Karen555 Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 Hello, I am new here. Hopefully this is the correct forum. I wasnt sure if I could put this here or under healing from a breakup. Currently I am going thru a difficult time in my life and feel very scared and alone. My husband who I have been with for 3 years gave me a concussion about 9 weeks ago. After that, I had some physical problems like not being able to remember my kids names the first two days after and also slowness with numbers and/or math. Also it caused my inner to be imbalanced and I have had pressure and veritgo. Well the physical has healed other than my ears are still a little bit imbalanced. But I am left with terrible mental angush. I didnt even realize how bad my marriage had gotten until after the concussion, I didnt even release that the things I was allowing to happen werent something I should have. I just thought I was being a good wife, helping him perhaps grow and overcome some of his dark problems. I know now I was just enabling him. I have been diagnoised with post tramatic stress disorder. I have some good days and then I have bad days where I feel like I am dying. It physically feels like I am dying - my heart may explode. My heart races, I feel like I am going crazy, and I have night terrors and nightmares and other things. I have been trying to heal myself by positive affirmations and doing positive things but somedays its hard. But to be honest here, I am alone where I live. I have no friends I have only lived here 4 yrs and in that time I choose to make none I thought my husband was enough and he also keep me pretty isolated. All my friends and family are back in my home state. So now when I need them the most I dont have any close! The hardiest thing to except for me is that I allowed all the horrifying things to happen to me. I can and have forgiven him. That was so easy. Its forgiving myself and being able to trust myself again. I dont know where my bondaries are anymore. It makes me question who I am and my purpose in life. I use to be a very strong woman. I could have died by some of the things he did to me. How do you get that out of your mind, how do I get the torture he did to me out of my mind, the sexual abuse, the mental/emotional and that I allowed it all to happen. I feel like I was brainwashed and I submitted to alot of these things in a state of stupidity. Do I need to actually talk about the things that haunt me in detail that happened to me? Is that what will release it? I want to heal. And now, I find it very hard to move forward because I still want him and love him but I know it is not safe for me to be with him. I am inlove with the ideal of what he could have been and the ideal of being a loving and good wife. I feel like I failed. And you know I cant even work now because I am not well because of all of this. So he has to continue to support me until I am better. He isnt upset about this and he is very loving and supportive. He has told me he didnt realize how bad he was. I believe that. But that doesnt change that I cant be with him. He enrolled himself in a 1 yr batter's program becaues he wants to heal himself and save his marriage. Yet all I can say to him is that, right now I am not able to live with him. We can talk as friends on a civil maner but that is all. And I told him in the future a yr or 2 I will reevaulate things. I dont want to lose his support, emotionally or finanicially. But I find myself craving to see him, be close to him, feel his arms and other twisted stuff that scares me. I just want the pain to go away. I want to stop feeling like I am going to die (literally). I want to move back to where i am from so I can be close to my family and friends, yet I cant seem to get up enough energy to go through all my crap and get rid of it. I hate my apartment because it has all the memories of him abusing me and the good times with him. It makes me feel ill in this house now. I dread going back into it when I have been outside. Thank god, I have children because if that wasnt the case I would have no meaning to be here. Thanks for listening and any advice would be appreciated. Its horrible feeling this way. Struggling, Karen Link to comment
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