So I tried to break up with her...

[rpare001]

So I tried to break up with my girlfriend the other night, we had spent the previous day together and although it went well, I wasn't as talkative as I usually am, and she noticed that and thought I was mad at her. The next night she texted me asking why I was mad at her, and I called her and explained to her that I really wasn't happy with the status of our relationship and I felt I deserved a little more out of her (for those of you who don't know the full story check out my previous posts in Dating and Relationships). At first she just got pissed and said "look I don't feel like dealing with this right now." I guess she didn't think I was serious at first. So I told her that we shouldn't speak to one another anymore and she said "ok whatever," and I said goodbye. So I removed her from my facebook, myspace, aim, etc, preparing for NC.

 

About 15 minutes after the call (I was feeling like total crap at this point) I started to get text messages from her, which got increasingly frantic, which I didn't respond too, and believe me it took everything in me to not respond. Then a little later she started calling me, and finally I gave in and picked up. At first she was still pissed and was trying to attack me, giving me the usual arguments about how I'm selfish and trying to force her into something she didn't want (a more serious relationship) and everything, again, see my previous posts for more background. Then she started to get the idea that I was being totally serious and not just trying to gain leverage over her like she accused me of. She then started crying and asking me "what do you want me to do? what do you want from me?" I told her I didn't want anything from her, that I realized she didn't want a more serious relationship and I respect that but it was time for me to go find someone who does want a relationship with me.

 

Amazingly she began admitting her faults, she said she realized she had only really thought about herself in terms of our relationship. She also admitted that because of what had happened to us before (again, see the old posts), she was afraid she was going to hurt me again in some way, so she was purposely keeping me at a distance, but still wanted to have me in her life, which she admitted was completely unfair to me.

 

This is where it got a little weird for me; she then started talking about how highly she regards me, and that I am very "prospective" for her, and that she thinks about me on a completely different level than any other guy she has ever dated, and that if we start a serious relationship, thats it for her, and that idea scares her, which was another reason she wanted to keep me at a distance, and was afraid of ruining it somehow if we got any closer. She said some other things along those lines but I can't remember all of it exactly.

 

So I was left a little speechless by what she said, and we spent the rest of the phone call talking over what my problems with our relationship and sort of working things out and coming to compromises, I don't know if it really had any kind of effect or not, I'll be seeing her next weekend most likely, although I'm still a little on edge about our relationship, and I think I will be until I see that theres been any kind of real change. I mean I wasn't trying to break up with her for lack of feelings for her, but because I felt like she was simply marginalizing me in her life, and I think she now knows that her actions made me feel that way.

 

Well I just thought I'd share that with you guys, I haven't told anyone else about it yet, I'm not sure if I made the right decision in even answering the phone call or not, but I guess I'll have to wait and see about that.

[DropToZero]

Yeah...same problem with my ex-girlfriend man. Except you seemed to be involved a little more deeply with this girl. Other than the relationship "length", I've had the same thing with her though. This girl and I always dated *unofficially* on and off(b/c she was afraid of relationships, but so was I somewhat), but finally made it a relationship, then after 2 months she went back to her ways. Just like you said above, started pushing me away, not calling, not paying much attention or wanting to see me. Then finally I had-had it, told her I was finished playing the stupid games and I didn't deserve it for everything I gave to her.

 

My ex took it a little better, but I got the same speech, about her naming all her faults and problems in her life, saying she wasn't *ready* for a relationship(she had a lot going on in her family, but...then again, we've all got personal problems) then claiming how I was "better" than her and deserved better, and I was a great b/f. At the time, I like you listened to it all and took it in, and told her that in the future maybe we could try again...but after a long hard time of looking at my life, and everything I'd been through with her...I'm done....she won't change, I dont want anything else beyond a loose "friendship" with her.

 

So...if you want my advice, I'd say leave her, she isn't going to change for you, and in context, you don't want her to. And yeah, I know it's hard...I had a hard time breaking up with my girl too, I think I took it harder than her, but it's for the better. At this point in time she isn't ready, she may *change* to make you happy for a little period of time, but it wont last long and she'll just go back to the way she was, so...just move on. Good luck

[DN]

Decide what you want from her both now and in the future and then try to determine as rationally as you can whether she will be able to provide those things. If you have realistic doubts then I think you should tell her so and see what she says. Unless she can commit to at least trying to be in a committed relationship with good long-term prospects then I advise letting her go now rather than having to do so with even greater heart-break later.