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Please help me understand


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I'm new! I've been in an online relationship for 2 years.... Yes 2 years! He is from the same country that I am from, but he moved to a job in USA 4 years ago. We met online 2 years ago... none of us was looking for a relationship. It really just happened. We did all the normal things online couples do, chat 4 - 6 hourse a day, webcam, called at night, talked for hours and hours.


He is the more clingy one, needs attention all the time, which is draining sometimes, but I coped. There is no need for me not to trust him, there are no other woman in his life... I know that, because first of all the amount of time we spend together makes it impossible for him to have anyone else! He is ALWAYS available when I contact him. We are in contact with each other right through the day, I have his landline numbers for work and home, and I've spoken to his sister and mom a few times as well. We have send each other packages through snailmail etc..... I have more than 150 photo's of him that was taken on different occasions. I've seen him sleeping (webcam in his bedroom) webcam is on 24/7, so I really know exactly what this guy looks like! We really share everything!


Sounds cool hey?




He doesn't want to meet...His mom is still in the country where I am in, his sister is in USA with him. He is coming for the second time since our relationship started 2 years ago to visit his mom. He doesn't want to see me.


He says:


He is clingy now, he misses me now, he is not always coping well with the distance, and meeting me is just going to make it worse. He says he will not be able to let me go. Well he also says he cannot stay in this online type relationship for ever, but he will meet me, when he knows time is right for one of us to move to the other one. I cannot move right now, because of other stuff, and he still has a contract until 2009.


Does it makes sense to anyone??????




Look, I love this guy (whether you can fall in love with a person online is not the issue right now) I love him, do you think this could be a commitment phobic?

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It seems very strange to me to have a two year relationship and never have met. Mabey he's afraid that things will change when you finally meet him. If he's as clingy as you say, I don't think he'd be a commit-a-phobe. It sounds more like he's just very nervous about meeting you face to face.

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I'm not sure, how old are you? I'm not going to be down on cyber relationships (plenty of people here to do that for me!), but I *AM* going to be hard on the fact that you are spending your prime years waiting for some guy to connect with you.


If he won't meet up with you now, I don't think he ever will. I think it may be time to recast this chap as a penpal, and to look around for someone who can truly be there for you in person, to fulfil your needs and so on. I don't see this panning out, and I don't know why. Maybe he's panicky, maybe he's got cold feet, maybe he's got issues. But whatever - he's not keen to meet you. So I think you have to take the lead for yourself, and decide what YOU want from life.


Can this guy be your partner if he refuses to meet up with you?

What sort of relationship would you like for yourself?

How are you going to go about getting that?


I think some good hard thinking about what you want, and then if this guy can ever provide that, might give you the answers that you need.


But honestly - no, from your post, it doesn't sound like a happy ever after is just around the corner from you two. I'm sorry, I know that's hard to hear, but unless you're content with a long-distance penpal relationship, maybe now you need to reconsider?


Take care.

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Wow, first of all I didn't actually know it was standard for online couples to spend 4-6 hours on the phone, cam, comp or whatever. Guess I'm out of touch...


Anyhow. No. I don't think he is a commitment phobe.


Honey Pumpkin pretty much said everything I was thinking! This would be a good time to take a long hard think about what YOU want and whether the road you are going down right now is going to provide it.


After 2 years, I would think "It is time to move this along and see where it can go". Meaning: Meeting each other. Starting to find real time together (face to face, the old fashion stuff).


Where do you see this relationship going? And what you are willing to give up in the hopes of having it?


You have already made considerable sacrifies for this guy, whether you see that now or not.



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I can relate. I have been talking to a guy for a few months and I am realizing now that it probably is just a big joke to him. I am thinking of deleting my screen name altogether because I am receiving drama from the situation. If it's like this now, how will it be in REAL life?

I agree with Honey Pumpkin and start cutting your losses. He has already said he doesn;t wanna meet. That's proof enough right there he is not even sincere about his intentions. You deserve happiness and I don;t think you're going to get it with him.

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Thanks for all the replies


I don't think this is a joke to him, he is quite a serious type of person. I know I mean the world to him. He has never ever dissappointed me in any sense, apart from meeting me.


I hear whwat you all say. I am 36, was married long time ago, divorced for 6 years. He was never married. Believe me I am the stronger one here, and my eyes is open, and I also realise that I cannot spend the rest of my life being with a penpal only.


Its just something I don't understand?... I think I just want to rationalise this for myself, and try to understand the WHY behind it. You all have valid points, and yes maybe he has issues.


I know I'm gonna have to take the responsibility and make the decision of letting it go, I will do it. I almost did it the last time he was here. In fact I did, but he never stopped contacted me. And it just started up again, while he was still here. But he left without meeting me. And history is repeating itsself now again


I get the impressions sometimes he is a bit dependent on me. He prefers being online with me than going out to movies or doing stuff with friends.... btw he is 33 years old.


Thanks everyone! I thought about the commitment phobic, because, isn't it that its very comfortable for him while he is far from me, but the moment we get closer/intimate/meeting... he runs... but thanks!

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Oh and the other thing is... he wants to meet... but only when we have plans set in stone for the future... which we don't have now. But yes, maybe thats just an excuse! He doesn't want to meet me and leave me behind, thats his point, without knowing what the future holds in for us.

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the real question i guess is how much are you willing to risk?


if i where in that situation i would probebly just buy tickets and go visit. if he is afraid of not being able to leave, you will solve this by leaving yourself. you strike me as someone who really wants this to work. if that is indeed the case you will hate yourself in the future for not trying. you just need to keep in mind that you can not predict what the outcome is going to be. you could go and have an amazing week, but then come back and he wouldnt be able to keep going and the relashonship would be over.


atleast if the relashonship ended that way you would know you gave it your best shot.

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It may just be me, but the fact that he only plans to meet if you have plans set in stone for the future is a bit silly. You need to meet and make sure you're compatible in person before you can even know if you want to be together in the future. I had a roommate in college who was "dating" online, talking to this guy on the phone etc. constantly...only he didn't know she was NOT EVEN CLOSE to who she said she was. She had sent him pictures of me!! and she is the exact opposite, about 200lbs heavier, and even a completely different race. She only came clean after he said either we see each other or it's over...

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No I really am 100% its him on the pics... and we spend so much time on cam.

Astaro thanks and you know what its quite tempting to go to his mom;s place. Thats another thing, when I was in her area about 10 months ago, he gave me her address, and said I must go visit her. I've spoken to her a few times. But I never went, I thouhgt its only fair towards everyone to meet him first.


So yes, I was thinking about it, to just go there when he is here, its about 400 miles from where I am. On the other hand.... if it was me, and he just rocks up here without giving me notice I'd be a bit upset I think....


But its an option yes... thanks, I agree I will really have to think hard about this whole relationship and see what I'll do...

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Well he wants to meet when time is right for one of us to make the move... I have daughter that should be finished with school in 3 years. And he says then I can maybe move to USA to be with him, then we can meet, and make proper plans.


Thanks people for your replies...


I know he is not going to let go very easily, but yes I have a life to live.. so does he

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Look I know its not impossible, but I'll really be surprised if he is seeing or messaging other people online. There are just too many things I can show as proof that I'm the only one in his life, but yes I guess I'll just have to take control here, and let go of this relationship... i suppose if its meant to be, he'll be back and will be prepared to meet me...


Thanks everyone

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