what to do with ex

[caliboy]

so my ex and i have been apart for about 8 months now... (for the full story, just search for caliboy). anyway, over the summer we talked once, and after i got back from vacation i called her. we had a real good conversation and i genuinely was interested in only talking as friends and not asking about her and i, her having a boyfriend, personal stuff, etc. much different then the way i was acting towards her the first few months after we broke up (begging, writing her letters, poems, "are you seeing anyone?" etc - the complete wrong approach. the trick's to have no contact for awhile so that you can be more of just yourself).

 

so i called her again about 5 days later and we had another good conversation for about 45 mins laughing and stuff. a close friend of my families passed away a couple days after this, and her funeral is being held this weekend down near where my ex lives. so i called my ex (just this past friday - a couple days after our 45 min call) to tell her about what was going on and that i'd be in the area. she said she wasn't sure what her work schedule was going to be like this coming weekend, so she said for me to call her closer to this weekend. she was out doing something and couldn't really talk, so she told me to call her later. i went out with some friends that night and didn't get a chance to call her, but i left a text message saying "hope you had a good nite." and she responded right back with "u 2. night." so i was out with some friends, and at about 1:30am after a few drinks, i got this "great" idea to text my ex "come dance with me..." and no response which i expected. so i didn't talk to her sat, and on sunday i called and left a message saying hi. hope you have a good day. now it's tuesday and i haven't heard from her, and i'm not sure if i should still call her later this week to see if she's available to do something this weekend when i'm in her area (i haven't seen her in over 3 months).

 

i've been the one to contact her all the time, and i think i might've called a bit too much (maybe 3 times in 2 weeks). so do i call her right before i fly down or while i'm down there? or do i not call her at all and see if she'll call me. cause she knows i'm going to be down there, but she said for me to call her when it's closer to the date. it feels like she has something against calling me, but at the same time she works 2 jobs 55 hours/week so she's really busy. so what do i do?

[enadevoli]

honestly, she doesn't seem interested in you....you can call her & just ask if she wants to do something while you are there, but if she says to ask her later, I think you should just let it go. She might feel like you are still "attached" to her & won't let her go. She also might still have feelings for you, but might not want to. She might not want to hang out with you because she might feel like you will try to get her back & she will take you back, even though deep down she knows she doesn't want to go through it all again. Some people don't like dating their exes because they feel like they will just get broken hearted again. I think maybe you should just call her & ask her whats going on, or just let her go & try to forget about her.

[michelemybell]

Hi Caliboy,

I remember you from some of your earlier posts!

I read this board still because I'm in no way over my ex, but I've learned to actually function without him---which is quite a progress since when we first broke up more than six months ago. We tried to talk like friends to each other, but it didn't work because it still bothered me that we were no longer together. As expected, we don't talk at all anymore---and I heard he moved to Florida or something, so it's probably unlikely we will talk to each other ever again--especially since we ended it on bad terms. It hurts a lot, and I'm still trying to figure things out---but I've also learned that whatever is meant to be, will be.

My advice to you would be to stop contacting her. Just let it go. Keep on making yourself a stronger person. She will either decide to get back with you, or choose not to. You'll win either way if you take care of yourself and put her on the backburner instead. (And if she decides to come back, well then, it will be you in the driver's seat deciding if you want her back!)

You sound like a nice guy----you deserve waaaay more than she is giving you!

I'm also advising you not to talk to her right now because you could end up on bad terms like me and my ex. It often happens that way because one of you wants the other to see things differently---and then the fights will begin. I would back off and really work on yourself right now. One day, when you have a different perspective and can actually view her as just a friend, then contact her. But not right now. You need to get over her first. Of course, that is the hardest part!!! (One that no one really wants to works through!)

[lostPO]

Hi caliboy, I've recently broke up with my ex and we had this on and off thing for 2 months and now it's messy. He sent me one last email and we can't talk. So take my advice and michelemybell to cut all contact. It will be for the best. If you ever want to be friends again and it sounds like you do, be strong and cut off all ties. You will realize by doing this it will salvage (if there is anything to be salvaged) for the long run. I've learned to and still am accepting that everthing happens for a reason. Let fate decide where to take you. I know this might not be what you want to hear but it's my honest opinion.

[hurtntime]

I have a different point of view then the previous posts. Yeah it seems like she doesnt have interest in you. But you never really said if you were still interested in her or not. I'm going to assume you dont since you said you contacted her to just be friends. If thats the case then yeah go for it call her hang out AS FRIENDS nothing more. If it means anything more then just friendship to you then dont do it. You have to get over it before you can even consider approaching it as just friends because being friends after a break up is so much harder then people think.

[caliboy]

thanks for all the advice... in response, i'm pretty sure i can see her as just a friend. i don't desire her like i use to. when i call her and talk to her I don't go into personal things... i talk to her like she a female friend. although there are times when we use nicknames and things only her and i would understand that we made up during our relationship. stuff that you'd have with an (ex)girlfriend but not a girl who's a friend, but this is mutual and not just from my side.

 

i feel i'm over her, but of course i still care for her and miss her just in a different way. it took me a long time to finally come to this stage, and when i look back i can tell i've changed a lot from how i was 6 months ago. after talking to her after awhile i notice things about her i didn't notice before i guess cause i was blinded by love. but she's still someone i'd like to have as at least a friend. the other thing about her not calling me ever... she doesn't call a mutual friend of ours either. when i talked to my ex last i told her she should call her, and she said she would, but that she's been so busy. So i don't know if it's just me she's not calling.

 

i don't want her thinking i'm still "attached", cause i'm not, but you can't just tell someone that. it's more of something you have to prove. how do i get accross to her that i just want to be friends?

[michelemybell]

It sounds like you're doing the appropriate thing, but remember that you are no longer a couple, and sometimes friends don't always call each other that often (depending on how close you are). She's going to call IF and WHEN she wants, and unfortunately there's nothing you can do (other than what you are already doing) to make her act or think differently.

I, myself, would find it tremendously hard to talk to my ex (or his friends and family) and find out that his life is going on and he's dating others. I could only do that if I'm truly over him...and I think I need a little more time for that! (It takes time, but I'm slowly getting there!)

Michele