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Arousal Problem, etc.


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Let me give some background before I tell you my problem. I’ve been dating a girl for over a year and we’ve been having oral sex virtually everyday since the beginning. I am very happy with things on my end…I like to fantasize about her while she goes down on me and think about all the wonderful things she does for me and all the fun we have together. We’ve made a half-hearted attempt at anal sex a few times because I requested it, but no penetration ever occurred because I didn’t want to force anything. I’ve asked her to let me finish in her mouth during oral sex…she tasted my you know what and didn’t like it so she didn’t agree to do it…it’s a shame, but whatever. We both worry excessively about pregnancy, so we have yet to try normal sex. She will initiate sex I’d say about 6 days a week, and enjoys doing all these things. I also enjoy going down on her. I love her taste and the intimacy it creates. She likes it too, however, she has a very difficult time getting an orgasm from anything other than a vibrator that we bought a while back. She can, however, get one easily from this vibrator. So during like 95% of our sex “sessions,” I will go down on her, get either nowhere or only to the point where it feels “good, but not great,” and I end up lying by her side while she brings herself to orgasm with the vibrator. Until recently I’ve been able to get her to orgasm using cunnilingus about once a month (trying once a day, remember), but lately the rate has fallen. We’re both a bit frustrated from this and have tried many, many varieties and techniques, but nothing works. However, it doesn’t bother either of us too much anymore…we’re content to keep working on it. One further thing…on days where we don’t have sex, she will 99% of the time end up using the vibrator by herself at some point.


Ok, now that all that is said, here’s my problem. She also has a “belly” fetish…and by that I mean girls who have a slight beer gut. She is aroused by seeing either pictures of these types of bellies or me whispering stories in her ear of girls gaining weight while she uses the vibrator. Now, this in and of itself doesn’t bother me, as we’ve been doing this everyday for a year. But, I’ve recently begun to worry that she doesn’t fantasize about me or have anything related to me in her head while she’s climaxing. She tells me that she enjoys thinking about me and our life together and is sexually attracted to me, but nothing gets her aroused besides her fetish. She may be telling me this just to make me feel good, I don’t know. Maybe guys and girls are just different…but it bothers me that she doesn’t get aroused, or only gets briefly aroused (it’s gone by the time I go down on her) when I tell her how good she tastes down there or tell her how beautiful she looks or give her a passionate kiss or take her to dinner, etc…I feel like the orgasm is what she’s after. She says that it makes her happy when I tell her I like doing those things to her/for her; she likes knowing that I find her attractive and sexy, it just doesn’t arouse her. I know she loves me and wants to marry me, but I don’t feel a real bond during sex. It also makes me feel like when she goes down on me, since she doesn’t get aroused doing it, she only does it to please me, but not because she really wants to. I, in contrast, get very aroused during the few times when I’m going down and she’s moaning in pleasure. I guess I wished that she found it arousing going down on me…it would make it more passionate and more enjoyable for me. Is this normal?...Am I even making sense? Am I worried for nothing? Am I being selfish? I also worry that since she is going to use the vibrator everyday regardless of whether we’re together or not, and since she probably doesn’t fantasize about me or necessarily think about me during her orgasm no matter whether she’s with me or not, I feel like she’s after the physical sensation, and any pleasure she gets from doing it with me is just secondary. Yet at the same time, she hates it on the occasional sessions where I don’t feel like having an orgasm after she’s had one…which leads me to believe that she does enjoy doing things after all. And at the same time, when I ask her why she’s upset if I don’t want to orgasm, she says “because it’s natural for a guy to want to do that and I feel like something’s wrong if you don’t.” Any thoughts on any of this would be appreciated.

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you have sex everyday and you are worried?


Some women never have orgasms unless they use a vibrator... it's a question of anatomy etc. and if it takes a vibrator for her, you should be fine with that.


You really are trying to control her thoughts and desires and what turns her on (i.e., worry about her vibrator, worry about her fantasies etc.), which really is a waste of time. there is just no way you can control another person's thoughts, or their fantasies etc., and what turns YOU on won't necessarily turn her (or any other woman) on.


If you find her sexuality offensive or are really incompatible in what you like (and she doesn't turn you on), then i would worry about it. As long as you are both enjoying sex and incorporate whatever it takes for both of you to have orgasms into it, you are fine.

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If you are having oral sex everyday (or she uses the vibrator everyday), after while it will be harder to have an orgasm, because you will become used to the sensations, etc. I suggest not having oral sex virtually everday. Then when you do have oral sex, it should make it all the more better, after not having it in awhile.


About the "it feels good but not great" thing.... that is how I feel with my boyfriend, but we are just starting out with the whole fingering thing, so it is fairly new. I communicate to him what feels good and what the right spot is, and it feels so much better the next time he fingers me. Communication is the key. If she is only able to get off from the vibrator, instead of having her do it, you should use the vibrator on her.


Try not to fret to much about her fetish thing... you can't control her sexual desires. You should tell her your concerns, and that way, you can stop worrying about it and focus on what's really important.


On the whole though, you sound like a very sweet and sincere person who genuinely cares, and she is very lucky to have you.


I hope that what I said was helpful in some way. Good luck!

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Jim, you may get lots of different advice from people.. including my own... but, i can give you my personal experience with this. First off...what struck me is when you said you were thinking about marrying her. ....you dont want to marry someone if you are not sexually compatable. That will be a BIG issue in the marriage relatinoship.


Me and my husband have been married for 7 years. I turned 26 in Janurary. We were young and "in love" ... and so we got married as teenagers... 19. We didnt even consider our emotional, physical, or character compatability. As teens ... we didnt think of such things... we just were attracted to each other and "used to each other".. since we had been together all through highschool...sexually as well. But the truth is... now.. we have never had a "growing" marriage. We have both simply existed with one another in a level slightly above a friendship...only with sex as an additive. But deffently not a marriage relationship.

We think quite differently, so our views are differnet on life and on how to deal with relational problems. I want to deal with stuff "right then".. attack it agrssively because its important. And if yu dont... i feel you dont think its important enough or valuable enough to you to do so. Put your whole self into it if its worth saving! On th other hand...>>> Hes passive with relational problems and feels cornered or like a failure when things go wrong.

Sex was always a problem too...we have different views on it. He's very reserved... im not...but felt i had to be... so the passion never developed. I began to feel used, as if he just wanted the sex...but not me. I withdrew, i felt he didtn love me, he felt i didnt respect or admire him, we both drifted farther and farther away, an affair happened eventually on my part, and now here we are barely hanging on becase of issues we chose not to look at prior to our commitment. I only discussed the ones i thought may be relevant.


If you and your girlfriend are having sex problems now.. i would deffently resolve them before getting married... as well as any other "personal" type probles. Discuss life issues... kids, morals, goals, finances, future plans, relational views, how committed you are to one another really, what you feel will cause the relationship to grow and flourish properly, SEX... deffently... and whatever else may be valuable in a future marriage relationship between you two. If you want a healthy one.


And about her using a viborator ...and only being able to reach her climax that way.... I have personally never used any ouside objects or toys during sex..never. I havent planned it that way... but its just how things have played out for me. And i've never needed to is one reason why i've never gotten any i think. I have read on it...and have heard that women who use toys or things such as that end up having their bodies acustomed to that type of stimmulation. Meaning... anything less doesnt stimmulate them anymore. And, combine that with having sex every day or using that stimmulation every day.... it will naturally be hard for her to reach orgasim any other way... leaving you feeling inadiquate im sure. I've never personally been in that specific position ... and i dont know either of you, but if i were her.... i would throw the toy out for a while. Eventually... her body will re-ajust. But that's just my thoughts. Im not saying it would be the easything to do... especially if you say she's so intent on doing something one way or another every day. But... i would think it would be better in the long run. Using toys during sex is fine and can be fun and exciting...even though i never have.. BUT>> becoming dependent on them during sex instead of your partner is a bad thing. It cause less intamicy and can make the partner feel a lot less adaquate as a sexual partner...which can easily lead to discourse and withdrawl. Hope this helped a little.

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