Men:What happened to make you so shy?

[ladeedah]

I'm trying to understand what could have happened to make a good looking, normally outgoing guy act so shy only around a certan girl that he needs to really develop a comfort zone with her before he can ask her out .Like,he's not afraid to take risks in general except when it comes to the girl he really likes. I'm trying to be patient with him and encourage him to feel relaxed around me that I won't reject him but I'd like to know what really could have caused this fear of rejection? Any shy guys out there want to share the background details of thehir shyness? I think a lot of girls would appreciate it and might help them as well.

[Pegasus]

I'm trying to understand what could have happened to make a good looking, normally outgoing guy act so shy only around a certan girl that he needs to really develop a comfort zone with her before he can ask her out .Like,he's not afraid to take risks in general except when it comes to the girl he really likes. I'm trying to be patient with him and encourage him to feel relaxed around me that I won't reject him but I'd like to know what really could have caused this fear of rejection? Any shy guys out there want to share the background details of thehir shyness? I think a lot of girls would appreciate it and might help them as well.

 

Hm... I'm here guilty as charged I don't know what caused my shyness but I would probably never ever ask a girl out directly without first knowing her for some time. I don't really know if it's because of a confort zone - probably a mixture of that and not wasting my time and emotions to somebody I don't really know. It might turn out that this person is higly incompatibile with me so it is not worth of possibility of being hurt. So safer way is to know the person first and than to make a next step.

 

One of my reasons is that I think I look pretty awful and that no girl would ever actually go out with me considering just my apperance and approach. Maybe I'm wrong here but that is what I feel.

 

I've been "friend" with a girl for 3 months and last saturday I kissed her so it went out of friendship to relationship zone. Maybe it's even better this way because we already know eachother pretty well so there should be no big surprises.

[rocio]

I'm not a guy, but that's me. Normally outgoing. I think I'm good looking (unless my mama's been lying to me all along.. ). But if I really like a guy, I blush and stare at the floor and can't bring myself to flirt.

[macgyver4ever]

I'm a shy guy in general. I'm quiet, and not all that outgoing, but I have little problem talking to girls. I know that what they really want is confidence, and I need to go outside of myself to approach them. If I was myself, I could never do it, so I just do it, and feel dumb later if it doesn't work. I try to laugh it off.

 

I guess the more you like someone, the more you feel you have to lose. Even if you know someone likes you, it makes it hard because if they do say no you feel like you have lost something, and may have crossed a line if you were friends before. He may need to know your feelings by you making the first move, even if it is subtle, for him to be comfortable enough to know he can cross the line.

 

Even though I can approach girls, there are some girls that you can feel are just out of your league. Too attractive, or too confident, and I won't go near them.

 

Good luck and I hope this gives you some insight.

[Leonhart]

It enforces the old phrase: "One burned, twice shy..."

 

So true.

[Locke2121]

There is a good explanation of me in my journal...but I've come to realize that I wasn't exactly shy, just VERY unhappy with myself. Don't know how I got that way. These days women honestly have said that I'm a nice, handsome fella. That I have a great personality, really funny and a great person to be around. I'm no longer shy..well AS shy as I once was and have no problems talking to women.

 

When I was growing up and well into adulthood, you had to punch me if you wanted me to make a noise. Why??? I wish I knew...I had several male role models to choose from after my dad died. My grandpa, several boyfriends that my mom had...friends of my own....but I don't know why I never felt that I measured up.

 

Sorry.

[T_K]

From wikipedia:

 

"The initial cause of shyness can vary. Scientists have located some genetic data that supports the hypothesis that shyness is at least partially genetic. However, there is also evidence that the environment in which a person is raised can affect their shyness. Shyness can originate after a person has experienced a physical anxiety reaction; at other times, shyness seems to develop first and then later causes physical symptoms of anxiety."

 

At the very first stages of my life I was very quiet and very different from "normal" kids.I was feeling bad for it and I grew up with this thought about myself, of being different. I was bullied because of being quiet and that made me not to trust others, and having difficulty opening up to people I didn't know. I had to know really well the other person to strart behaving normal.

So I became an introvert to some level, and I was unhappy with this but it was difficult to change it. I didn't want to participate in team sports or tell my thoughts on a subject ( ) because of feelings of being unwanted.I was mostly brought up by my mother, my father was always working and wasn't always "there"...

 

I was also VERY very self-counsious ,and I still am, and that was making me anxious when I was with people I didn't know. If the person was a girl I liked then I could't function at all lol. I overcame shyness to a degree...

 

Shyness is different from social phobia but it is linked to anxiety.When a shy person is next to a person he likes he feels anxiety, all people do, but it is way worse.Some develop low self-esteem from bad experiences of the past. If a past lover said something nasty about their skills it would be difficult to overcome it.

 

Shyness vary alot from person to person. One may be outgoing with friends but shy with potential partners.There is a category of shyness called love-shyness.

 

The socially desirable behaviour in our societies is extroversion and usually

extroverts speak their thoughts while shy guys have a difficulty being expressive and need encouragement. Most shy guys have a difficulty understanding non-verbal language, or worse are completely ignorant of it, so when someone is flirting with them they may just consider it as being friendly.

 

I think shyness really has to do with how a person was grown up and what happened in school in the very early years of his or her life.

 

It wasn't exactly about myself but I hope it helped! I'll stop for now ...

[Leonhart]

The socially desirable behaviour in our societies is extroversion and usually

extroverts speak their thoughts while shy guys have a difficulty being expressive and need encouragement. Most shy guys have a difficulty understanding non-verbal language, or worse are completely ignorant of it, so when someone is flirting with them they may just consider it as being friendly.

 

It is for this very reason that I cannot be shy. I have trouble NO speaking my mind.

[scotty77]

From wikipedia:

 

"The initial cause of shyness can vary. Scientists have located some genetic data that supports the hypothesis that shyness is at least partially genetic. However, there is also evidence that the environment in which a person is raised can affect their shyness. Shyness can originate after a person has experienced a physical anxiety reaction; at other times, shyness seems to develop first and then later causes physical symptoms of anxiety."

 

At the very first stages of my life I was very quiet and very different from "normal" kids.I was feeling bad for it and I grew up with this thought about myself, of being different. I was bullied because of being quiet and that made me not to trust others, and having difficulty opening up to people I didn't know. I had to know really well the other person to strart behaving normal.

So I became an introvert to some level, and I was unhappy with this but it was difficult to change it. I didn't want to participate in team sports or tell my thoughts on a subject ( ) because of feelings of being unwanted.I was mostly brought up by my mother, my father was always working and wasn't always "there"...

 

I was also VERY very self-counsious ,and I still am, and that was making me anxious when I was with people I didn't know. If the person was a girl I liked then I could't function at all lol. I overcame shyness to a degree...

 

Shyness is different from social phobia but it is linked to anxiety.When a shy person is next to a person he likes he feels anxiety, all people do, but it is way worse.Some develop low self-esteem from bad experiences of the past. If a past lover said something nasty about their skills it would be difficult to overcome it.

 

Shyness vary alot from person to person. One may be outgoing with friends but shy with potential partners.There is a category of shyness called love-shyness.

 

The socially desirable behaviour in our societies is extroversion and usually

extroverts speak their thoughts while shy guys have a difficulty being expressive and need encouragement. Most shy guys have a difficulty understanding non-verbal language, or worse are completely ignorant of it, so when someone is flirting with them they may just consider it as being friendly.

 

I think shyness really has to do with how a person was grown up and what happened in school in the very early years of his or her life.

 

It wasn't exactly about myself but I hope it helped! I'll stop for now ...---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I was small and quiet as a child , I was bullied because of that I guess.I think I was naturally introverted but became even more so out of self protection,I guess.People couldn't hurt me if they really didn't know me was the way I thought.I went through a period in which I had pretty bad acne,so that didn't help matters.The sad fact is that I am not small now or unattractive but still carry around the self image I had when I was younger.

[SquareWheel]

In my case, it was a few things. I had a rough time getting through school; I was sort of "mentally hyperactive"; intensely cerebral and a near-pathological daydreamer. Never got into sports, cars, or any of the other usual things. When I was a teen-ager, my parents actually had to make me learn how to drive. I grew up sort of in a private fantasy world. Got hassled a lot by the other kids in the rough schools I attended and that made me sort of socially avoidant.

 

And I'm more deeply affected by unpleasant experiences than most people are. I remember them forever! I can still remember embarrassing or painful experiences from the early 1970s, and I still feel them now exactly as I did then.

 

I'm also very acutely aware of how I appear, and I seem to be very embarrassed by almost everything. For example, I was embarrassed to even admit liking girls until I was in my thirties. Just like an overgrown 8 year old boy. I grew up hiding all my true interests and feelings because I was so embarrassed about them.

 

And ever since childhood I've had a compulsion to conspicuously distinguish myself from everyone else; I feel compelled to be different from everyone else, sometimes in ways that must make me seem pretty eccentric. I've never heard of anyone else having that. Anyway, that also contributed to me being socially isolated.

 

Wow, now that I've spelled it all out, it looks like a lot! I think I'm way too sensitive and I think way too much. And being the avid dreamer that I am has always made it easy to retreat into fantasy.

 

I wonder if all these idiosyncrasies are unique to me? Particularly the "gotta be different" thing.

[Locke2121]

Everyone keeps citing evidence that its genetic, like some illness....but then how do you explain me being able to call up a girl a couple of days ago? Most genetic illnesses are nearly untreatable.

 

No, shyness is something else, it has to be a constant....SOMETHING....during a person's formative years.

[Leonhart]

Everyone keeps citing evidence that its genetic, like some illness....but then how do you explain me being able to call up a girl a couple of days ago? Most genetic illnesses are nearly untreatable.

 

No, shyness is something else, it has to be a constant....SOMETHING....during a person's formative years.

 

Shyness is a personality trait. They tend to be correlated by about .50 with heredity. So it's an important factor, but so is environment. They go together to make the whole person.

[Salucious]

I'd have to say my shyness came from my insecurity at being short. Not really an issue now, but being a young kid who is smaller than all the other guys growing up reigned heavy on my confidence. I was never really picked on, but it seemed every day something reminded me that I was "below average" Then and even today there have always been other guys my age who have a superiority complex when it comes to guys of below average build. There were enough instances in my childhood and and even now that prevented me from making friends and trying for romance.

Part of what attracts a girl to a guy is his standing with other guys; leaders get more women, while shy guys get lesser chances. Since there were enough guys around that held me below their idea of what a man is, people gave me less respect. Even though I was VERY friendly and funny when I was younger (I was even voted class clown in 4th grade) people included me in socializing less and less as I got older. finally in middle school/high school I didn't even have a social circle.

 

Overall, I think enough people hesitated to socialize with me or accept me in my high-school days because I didn't appear to be mature enough because of the way I looked. Even today in college, I occasionally hear some guys snickering at me and making comments, since I usually stand out especially around athletic-type guys.

 

I guess at a young age I let the disrespect/lonliness affect me. Now I'm so cautious at socializing I won't open up very much for fear of having all those feelings of unnacceptance and ostracization again. If anything, it taught me to be more self reliant and independent. Now I can be very social, but most of the time only if other people initiate it. Unfortunately most people are not willing to go out of their way to get to know me. Fortunately some have though, which is why I have a small social circle.

[Dating Coach]

I'm trying to understand what could have happened to make a good looking, normally outgoing guy act so shy only around a certan girl that he needs to really develop a comfort zone with her before he can ask her out .Like,he's not afraid to take risks in general except when it comes to the girl he really likes. I'm trying to be patient with him and encourage him to feel relaxed around me that I won't reject him but I'd like to know what really could have caused this fear of rejection? Any shy guys out there want to share the background details of thehir shyness? I think a lot of girls would appreciate it and might help them as well.

 

When I was a kid I was always outgoing and found talking to people extremely easy. When I got a little older, say 11-13, I had a big crush on this girl at school and got teased endlessly regarding it. Kids can be ruthless. People were coming up to me and telling me that she thought I was ugly and crap and it seemed like everyday the kids had a blast with teasing me about it and forcing confrontation or interaction between her and I. I even had a few of these kids ask her out and get her to say yes to them just so they could give me crap. These were "friends" of mine too. Like I said, kids, can be vicious.

 

It's not all their fault either. No one teaches you about relationships and self respect at that age. So I was blindly stumbling over the same block over and over because I didn't know any better. This caused me to keep getting more and more hurt, to the point where I think it damaged my ability to express interest in other girls all the way up till I was in my late teens and early twenties. It wasn't until I was tired of it all that I tried to break loose of my self defeating attitudes. Now I find all of the things I used to struggle with to be completely easy, but it took a lot of time and effort.

[CluelessGuy321]

I'm pretty sure my 8 years at all boys schools screwed me up mentally, and constant stubborn moderate acne from age 13 to now (age 25) is also a constant attack on my self-esteem.

[cpc28655]

I'm trying to understand what could have happened to make a good looking, normally outgoing guy act so shy only around a certan girl that he needs to really develop a comfort zone with her before he can ask her out .Like,he's not afraid to take risks in general except when it comes to the girl he really likes. I'm trying to be patient with him and encourage him to feel relaxed around me that I won't reject him but I'd like to know what really could have caused this fear of rejection? Any shy guys out there want to share the background details of thehir shyness? I think a lot of girls would appreciate it and might help them as well.

 

This is like asking "what causes a computer to crash". Could be any one of thousands of things. I imagine each shy guy has their own specific set of circumstances that has lead to their shyness.

 

Myself, I am not shy around women. But I am having a very difficult time trusting them. In order to tell you why, I'd have to give you details of my failed marriage that you probably would not believe. My point is, that is MY specific reason, and it has nothing to do with the next guy's reason.

 

That being said, There could be many reasons why a guy could be shy. A previous devistating experience with a woman, a chemical imbalance in the brain, the explosion of sexual harassment lawsuits over the last 20 years, or even an overly protective mother.

 

To advise you on your specific problem, you have 3 choices.

 

1. Patience, even though that is easier said then done. He will come around eventually.

2. Hypnosis, which would be a little silly.

3. Throw in the towel.

 

I have a question for you. When you say you encourage him, exactly how do you do that? I ask because it MAY be part of the problem.

[Kyle800]

I had a very shy Father and this passed onto me, my Mother was always the stronger parent and this probably led to me thinking men are meant to keep their thoughts, feelings, attractions to themselves, even if bad things are happening.

 

 

I think shyness is something caused by parents, parents who smother their sons/daugthers usually end up producing a very shy man/women in later life. He's been so protected that when he goes out into the real world he is shocked at all the louder characters and rudeness of others.

 

I noticed that shy smart kids tend to not get bullied at school, shy kids who are not smart tend to get bullied because they have no way of escaping bullys, and not have that instant respect of being the smart kid. This leads to greater failure in the future with a low paid job and less opportunities and creates problems with relating to other people.

 

They end up feeling strange, odd, and tend to only have a few close friends.

 

I would say my shyness came from my teenage years with a Father who critisized me for everything I did ](*,), and all the kids who bullied me at school. And after all this I'm expected to go out into life and be really outgoing and asking women out, I'd rather stay in my shell it's safer.

 

 

Might be best to ask what happpened in his teenage years, these years are very important in later life. Say 14 till 19 is a very important time, what happpens in those years is very important and can effect your character forever.

[Pinnacle]

Women happened to make you so shy?

[putter65]

I'm not sure I'm shy. I was very quiet when I was a child. Now I'm more talkative. I've gained conversation skills mainly thru working (I work in a shop).

 

I can talk to women easy enough. I find general chit chat simple enough. I don't find asking for dates easy at all. It's because I know the answer is going to be 'no' - and that might sound daft but I believe it's the truth. When you know the answer there seems little point in asking. It's like me going to my boss and asking for a massive pay rise. I won't do it because I know what the answer is going to be.

[MattW]

Well, when I was in grade school, I was always a lot shorter and smaller than my classmates, so I felt intimidated by most of them. This caused me to basically withdraw into my "shell". In high school, I hoped to start over, and open up. I kinda fell into a group of kids that I thought was pretty cool, but just when I started opening up, they suddenly turned on me. They basically spent four years torturing me any way possible. I always had the unfortunate "luck" of getting stuck in many of the same classes and lunch periods as them. I couldn't go to any of the faculty with it, because all they really did was give slaps on the wrist, and that kind of thing just incited these kids to get more aggressive with me. On top of that, no one else really wanted to hang around with me because they didn't want to become "targets", too.

 

After high school ended, I kinda just let myself fall off into a complete and total state of indifference to everything and everyone. I didn't bother starting college, I didn't even look for a job. I just wanted to be left alone.

 

A year later, I realized if I let myself put off college and stuff for too long, I'd probably never end up going. So, I started taking classes at a community college, and got a part time job in retail. I'm still doing both, and I feel almost like I'm just sort of aimlessly floating through college with no real direction. I just don't know what I want to do with my life. Whether that ties in with my "shyness", I don't know.

 

Anyway, after having worked in retail for 3-ish years now, I wouldn't consider myself "shy" in the sense that I'm nervous or uncomfortable around people. I actually like being around people, but I just don't feel like I know how to talk to or relate to them. Most of the time, I'm just the quiet guy that's kinda "just there". Every now and then, I'll toss in a comment, or something, but most of the time, I'm just nodding along or laughing along to what everyone else is doing/ saying.

[lostjeff]

1. One of my eyes is blemished due to a birth defect, so I am self conscious about that when I look people in the eye

 

2. Grew up in a small town with few opprotunities to make friends

 

3. Anti-social parents

[cntrybmkn]

When I was growing-up, I wasn't good-looking persay, so the girls weren't that interested in me. By the time I was in my 20's, I grew into myself, and was labeled very attractive, but my mindset stuck to the way I was before my metamorphosis. Hence, I'm still very shy, even though many women find me pleasing to the eye. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm pretty much stuck right now. I don't know how to react when a woman is interested in me- BUMMER.

[Brightest Dark]

Women happened to make you so shy?

 

I think I am mostly shy because I was an only child so got used to my own company - even though I would go and play with my cousins sometimes who lived in the same street. I remember being taught at first school to not speak unless spoken to, plus my dad is also quiet - so I think it was a mixture of those things.

[Stay_home]

I'm trying to understand what could have happened to make a good looking, normally outgoing guy act so shy only around a certan girl that he needs to really develop a comfort zone with her before he can ask her out .Like,he's not afraid to take risks in general except when it comes to the girl he really likes. I'm trying to be patient with him and encourage him to feel relaxed around me that I won't reject him but I'd like to know what really could have caused this fear of rejection? Any shy guys out there want to share the background details of thehir shyness? I think a lot of girls would appreciate it and might help them as well.

 

If he's shy then chances are that he's probably just ignornant to the fact that you obviously like him. The obvious is not so obvious; that's the way a shy mind works. Most shy people don't even think that people actually notice them, so they become ignorant to the fact that they're people who actually like them.

 

I used to be extremely shy. Women would throw all the little clues, hints and basically beat me over the head with the fact that they were interested. They'd do just about everything except actually say that they were interested and guess what I still didn't get it. Different strokes for different folks. What I would suggest though, honestly, if you really like the guy and want to get to know him, tell him. Otherwise, he's just a brain cell away from thinking that you're only being friendly.

[putter65]

Working in retail has changed me a great deal. I was 24 when I started and I was extremely shy and quiet. It was very daunting to start with, horrible really. Now I find it so easy, it's almost like second nature. Alot of customers at my workplace know my name and chat with me about stuff. It's almost like you get a celebrity status. When I walk to work and come accross a customer, they always smile and say 'hello'.

 

What's important though is since I've developed this confidence been around people and dealing with people, women have shown no more interest in me. In fact I got more interest when I was younger and better looking but really shy.