being engaged would freak me out

[monkey1]

so i was talking to my bf earlier today and we were talking about weddings, like what we would like if we got married. so i told him i felt kinda dumb looking at wedding stuff and i wasn't even engaged. so he asked if i wanted to get engaged. i said i do but i'm not ready yet. so then he asked what i would think if we planned to get engaged by the end of this year? that freaked me out.

 

it hurt him. it wasn't my intention, but it's a ldr, making that kind of commitment, well, it's the whole idea of well it's real that we'd be planning to be together forever. it's a huge deal going from seeing each other not as often as you want to, to suddenly saying that you do want to take the next steps to getting engaged and then married.

 

we've been together around 4 years, known each other 5 or so. i'm starting to lose track.

 

in my head, i can totally see us getting married, having kids and so on. i can see myself with him forever. but i guess i don't feel totally sure about us taking that step, being engaged. i thought that if we got to that point that we'd be totally comfortable and confident about making our relationship permanant, but i think i'm the one who's lagging. i feel like we haven't spent enough time together in person to really be sure if we're going to work out.

 

i know no one is ever 100% that their relationship will work out or that their marriage last. but i guess i feel extra unsure about it.

 

we haven't yet planned on sorting out our living situation. i'd prefer to have one of us move and us remain having separate residences just to be sure that we are able to adjust to see if we we'll work out ok. i fear living together right away because i think it will be too overwhelming from being long distance and seeing each other here and there and suddenly being with that person 24/7. one of us would have to get work visa which i don't think is that easy to obtain for either country (us/uk).

 

it's either that, or get married to be together.

 

i know i love him and i want to be with him. i just don't know what to do. i hate ldr's. they're so complicated, especially when both people live in different countries.

 

anyone had to deal with something like this? i mean should i commit and get engaged and just see how things go? i know it's not like we'd have to get ready and plan a wedding right away, but have a long engagement. thoughts?

[EvaGina]

Personally, I wouldnt even consider it until you lived in the same place. you have no idea how you will bounce off each other when you are physically around eachother all the time.

[DN]

I understand where you are coming from but you might like to try some sort of damage control if you want this relationship to continue. If he is very hurt he may decide that he should end the relationship if he feels there is a chance you won't want to marry him or even become engaged.

[monkey1]

Personally, I wouldnt even consider it until you lived in the same place. you have no idea how you will bounce off each other when you are physically around eachother all the time.

 

yeah that's kind of how i'm feeling. i mean it's one thing to visit for 10 days and be around each other all the time, but it'd different when both of us are working and have our own routine going on. i feel like we need to live in the same location at least.

[DN]

I read a couple of your previous posts - is this the guy who is about 40? It might be that he is in more of a hurry for marriage because of his age.

[monkey1]

I read a couple of your previous posts - is this the guy who is about 40? It might be that he is in more of a hurry for marriage because of his age.

 

yeah. he's had a couple long term relationships before me, the longest was before me. they lived together and were together around 7 years. they lived together and neither had any desire to get married. in the end it kind of fell apart. he'd never wanted to get married and do the whole package until he met me.

 

i think his thing is he kind of wants to finally settle down and have some stability in his life that includes me. for me, it's taken a long time to realize that i want to marry him and have kids and such. making that a reality at this moment, that makes me nervous since we're still not in the same location.

 

i'm fairly sure that i'll come around, but i think that would have to be when we're in the same location. it'd be hard for me to say yes to getting engaged if we weren't in the same location yet.

 

i dunno.

[DN]

I also read that being in the same country without being married would be problematical because of work visa etc. That seems to me to be a difficulty that is hard to overcome - how do you plan on doing that?

[monkey1]

i don't know. it's why it's all very complicated and i don't know really what to do. i mean i want to stay with him, but it might be hard to really be together without getting married before hand and applying for a spouse/fiance visa.

 

it's why i'm all confused.

[shikashika]

If you have any doubts whatsoever.. then I don't think you should get engaged because you feel pressured to

 

It could also just mean he isn't the right person for your if getting engaged to him ( sealing that commitment!) freaks you out... if I was getting engaged to someone I'd want them to be overjoyed not freaked out!

[DN]

Well, if you have serious doubts about being engaged and then married then I think you should consider ending the relationship. It seems to have practical difficulties as well as romantic ones. You have every right to have doubts or to call off the relationship but you should give him the opportunity to find someone else if you don't think a relationship will work out.

[annie24]

Well, if you have serious doubts about being engaged and then married then I think you should consider ending the relationship. It seems to have practical difficulties as well as romantic ones. You have every right to have doubts or to call off the relationship but you should give him the opportunity to find someone else if you don't think a relationship will work out.

 

yes, I agree. It seems to be a "chicken or egg" problem. You don't want to get married until you've lived in the same area as each other, but you can't live in the same area unless you are married..... unless you two figure out a different way. I agree, I think if you two are thinking of moving things to the next level, you should start coming up with some sort of concrete plans. One of you should try to move to the other country for 6 months - 1 year..... and see how things go. If well, then get married, if not well, then end things.

 

It seems like you two have hit kind of an "intersection" where you need to decide if you want to take things to the next level, or break it off....

 

good luck

[ghost69]

look at it this way, you are thinking of getting married to see if it would work out. doesn't that seem extreme?