Lost dignity, lost friends

[visorguy]

My ex exited a 5 year relationship just before dating me. We started slow but she became more aggressive and soon we were in a relationship; I thought it became serious because she'd tell me she loved me, would say things like "I'm 85% sure you are the guy I am going to marry" and "when you were hiking up those rocks I imagined a little boy, our son following you." I was falling in love with her. We dated for 6 months.

 

Then almost out of nowhere (she was acting distant when I was away over Christmas) she breaks up with me (premeditated hanging out ALL DAY flirting, touching) claiming she can't be in a relationship right now because she doesn't know who she is and she needs to find herself. It wouldn't be fair to me. It's not you, it's me, if I did want a relationship it would be with you. I really do have feelings for you but I need to discover the character of me; please don't think I don't have feelings for you, I do, I'm just not emotionally ready to be in a relationship and continue making you happy. She was quite persistent!

 

Of course I didn't buy it. I told her to give me space, no contact, for a month or two minimally because we have mutual friends and I'd eventually like to get there, but I couldn't be friends right away. She agreed. But 1 week later she emails me an invite to a "mutual" friends bday party.

 

I respond

This was 1.5 or 2 weeks after the break up and it devastated me. I wrote back "we both know I deserve more than that. Sorry. I know you miss having sex with me but I value my heart more than my sex."

 

Her response: "I was just joking."

 

I lost it.

[visorguy]

I was drinking and fired off the following reply

 

 

I apologized a couple times afterwards for it and received no response. I realize I said too much. I realize I lost dignity. I realize the tone was cold. But this was 2 weeks after she broke my heart. I had never felt so insulted that she'd ask for FWB.

 

To shorten the story, she won't acknowledge me. I'm not trying again. But her friends intersect my social circle...and they all hate me now because they don't know my story and they think I'm an * * *.

 

Yes, long letters to the ex are a horrible idea. In hindsight, I could have simply said "I'm hurt you would suggest this. It belittles me" but I was too raw. I'm 27 and this was the first woman I felt something for in 7 years. I did what I did. I did apologize if it came off as too harsh.

 

Now, I don't want to be her friend right now, but if we were to see each other, I would like to be friendly, though for now (it's been 2 months) I plan on avoiding her and her friends as much as possible. The problem is our mutual friends -- some of whom know my story and are cool, some of whom hate me. They make me uncomfortable.

 

I regret lashing out so strongly and revealing my heart like that. It is a lesson learned. But how do I mend fences with mutual friends? They don't need to know details. It would be nice if I don't have to give up my sports league/bar, etc. I've learned my lesson. I'll never react like that again. I'll just ignore it.

[Orlander]

Now lose her. You don't deserve someone like her. Iv'e seen guys and girls act this way and it seems to always be the same.

 

I approach all relationships, now, with the determination that if a woman decides to break up with me then it's over for good and i'm moving on. Maybe you should start thinking about moving on.

 

 

Orlander

[visorguy]

Great 5 tips. One reason I reacted so strongly was so she would know she can't come back. I don't like false hope. Being FWB would just with my head.

 

The hard thing is mutual friends. I guess this means not seeing them for a while too until I am healed.

 

I am moving on from her. The hard part is the intersecting friends and my own embarrassment for reacting too strongly, but at the same time, I was upset. I was insulted. Maybe she needed to hear those things, and I only lose dignity if I try to keep her in my life.

[tmp0620]

I don't think you reacted too strongly, maybe the letter coulda been a bit shorter though... seems like she needed to know that she went about things the wrong way, and that her actions caused a lot of pain... not just because she broke up with you, but in the way she went about it.

[visorguy]

Right. I was confused and very hurt at the way things went down, not just the fact she dumped me. Asking to be friends with benefits when I explicitly stated I couldn't be around her until I did not feel attraction...that was over the line. She DID need to hear those things. Yes, I wish it were a shorter letter. But this was 1.5 months ago.

 

My problem is mutual friends. I try to mend fences, and I just make things worse. Our social cirlces intersect and I see no reason why everyone can't be friendly. But it's only been 2 months since the breakup so I need more space myself.

[tmp0620]

Are these mutual friends all ostracizing(sp) you or something?

[Micwu_25]

Don't be so hard on her nor yourself. She may just trying to be nice because she feels guilty hurting you. Not everyone handles break up the same way. I remember doing the same thing to my ex when I was 19. I thought I was being nice joking, calling, hanging out with her not knowing I was stringing her along.

 

The dumpee always tries to over analyze dumper's movtive on her every move, thinking deep inside she was doing things because she still has feelings towards you.

 

The dumper often do not hornor the agreement of NC because of their guilt and they want to "help" by checking up on you. The dumpee often crumbles and one way or another asks for explanations why she contacts you(hoping she'd say something like "because I miss you and and hint that if you ask me back I will") and consequently results in another argument.

 

To avoid the snowball factor and make the situration worse you must be strong and not respond her initiation of contact. When you feel weak think of what a confident and mature person would do. The ball is in her court. If she wants to get back together she should verbally and clearly tell you so, anything else does not mean a thing. At the same time, build yourself up to be a more desireable independent man whose emotion does not get affected by anything she does(at least pretend to be). Do not ask her for explanation nor tell her how you feel...simply don't reply.

 

You have enough will power to ignore her email/call as you two had agreed before.

[visorguy]

She is through with me. She will never speak to me again, that much has been made clear to me by mutual friends.

 

I see that I reacted strongly and the best reaction would have been no reaction. My mistake. I've learned from it. The best thing to do is walk away. Had I kept to NC and just ignored her, none of this would have happened. Sadly, now I am the one ostracized and ignored.

 

I accept the relationship is over. I am still accepting how I reacted post break up, the loss of mutual friends, etc. I'd like to start dating or at least flirting but despite putting myself out there in situations where I'm meeting new people, it's not happening. This is ok. I'm depressed. I'm not really ready to date. I'd just like the opportunity

[beebee]

you havent lost your dignity and you havent lost your pride... in the general scheme of things, your letter to her was just that... a letter... you said the things you needed to say because you were hurt, confused and generally pissed off because of her actions and words... did she grasp?... i doubt it... theres not much else i can say... i can tell you to "let it go", but you wont be able to... i can tell you to "get over it", but you wont be able to... i cant tell you to "get on with your life", because right now you cant... your too wrapped up in the current situation... in time my friend... in time all will be ok... just go with the flow and try not to get into any conversations with her or your friends about her... they dont care anyway... only when it happens to them will they care... try to do that for yourself... all enotaloners will tell you that NC is the way to go... i think the worse thing you can do to someone is to show they dont exist... indifference is the emotion you want to achieve towards her... she will contact you again... next time, dont respond... try it... it works...

God Bless... beebee

[visorguy]

No, she won't talk to me again! And that is fine. The bridge is burned. The thing to do is NC, stop talking about it with my friends, and avoiding her friends so I avoid the issue alltogether and get on with my life. In a deleted post (cuss word) I further mentioned that after the whole FWB thing, I learned her ex of 5 years proposed to her 2 weeks before she dumped me, causing me to again break NC and tell her "I would have understood if you told me. It's pathetic you lied to me and I would have found out eventually since we have mutual friends." AAAGHHH. Violation of NC. Anyway, point is her friends hate me not so much for my second reaction but for my first reaction, because she basically said "he went psycho and was an * * *." Now I am ostracized from part of my social group.

 

What I realize is that no one knows how they would have reacted unless they had the same feelings and where in the same situation. Now, I did and said some things that weren't perfect and if I could do things over I would do them differently, but how I reacted to both events is understandable and forgiveable in my opinion. It doesn't make it "right", but I will get over it and in the future will be a more strong person and stick to NC through and through.

[beebee]

id like to make a small bet with you about her contacting you again, but that wouldnt be possible... lol... she will try to find out something, whether through her friends or from her... i dont mean to get your hopes up by this, its just that its human nature... she will want to know if youve moved on, whether she cares or not... she will want to know if youve gotten over your "pain and anger" for her... dont say one word to anyone if you can!... we shall see wont we?...

[visorguy]

We'll run into each other, but she won't seek me out. I'll take that bet. Her best friend told me that the bridge is burned and there is no hope for friendship reconciliation. It bums me because I'm the bad guy, but if she had just been honest...

 

If she had been honest about her feelings changing or realizing she rushed into a new relationship too soon, I would have understood. What I didn't understand was the obnoxious, cliche lines coming out of her mouth and her persistence she did have feelings for me and that all the romance, passion, etc were there. It was all lies to avoid sparing my feelings but ultimately hurt me much worse because it made me confused.

 

I do hope she contacts me (not yet, in a couple months), but only to say "I too regret how things went down and I accept your apology. I hope your life is going well." But not really. I can't be her friend unless I've healed, but also found someone else to fall in love with. There is no time frame for those things.

[LBP]

You reactions seems very understandable. Why aren't her friends interested in your side of the story?

[visorguy]

Because they are her friends, not really mine. Also, my email when I learned about her ex was slightly more harsh...I didn't want the post removed.

 

But somehow, I'm an * * * * * * *. If I could just say "look, she broke my heart, and two weeks later asked to be friends with benefits. I said no, she said "I was just joking anyway." I didn't understand the reasons for the breakup, felt insulted, and went off on her. I expected an apology and didn't get one. When I found out about her ex, I was crushed. I overreacted and regret the harsh way I responded. She was proposed to while she was my gf and didn't mention it. I felt there was something she wasn't telling me when she dumped me, and I jumped to the conclusion this was it. I was rightfully pissed, and I apologized. I see no reason why we can't move on and be friendly with each other."

 

I actually tried that, emailing a couple friends after a party the other week. I actually left out the details, and just said "I know the word is I went off on her and said some harsh things; I did, but I have my side of the story you don't need to know about. I appreciate you being friendly at the party and I hope to put things in the past and see you again soon."

 

Then I get an email from my ex's best friend telling me to stop, to stop involving people, that I burned all bridges in my initial reaction to the break up and I crossed lines, and I'm not truly welcome, and that it was wrong of me to try and come bewtween her friends.

 

I'm guessing one of them emailed my ex asking "what's this about" or "not again."

 

It sucks going to a party where everyone thinks I'm an * * * * * * *. That's not entirely true, I have some friends still, but if my ex says I went psycho and was an * * *, that is what her friends will believe even if the once liked me. That's life.

[LBP]

Seems like they should be asked a simple question - why is it that she's allowed to lie and spit cruelty and you're expected to take it? Why are they okay with that?

 

That said, focusing on whether or not they 'like' you is a little silly... What does it matter? They've made their decision to stick with her and it's not completely unfounded. But that she would poison you to them speaks to her character... And the fact that she's clearly hidden the truth from you so bloody often should tell you all you need to know about this girl.

 

And THAT said... I think one day she will appreciate the fact that out of very few men in her life you were one who had the courage to stand up to her bull * * * *... Beautiful girl I'm guessing? They don't like that, being called on bs.

[visorguy]

It's not silly wanting to be friendly with her friends. Our social circles intersect. It's not exactly pleasant to hang out in a hostile environment with people glaring at me, so it's not so much that I care what they think, but it is too uncomfortable, too soon (only 2 months since the breakup).

 

Did she lie through and through? She did not go back to her ex. She turned him down. And I'm told is wasn't why she dumped me (but naturally, I jumped to the conclusion it was). I'm sure she rationalized it as none of my business since she figured she was dumping me anyway, and felt it would hurt less. When you have friends in common, however, these things are ALWAYS found out, and it hurts worse down the line. And we were still together, so yes, not saying anything about it is, in my opinion, the same thing as deception.

And THAT said... I think one day she will appreciate the fact that out of very few men in her life you were one who had the courage to stand up to her bull * * * *... Beautiful girl I'm guessing? They don't like that, being called on bs.

She's pretty cute but she's not the standard pretty girl. She's a little shy, not one of the "popular" kids. She's just...passive. She lacks assertiveness especially when it involves confrontation.

 

I really like your statement. This is what I've been wanting to hear. I've beaten myself up over this for overreacting and alienating people. I've shouldered blame. The fact that I had the courage to stand up to her BS and call her on it doesn't make me weak or undignified, it makes me strong and courageous. Her reasons for the breakup were a bunch of bull. I would have said nothing, but she went WAY over the line asking for FWB. I had a right to tell her off. She needed to hear it. Even with her ex, so what if I called her pathetic. It is pathetic not to tell your bf your ex proposed to you, even if you are planning on dumping your current bf and the ex isn't the reason. Normally I would say "I feel hurt you didn't tell me this" instead of "you're pathetic for not telling me this", but breakups are emotionaly charged and it was tough to think and act rational when I learned the news.

[LBP]

Now pathetic seems strong... But there's no reason to appologize for being upset over getting dumped. What did she honestly expect? That you'd be all cool about it? The only way she'd think that, especially after what she's been through, would be if what you've been saying is exactly true... That she just didn't care that much and expected you to be the same way.

 

That's the talk of a user... The only reason she ever reached out to begin with was to make herself feel better.

[visorguy]

It took me a while to grasp your response because I thought you were saying I was the user. If could do everything over again, I would have expressed my anger less emotionally, but I'm human, we all have our moments when we get upset.

 

I think she was reaching out for sex, not just to reach out. She didn't care all that much and figured maybe I didn't either. I don't know how she would reach that conclusion, but I'm told from mutual friends that this was the case. Even after the fact, she doesn't think she did anything wrong in asking for FWB. She feels my response was over the line, and I could have just said no. I've been told that "she wasn't all that into you; she lied, and it was pretty much about the sex." Now, perhaps she is saying this after the fact to justify herself or absolve her own guilt, but it's pretty telling.

 

I feel she used me to replace her ex bf, who she was over, for the companionship, etc. She confused sexual stimulations for love. Her FWB request made me feel that way, and I reacted to it. Yes, she was a user.

 

I have to move on from this though. It's not that big of a deal. I wanted much more so I'm hurt, but in the end, I had amazing sex with a cute girl for 5 months, and some fun times too. I can walk away with a smile.

[visorguy]

Though really, what bothers me is that her and her closest friends feel I was abusive in my responses. "Now you know who he truly is." I was irrational, and I would have been verbally abusive had it not been in response to crushing information, but I'm not sure where those lines are. I'm not sure what I would say to a female friend in the reverse situation. As long as the guy apologized, I'd say "you really should have told him about your ex proposing. I'm sure that really hurt him. How he reacted was wrong and you shouldn't be friends with him but you should acknowledge him." That is what I would say.

[Micwu_25]

In the long run, this is just a phrase of your life. In a few years, none of these will matter. Most of your "friends" today will probably not be on your mind all that much a few years from now. You need to get out of your tunnal vision. It's not the end of your world. Go out there and make new friends. The worst thing you can do now is stay home and dwelling on the past(could have, would have, should have).

[tmp0620]

Visorguy, your letter wasn't that extreme if you ask me. It seems like she hurt you pretty bad.

[visorguy]

In the long run, this is just a phrase of your life. In a few years, none of these will matter. Most of your "friends" today will probably not be on your mind all that much a few years from now. You need to get out of your tunnal vision. It's not the end of your world. Go out there and make new friends. The worst thing you can do now is stay home and dwelling on the past(could have, would have, should have).

 

I don't stay at home. I'm out and about more than any person. It doens't lead to dates...somehow the activities I pursue rarely lead to that, but I'm out of the house 4 times a week where I meet new people by pursuing interests, and at least 2 other times through friends. True, in the long run, maintaining these friendships isn't a necessity. I'll meet other people.

 

Yes, she hurt me bad. I felt led on. You "can't" tell someone you love them, think they are the guy you are meant to be with, but break up with them under the guise that you can't be in a relationship because you need to find yourself, it's not you, it's me. BS. If she did feel that way, it was not fair, and love is never fair, but if you aren't ready for a relationship...don't get into one. It is that simple. To ask for FWB when she knew she hurt me and she knew I wanted more...that is so messed up. I was very hurt and confused. Then to learn about her ex...crushing. the hard part is feeling she is cold to me and won't acknowledge my apology, not for the FWB remarks but from when I learned about her ex. I did react too harshly, but I did apologize. In my mind, and adult would say "I understand why you feel hurt and I should have told you about me ex and I shouldn't have asked for FWB. Nonetheless, your response went too far and hurt. I accept your apology but don't feel we should be in contact. Best of luck to you." Instead she ignored me, and her friends think I am an * * *.

 

Well, I WAS an * * *. But so what. When someone is led on, lied to about the reasons for the breakup, belittled (FWB), and betrayed (her ex), you can't expect a rational reaction. This doesn't mean how I reacted was ok, but it does mean it is understandable and forgiveable. She messed up, not me.

[Openheart1]

Visor,

 

Unfortunately, it seems from what you have shared her friends and especially her have very little emotional maturity. They perceive relationships in an all or nothing fashion, basically saying that you aren't worth the time and effort if you expressed your honest opinions. Trust me, they live in an immature, imaginary world where truly caring and loving someone is not at all understood on a level that is meaningful. The friends you speak of would at least attempt to understand that it is between the two of you to resolve your issues and that they can only muddle and distort the reality of the situation. If your friends were honest and genuine, they would seek out the actual answers to why you responded the way you did. They did not. That shows lack of maturity, pure and simple. They would rather believe whatever lays on the surface and not dig deep.

 

The fact is is that I have similar experiences as you. I wrote emails expressing how I felt, which turned out to be a wrong process since now she can interpret it with the filter she used to justify why she broke up with me in the first place. In essense, my ex could not understand the deeper meaning behind my emails to discover why I wrote them, but instead just focused on the surface where it is easy to put me into a horrible light. Unfortunately, then I became the "bad guy" who hurt her. Only immature people think in terms of "bad guy/girl" and bridges have been burned. That is malicious and cruel, not expressing how you truly feel.

 

Now, granted you may have thought alittle bit more about what you would say, but the fact is that you expressed yourself honestly and genuinely. You are human and if she isn't capable of seeing beyond her superficial understanding of life, you are better off.

 

Cheers!

[StillClimbing]

VISOR-

 

Read your post, and letters....have a few comments. Please read on with an open mind to them...I have been in your shoes and know how it feels, but time has given me insight that may be useful to you.

 

 

1) You were not abusive. You were very clear, nice and diplomatic (while long-winded, but whatever...) in the letter to her. Have a BACKBONE! You wrote something and you need to stand by your (very reasonable) words. Don't chicken out on saying what you needed to say or be regretful/anxious about what others may think of it. Stick to your guns!

 

 

2) In your letter you tell her that her way of breaking things off was very hurtful and had she done it the other ways it would have been easier for you. You may be right, but why should she know that? Different people response to things differently. You are making a huge assumption about her break-up technique: that she is mature enough to think beyond herself. She sounds tactless and small...I know you cared for her, but you excitement over her probably masked a lot of her flaws. She is not a goddess, a psychotherapist or an angel. She does not have life all figured out. She gave you a crappy exit line and stupid joke, I agree, but it's time to let it go.

 

 

 

3) Don't worry about what YOU THINK everyone else thinks. No one REALLY cares! You are not in other people's minds! You really can't judge what they are thinking. Nor should you care!! Don't talk to her best friend...of course she is going to take the girl's side! Truth is, she doesnt really give a rat's * * * what is going on, she just likes being in the mix of the drama.

 

This is between you and the ex. No one else actually cares what happened between you...they are all worried about their own lives. You are a very sensitive person, and I can relate. But as I grow older and gain more experience, I realize that no alliance is that strong. People are out for themselves, for the most part.

 

Hang in there.

 

 

You sound like a very kind, tender, emotionally deep guy, and you deserve someone who will enjoy that. Not everyone will. Sounds to me that she just wasn't your "person". There are many other ladies who could fit that bill.

 

Remember: People Break up every day. And people get over it everyday...because they have to.

 

 

Good luck!