Sucess Storys can be painfully hard.

[hades]

So it's been forever since i've been here....like 2-3 weeks or something.

 

Long story short, i got hit by the "what the heck" bug when my girlfriend broke up with me. After weeks of calling her and talking to her 3-4 times a day, she told me we where through. I tried her again in 2 days, then went NC. After about a week she left a text message and a voice mail. I returned her call, and just talked. The 2nd time we somehow got into the things that went wrong. It didn't hurt anything, but I was back again to waiting for the phone calls, and she was either busy, or didn't want it to be like last time, where we would call 3-4 times a day.

 

I started to make some realisations about myself, and realized that i needed some time to myself. I don't like waiting for the phone to ring. That feeling just sucks. Well, i told her a week of NC at my request. basically because i need it. I also realized that the downfall of our relastionship was due to me trying to make her and our kid into something my mom would approve of. At the request of some friends i went to CODA (co-dependents anon). It helped alot.

 

The reasons for the breakup where everything from me not working or leaving the house, to physical and emotional abuse on all sides. The big ones where sex, abuse, not working, not leaving the home. Sex was because i didnt enjoy it, and never relaxed and let myself go. Not leaving the home and not finding work was due to low self esteem and the fact that i never thought i was good enough. the abuse was due to getting angry over things not being perfect. It sucks, but i'm human.

 

The next few days with NC where good to me. I learned alot in CODA, and tried finding a job at full force. Found out i am really good at contract work with SEO and websites and internet marketing. I actually have been having to turn jobs down now After 2 or 3 days of NC, she text messaged me saying that she couldn't go that long without seeing how i was doing. At this point i felt it was ok to call her, as i no longer felt i NEEDED her. I felt i wanted to honestly just talk with her. So we talked. I explained the current events in my life, and what i was doing. She was curious, i explained why i thought things went the way they did. We both decided it was time to get honest with eachother and stop having an unhealthy relastionship.

 

Honesty sucks. She told me she felt unattractive because i treated sex like a job. After 4 years of it, she planed on cheating, and let a guy kiss her. She didn't follow through. She also told me she smoked pot and drank twice, which at the time i was very unaccepting about everything, especially that. I explained a bunch of stuff i lied to her about as well. It's rocky as heck now, but we keept talking

 

We defently don't have the relastionship we use to. In some regards i miss it. I miss feeling needed constantly. On the other hand, i know that the way it is now is the way it was when we where together. That makes me see hope, as whenever we got together after a LD relastionship, stuff always fell apart and went back to normalizing our day.

 

It's been a real ride so far. I feel often that there is just to much to work through and to much that can't be forgiven. I found i do love her. I can't explain why, i don't understand it fully, which is why i do believe it is love, because infatuation i can explain easy!!! We talked about acceptance. I told her i accepted her now, she said the same to me. It got me thinking though, that i never once accepted her, i accepted what she could become. Now, it's completely differnt. I feel that who she is, and her faults, and her strengths are all what makes her..her. That i may not like certin things, though without them she wouldn't be her.

 

Today was a hard day, we haven't spoken much in the past week because she's been extreamly busy. Today she asked a tough question. We hid so much from eachother because we thought the other would leave us over it. One of these things was her using and drinking, and for me, it was whenever i got violent. I've been in consuling and anger management for 3-4 months before we broke up, and so the crap that happened wouldn't happen again. I never liked picking up broken stuff anyways, and when you realize someone actually got hurt physically by your actions, you get a snap into reality.

 

So i've got to make this list of all the times i've done things abusive in relastions to our relastionship. This is the stuff i always tried to hide from her. I'm extreamly scared at this point. Though i know she loves me, and i love her, i feel our relastionship is on a thin line as it is. I plan and want to accept the fact that I will lose her over being honest. The thing is, if i don't be honest this stuff can happen again, and our relastionship would be unhealthy with the dishonesty. This time i decided to not justify it and be 100% honest. If we can get past this hurdle, i think we will be in the clear, if we can't, then i still have to work on it for the next person im with.

 

Just a note to all you reading and wanting to get back together. The longer a relastionship goes on unhealthy, the harder it gets to get healthy. Getting a girl back is the easy part. If they want to, they will call you after time apart. The hard part is clearing up all the crap that made you break up. The hardest is after you clear that out of the way, actually working on it.

 

In the end i do love her. Its worth the work on my part. Though we dont have the wide eyed, constant spaming of I LOVE YOU all the time, it is said every conversation. Though i want to move back in tomorow, i know that it would just go back to the crappy way it was before. It gives me a strange since of hope and dispair that its not there anymore. The hope part is simply that without the infatuation, without the constant love spatter, we see eachother more clearly, and can work on communication and being really honest. It makes me hope that if we do get back together, it will be healthy this time because of the work and because we didnt rush things this time.