Abusive husband

[Karen555]

Hello,

 

I am new here. Hopefully this is the correct forum. I wasnt sure if I could put this here or under healing from a breakup. Currently I am going thru a difficult time in my life and feel very scared and alone. My husband who I have been with for 3 years gave me a concussion about 9 weeks ago. After that, I had some physical problems like not being able to remember my kids names the first two days after and also slowness with numbers and/or math. Also it caused my inner to be imbalanced and I have had pressure and veritgo. Well the physical has healed other than my ears are still a little bit imbalanced. But I am left with terrible mental angush.

 

I didnt even realize how bad my marriage had gotten until after the concussion, I didnt even release that the things I was allowing to happen werent something I should have. I just thought I was being a good wife, helping him perhaps grow and overcome some of his dark problems. I know now I was just enabling him.

 

I have been diagnoised with post tramatic stress disorder. I have some good days and then I have bad days where I feel like I am dying. It physically feels like I am dying - my heart may explode. My heart races, I feel like I am going crazy, and I have night terrors and nightmares and other things.

 

I have been trying to heal myself by positive affirmations and doing positive things but somedays its hard. But to be honest here, I am alone where I live. I have no friends I have only lived here 4 yrs and in that time I choose to make none I thought my husband was enough and he also keep me pretty isolated. All my friends and family are back in my home state. So now when I need them the most I dont have any close!

 

The hardiest thing to except for me is that I allowed all the horrifying things to happen to me. I can and have forgiven him. That was so easy. Its forgiving myself and being able to trust myself again. I dont know where my bondaries are anymore. It makes me question who I am and my purpose in life. I use to be a very strong woman.

 

I could have died by some of the things he did to me. How do you get that out of your mind, how do I get the torture he did to me out of my mind, the sexual abuse, the mental/emotional and that I allowed it all to happen. I feel like I was brainwashed and I submitted to alot of these things in a state of stupidity. Do I need to actually talk about the things that haunt me in detail that happened to me? Is that what will release it? I want to heal.

 

And now, I find it very hard to move forward because I still want him and love him but I know it is not safe for me to be with him. I am inlove with the ideal of what he could have been and the ideal of being a loving and good wife. I feel like I failed.

 

And you know I cant even work now because I am not well because of all of this. So he has to continue to support me until I am better. He isnt upset about this and he is very loving and supportive. He has told me he didnt realize how bad he was. I believe that. But that doesnt change that I cant be with him. He enrolled himself in a 1 yr batter's program becaues he wants to heal himself and save his marriage. Yet all I can say to him is that, right now I am not able to live with him. We can talk as friends on a civil maner but that is all. And I told him in the future a yr or 2 I will reevaulate things. I dont want to lose his support, emotionally or finanicially.

 

But I find myself craving to see him, be close to him, feel his arms and other twisted stuff that scares me.

 

I just want the pain to go away. I want to stop feeling like I am going to die (literally). I want to move back to where i am from so I can be close to my family and friends, yet I cant seem to get up enough energy to go through all my crap and get rid of it. I hate my apartment because it has all the memories of him abusing me and the good times with him. It makes me feel ill in this house now. I dread going back into it when I have been outside.

 

Thank god, I have children because if that wasnt the case I would have no meaning to be here.

 

Thanks for listening and any advice would be appreciated. Its horrible feeling this way.

 

Struggling,

Karen

[Gracelove]

You poor thing!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sooooo sorry!

I deal with PTSD too.

Hey you know what you should do???

Do you go to work? Or are you a housewife?

Wait until he does to work one random day, and let the kids go to school like normal.

When he has been at work about 2 hours, go pick up the kids, drive to an airport, not in your town but the next town, charge a credit card for the flights, and FLY TO YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE, or to a family member in your home state.

*Don't pack anything. Just take your purse and go.

*When you and your kids get to your destination, send him an e-mail telling him that you and the kids are okay ~ that way if he tries to go the way of the "missing", you'll have proof (on your e-mail account) that you informed him the you were visiting family.

I don't know if I missed it, but did you go to the hospital for your concussion (sp?)???

Leave in a couple of days.

Do it for you and your children.

[Karen555]

Yes I went to the hospital and they have done 2 mri's to make sure I am ok because of the physical things that had been happening. Most of my memories have come back. Except the week around it happening is kinda hazy. The number/math thing has improved about 80 percent. I use to be able to do sudoku puzzles hardest level and then after that I had to start from level 1 and work really hard on them and I am up to 3rd level now doing ok. 4th is hardest in my book. So that tells me I am improving.

 

As for just going, I have actually thought about that. However, it gives me aniexty because in the past I would be punished for things I did wrong. And that would get me a huge punishment! Even though I am safe, my body doesnt know that yet or whatever makes the ptsd thing happen.

 

How long have you had ptsd and how long does it take to start feeling better? For me its been 9 weeks and now it seems I can go about 5-7 days and then I have problems(aniexty attack or panic attack or insomina or all of the above) and that can last 1-3 days. But it feels like forever!

 

Karen

[Gracelove]

Hey There!!!

 

It's so nice to hear back from you so quickly!

 

I've had PTSD for hum.....a little over a year now.

 

I was raped a little over a year ago. I was diagnosed with depression maybe 3 months after that, and then anxiety disorder probably two months after that....and then I was diagnosed with chronic post traumatic stress disorder a few months ago.

But I'm guessing I got all of them at once, but I'm not quite sure how those things go (whether you develop each one over time or all at once).. Anyways.

 

I have experienced hell on earth. I'm guessing it's the disorders, but life can be so crazy!

 

Things do get better.

 

I was on medicine, 3 different medicines actually, and I stopped taking them this past December.

 

I had gained a ridiculous amount of weight and wanted to go on a diet. And you can't take any medicine on the diet so I stopped taking it.

 

Anyways, I can totally relate to the whole abuse thing. I've been in an abusive situation also.

I know about the fear of punishment.............

 

Do you have any male family members that you can trust? Who would physically fight your husband to protect you and your kids.

 

You really need someone.

 

And I'm sure you know that you're in a really dangerous situation even though you may not want to think about it.

 

I can tell you that leaving him won't be easy, but it'll be worth it.

 

Actually maybe you should call a couple of male and female family members.

Have them fly down to get you, and they can come over while you're husband's at work, and help you pick up your kids, and you guys can fly back to your home state together.

 

You can't do it alone. In your condition you need help.

 

I don't know, you have children, so maybe that will help you leave.

You don't want them to see you come to harm or have to live this life without you.

 

 

Who will give them advice or help protect them.

 

Can you imagine how much pain they must be living in your household right now? Don't you want to spare them.

 

My cousin is currently living with her abusive husband, and I won't even go to their home to visit them. It hurts to know that she's in that type of situation you know.

But if she ever wanted to leave him I'd be on the next plane to get her. Luckly for her she has family close by to keep an eye on her.

 

You have to leave. And it will be hard because you love him, but he will kill you if you stay with him, and I'm sure you know it's true.

 

You've got to do it for yourself. If not yourself, your children.

 

And don't worry about the custody issue. You've gone to the hospital for your concussion and believe you me, I'm sure the staff didn't believe whatever story you might have given them about how you got it.

 

Anyways, I really feel for you a lot. I can understand where you're coming from for the most part.

[DragonGirl724]

Dearest Karen,

 

I agree with Gracelove.

 

You & Your kids need to be farrr away, far away from anything youre 'used to' and that reminds you of this guy. You need to begin the detachment process. The feeling of 'love' you speak of may be misinterpretted in your mind..I dont know for sure but maybe you are mistaking 'love' with 'fear of abandonment' or the 'fear of change', as well as fear of punishment and fear of starting over, and fear of being single after all this time. You have an attachment with him, how can anyone blame you..you've been through agony, love, devotion, pain, child births (and the list goes on) ALL VERY emotionally draining events! Its HARD to walk away from that! You feel absolutley spent and confused...especially after your self esteem and mind has been on such a ride for the past 3 years!!..You dont know what to think or feel anymore, you don't know what is 'normal' anymore, and sometimes what you 'want', or what you 'think you want' at the moment, is clashing with what you know in the back of your mind you're supposed to do. And that alone is uneasy and scary.

 

You may be questioning: "what happened?? when did it get this bad?? whats going on?? what happened to my marriage and my family??" and you feel you have 'tolerated' his behaviors until now so it is hard for you to accept leaving at this point in time. All these feelings are normal when someone is put into this kind of situation. But it isnt safe for you or your children. I know how scared, saddened and sometimes even ashamed you might feel to involve family & friends and how you feel like a 'failure' and you feel like you 'couldnt hold your marriage together' and maybe even accepting help and support is difficult at this time. But don't feel ashamed and dont feel like a failure!! You did everything you could and then some!! You may feel like a burden to the people you go to with your problems, but I assure you, the love your family & friends have for you will graciouslly protect you and Im sure they WANT to help you. And Im sure if any of them came to YOU with the same issues you would be quick to help them get out of it as well. But please, even though it may be 'easier' for the short term to stay and ride this out, realize it's NOT 'easier' its actually going to make things a lot more difficult in the long run and even harder to leave the longer you're with him..thinking it is 'easier' to just stay is just what you're being tought to think you deserve or what you are used to...But it is up to you to accept this behavior or not. Its very VERY DIFFICULT when you're in the mental state you are in. Its verrry traumatic and you may feel a 'loss' without him, an emptiness, a void, a missing piece...you may feel like you can't possibly handle any more emotional trauma, (which even includes the pain of leaving the source of the problem and adjusting to your new life) you may feel like you don't have the strength to leave, and you may feel weak, but KNOW that you are NOT!...and please for the sake of your own safety and the safety of your children remain out of contact with him while you are away after you let him know you left with the kids and you are all okay *so he doesn't press kidnapping charges on you* (dont let him know where you are for the safety of you, your kids and the people you are staying with-REMEMBER: it is not your fault he is sick in the head!) and know now that those feelings of emptiness and confusion will soon transform into happiness, satisfaction, pride, strength and a sense of control over your world. Feelings I'm sure you have lost touch with in the past few years of your life...Feelings that are almost foreign to you.

 

He has controlled you physically, mentally, socially and emotionally for years...its time to gain your self composure and do whats right for yourself and your kids. Its not going to be easy...but it has to be done. And you know it. You realized it when you contimplated on leaving in the past...you just have to do it this time! Go through with it! You WILL be okay! You will find comfort again within yourself. You will heal, grow and better yourself through the love of your children, family and friends...you will learn to love yourself again and your outlook on life will be a great breath of fresh air. You will start anew and enjoy your brand new life! This burden of your past will be lifted. You will be the you, you once knew, again...You just lost touch with her being in this type of relationship. Please go forth with this. Make the first step...Call and arrange a place to stay and book your ticket...I suggest paying in cash, leaving no paper trails. Please keep posting...Promise us that whenever you begin to second guess you're move, you will sign back onto this forum and read over the advice given to you here.

 

Good luck. YOU CAN DO THIS!! And BY doing this you are instilling strength not only into yourself but into the countless numbers of battered wives reading your topic right now as we speak!

 

Be well...and God bless!!

 

-DG724

[blender]

I'm so sorry you are hurting, but be proud of yourself, you are a survivor and you will get through all this, stay away from him.. stay away.. go to link removed read as much as you can about "detaching".. so you can start your healing, growing and getting to an emotional place where you realize the BEST is ahead of you.. and that YOUR future is going to be wonderful, empowering and full of miracles.

[DragonGirl724]

Guidelines for Detachment

Separating from "The Loser" often involves three stages: The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection.

The Detachment

During this part of separating from "The Loser", you recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from "The Loser" because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources. In many cases, "The Loser" has isolated their partner from others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs such as an automobile. During the detachment phase you should...

 

• Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how "The Loser" works.
  
• Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Loser" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.
  
• Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.
  
• If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order.
  
• If "The Loser" is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of "The Loser".
  
• Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore".
  
• Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Loser" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Loser" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Loser" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching.
  
• Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Loser" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down.
  
• As "The Loser" starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship.
  

[DragonGirl724]

Karen,

 

After a while...I promise, you won't even want to think about him and you will be a changed woman. It may even come sooner than you think.

 

-DG724

[Timebandit]

I am not competent to give you any advices here. But as I have known other women who have been in abusive relationships, I do feel for you. Please remember that the abuse was about him, and not really about you. And please remember that you deserve better, and that you deserve to be treated with respect.

 

I hope that the advices from the other ENA members will help you make the right decisions.

 

Take care of yourself.

[Beyondthesea]

I was also in a VERY abusive relationship for 7 years. I left, and it was the best decision of my entire life.

 

He entered into the 'batterer' program huh? Well, let me tell you this...my ex went to that, went to individual counseling, went to 'heal my inner child' things, went to hypnosis even...and then came home and abused me. It's sadly just who they are inside, and no amount of therapy can heal that, ever.

 

"The Loser" article saved my life. Read it, follow it, and live by it.

 

Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Loser" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Loser" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Loser" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching.

 

This quote is completely true. I started telling him that I was burned out, had nothing left to give, and (here's what kills them) didn't bother 'patching things up' when he had a fit about something. If he stormed upstairs and shut himself in a room, I let him. If he smashed something, I left it. If he screamed at me, I'd leave the house...this really confuses them. After all, shouldn't I have begged for his forgiveness for whatever had happened? Nope. Not this time, moron.

 

Eventually I left, and everytime he called, I would get disinterested and tell him I had to go to do ____. Always have something to do. Don't talk to him anymore than absolutely needed.

 

Trust me, it can be done. By the time I left, I was so emotionally and physically drained I slept constantly (in between work of course) for about 4 months. Now, I am a new person. I am completely me...silly, unrestrained and happy every moment.

 

And you can be too.

 

Make the choice...the trip may be rugged, but the scenery is breathtaking.

[Karen555]

Thank you for the replies. It helps give me hope and encouragement to stay positive.

 

To clairify something, him and I are already living apart. He got a job in another state 4 months ago or so and move there first and I am to follow when money permits. On one of his visits to me 9 weeks ago, that is when he gave me the concussion which sent me into ptsd and my coming aware that I was in an abusive relationship. Prior to that I didnt even realize it, I just though I was being a good wife or he had me believing I had been bad or it was my fault.

 

Now I struggle with part of me wanting to be with him and the other part that is terrified of him and knows that I can never be with him because he may hurt me again. I struggle with aniexty attacks, panic attacks, insomina, having a feeling like I am physically going to die, like my heart is going to give out, etc. Just last night I slept but woke about every hour and my body felt like it was shaking uncontrobbly and my leg muscles were achy and I felt like I needed to walk or run. All night long, no peace in sleep.

 

I hate our apartment here, when I am out I dread stepping back into it. I hate the bedroom because it reminds me of so much abuse. It feels like my apartment is evil, yet I know it isnt. It is the memories that are haunting me and I dont know how to make it go away.

 

I want to move to my home state where my family and friends are so I can be able to just get in the car and drive to my mothers. But part of the hard part about that, is that the job he took is in the same state and he is about 1 hr from my mothers. I am not worried about him hunting me down, I worry more about me having the strength to stay away from him. Part of me knows I should not but another part of me wants to be his friend. I am so confused. He is nice to me now. I feel like I want to be friends with him but keep it at a distance. I would NEVER feel safe alone somewhere with him. But part of me still longs for the companionship when he was nice. I guess that is where I need to heal me. I became quite isolated when I was with him. Perhaps if I was back in my home state where all my friends were, I would have that companionship with them.

 

But I would really like to know how to get thru the ptsd, the aniexty, the feeling of physical death inside my body, etc. Anything that could help me get thru those times.

 

Thanks again for listening and your kindness.

 

Warmly,

Karen

[blender]

Karen, you might feel better if you get informed on how many others there like you out there, who are going through the same agony of "wanting to be back into something you "know" and are just afraid of the wonderful possilbilities in your future, because after so many years with an abusive person you "sight" gets blurred as to what YOUR healthy alternatives are"...

 

so again, try going to link removed and read about "detaching"... educate yourself, work on you, celebrate your independence, and seek knowledge of how otheres were able to work through the "letting go" process.

[Karen555]

Thank you blender. And I put a hold on that book at my local library via there online website, so it should come in in the next day or two.

 

Yes and I having trouble seeing the future posibilies. I am having trouble understanding my purpose anymore. I was suppose to be a good wife and have a happy marriage. And I do feel like a failure. and because of the stuff that I feel I allowed to happen to me, I dont trust ME anymore. Because if I cant trust ME, how can I keep ME safe? I think that is more scary than him hurting me sometimes it feels like now.

[Beyondthesea]

What you really need honey, is to speak to a counselor. That will help a lot.

 

Right now you have learned a lot of false beliefs, which is why you are feeling so confused and upset and untrusting of yourself.

 

For example..

 

"I am a bad wife/person/etc"

"I am a failure"

"It's my fault this happened"

"I can't trust myself."

 

These are all false beliefs that you must challenge. If you sit and think about it, you will realize you have a lot of false beliefs sitting around, and all the negative self talk you have is due to that.

 

I too have had panic attacks, anxiety problems, etc. What helped me a lot is reading a few self help books on anxiety/panic. There's a workbook that helped me a LOT...I haven't had an attack now in probably 8 months. That instead of once every week or so..."The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" by Edmund J. Bourne, PH.d. It really works. Give it a whirl.

[Karen555]

Yes those are thoughts I have alot lately. I remember before the abuse started, I use to think of how strong I was, confident and trusted myself and my intuition.

 

Currently, I watch The Secret alot and am reading You can heal your life by Louise L. Hay. I also put your book you recommended on hold to be able to pick up in a few days from the library.

 

Thanks for the help!

 

Warmly,

Karen

[Beyondthesea]

I'm really glad to hear you are watching The Secret...it completely changed my life! I have been watching that and using it's principles for over a year now and my life has completely changed into something I never envisioned in my wildest dreams. I had a feeling you did when I read "Thank you for my healing."

 

I too, was VERY confident, strong-willed and independent before my ex abused me. I never in a million years envisioned I would allow myself to be in that sort of situation. It still blows my mind.

 

BUT know that you are on the right track, that is in the past. That was then, and this is now. You are finding your way, and although it may not be easy, you are making amazing progress, and finding your way back to freedom.

 

Many, many blessings...

[Karen555]

Hello all,

 

Well I went to CA for 1.5 weeks and had a great time visiting with my mother and daughter and friends. I had hardly no aniexty and no panic attacks. It was very nice, but unfortunately, I was unable to stay away from my husband while I was there. He requested me "please" him like a good wife should and I obeyed. This tells me that moving permanently to CA to be close to my family and friends is not a good idea because he is to close and I am not strong enough mentally/emotionally. I need to work on me first and get stronger boundaries.

 

I was so badly to be close to my family and friends. It just makes me so sad and depressed to think that I cant and I am 1200 miles away. But my husband is 1.25 hrs from them and way to close and I just am not strong enough and detached enough from him I guess.

 

I need to start working on making friends here but it seems so forgien to me. My friends I have had 12-21 yrs. Starting over developing friendships seems kinda scary and alot of work. But I need to. I know this. I am tired of sobbing to my mother or friends because I want to reach out and get a hug, or drive on over to their house but I cant because they are 1200 miles away. Its makes a horrible ache and pain in my heart.

 

I went to the gym tonight and while there I spoke with one of the personal trainers and just that 10 minutes of talking to him felt good. Weird. It just makes me realize I need to find some kind of socialization outside of the internet and my teenage kids.

 

Sometimes I think about finding another man.. but then I wouldnt truly be giving myself full focus to heal so things wouldnt be repeated in the future. But then I think about if I had a man I could had something to do and think about. haha. Somedays, its just so boring. Like I have no purpose anymore, since before my purpose was being a good wife. I know that I have a purpose to be a good mom, but honestly, I do a good job I think at that and my teenagers seem to pretty self-sufficent most of the time.

 

I have to go back to work soon, when I feel I am mentally well enough and honestly, I dont know what I want to do. The things I use to do seem like I would be stressed and/or bored doing them again. So I have no clue. I hate these feelings of indecision. Anyone else ever have these?

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Warmly,

Karen

[smoochie]

Hi Karen,

 

I would tell you my whole story but don't want to hijack your thread.

 

I can tell you this much, if your husband gave you a concussion...he can KILL you. It didn't have to stop there. You could have been or still be in a coma. Who would take care of your kids? You could be permantently damaged for life, physically. I know from 3 years of experience and 2 years of therapy how hard it is to break free from people like your husband. I will post my own thread with details but just wanted to encourage you that you are not alone. Some one out there understands why you still feel the way you do towards your husband and the emotional ties you guys have.

 

All that being said, try as hard as you can to stay as far away from him as possible. Ironically, you live in the same state my ex is living in now. He went on the run after I called the police the last time he attacked me.

 

Your husband has not changed, will not change, and never give you what you need. It is and will always be about him. Its never about you. He loves you because how you make HIM feel. Not because he wants to be good to you or even cares about you and your dreams, goals, well-being, etc. He doesn't love you in the normal sense. His view of love is warped. Whatever he considers love is what he has for you. Your love is normal...his isn't. He loves your for what he gets out of it....not because he wants to please you. If that were the case, he wouldn't treat you the way he does. But his love (in his mind) is real.

 

Write me whenever the need strikes you. I registered on this website just for you. I only was reading it to help me deal with my own lingering issues but when I read your post, I decided to hopefully encourage you.

 

Stay strong girl...you got it in you!!!

[Karen555]

Thank you smoochie for the post. It was helpful. I tried to email you view your profile but it was turned off for receiving emails.

 

I find that the more I dont talk to him the happier and less aniexous I am but when I talk to him I start to become aniexous, have shortness of breath, feel pressure on my chest and have aches in my legs and chest muscles. Even when its just talking to him about financies or bills, etc. I look forward to the day when I am financially free from him. Honestly, that is the only thing that really ties us at this point if I could keep myself emotionally detached.

 

Karen

[smoochie]

How have you been? Been thinking about you. Are you guys doing well?

 

smoochie