whom has been with her through thick and thin). I accept I will never get it...and I feel sorry for him....but I cannot live my life around him.

[astaro]

i dont know, been thinking about this all day trying to understand what is it exactly that i want to get out of it. i guess i just want to tell him how i feel and watch him squirm, well either that or watch him sit there with a blank expretion on his face.... i guess something in me wants something to change, and i somehow doubt thats going to happen. just not sure how to get past it.

[Azual]

Astaro, what you want is your father to realize his mistakes and try and take it all back.

Harsh truth - He won't. You've stated yourself he's stubborn and won't admit it. From what I read, you could confront him with every bit of evidence proving it was his child and he'd deny it. As you grow my friend (and note that I'm not any older than you, but have had experiences with vast varieties of people), is to let this guy go on with his life. The best thing to do is drop him like a rock.

Just spend some serious time alone in your room meditating, honestly calm yourself and think of the inner fight, and challenge yourself to realize that no matter how much you want things to change, it won't. Ain't gonna. Ever.

As Locke has stated - You're running from nothing AND being the bigger man by not letting this fester and grow into a serious problem. You're putting alcohol on the wound and cleaning it up.

Your father... this boy you speak of... is no man. I can go no further than to repeat what Locke has said, "And no, a father loves his children, sticks by them through thick and thin. He is always there when they need him. He doesn't judge them, he simply accepts them for who they are.

 

Does that sound like your father??"

 

Think about it. Good luck my friend, find your inner war and find the balance!

Peace be with you.

[avman]

Write him a very long note. Pour out everything that has been eating at you these last 16 years. Get nasty if you have to. Call him every name you can think of. Tell him how much he's hurt you and your sister.

 

Then take that letter and burn it. When it burns, let go of all the anger within you. That anger is like poison to your soul. It colors your interactions with others and doesn't benefit anyone at all.

 

Forgive your father for what he's done. Forgive him for not meeting your expectations, for making mistakes, and for hurting both of you. Forgiving doesn't mean you think what he did was ok, it only means that you no longer let the resentment and anger keep growing and growing. It's really for your own peace.

[astaro]

i think i might try that letter idea, maybe the symbolism of it all will help.