Why am I still cheating?

[Rosesarered]

I originally had another post, but I am sitting here getting more frustrated by the second, because I keep reading all these posts about how horrible cheaters are, and how once a cheater always a cheater. I dont think thats correct, because people change. I am in no way condoning cheating or not holding myself accountable for my actions, but I feel like in my situation, it is not because I am a flawed person, or that I dont know how to be in a committed trusting relationship.

 

Stuff happens. I love my boyfriend, but I dont love the way he has made me feel in the past year of being with him. He has hurt me more than any man ever has, yet loved me at the same time more than any man. When things are good, they are really good, and I feel like he is the only man for me. But I find that 75 percent of the time, he is saying things or doing things that make me doubt his love for me. When I ask if I am invited to go out with his friends, I feel like there are better ways of saying I cant come than, "Yeah, you arent, i dont want you to go." How can someone say these things.

 

The first time I cheated, I vowed never to do it again, especially since I saw how much I hurt him. However, the preceeding 6 months since that happened, it has happened again. I have never cheated on a boyfriend before, or, as far as i know, been cheated on, but I feel desperate for attention. I feel desperate for someone to talk to, who will understand me, and not scorn me for some of the personality traits that I have. My boyfriend has told me I befriend people to quickly, and am to quick to think everyone is my best friend, when in fact they really dont like me. I feel alone, as any time I tell him a story, he always finds a way of making me feel stupid. Why is he with me, when he feels these things about me. He sayes I am alwyas mad at him, so why does he stay with me?

 

After cheating on him again, this time, I decided to end it with him, as I obviously wasnt happy with how the relationship was going. We talked, and we said a lot of things that we were feeling. AS it ended up, I asked him flat out if he could ever marry me, and he said no. It broke my heart. The next day I got very sick, for two weeks, and he was there most of the time to take care of me, and we somehow ended up back together. We since have been ok, not as much fighting, but two days ago I got drunk and kissed a guy that comes into my work.

 

I understand my reasoning for doing what I have done. But I dont like this, and I dont want to think that I will forever be a cheating person. I think I am very capable of being in a monogamus relationship, I just think I feel as if my boyfriend and I are sort of doomed. I keep thinking in the back of my mind that he will change, and want to be with me the rest of my life, but I think its a stupid fantasy probably. I know im a jerk, and I know that I should not be cheating, rather I should get out of the relationship, or stay in it and stop disrespecting him. Is this relationship even salvageable or do you think to much damage has been done? Can i move on from my mistakes? I dont want to walk away from him, as I love to be with him when things are good, but how can him and I understand eac other, and work on this relationship? Are we just trying to make something work that we shouldnt? Is that why im cheating...because I am not wanting to deal with the fact that I am in a failed relationship?

 

Please give me some advice, however, understand that I dont want to be lectured, since I know I am wrong, and no amount of alcohol, or reasoning can justify my actions. I just feel like there is so much more to this then i can ever explain.

[Batya33]

It's interesting how all your descriptions of your hook ups are passive as in "it happened" to you rather than you chose to drink, you chose to have sex or hook up with someone. I'm not saying that to tell you you're a bad person but a key to changing your behavior is to take responsibility for it and if you reread your post it's quite the pattern of "I ended up in bed" or similar:

 

I then found myself sleeping with a co worker

 

I found myself at a bar, chatting with a guy I sort of knew, he comes into my work all the time, and later found myself having sex with him.

 

I got really drunk, and ended up going back to the hottub with him and making out.

 

Once you start to take ownership of what you choose to do, that will be a step toward making different choices.

[lessy20]

You're choosing to make those choices. Only you can figure out why you are making those choices but I suggest you break up with your boyfriend now b/c what you are doing isn't fair to him in the least. "I did not feel guilty." Of course you didn't, you're getting the best of both worlds. I feel sorry for your boyfriend for giving you another chance. Let him find someone who won't hurt him continually. It is the WORST feeling in the world to be cheated on...

I'm sure he doesn't see a future with you because he can't trust you won't cheat on him again. If you feel you aren't a good match, why are you staying with him?

[lessy20]

Exactly...do you think you can change? I mean I think you realize completely why you are getting with others but you've been with him over a year...that's a long time, and I'm sure you have a certain comfort level with him. But I think if you have cheated on him several times something inside you is telling you that you want to see what else is out there; you aren't happy. You owe it to yourself to see if someone else can make you happy. You say the potential is there, but you've been with him for quite a while...it isn't like this is the first month of your relationship.

[lifestream]

This really isn't fair to either of you. If you want to sleep around with guys you really have no place in a committed relationship right now, no matter how much you say you love him.

 

These choices don't just happen. You're making yourself seem like the victim here. Even though you were unsatisfied with the relationship doesn't give you any right to cheat! If you are unsatisfied let him know. See if you can work things out genuinely. If not, you know what you have to do.

[Aleadragonhawk]

The cheating isn't right. You know that, and like you asked, I'm not going to lecture you on it. While you make the choices in your life, I think that part of your motivation here might be that you truly are not happy in your current relationship. One thing to remember is that when looking at a partner, we need to consider what we want in the future. You want a long-term relationship, even marriage - he doesn't. Outside of your cheating, I think that alone is reason enough to break up with him. You're obviously not happy in your relationship, or you wouldn't be doing the things you are.

[Rosesarered]

I know I cant ever justify my actions...but do you think I am cheating because I deep down am sad that my current boyfriend can not see long term with me? I had it in my mind that him and I would be together forever, and after he told me that he could not ever marry me, it really really stung. I keep thinking that I will change his mind one day...but am I barking up the wrong tree?

[musicguy]

If I was your boyfriend, I'd be gone

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Why are you staying with someone who has said he will never marry you, if marriage is what you want? You said that 75% of the time you are not happy, and that really is a bad relationship. You want the 25% you enjoy, but don't want the 75% you don't, but a person is who they are, and he is not going to turn into your Prince Charming just because you want him to...

 

And he most likely won't marry you becuase you have cheated... Most people see this as a deal breaker for a long term relationship. You can't undo his knowledge of this, and he may just be staying with you for convenience (sex etc.) until he finds someone he likes better and trusts.

 

File this under lessons learned, but i think you are beating a dead horse and just need to recognize the relationship is not going forward and move on.