confused_male_32 Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 I just started dating this girl who is six months out of a relationship that lasted five years. Her last boyfriend was abusive and inconsiderate of her feelings and was more interested in "partying" than spend time with her even when she was ill and hospitalized. Eventually he dumped her. We eventually hit upon the critical topic: "will you go back to him if he decided to come back into your life?" she claims that she gave it some thought and decided that she would not take him back. She also holds her emotions back from me and she always asks me "Why do you like me? you are nice to me now, how do I know you will not change like him?" I have been patient with her. How do I make her see that I am not the same person!!!! Also, what bothers me is that she had to think about whether she wants her ex- back? Shouldn't it be a obvious decision? or have I misjudged this woman totally? Are there other women out there who would go back to an abusive ex- ? I don't know what to think now, it's really messing with my head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ericson Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Why ask us, why even bother asking us? If she is unsure then she's unstable, tell her "im sorry, If you're undecided then that's only going to hurt both of us" then, leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sddeaston Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 My ex-fiancee, who I had a child with, is currently boinking the guy she was seeing before me. They were together for 7 years on and off, due to his chronic absense from being in jail/prison. This guy used to hit her, cheat on her and made her life a living hell. I don't know how many times she told me that she was embarrassed at having a child with such a loser, and felt sorry for her child (his child). She cried on my shoulder countless times. I was there for her emotionally, physically and financially. She told me time and time again how lucky she was to have me. She was also an independent type person, so that lucky to have me crap made me think it was genuine. Now she is pregnant by him for the second time. How hard is that going to be to explain to her kids (mine being one of them). What makes it all worse is that I think she had hopes that he had grown up. Ha ha. Wrong. He is headed back to prison, for who knows how long??? W/E man, I figure I can do quite a bit better. Although I am still friends with her because I didn't want go the immature route, and because we DO have a child together, I don't understand the people who chose partners that are in NO WAY respectful to them. Its like they are into being treated that way. As to your original question, never underestimate the capabilities of a woman, some will absolutely amaze you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locke2121 Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Why ask us, why even bother asking us? If she is unsure then she's unstable, tell her "im sorry, If you're undecided then that's only going to hurt both of us" then, leave. Ah, no! She gave it some thought....and said no. She come from a very bad relationship. That can seriously screw with someone's perceptions of what a relationship should be like. Let me give you a glimpse of what happened in her head. Here she is, with a great guy that treats her nice, acts like gentleman and on and on and on. This guy then asks her if she would ever want to go back. In her mind, she started comparing you with him..and you came out the winner. But now, she's worried. She knows she likes you and wants to be with you....but what if, in the end, you turn out to be like her ex? Thats scary and she's beginning to doubt. Its ok, perfectly normal. These questions will run around in her head for a very long time. She will ask you over and over again why you stay with her. Be VERY patient. The best reassurence that you can give her is to keep treating her like your best gal, just like your doing right now. You may get angry with her for asking all the time. Be patient and gentle...she'll see the truth eventually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confused_male_32 Posted March 10, 2007 Author Share Posted March 10, 2007 wow! dude! that's rough. Sounds like you have a lot of patience and you really love this girl. I wouldn't even know what to do if such a thing happened to me. Why do women confuse niceness for weakness? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confused_male_32 Posted March 10, 2007 Author Share Posted March 10, 2007 Thanks! I agree with you. Also, not just her last relationship but actually her last two relationships were with abusive men. I think what scares her is that I am nice to her always. I believe that I am the uber bad guy because I am playing this game and in the end according to her "they all change". It took so long for her just to admit that she misses me once in a while. I want to be patient with her and I am sincerely trying Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locke2121 Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I want to be patient with her and I am sincerely trying Thats all you can ask of yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sddeaston Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 It's not that I love her, anymore. It is more that (#1) I DO have a child with her, and petty fights and constant arguments are not what I want him to witness between us, and (#2) I am over wanting to fight, or show her up or any of that nonsense. If she didn't have it in her to decipher what is good and bad as far as a relationship, then she is not someone I want to be with long term anyways. You know? Thats why I posted. I wanted to say that even if your girl does go back to him, it's not your fault. You can't (if it does happen) worry about what went wrong, or if you can change anything now. So, in turn, you should stop worrying about it right now. Just concentrate on having a happy relationship, so there is nothing lacking on your end and eventually if she does go back, it will not be for lack of effort by you and you can't feel bad about it (past the initial shock, of course). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mintblossom Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I don't think you get it. It's not that women like abusive men, it's that if they unwittingly get caught up in it, some women form a strong attachment, bond to their abuser. It doesn't mean that she didn't love/care you, it means that she STILL has that bond with her abuser, it hasn't been broken yet. If that bond were broken, she would never go back. 6 months out of an abusive relationship and already in a new relationship??? That is not enough time. I have been in abusive relationships. I do not like being treated like CRAP. I will not tolerate any guy that even shows a sign of treating me like that because now I see all the signs. All my bonds with the abusers are broken, he TRIED to get me back and there is no way I will talk to him or have anything to do with him. I rather stick a fork in my eye or something. But prior to that.....we were on/off/on/off for years, even being apart for a couple months. It takes a struggle to break out of such a relationship. The brutality forms a hold over the victim. I wouldn't say it's that women like being treated badly, but you have to recognize these type of men have created a strong emotional bond through abuse. They are nice to the woman, then extremely violent, brutal, hurtful, then they comfort her, then they hurt her again, then comfort....it does create a bond, however, unhealthy it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confused_male_32 Posted March 10, 2007 Author Share Posted March 10, 2007 I think that with women sometimes, no matter how much time passes, part of them still remains attached to their ex-'s. Not necessarily every man she has dated but the ones she actually loved once. I also think that abusive boyfriends rarely change for the better. I think there is a definitive chance of my gf going back to her ex- but I think that is the risk I am willing to take. How I will deal with it another story? thanks to all who replied to my post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sddeaston Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 And that is something you need to not think about right now. Just treat the situation as if he was not a factor. Like I said, just see how good it can be right now. You can't know the future, so don't try to predict it. Your time is better invested with her and your relationship. If she makes the wrong choices regarding her ex, then that is when you need to deal with this issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locke2121 Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 How I will deal with it another story? *sigh* Just hold on tight dude. Give her the love, attention, understanding and encouragment that she needs....thats all you can do! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Vitruvian Man Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 As cold as this sounds, if she is dumb enough to break up with you to go back to an abusive guy, then she obviously doesn't deserve you. Right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sddeaston Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Ha. Thats basically the point I am trying to illustrate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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