its a lonely ole night

[txblues]

first club - too packed, lack of quality, nothing to do

 

second bar/club - decent crowd

1. stood near an asian girl, tried to make eye contact but i turned away; walked away

2. at the bar waiting for a drink, girl behind me asks do i know so and so bar, no, i say, so i take it your not around here i say. no i'm from blah blah she says. i never been up that way i say. where do you like to go in blah blah... a country bar she says. bye babe she says

3. at the bar again. overweight girls asks me if i'm waiting for a drink. i'm undecided i say. she was visiting town; she went to so and so school majored in blah. smart girl

4. turn to my right, single girl on the fringe of a group, back was turned. i touch her back and lean in a bit. "having a good night?...are you from around here.. come here often" all one word replies from her..i have a boyfriend she says.

5. stood near some girls dancing acting like i enjoyed the music; tried to make eye contact, nothing

 

hope to keep this updated.

[Leonhart]

majored in blah.

 

I majored in blah, too. lol

 

I just found that amusing.

 

Anyhow, keep it up. I'm sure you'll find someone somewhere! It's persistance that pays off! And you're out there; you're doing stuff. It's bound to pay off sooner or later.

 

I'm rooting for you.

 

Good luck.

[tomb]

Can I mention that approaching perfect strangers from behind freaks people out. Just thought I'd mention it.

[txblues]

me and hangout girl email/texted each other about meeting up again, but she texted me late so i just ignored it to text her again some other time.

 

taking the advice of others i figure i continue working on my insecurities and shyness, try to meet more people in the local area, practice conversational skills. i should have more confidence since i've developed something with this girl right???

 

but it turned out to be another lonely, frustrating night again. saw 300 by myself at the mall. as i was heading out, made eye contact with a cute girl who was walking the other way; she might have smiled, but i didn't look long enough. wish i had something to say in this situation, but i didn't so i kept walking and thinking, wishing, wondering...

[txblues]

yes its that time again.

 

been feeling pretty focused lately. studying more for the GRE, exercising more, and even trying to follow a self help book on gaining confidence as opposed to scanning it and proclaiming it useless.

 

well sat. night i go out to a club, only place offering any possibility of social interaction. pretty slow start. almost gave up. then a bunch of girls showed up. caught the attention of a girl who was dancing. we held eye contact for a good 3 or 4 seconds. is this an indicator of interest??? or she wanted to be the superior one and wait for me to look away first?. something inside of me told me to not be shy and look away. so she looked away first. wonder if this could be creepy??? well i make it closer to where she was dancing and ignored her the rest of the night... though from the corner of my eye. she might have been checking me out. i was too shy to look at her again. how do i make contact with her? she was either dancing or sitting around with all her friends; so hard to approach in these situations. i'm always waiting for the single girl around the dance floor or at the bar. but it seldom happens.

 

sunday went to the mall; asked a girl an opinion about a shirt. another girl for direction to a place i already knew...

 

now that i think about it guess she did have some interest since when i was standing close to her and her friends and ignoring her she didn't move away... another missed chance.

 

 

 

 

"Tricky time never slows,

That moment walked me by

without bothering to say..."

-DD

[Dating Coach]

Keep these updates going. I bet this could be a good "walkthrough" for a lot of guys struggling out there.

[txblues]

the book says the next step is to give a compliment, then after that is telling her she's attractive. seems really awkward to me to go up to a stranger and say that and just walk away.

 

been thinking of using my asking for direction angle perhaps to a bar and grill place in the mall and inviting the girl along. hmm??? what do you think? i'll have to think about this and how i can jazz it up a bit, build some connection first...but how???

[Dating Coach]

What book are you referring to?

[txblues]

"If you meet a stranger it is best to approach them in an environment that is not threatening, and do so in a friendly manner. When you meet someone new you probably have at least an idea of how to start a conversation based on what they are wearing, where they are at, what they are doing, etc. Whatever your approach is, it is best to be friendly, calm, appear interested in what they have to say, and smile."

 

how to start and carry the conversation - that is my pitfall. i become shy and get too down on myself because i'm not good at carrying on a conversation, without resorting to 20 questions. been reading shy guys guide to confidence. also picked up some good points from a book on small talk. what do you recommend?

[wintersolstice]

You seem to view women as objects "one overweight girl said blablabla" "approached another girl from behind, she had a boyfriend" that is something you might want to work.

 

Girls can tell really easyily when you act like this.

 

Maybe view girls as people and not just a collection of attributes i.e. overweight/smart girl.

[wintersolstice]

as far as conversation is concerned i would suggest you always be reading or involved in something that is legitimatley interesting.

 

also girls love to talk about themselves so thats a good topic. hint: if you ask a girl about herself and she is non-communicative, that means she is non-interested.

 

socializing isnt that great anyway. being shy isnt the worst thing in the world. accept yourself.

[txblues]

You seem to view women as objects "one overweight girl said blablabla" "approached another girl from behind, she had a boyfriend" that is something you might want to work.

 

Girls can tell really easyily when you act like this.

 

Maybe view girls as people and not just a collection of attributes i.e. overweight/smart girl.

 

How do i view them as a person if they don't give me the chance to get to know them? and the only thing i have to work off of is the intial conversation which is just pretty much superficial small talk i.e. the 20 questions. i don't know how to build connection beyond the superficial stuff...

 

I have hung out more with one girl., whom i've emailed for the past year. she told me about her school, hopes, goals, work, politics. a little bit about her family...joked here and there; flirted under the influence(of legal substances ofcourse). are these still only superficial attributes? how do i steer the conversation into something more personal, meaningful? to have some bond.

[Dating Coach]

how to start and carry the conversation - that is my pitfall. i become shy and get too down on myself because i'm not good at carrying on a conversation, without resorting to 20 questions. been reading shy guys guide to confidence. also picked up some good points from a book on small talk. what do you recommend?

 

Find things in the conversation to tease them about. Make fun in a joking manner. It's called flirting. Chemistry isn't usually built with conversations like,

 

"Hey. Nice weather. Do you like volleyball? I like it. We should play sometime"

 

Doing the same conversation but with some chemistry building flirting going on would be more like:

 

"I can't believe you're wearing that outfit on a day like this! Are you an eskimo or do you enjoy freezing? You know, you'd warm yourself up with a game of volleyball but I have to warn you, I'm semi-pro!"

 

Just a quick example to show you the difference.

[txblues]

i've realized again how empty and superficial my life is. now its a thorn in my mind. has my whole life been like this?

[Dating Coach]

Really? How so?

[txblues]

as the other poster said i view females not as people but attributes...likewise i realized i've defined myself in my lifetime with these superficial attributes...the clothes i wear, the stuff i own, the education i've received, the goals i've set and want to accomplish: learning a new language, going back to school, learning my job, maybe travelling, seeing new things... these are means to accomplish materialistic ends.

 

what did it used to be? it was always a dream to go to college, make good grades, get a good job, find a girl to date...religion? i have issues there from years of depression, lonliness, emptiness...its placed on the backshelf.

 

now is life to just to eat drink and be merry?? the pursuit of relationships? there isn't too much to myself to offer to others. what is there beyond my everyday routine of work, exercise, study, sleep? how about helping others since i enjoy doing that at work, but again i think i'm doing this for the selfish reason of feeling good about myself and my progress at a new job. i can't tell. should i care? will i figure it out eventually and while continuing my superficial goals and ways toward self improvement until something else comes along.

 

thanks for listening. guess i'll head to the mall, play the eye contact game and pretend my superficial attributes like job, education, goals are enough to make me happy and confident of who i am. i don't know what else about me would.

[wintersolstice]

Superficial attributes, not to judge you but you seem immature and very very self centered. I don't know if you'd be ready to have a girl friend.

 

It seems like you want an ideal girl (i.e. not perfect looking but not "overweight" either) and I would guess you probably ignore or are not that nice to women who aren't good looking and are intimidated by women who are good looking.

 

That's what I meant by superficial.

 

Also when you talk to the girl its probably VERY OBVIOUS you are talking to her because you want to "date" her (sleep with her?..maybe... you just want female companionship) and that is very obvious also.

 

It makes you seem uninteresting because you're not out in the world looking for new experiences/interesting people you are meeting people with a specific goal in mind: to serve you. You're like Robinson Crusoe and that is a gargantuan turn-off.

 

That's why you need to look inward and become intrinsically motivated (do something because you like it) rather than sizing women up for date-ability and treating them accordingly.

[galaxy71]

Wintersolstice, that was pretty rude and disrespectful to insult a shy guy who is trying to improve himself. There is nothing in his post that shows that he is "immature" and "self-centered". The reason he is using these attributes to describe women is the fact that he does not know these women at all. His goal is not to place a specific woman on a pedestal, but to improve his social skills with women in general. Calling a girl "smart" and "overweight" are ways he can recall a specific girl. Sorry, but there is nothing wrong with calling a women overweight on an anonymous, internet forum.

 

It is bizarre when you critize a guy who wants a girl who is not "perfect-looking" or not "overweight". Everyone, both male and female is entitled to their preferences. Winter, it is none of your business to judge someone for their preferences.

 

You are judging him when you think he is meeting women for the purpose of "sex" or companionship. You are so far from the truth. The OP wants to overcome his shyness by talking to women. It is none of your business whether that guy is looking for sex or a girlfriend. Women don't mind being picked up when the guy is making her laugh and feel comfortable.

 

Your statement that the OP "should accept yourself" instead of improving his social skills is another reason why I keep on referring nice guys to other websites. He is just improving the self he already has!!! On the other websites I refer guys to, guys are encouraged to improve themselves and to improve their social skills without fear of judgement or reproach.

[Dating Coach]

now is life to just to eat drink and be merry?? the pursuit of relationships? there isn't too much to myself to offer to others. what is there beyond my everyday routine of work, exercise, study, sleep? how about helping others since i enjoy doing that at work, but again i think i'm doing this for the selfish reason of feeling good about myself and my progress at a new job. i can't tell. should i care? will i figure it out eventually and while continuing my superficial goals and ways toward self improvement until something else comes along.

 

No. Who cares if you are doing things like helping people for "selfish" reasons of making you feel good about yourself. What is the point of living if you aren't making yourself feel better? There is a such thing as a healty level of selfishness. Don't be ashamed that you do things for yourself. Be glad that you care about yourself enough to do these things for yourself. Whitney Houston said the greatest love of all is learning to love yourself. She's not saying you have to be a self centered jerk but she's saying that in order to truly be a healthy person you have to love yourself and treat yourself right.

[Dating Coach]

Well said.

[txblues]

 

It seems like you want an ideal girl (i.e. not perfect looking but not "overweight" either) and I would guess you probably ignore or are not that nice to women who aren't good looking and are intimidated by women who are good looking.

 

That's what I meant by superficial.

 

 

how many lonely shy guys here strive for their ideal ? if they didn't i bet most would probably have girlfriends. that's the impression i get.

 

I have my preferences but its not the ideal 9 or 10. I don't approach someone if i'm not attracted to them just to strike a conversation. Besides they're doing something anyway and have no interest in me and if i don't have an interest in them why bother? And since i don't have an interest it would be just fooling myself and her wouldn't it?

 

I try to be nice and cordial in my everyday interaction and practice small talk: the lady at the parking booth, cashiers, salespeople at the mall. the few females i interact with at work, i strive to treat them with the same high level of professionalism and respect that i strive to show toward males.

 

but i don't approach random strangers for the purpose of small talk. that seems like i'm just using them for practice, which is a little mean; but wow even trying to be nice and considerate isn't getting me anywhere these days since i come off as self centered and immature.