woopsydaisy Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 Hi , ive just come out of a relationship with an alcoholic .We were going out together for two and a half years , she has ben sober on/off now for 3 and a half months, attending AA meetings.I basically pushed herself into getting help after finally losing my patience with her hitting the bottle.I could no longer put up with her unhealthy relationship with drink.She would drink when she would get anxious, and she has and is at this time depressed, which directly relates to her drinking habits.She would not drink everyday, but when she would drink she would drink a bottle of vodka and end up not been able to function/fall asleep, start crying etc. I felt that we could no longer go on together, the relationship depended on if she had a drink or not . One example going away for the weekend, she would always bring drink with her without me knowing , and while away she would end up drunk which in turn would spoil the weekend.Her addiction to alcohol would stem from self esteem issues and general anxiety.By the way her mom is an alcholic and i feel she sees herself in the same light, destined always to be dependent on drink. On my part early on in the relationship i always avoided the issue, when she would drink i passed it off as just a phase that she would be in.Stupidly i thought that by getting annoyed with her and discussing how i felt when she hit the bottle she would see my point of view, and would understand my frustration with her and drink.Finally last christmas i said to her that she had to get help with her drinking through AA.I had give her so many chances, but all of a sudden i came to a descion that i had to give her an ultimatium, get help or i would go. Now the situation is that she has been getting help since christmas going to AA maybe 4 times a week, however she has not remained sober , and i have spent many nights with her passed out on the bed due to her hitting the bottle (a whole bottle of vodka) leaving me feeling frustrated and wanting to get out.I said to myself that i would give it 3 months with her attending the meetings and see if things would change , sadly they havent .It came to a head on friday when we were suppossed to be seeing each other but she never got in touch and i ended up ring her mom who said she was at home drunk. I dont know whether ive done wrong by breaking off the relationship , and ive done more harm than good by giving her false hope the relationship may work by her getting help.At the moment i feel that ive let her down , and i know at this moment in time she will be hitting the bottle due to her feeling low about me breaking off the relationship.Can anyone give me any advice on what to do, have i made the right descion or should i have given her more time?.Ive attended AlANON , who offer support , but they can only do so much and i feel that at the moment i need a bit more advice .Your opinions would be appreciated, many thanks. Link to comment
RayKay Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 Don't blame yourself. The problem is she is not committed to changing or addressing her disease yet, because she is only doing it as you told her she "had to" or you were gone. She is not doing it as she genuinely is ready, wants to, or has hit rock bottom. She is going about this half heartedly. Going to AA meetings 4 times a week would be GREAT...if she was also following that dedication to it the rest of the time...which means not drinking! I think you need to walk away from this. It does not mean that in a few months if she has worked it through you cannot see if there is anything there (but, be warned, whom you know her to be may be entirely related to the alchohol rather than the reality)....but I do think she is not going to change until she is READY to for herself. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 I agree 100% with raykay...... I think you made the right decision to end the relationship. I think that it may actually help her in the long run, if she starts losing people because of her drinking. That may open her eyes as to the severity of her drinking. Link to comment
woopsydaisy Posted March 11, 2007 Author Share Posted March 11, 2007 Thanks for the replys, the only thing is a part of me feels like i have let her down by leaving her.I have said that maybe in the future we could be together, but the 100 million dollar question is even if she was sober it would be unfair for me to just walk out of her life again if she began to drink.I feel its just unfair to take only the pluses out of the relationship. The other thing is how do you go about initiating the no contact rule in this situation , i want to be there for her but obviously i dont want to get to close.Her mental health will go down hill even more (shes depressed at this time), like it does for the average joe, after any relationship break up.The only thing is this instance it would be ten times worse for her.....sorry to go on , im not expecting answers...its just confusing Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 the only thing is a part of me feels like i have let her down by leaving her. i don't know, maybe it is the kick in the pants that she needs. If she starts losing her friends, boyfriend, maybe even her job because of her drinking, she may get serious about getting help. like raykay said, some people have to hit rock bottom. as for no contact, I mean, you have your own feelings too to consider. do you know the phone number of her close friends or family? maybe tell them about the breakup and see if they can lend extra support to her. But i wouldn't continue being her shoulder to cry on, after all, you have your emotional health to worry about also. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 Im an alcoholic... Its horrible, it really is. I can be the most bitter, nasty person without a drink. One beer and I am back on top of things, happy and vibrant as ever. Your ex sounds more extreme than me, she didnt want to change and she only went to AA because you threatened her. She should have been honest with you and herself and just admitted that she doesnt want to stop drinking. You didnt do anything wrong by leaving her... she will either get worse or better, but you put up with a lot and you carried through with your ultimatumn. Its not enough to just attend meetings... she has to stop. But dont think its easy in the slightest. It hurts, you get paranoid and irritable. You dont feel like yourself. There is a continual nagging "needboozeneedboozeneedbooze"... it really is horrible Link to comment
woopsydaisy Posted March 12, 2007 Author Share Posted March 12, 2007 thanks for the reply eva, its must so hard for you. Its just that been with someone who is two diffrent people through out the relationship is hard, its really hard when she promises to stop drinking and make the relationship better, but just be let down again makes you think will it ever be right.Thanks for the reply Link to comment
EvaGina Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 thanks for the reply eva, its must so hard for you. Its just that been with someone who is two diffrent people through out the relationship is hard, its really hard when she promises to stop drinking and make the relationship better, but just be let down again makes you think will it ever be right.Thanks for the reply its ok I went out with an alcoholic like her for ages, his behaviour was enough to put me off drinking for a while!! I can manage my drinking, its hard, really hard, but I want to do it. She should have just been honest with you, given you the chance to walk away, but she was being selfish. Link to comment
shydragonfly2 Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 the man I am seeing is an alcoholic. I did the same thing. Told him if he didnt stop I was leaving. He says he cannot stop without me. He needs me. We go through the same thing. He is ok for a while then seems to fall back. We do not live together so I cannot say for sure, but I know by the way he treats me. It is hard, but I agree with RayKay, my bf also is not ready himself, has not hit rock bottom. Sometimes the best way to help someone is to do NC. I myself have not been that strong. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 the man I am seeing is an alcoholic. I did the same thing. Told him if he didnt stop I was leaving. He says he cannot stop without me. He needs me. We go through the same thing. He is ok for a while then seems to fall back. We do not live together so I cannot say for sure, but I know by the way he treats me. MANIPULATION Youre being sucked in big time. Last year, I was drinking for breakfast... I was bad... even I knew that it was up to me, no one else can help. Link to comment
woopsydaisy Posted March 12, 2007 Author Share Posted March 12, 2007 Hi, thanks for all your input.Yeah annie , ive got her familys number, and will tell them to keep an eye on her.Well im meeting her today to talk things over, basically im going to break the relationship off with her and just be friends .I dont want to do this , as she is such a nice girl.Im going to tell her that we can remain friends if she wants and i will be there for her, and if she improves then we may consider having a romantic relationship again.This is going to be really hard , cause i just feel like im picking and chosing which part of the relationship i want.Does anybody think that to consider been with her again in the future a good idea?...i could lose her completely to someone else when she is single , and then be sober for good ...which is a scary thought Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 you aren't letting her down by leaving the relationship. she has been letting herself down by being an alcoholic. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Does anybody think that to consider been with her again in the future a good idea?...i could lose her completely to someone else when she is single , and then be sober for good ...which is a scary thought The biggest issue is that she needs to be sober. I bet when she is sober, she may be a completely different person. I wouldn't entertain any thoughts of getting back with her until/if she ever gets sober. Link to comment
Rabican Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 You dont want to spend your life with someone who spends their life passed out drunk. That is a perfectly reasonable situation, and its entirely acceptable for you to make that choice. I commend you for giving her so many chances, and making the effort to get her help. However you are not her, and you cannot fix her... she has to do that on her own... and she doesnt want to do that or she would. My advice, hold your head high, know that you tried... it just wasnt meant to be, and move on. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 yeah, let her get herself straightened out before pursuing her further. let her make the effor to better her life before you can have a good relationship. Link to comment
SummerGirl38 Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 In my opinion, "NOTHING CHANGES, UNTIL SOMETHING CHANGES", so I definitely think you did the right thing ending the relationship. I can't say I have ever had a drinking habit, but I am a smoker, (don't know which would be harder to quit), My smoking totally disgusts my boyfriend. I tried to quit "FOR HIM" about a month back and it backfired on me. I have realized since then that I need to do it for me, when I decide to do it. I know I am destroying my health. I know one day I might have to carry around an oxygen tank or maybe I won't even get that lucky and I will die of lung cancer. Trust me, I know I should quit, BUT I JUST DON'T WANT TO, YET!!! If he came to me tonight and told me it's him or the cigarettes, I would try again "FOR HIM", but I can honestly see myself sneaking one in when he's not around. Once again, they are not the same comparison but if my smoking caused me to lose my boyfriend, my friends, my job, only then would I say I have hit rock bottom and I have to do this for me, because I can't live without these things. It sounds like you really love her, and if you really do, give her the tough love she needs. The only place you can go from rock bottom is up. Best of luck to you! Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 drinking is a tough problem to get rid of. people do need support to fix it. but if they can't initially make the effort, what is the point in helping. the word helping = assistance. if it's not assistance, you are doing the work all yourself and for someone who doesn't want help. Link to comment
woopsydaisy Posted March 15, 2007 Author Share Posted March 15, 2007 Thankyou so much for the advice everyone... even though i try to keep my head level headed, or i like to think so, hearing someones opinions on it from an unemotional viewpoint puts the situation in a diffrent, more clear perspective...thanks again Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.