visualising failure/accepting rejection

[txblues]

i think i've come up with a system to overcome my shyness. in this new mindset i talked to few strangers last night at a bar, and took a few risks. so i feel just a bit better instead of hating myself for the rest of the week. in my quest of understanding my shyness/introversion i was getting frustrated with all the readings i did and nothing seemed to help. just be confident i read. i don't know what confident is or feels like. just walk to a girl and talk others say. i would never know what to say. tap yourself, tried that without anyluck; visualise success, but i wouldn't know what to do to visualise.

 

but then i thought if i just said hello what's the worse that could happen? she ignores me, walks away...and then i even thought of other ways i could be rejected just for saying hello. i've visualised how i would approach, my social awkwardness and what the girl could do to embarrass me in an effort to prepare me mentally for rejection and accept it. some outcomes so comical made me realize how silly this fear can be. so far the rejection scenarios i've visualised are:

 

1. ignoring me and/or walking away

2. thinking that I'm too ugly/short/old/geeky/asian not charming enough, not rich enough/not ghetto enough/not educated enough

3. speaking her mind "your too ugly/short/old/geeky/asian not charming enough, not rich enough/not cool enough/not ghetto enough/not educated enough for me so get lost"

4. staring at me waiting for me to talk and asking "are you retarded?

5. slapping me and walking away

6. pulling out a knife and stabbing me

7. pulling out lipstick and writing loser on me

8. throwing her drink on me

9. and my favorite - spitting in my face - just for saying hello

10. lastly any combination of the above to add insult to injury like 9 followed by 8.

 

anything else outrageous i can visualise to put my mind at ease so that approaching a girl becomes almost comical?

[lady00]

I think maybe your focusing on the rejection scenarios is actually just making them more likely to happen. I have found in my life that when I focus on negative stuff that I don't want to happen...it happens. Psychologists have called it the "self-fulfilling prophecy" it's not hokey-pokey pseudoscience but rather the idea is if you think about something too much and visualize it happening, you will probably end up doing things to make it more likely (especially in terms of being less confident, not putting in the amount of effort you need to about yourself and not putting in the amount of effort you need to which defintely affects the outcome of your pursuits!).

 

Instead try to focus on the posities...I'm not saying you have to imagine someone falling in love with you at first sight, but why not imagine a girl at least being interested in what you have to say and having a fun conversation with you?

[Timebandit]

Another trick that has worked for me, is to set yourself up so that you cannot lose.

 

If you f.ex. are going to approach someone, realize that if they reject you, you will be able to learn how to handle rejection. And being able to handle rejection is a very important skill!

 

It is of course closely related to your point about, think what could really be the worst thing that could happen. The worst thing that could happen, is really that you will push yourself, and that you will learn something.

[Leonhart]

Bingo!

 

Even athletes practice visualization. And guess what?! It works! They do better when they picture themselves successfully making the shot or making the save.

 

So it works with even this. The more you imagine failure, the more it will happen, because you're setting yourself up for it.

 

The more you imagine success, the more you set yourself up for it. Self-fulfilling prophecy, if you will. Now, if I could only do this myself, I'd be all set. (Sometimes, it can be downright hard, if not impossible, visualizing a positive end result.)

[Beyondthesea]

Actually I think you should do what you are doing in reverse. Visualize SUCCESS.

 

Visualize walking up to someone and getting the reaction you want, and it will happen.

[txblues]

i think by visualising these scenarios, i'm addressing my fear of approaching and rejection; that way i can handle rejection better laugh it off, and move on; once i get a grip on my fear and have more experience i'll be able to visualise succeeding and improving the skills.

 

athletes are in the game and visualising techniques for success. i'm not even in the game yet to start visualising techniques for success

 

however the girl i talked to last night, using the charming and original "hello how are you" angle told me she had a boyfriend. so i'm scheming of ways to counter this and thinking of things to say.

[txblues]

 

Instead try to focus on the posities...I'm not saying you have to imagine someone falling in love with you at first sight, but why not imagine a girl at least being interested in what you have to say and having a fun conversation with you?

 

haven't really had a fun conversation with a girl so i don't know how to visualize it; not much interesting about me. met a girl once we talked about work since we were in the same line, but its seldom i meet someone in the same field or has any interest it

[spirits]

You say you are shy but when you meet a guy friend, are you also scared or do you feel like you're acting normally?

 

Secondly, you think in terms of system, so I suggest you think in a way that is more action oriented. Perhaps create your system to talk with more people.

[txblues]

i don't normally talk to strange guys unless they talk to me. yes i've been socially akward around people in general. i try to talk to others with a simple hello how's your day just trying to be friendly, like the clerk at the cleaner, bartenders, waitresses, salespeople. but there is something about going out by myself tyring to meet other that makes me often withdraw and not talk to anyone, and hateful of myself for the rest of the week.

 

having a comical image of a girl spitting on me/throwing her drink on me helps me divert self limiting depressive thoughts of myself to where i don't care what happens anymore.

[spirits]

Lets just put it this way. It's very normal if you feel awkward talking to strangers. I was just sitting @ a restaurant one day and this guy... suddenly comes up to me and goes "Hey! what are you studying?" I felt like he's trying things on me because he has absolutely no reason to strike a conversation with me. Why the hell would he cares what i'm studying. Approaching strangers take a lot of skills. But one of them you must have is to get the other person to know WHY you are approaching them. Otherwise, you'll come off as really strange.

 

If you have been socially awkward, then begin with guys first.

[lady00]

 

having a comical image of a girl spitting on me/throwing her drink on me

 

Unless you seriously insult someone, that won't happen. You say there's nothing interesting about you. I just can't believe that's true. Why not think of it this way instead: Forget what is or isn't interesting about you...what are you interested in? I think you should try starting up conversations based on things that interest you if possible and finding people with similar interests. Go to places or join clubs with people with similar interests.

 

I think the comment about talking to guys that another poster said was not about strangers, it was about talking to your friends. I think practicing on your friends, just getting a converation going on some topic you're interested in, finding out more about what they are interested in is helpful. Of course when you're talking to a girl you like it's different but the same basic skills you need to keep a converation going can be developped by talking to your male friends and acquaintances about things that interest you.